With everything that's going on, I'm sure the number question on your mind has been, "BUT WHERE'S ALL THE KARTRASHIAN NEWS?!" Ask and you shall receive!
TMZ says that Kim Kardashian's 10-second-long marriage to Kris Humphries is legally over and she's finally free to continue to stomp on the pile of horse bones dust that is the sanctity of marriage. Pimp Mama Kris must've agreed to give Kris Humphries his soul back if he agreed to drop the annulment shit and walk away with zero dollars, because that's what happened in court today. Kris wanted an annulment based on fraud and he wanted Kim to drop $7 million into his checking account, but he didn't get any of that. He's getting a regular divorce and Kim isn't paying him shit. Kris will also have to pay his own attorney fees.
Radar says that the divorce will be made official sometime in June.
That's that, so now you can officially go back to not giving a shit. And the ogre version of Taylor Lautner can climb back up the beanstalk, because he has failed us all. And all of us can go and unplug our TVs, because it's only a matter of time before Kim is lifting Kanye's bridal veil during their televised STUNT QUEEN wedding on E!.
Here's Kim with Scottie Pippen's wife in Beverly Hills yesterday. The black lace veil over her bump is a perfect touch, because the Kimye fetus has been mourning its future since day one.
Nick Lachey Tells Us What We've Already Known: Kim Kartrashian Has Always Been A Shameless Fame Whore
Long before Kim Kartrashian replaced whatever was left of her soul with Botox and filled her uterus with the Illuminati's chosen one, she dated Nick Lachey for a quick second. You might be saying to yourself, "I didn't know Nick Lachey had a black dick." The year was 2006, so Nick was way more famous then than he is now and that's why Kim screwed with him.
In hell's official bible Kardashian Konfidential, the KKK's ghost writer writes that Kim's first touch of fame came when she went to the movies with Nick Lachey and pictures of their date showed up in the tabloids the next day. Details (via Radar) asked Nick Lachey if humanity can blame him for kreating the Kartrashian kunt monster and he said:
Nick: That’s one way to interpret it. Let’s just say this: We went to a movie. No one followed us there. Somehow, mysteriously, when we left, there were 30 photographers waiting outside. [Laughs] There are certain ways to play this game, and some people play it well.
Details: She also had some help from that sex tape.
Nick: Yeah, well that was already in the can.
"Already in the can..." I see what you did there, Nick. While I can appreciate Nick telling the world what we've already known, he is dumb for admitting that he screwed with a Kartrashian once. That's something you never ever admit. Dudes have gone broke from paying hypnotists to erase that memory from their brains. That's not even something you want to take to the grave with you. That's something you want to bury in a landfill far, far away. Nick should just deny, deny, deny. That wasn't him in those pictures with Kimodo Kartrashian. It was just another buff frog with luscious man titties like no other. I mean, I never knew that Nick was infected with the Kardashian-brand of khlamydia, but now I do. I bet Nick's son is going to file for emancipation now.
And if you were wondering what it would look like if Gumby ate Pokey and swallowed all of the Blockheads with his ass, here you go:
Sadly for us, Kim Kartrashian wasn't in kourt today to answer to her krimes against humanity. Kim was in court for a hearing in her never-ending divorce battle against Encino Man's slower younger brother Kris Humphries. Kim and Kris were supposed to meet plastic face-to-caveman face today, but he got a severe case of the Lindsay Lohans and didn't show up.
TMZ says that Kris was stuck in New York for some reason (SPOILER ALERT: He forgot how to operate a door knob and just stayed in his apartment and stared at the door until someone came for him), so he never got on a plane to L.A. The judge wasn't happy about it and TMZ says he ripped Kris a new asshole ("Been there and Ray J's boomerang dick is to blame." - Kim). The judge set a new pre-trial hearing date for April 19th and he might throw a few fines at Kris for being late.
Radar has a totally different story. They say that Kris wasn't in court today, because his team the Brooklyn Nets are playing the Indiana Pacers in Indianapolis and he was already excused. Radar also says that the trial will begin on May 6th and the court hasn't decided if cameras are allowed or not.
I hope there's going to be a sea of cameras in the court room. I really need to see smoke rise from Kris Humphries' head when he's asked a question that has more than three words in it. And I really need to see a crack form in Kim's concrete forehead when she spits out a lie after she's asked if she faked her marriage for publicity.
And somewhere there's a sad, tacky, new money toddler who has to get a new first communion outfit, because this is what she was planning to wear. Kim Kartrashian really does ruin everything.
Everybody should take this picture that Kim Kardashian threw up on Instagram today as a direct threat, because this is only the beginning and in a couple of months we'll be looking at her knocked up naked body on the cover of National Geographic. Brace your eyeballs now.
While covered in more face paint than a drag queen clown in a beauty pageant, Kim rolled up her shirt and showed off the skin dome covering her almost 6-month-old fetus. You know, something in the milk ain't clean about that picture. Where are the tiny handprints from her Kimye fetus banging on her bump while screaming for someone to save them from those fame whores? Why isn't a giant dollar sign glowing over her belly? Yeah, this shit is totally 'shopped!
