As Pimp Mama Kris' prized pig tries to give the performance of her stupid life by woeisme-ing over her publicity stunt marriage coming to an end at LAX last night (see below), the whoriest whore of all whores is out there whoring out her dead best friend for some attention of her very own. Pimp Mama Kris is peddling her memoirs about how she went from Jack Tripper's wingman to an ambassador from HELL, and in it she basically digs up Nicole Brown's grave with her satanic claws, pulls out the bones and poses next to 'em for the cameras. Just when you thought this fame fucking whore master couldn't get any lower, the bitch opens a trapdoor.
Long before Kris' ex-husband got O.J. Simpson off, she was best friends with Nicole Brown Simpson and she claims that the two talked the morning of the murder. According to Kris, Nicole wanted her to come over to talk to her about something important (important being her ex-husband was going to kill her). Kris couldn't get away from her family duties and she thinks that if she did meet with Nicole, her friend of 15 years would still be alive today. Radar has the excerpts that will be used to argue for Kris Jenner to take Lucifer's place after he destroys himself over creating these whore monsters.
Nicole called her early on June 12th, Kris writes. "Nicole said, "Can you get over here...? I need to talk to you. It's really important'."
Busy with her own children, Kris asked if they could put it off until the next day. But Nicole was persistent. "'That's okay, can you meet me tomorrow for lunch? I really have to talk to you about something really, really important'." Says Kris, "It would be the last time I would ever speak to Nicole."
The next morning, Kris was plunged into shock and trauma as she woke to the news that her close friend had been stabbed to death. "I instinctively knew that in some way O.J. had something to do with her death.
"I truly couldn't believe she had been so betrayed by the person who she had once loved most. That O.J. would be so destructive and selfish and jealous that he would do that to her was just mind-blowing to me. All these thoughts were running through my mind: This can't be true."
Her sadness grew even deeper as she realized that changing her schedule to meet Nicole on the eve of her murder could have saved Nicole's life. A mutual friend later told her, Kris writes, that "Nicole had been beaten up by O.J. and she had been keeping this physical proof in the form of photographs and, it would turn out, other evidence, in which she had documented seventeen years of abuse. Nicole really wanted someone close to her to know what was going on, so that somebody - namely me - could be a witness."
Kris was devastated at missing the opportunity to possibly save her. She recalls screaming, "'Oh my God! It's too late! It's too late!'...The realization that she had wanted to confide in me hit me so hard. ... And I had let her down."
This bitch's ego probably looks like the inside of a colonic machine. What's the point of saying this? Did Pimp Mama Kris even testify that she spoke to Nicole that day? Probably not. Why testify for free when you can testify in a tell-all book for a quick check?
The only way to shut this Pimp Mama Kris' mouth is to let her know that if she "saved" Nicole Brown Simpson's life, then there probably wouldn't be a murder trial, which means Robert Kardashian wouldn't be a household name, which means Kim would still be Parasite Hilton's Valtrex holder and the tattered skin on Ray-J's dick would be more relevant than her entire family. "Uh. Strike my last statement from the record" is probably the line that would fall out of Pimp Mama Kris' mouth next.
I'll add more to this Halloween gift as soon as I stop HAHAHAHAHAHA-ing from every one of my fingers.
Okay, I'm back and I'm still trying to fight the urge to HAHAHAHAHAHA through my finger tips throughout this entire post, but you must know why the true love bubble out of E!'s ass has burst all up in Ryan Gaycrest's face. TMZ reports that the completely staged marriage that you thought would last about as long as a fart trying to escape through Kim's canyon of doom ass has already died after 72 days. As Pimp Mama Kris lines up johns (aka People Magazine, Life & Style, etc...) and sponsors (aka Legalzoom, etc...) for the multimillion dollar divorce tour special, Kim's divorce lawyer Laura Wasser is filing papers in L.A. today.
A source tells TMZ that this trash heap alien-faced whore is filing for divorce from I Already Forgot His Name, because he wants to stay in Minnesota and the flash from a pap's camera is her oxygen so she refuses to leave L.A. They didn't figure this out before their $10 million dollar wedding, because she was too busy creaming out from every orifice over the thought of how much attention (and nonreturnable gifts) her fraudulent marriage would get.
