Kathy Griffin got a poolside pap smear today to raise awareness about cervical cancer and the cameras caught all of it for her reality show My Life on the D-List. Cue her mother screaming: "Goddammit, Kathleen, the whole world doesn't need to know your goddamn cervix by face! Jeeesus Christ!"
In addition to the cervix party by the pool, Kathy also got an Edward Cullen necklace on her bikini line afterwards (I refuse to call it "vajazzling").
So if you happen to be swimming in that same pool this weekend and come across cervix lint*, you now know where it came from.
And I'm honestly surprised that Tyra Banks didn't think of this first! TyTy's vagina was made for a televised pap smear.
*I have no idea what cervix lint is.
Over at Popeater, they are saying that CNN has had enough with Kathy Griffin and is knocking the dick out of her mouth for the final time. According to some source, CNN is pulling the plug on Kathy's act after she launched a beautiful fuck bomb on live TV while hosting New Year's Eve with The Silver Fox. Ugh. What kind of message does this send to our youth? We're telling them that they will be punished for using appropriate and poetic language. Shame on CNN.
What hurts even more is that the source claims even Mah Boo has co-signed Kathy's pink slip: "She was a total embarrassment to the network that calls themselves 'The Most Trusted Name in News.' Even Anderson thinks it's time to say goodbye to Kathy."
A rep for CNN wouldn't confirm or deny this shit. They only said that no decisions have been made about next year's show.
I have a hard time believing that Mah Boo would personally show Kathy the exit. Every time Kathy brings the raunch, Mah Boo giggles and blushes like someone is tapping his fox hole gently with a wet tongue. You can't fake that. Mah Boo loves it!
Last year on New Year's Eve, Kathy Griffin made Mah Boo Anderson Cooper burst into an orgasm of awkward internal giggles when she dropped a line about dicks from Mr. Show. Kathy knew she had to do something this year to keep her name on YouTube's most viewed list. This year Kathy went with a classic: THE FUCK BOMB!
Kathy launched the fuck bomb while Mah Boo talked about 6-year-old Falcon "Balloon Boy" Heene. Kathy seems to think that Falcon sounds a lot like "fuckin." Hey, when it comes to the fuck word being dropped on national TV, I'll take what I can get even if it doesn't make any sense. Kathy is working for the greater cause. And she's also working to make sure Mah Boo's ass lips stay twinkly (yes, they twinkle). Speaking of, here's a clip of Kathy and Mah Boo talking dirty and exchanging gay innuendos. Mah Boo cooing, "It's not hard to take me down" is about to become my new wake-up call.
Lastly, some bitch didn't appreciate Kathy's f bombs and filthy talk taking the spotlight away from Mah Boo.
Just for recording keeping purposes, my Twitter name is not "Bill." Okay, yes it is.
And next year, I hope Kathy finally sends CNN's censors into cardiac arrest by doing something involving strap-ons and the cunt word. Let's go big for 2011, Kathy!
If Kate Gosselin got stuck in a food dehydrator for a few days causing her ass to shrivel down, she'd look just like this! Here's Kathy Griffin channeling Kate Gosselin with help from a polyester possum wig and fake stretch marks (or tummy tuck scars)!
Kathy doesn't have Kate's signature cunt pout down yet, but she can work on that while biting and throwing shank eye at George Takei. George is going to play Jon opposite Kathy's Kate for a skit on Jimmy Kimmel Live. Now, I would've probably cast Rosie O'Donnell as Jon, but George will work too!
Sarah Palin can see this fuckery from her haaaaaus! It's Kathy Griffin getting herself a big slice of Alaskan meat pie at last night's Teen Choice Awards in Los Angeles. 48-year-old Kathy and 19-year-old Levi showed up hand in hand and worked the grass carpet (not that kind of grass, Snoop) together. By the time they got the end of the line, Kathy was knocked up. BAM! That's how the KFed of the Northwest does it!
Kathy joked to E!'s Marc Malkin that she's been nibbling on Levi's Klondike Bar for a while, "Long-distance relationships are not easy, especially when he's in his igloo and I'm in my Hollywood tower." Levi didn't say much, the only thing he managed to spit out was, "I just, you know, look at her, shut up and do what I'm told." You know, that's a lot more words than I thought Levi had in his vocabulary. Tripp must be tutoring him on the side.
If Levi is going to start working the famewhore stroll, he needs to try a little harder. I'm talking about that busted suit! That suit makes him look like a former fatty who is still wearing his old clothes. Dude should just lose the suit altogether and walk down the carpet nekkid so we can finally see if he's a moose or a penguin where it counts. That's all any of really care about.