In other Kartrashian non-news, yesterday Ray J twatted out the cover of his single "I Hit It First" and it was obviously a pixelated picture of a pre-Kanye Kim. Today, TMZ posted a few lyrics from this mess of a song:
She might move on to rappers and ballplayers
But we all know I hit it first.
I had her head going North and her ass going South
But now baby chose to go West
No matter where she goes or who she knows
She still belongs in my bed.
Is Ray J really trying to say that he hit it before EVERYBODY including Kanye's ass? This bitch. If you lined up every one of Kim's fuck partners from the first one she hit to the last one she hit, and stood at the front of the line, you'd need several long range lenses to see Ray J. But nice try.
UPDATE: Ray J's musical STUNT QUEEN move just leaked and here it is if you need that in your ears today.
I hate that I'm going to be singing "IhitIhitIhitIhit" all damn weekend.
Brandy's little brother yanked at Kanye West's Givenchy butt plug today by tweeting the cover of his new single (yeah, he still makes those) "I Hit That First." In case Kanye didn't know, Ray-J is letting him know that his neck pillow dick hit Kim's sugar walls first. Somebody somehow figured out that the cover of Ray-J's single is a pixelated version of this picture.
I don't know whether let out a million laughs or quench Ray J's thirst by giving him a plastic trash can full of Pedialyte. I'm surprised Ray J didn't take the fuckery all the way by using a current day picture of Kim and calling his single "I Hit It When There Were Less Pixels." Kanye is way too busy shopping for leather kilts and getting his b-hole lips gilded to even throw a side-eye at this mess.
And I was going to say that Pimp Mama Kris is probably going to shake Ray J down for a cut of the profits, but what profits?
Looking like the Ghost of Fame Whores Present, Kim Kartrashian walked into a frozen yogurt place in Sherman Oaks, CA yesterday and that tension you feel is from her bra using its last strength to hold up her two ton titty balls. Maybe it's because I'm so used to seeing Kim looking like a pork sausage busting out of its leather casing, but titty trauma and face aside, this isn't completely hurting my eyeballs. I mean, the good news is that she isn't suffocating her bump with ten layers of Spanx and a leather skirt that's tighter than Kanye's b-hole after he got anal rejuvenation surgery the first time. If Kim continues to let her bump breathe, then maybe her publicity stunt baby won't be born all elongated and with its eyes smushed shut, which I guess is a bad thing since then it'll be able to clearly see who its parents are.
And replacing Botox with an all-natural replacement (aka Kanye's ass syrup) is making Kim's face morph back into its original state. She looks like a Saw puppet version of OctoMom.
In other Kartrashian news, TMZ says that Kim won't be in court on the first day of her divorce war against Kris Humphries, because she has to whore out her new bottle of stank water in NYC. Kim's lawyer tried to get the date moved from May 6th to May 3rd, but the judge denied her. Kim doesn't have to be in court on the first day anyway. Kim is expected to testify on the second or third day of the trial, so that gives Pimp Mama Kris plenty of time to program a pre-written script of lies into her hard drive.
Lucifer's favorite carrier pigeon Kim Kardashian is still doing the talk show rounds to promote the Kimye fetus (and to also sometimes promote that Tyler Perry movie she's in) and while on Kelly & Michael yesterday morning, she once again opened her mouth to talk about how many pounds she's put on her knocked up body. Kim already said that she weighs 140 pounds and yesterday she told Michael Strahan and Kelly's sub Kristen Chenoweth that she's gained around 20 pounds of chunk since a fetus checked into her uterus. And I'm sure your brain will gain 20 pounds of useless information while reading what came out of Kim's mouth. via Hollywood Life:
“I’ve gained 20 pounds, at this stage Kourtney had already gained like 30. I probably will gain all that weight, they say you gain that at the end,” she added. “I probably will gain that 65, just give me a couple more months. I want to have those cravings that everyone is saying, like cheeseburgers, I really haven’t had that. I just want to go home and sit in bed and pig out, and I really only crave healthy food.”
We get it Kim. You weigh less than Jon Hamm's fat dick and you pour fat-free ranch dressing instead of cheeseburger sauce on Kanye's b-hole before you start munching. Everyone gets it. Slow clap for you. Not really, but you know who we should really be slow clapping for? Kim's stylist for putting together another beautiful masterpiece. Here's Kim walking around NYC yesterday while wearing a dress by Hillshire Farms. That dress looks like a Fruit Roll-up made of baby diarrhea. I guess Kim figures that she's going to be covered in baby shit in a few months*, so she might as well get a hard start.
* It was a joke. Kim will never be covered with baby diarrhea, because she's going to pass that kid off to her nanny before the surgeons finishes stitching up her post-C-section tummy tuck.