Kim Kuntrashian stuffed $18 million into her gaping wide checking account for the wedding and she'll probably stuff a few million in for "Kim's Fairytale Divorce" special. Then in about six months, she'll do all over again with a 6"3' bag of cold dumb whose soul comes with a price tag on it.
The dead horse that is the sanctity of marriage just got up and reached for a bat to beat itself some more while mouthing the word "sorry" to the gays.
If the first lady of elegance, CoCo, really wanted to fuck some shock and awe into our brains, she would've dressed up as a fully-clothed Amish virgin for Halloween, but then Slutoween would've officially been canceled and every ho's inner slut would have to stay inside. Because the one-night sluts of Slutoween can't officially stuff their crotches into a Frederick's of Hollywood costume until they hear the period blood-curdling cry from CoCo's camel toe as it gets stranged with fishnets and a wad of Spandex.
The cry was heard at CoCo's Halloween party in Las Vegas on Saturday night when she strut along the red carpet with thighs that looked like precooked Christmas hams busting out of their nets, and her suction cup nipples holding up a metal titty plate. You can say that CoCo went as a slutty hell minion with RiRi head and you'd be correct. You'd also be correct if you said that CoCo went as CoCo going to the grocery store.
And since we're on the subject of Slutoween, I also threw in some pictures of superstar urinal Kim Kardashian making genitals itch and pores push out milky green pus at her Halloween party in NYC. At least she could blame it on her costume this time.
Meet 23-year-old Italian piece Danilo Gallinari, the former forward of the New York Knicks and Kim Kardashian's first choice to play her trophy husband in the multimillion dollar whoretastic shit show that was her soul-sucking manufactured wedding. That's what Wetpaint is alluding to, anyway. According to their source, before Pimp Mama Kris trapped Kris Humphries and threatened to sic Khloe on his family unless he signs his name in piss (the official ink of the Kardashian family) on a marriage contract, E! executives tried to set Kim up with Danilo. Danilo made the best decision of his life by turning those whores down and the rest is pisstory.
The source claims that while shooting the first season of Kourtney & Kim Take New York, Danilo was wanted by Kim Kardashian and E! tried to make it happen. They told Danilo that if he started dating Kim in front of the cameras, his career would blow up like her asshole when it's forming a fart and he'd become an overnight star. Danilo said the words that Kris Humphries wish he was smart enough to say: "Thank you, but no thank you. And please tell Khloe to heel, because she's chewing on my favorite kicks." That's when E! and the Kardashian whores moved on to their next victim.
This is easy to believe for two reasons:
1. You can't spell FAKE without a K (Side note: I think I might've just called myself fake too, which I guess is better than what I called myself earlier after I accidentally squirted hand lotion on my toothbrush.).
2. Kim Kardashian wanted a husband so bad that Pimp Mama Kris was about to sacrifice one of those Jenner girls to her overlord Satan and ask him to give her a Reggie Bush clone for her prized pig to marry.
So I'm more than sure that Pimp Mama Kris put out a casting notice for professional athletes who don't get piss fright when asked to let out a golden shower on command.
Pee S - Tommy Girl did the whole "buy a spouse" thing better. Snap. Snap.
Today's first "Fuck My Life" face is brought to you by the bought buffoon Kris Humphries.
The second "Fuck My Life" face is brought to you by thousands of trained actresses who have just lost yet another job to a fame whore piece of cold trash that has the talent of dried piss on an ass cheek.
Because Snooki is busy playing the role of Owl-Eyes in The Great Gatsby remake, Tyler Perry has cast amateur porn star Kim Kardashian in his newest church play turned movie The Marriage Counselor. Tyler was so impressed with Kim's ability to emote absolutely zero raw human emotion while getting her guts poked by Ray J's boomerang dick in her movie debut that he gave her the role of the title character's co-worker. The title character will be played by Jurnee Smollett. Deadline reports that shooting begins on that mess on October 26th in Atlanta.