Here's more of irony's favorite couple whoring it up last night. Git it, Kathy!
Kathy Griffin finally has her own wax figure at Madame Tussaud's in Las Vegas! It's the one on the left in case your eyeballs quit that bitch from trying to figure it out. It is kind of hard to tell since both of their faces are made from the same materials. Although, Kathy's wax figure's hair looks more natural. Seriously, Kathy's hair always looks like it came directly from The Raquel Welch wig factory.
Kathy's wax statue is kind of missing something important. It needs live entertainment and I know just the hot bitch for the job! Peep at the shiny-eyed crackie in the clip below at the 10:00 mark! If she isn't a star, I don't know who is! It won't break Madame Tussaud's bank either, because they won't need to pay her! Just blow a little crack smoke in her face, shine a bright spotlight on her and she's good to go!
The Silver Fox turned 42 yesterday (he doesn't look a day over precious, right?) and he was thrown a mega surprise party while on air! Suze Orman and Kathy Griffin came to knock the dicks out of his mouth while at work and present him with a very expensive-looking cake. It wasn't as impressive as my Andypuss cake from Carvel, but it's a close second. Suze and Kathy sang to Mah Boo and tried to get kinky by strangling him with balloon strings. He's used to it. Mah Boo just giggled through the whole thing like someone was tickling his chesticles through their TV screen. Why are you all looking at me?
I couldn't attend, because of a really annoying thing called "security guards with taser guns." I was planning to hop onto the set in a fluffy bunny costume. You know, because that's what foxes eat. OW!
A little later, Mah Boo, Suze and Kathy attended the Gracie Awards. A little later after that, I'm sure Mah Boo made a wish and blew a skin candle or two. HAPPEH BIRFDAYS!
Kathy Griffin went down to the corner knocked the dicks out of Wonky McValtrex's mouth and dragged her to Kitson to shoot scenes for My Life on the D-List yesterday afternoon. It was a nice of Kathy to show Wonky what a normal vagina looks like. Wonky probably thinks it's okay that her camel toe weighs 30 pounds, is 2-feet wide and stretches all the way to her belly button. Now she knows.
That being said, seeing Kathy's boxed wine spigot this early is not what I needed.
Rosie O'Donnell looks so cushy stuffed into her plastic vagina mitts from Hell. Hopefully, that pair she's wearing isn't covered into much toe jelly, because that shit might have to last her a while. You see, the heavens opened up and the angels have sung. The destructive eyeball killers who have brought so much fugness to this planet might be sent back to the fiery depths of Hell where they were born. Women's Wear Daily says the company is in trouble.
CROCS released a report by the accounting firm Deloitte & Touche LLP that states they're in danger, girl. Their stock is down 19 percent and last February, they reported a loss of $183.6 million. The year before, they posted a profit of $168.2, so the company isn't doing well. They replaced their CEO and cut costs in hopes that they are able to swim out of the red this year.
Run to the mirror, smile wide and then cackle like CHERYL BURKE about to cast a black magic spell on of her contestants. That is my face right now.
But seriously, I don't want a shit load of whores to lose their jobs, so I have an idea. Obviously, the people of the world have stepped out of the fug cloud and decided they no longer want to degrade their feet with that trash, so CROCS has to change things up. They already have all that plastic, so the obvious move is to get into the DILDO business! All they have to do is drop the R and there's their new company name!
IN THIS ECONOMY, almost everyone is getting fucked, so we might as well get fucked with a bright, shiny rod of plastic.
Here's CROCS (not cocs) lover Rosie with Kathy Griffin and Gloria Estefan in Miami yesterday.
This is why Kathy Griffin and Mah Boo should co-host every single show on every single channel during every single time slot. Don't even listen to my babbling about the clip above, this shit speaks for itself. I mean, all Mah Boo wanted to talk and giggle about was his undying love for The Real Housewives of Atlanta and then Kathy just had to go and make my life by telling some drunktard on the street, "I'm working! "I don't go to your job and knock the dicks out of your mouth!" Yes, it's a line from Mr. Show, but Kathy used it with grace and class. She also gets ten million bonus points for saying it front of Mah Boo. Why oh why wasn't there a camera on his adorable face when she said that?! His face probably went from pasty white to magenta in 3 seconds flat and then he exploded from the giggles.
And no, I wasn't the drunk heckler on the street, but Kathy can come to my job and knock the dicks out of my mouth anytime she fucking wants.