On this week's priceless cover of InTouch Weekly, they have a herp derp picture of Kim Kartrashian next to the headline "I CAN'T STOP EATING," and this week's National Enquirer also says that she's gained 65 pounds from Jessica Simpsoning her way through her pregnancy. But Kim says that those stories are about as true as her last marriage. While promoting that Tyler Perry movie she's in, Pimp Mama Kris' number one ho told OMG Insider (via ONTD) that the number 200 doesn't look back at her when she steps on the scale and she hasn't turned her mouth into a food court trash can by filling it with tons of delicious junk. Kim also said that she's not suffocating the Kimye fetus by shoving her body into a four-sizes-too-small leather skirt.
"It says that I'm like 200 pounds on there. That's like, definitely a good 60 pounds off. It's ridiculous. Obviously you don't want to be called fat, but I'm pregnant. I would hope to gain some weight.
What's so funny is I love junk food and I love fast food, I love sweets, ice cream. I haven't been able to eat any of that since I've been pregnant. I am so sad that I'm not craving like In-N-Out and Taco Bell. None of it. That's what I was craving before. I'm craving like carrots and celery with ranch.
I wore this like leather skirt and by the way it's a maternity skirt that I had made. Like everything is bigger. And they're like, 'Oh you can't wear anything tight. That is ridiculous.' They have pregnancy Spanx that are tighter than the skirt I'm wearing. I want to feel good about myself and still feel fashionable. That's who I am. Happy mommy, happy baby."
Since Kim K's mouth is a ticker tape machine of lies, just reverse everything she said there and that's the truth. So Kim weighs more than 200 pounds, eats a Double Double animal-style off of Kanye's pussy hole three times a day and that leather skirt was so tight her baby had to stick its head out of her cooch to get some air.
And here's Kim not looking good and not looking fashionable at LAX last night.
InTouch can take three bows and get off the damn stage now, because they have outdone themselves with that headline paired with that picture of Kim Kartrashian looking like she's storing food in her lips. I just really can't...
Some source tells InTouch that Kim hired a chef to make her healthy foods, but she keeps pushing those plates of healthy foods to the side and is instead wrapping her inner tube lips around a bowl full of my daily eating items: ice cream, fries and sugary cereal. A different source tells The National Enquirer (via Radar) that eating ten dump trucks full of carbs has put 65 pounds on Kim's body. Kanye is spending more time away from her and she thinks it's because her ass now looks like a pile of melting bean bags as seen through the eyes of a ho hallucinating on LSD. The source said this:
“Kim and Kanye’s relationship used to be all about soft music, candlelight dinners and romantic nights together. But now that Kim has put on such a large amount of weight, Kanye seems to be busier with his music schedule than ever, and Kim doesn’t think it’s a coincidence. She’s concerned about Kanye cheating, and his disinterested and distracted attitude isn’t helping."
Nothing hurts the edges of my soul like defending a Kartrashian, but 65 pounds? Maybe they're including her lips too, because those things are at least 20 pounds each. And I don't think Kanye will cheat, because I don't think he has sex with other humans. When he wants to get off, he plays one of his songs and he jacks off onto an auto-tune machine while a robot hand fingers his b-hole.
Here's Kim going to dinner with La La Anthony in L.A. last night.
If that headline didn't make your genitals shrivel up and fall off your body before slithering out the door, then watching this clip from last night's episode of Kourtney and Kim Taint Miami will.
During last night's episode of the #1 show in the Ninth Circle, Khloe Kartrashian tells Kim and the slow one that she read that drinking pineapple juice makes your pussy taste sweet, so they put it the test. Dumping an entire Domino sugar factory into Kim's koochie couldn't make it sweet, but she goes for it anyway. At around the 32:30 mark in the video above, Kim and Kourtney take turns wiping their chochas on cloth napkins for Khloe to sniff on. Khloe tells the camera, "We're sisters, if I can't smell their pusses, what else are we supposed to do?" There's so many things these bitches can do as sisters. They can throw themselves into oncoming traffic. They can hold hands and jump into an active volcano together. They can feed themselves to wolves. They can do so many things!
After smelling Kim and Kourtney's pussy fumes, Khloe declares Kim the winner.
A wookie must have a weak sense of smell, because any other person would've fallen to the floor, convulsed and started foaming at the mouth once they sniffed Kim's kunt kreme. The producers of Dirty Jobs wanted Mike Rowe to work as Kim's gyno for one episode and even he couldn't say yes to that.
Either this pussy smelling contest was rigged or Bruce Jenner was hiding in the other room and Kim wiped her cloth between his butt cheeks, because you know he smells like a sugar cube dipped in hummingbird juice. I swear, these sucio slags. I kan't with them.
And here's KKK's kreator, Pimp Mama Kris, at the launch of Chunky Rob's sock line in Las Vegas. I'm surprised Kim and Kourtney didn't rub their boxes one of Rob's socks. PMK is slipping, because she definitely missed that product placement opportunity.