Tyler Perry + Kim Kuntrashian + a plot that definitely involves a child touching uncle and an epiphany from the lord = the only time in the history of ever that the public actually misses Madea.
Seriously, if Tyler Perry really wanted a Kardashian-like whore for that role, he should've just wrapped his Madea fat suit in Spanx, threw a melted alien mask over his face and BOOM! Bitch can play that role himself. Because he's soon going to find out how annoying it is to work with Kim Kardashian. "Sorry, Tyler, Kim is trying to suck off the boom mic again" is a line he'll hear from the crew at least once a day. Tyler should do what the Keeping Up with the Kardashians production crew does: only use white boom mics.
Here's soon-to-be Oscar winner Kim Kardashian with her paid husband at her 31st birthday party in NYC last night. Pink sang for her. Oh, Pink, I thought I knew you.....
One of these animals has two furry humps, isn't housetrained, always has camel toe and has a pimp who takes money from strangers in exchange for a quick ride on its back. The other animal is a camel.
This is why this world just doesn't make sense. If this world was right, those camels would be the ones riding those tacky trash trollops through Dubai. Just look at these stupid gaudy bitches. Wearing ugly platform clown heels and $5,000 kaftans to ride a damn camel! Sex and the City Number 2 was truly a satanic work of evil, because it gave idiots like this ideas.
Those poor camels. They can't even bite at a trick. Sad camel is sadder camel.
Pimp Mama Kris and her yellow ribbon pig Kim Kuntrashian are currently in Dubai to meet with several billionaire sheiks about possibly selling the younger Jenner girls since they aren't bringing in the dough fast enough, and last night they quickly stopped into a store to pose in abayas, niqabs and hijabs for the cameras.
You might be marking this day in your kalendars as the first time in famewhore history that Kim Kardashian actually covered her Close Encounters face for the cameras, but think about it. Uh huh. Kim getting her face covered in something for the cameras. That's what got us into this mess in the first place! Although, this is the first time in history that three abayas had to be sewn together to cover her dunes of despair ass.
For me, the only good thing that came from this post is that I found my new favorite site where I can learn how to curse a trick out in every language. Now I'm that much closer to achieving my goal of getting slapped in the face in every accent (yes, slaps have accents).
Oh look, it's a plastic horse's ass on a plastic horse's ass.
Seen here in Brooklyn today riding on a horse's back in front of the cameras instead of riding on horse dick in front of the cameras for a change, the head ho of Pimp Mama Kris' whore ring tells Australia's InStyle magazine (via Daily Mail) that she and her punching bag of dumb husband only filmed their commitment ceremony to Lucifer, because if she didn't she'd disappoint all of her "fans."
Kim didn't do it for the millions of dollars or because she can't squirt out a wet queef without a 5-person camera crew focused on her snatch. Nope, not at all. When InStyle asked Kim why she chose to televise her wedding, she barked at 4 assistants to spread her ass cheeks apart and she pushed this answer out of her bullshit hole:
"That was a really big discussion, we took weeks to decide if we were going to film it or not, but I felt like my fans - everyone that has gone on this journey with me, seeing different relationships that I've been in - would feel cheated if I didn't film it. It was something that Kris and I were okay with, and the beauty of it is we get to edit it. It [will be] great to look back at that and see this time in our lives."
Yes, I'm sure the really big, three-week long discussion went something like this:
E! Executive: We'll pay $13 million and we'll give you five hours of airtime.
People Editor: We'll give you $2.5 million for the pictures, Kim.
Pimp Mama Kris & Kim: DONE!
Kris: Err. You're Kim? I thought you were Kourtney. Heh, that's funny. Did anybody tell you that your mom looks like the dude from Three's Company? Oh, look the eyes on those 4 dudes on horses riding towards us are so sparkly. I like sparkly..."
No, I'm joking. The conversation didn't even last that long. Kim really needs to stop acting like she didn't have her morals surgically removed to make way for silicone butt bags filled with Satan's coagulated blood. Because in the Kuntrashian world (which the earth revolves around, obviously), first comes an offer from E!, then comes a check from People, then comes a contract from Kris Humphries signing away all right to profits of the sex tape that will leak a day before their divorced is announced, and then comes a completely staged marriage! That's the equation for love Kuntrashian-style.
If you polled a hundred people on if the Kuntrashian Klan look like a) a trio of kow gonads sprayed with a mixture of lead paint and bile; or b) a trio of transflowers, not one ho would let the letter "b" fall out of their mouth. But that's not what the Kuntrashians think. Khloe, Kim and Kourtney tell xoJane (via Radar) that when they were teenagers their dad bought them lessons with a make-up artist for Christmas and ever since then they always leave the house looking like like their tuck game is unstoppable. Let the eye rolling begin....
Khloe: We joke and we say we are like trannies because we love hair and makeup. I don’t think we necessarily need it, but we love it. But Kim, definitely, if you take off what’s on her face, her face is the exact same. She doesn't need it -- it's just like a mind thing to her. She really doesn’t need any of that on her face.
Khloe: At first we had like publicists and people who would tell us, “Girls, tone it down, stop wearing all the makeup.” But they we would read on our blogs -- like in the comments and everything -- and everyone was like, “What lipstick is this, what mascara do you use?“ We were like, "We love makeup -- so why try and be what we are not?"
It's already bad enough that Mr. Snuffaluffagus can't wander around Sesame Street without someone stopping him to say how much they love his reality show on E!, but now those KKK Kunts are offending the entire trans community with this inaccurate comparison? Stupid heffas. They wish they looked like transflowers. The only thing the Kardashians look like they're transforming from is a piece of shit into an ever bigger piece of shit. Pimp Mama Kris better lay the pimp smack down on these trash can trollops for this.
By the looks of that picture, Scott Disick must be a grower (with the help of a Brooks Brothers penis pump, a peen extender, three layers of dick padding and an injection of Khloe Hormones) and not a shower. Scott Disick (as always, the "s" is silent) is a big walking penis with a side urethra that spits out verbal piss on the regular, but the Kardashian Klan is also trying to make us believe that deep in his Ralph Lauren trousers is a monster that can beat Khloe Kardashian in an arm wrestling competition for the last large pizza on the eatin' table.
xoJane.com (via UsWeekly) brought up the dick size situation of the newest Kardashian prisoner and Pimp Mama Kris' whores quickly changed the focus and instead talked about how Scott Disick's dick is the most useful thing in the family since it can catch peanuts and juggle apples.
Jane: We’re getting the hook -- they're telling us we're out of time! Okay, wait -- is Kris [Humpries] well endowed? They all think he is.
Kourtney: I would think he is.
Kim: (decidedly not feeling us) I don't really like questions like that.
Khloe: We got all of the preview of Scott at his parents'.
Kim: Even today. Honestly, it’s way too much. He has to start wearing some tighty-whities.
Khloe: He was wearing pajama pants and no undies and you could see it all.
Kim: So inappropriate.
Kourtney: It's like an elephant's trunk.
Kim: You guys!
Khloe: He kept going, “I’m trying to compete with Lamar” and I was like "Oh, stop it, you two."
Kourtney: I just got a Google alert, because Scott and I just had our date night.
Kim: You have your own Google alerts? We have that on record: Kourtney has her own Google alerts and checks them.
Kourtney: We went on a date night in the Meatpacking last night, so the story said, “The Meatpacking District isn’t the only thing packing meat!” Scott was wearing a suit with no underwear last night, so you could see, like, something.
Kim: What?! Like, that’s NOT normal. We have got to by him some underwear for his birthday or something. This is freaking me out.
Kourtney: He never has any!
Kourtney is about the size of a Snooki, so any dick would look Khloe-sized next to her. That settles that. But why is Kim giggling at the mention of the word p-e-n-i-s. Ho, please. I hate it when whores don't remember where they came from. Kim needs to stop acting like if Scott dropped chocolate sauce on his crotch, she wouldn't snap for a camera crew and command her pussy to assume the lock jaw position.