Lil' Kim

Thousands gathered in front of the main stage at L.A. Gay Pride in West Hollywood on Saturday and watched as Lil' Kim shook her shellacked ham hocks and kept her waxed cheek cutlets from melting off of her face by fanning herself. We should temporarily put down our umbrellas of hate and not throw shade at Lil' Kim for looking like a big top mess. Let's say something nice instead of making fun of Kim's rubber Nermal face. Or that parched lace front that looks like it just came out of a McDonald's deep fryer. Or those fake lashes that look like the plucked wings of a baby crow (CALL PETA!). Or that face paint job that was probably done by the same foolish mortician's assistant who slathered Lisa Turtle's mug with ten coats of fug. Or the face that Kim looks like an escapee from the Zoobilee Zoo and Mayor Ben really needs to throw a net over this trick. Let's not point any of those things out and focus on the positive for once!

I'm going to slow clap at Kim for qualifying for the U.S. Olympic Eyebrow Game trials. I'm also going to say something nice about Kim's nose. I'd sit and bounce on Kim's nose, because it always looks like a short pencil dick with a pinched mushroom head and anything that makes me think about peen is a good thing. ("Dumb slut, what doesn't make you think about dick?" - you). Good point.

I could try to write a 4,000 page series of horror novels in the style of Bram Stoker solely based on the Wildenstein-ing of Lil' Kim's face and the Top Ramen-ing of her crunchy weave, but it's THOSE BROWS that are giving me a headache from the chorus of terrifying screams trying to bust out of my head. This is Kim at last night's Rip the Runway and loooooooooord.

Lil' Kim could make an exact replica of La Toya Jackson's face out of puppet skin and fix it onto the front of her head with silicone staples, and I'd say, "Eh." Lil' Kim could pull chunks of old weave out of Beyonce's plumbing pipes and tack it onto her head using Elmer's and I'd still say, "Eh." But Bitch has gone way too far when she's made her eyebrows look like something a waiter at Olive Garden should have in his hand while he asks me if I'd like freshly grated cheese on my chicken alfredo. Those brows look like mustard powder too. Brows should not look like a condiment!

I just want to rip off those chimney brush lashes and scrape off that dusty shit on Kim's brows. Kim wouldn't totally look like a Medusa Bratz doll if she didn't bread her brows (brows milanese?). Okay, yes she would, but still.

I swear, this is the reason that I cry. Those brows look diseased. I wish Kim had a PayPal donation button next to those brows, because I'd put a few dollars in so she can take them to see a gynecologist. Don't let anybody tell you that yeast infection brows are the look.

On Watch What Happens Live last night, the Beast Vincent of hip hop, Lil' Kim, let the piping hot hate she feels for Fire Marshall Minaj (copyright: ONTD) melt her frozen face so she could move her mouth to say that only a stupid ho would write a song called "Stupid Hoe." The bitch battle royale between Kim and that dark-sided Linda Blair wannabe Nicki Minaj is alive and well. It's never going to end until they finally go at it and all that's left afterward is a patch of Barbie hair and a puddle of silicone.

I know I called Kim a "stupid ho" in my headline, but I've always liked her ass. Kim's face reminds me of La Toya Jackson's fourth generation face (I think Toy Toy's on her fifth by now) and she gave me my life motto: "You ain't lickin' this, you ain't stickin' this." That said, I can't with her ass and I can't with Nick Minaj. When it comes to female rappers, the only teams I'm on are Team KHIA and Team Oaktown 357!

Here's Nicki's arch rival at The Blondes show in NYC yesterday looking like Mufasa in Swan Lake.

Here's the newest completed high art project from Photoshop Lifetime Achievement Award winner Lil' Kim. The group of Photoshop artists who cracked their knuckles from spending days on end touching up the cover for Kim's new single should be proud that they made her face look like an inside/out plastic lion mask decorated with lead-based varnishes. Kim should be celebrated as a true original, because when was the last time you saw the Beast in Beauty's dress? Nicki Minaj can stay sitting, thankyouverymuch.

via Rap-Up (Thanks, Cory)

On the left is a Photoshop artiste's rendering of Lil' Kim Jong-Il, and on the right is a hot bitch who pretty much knows it won this battle without even clenching its anal glands and moving its paw. Kim tried to win this shit by getting a ho to Photoshop her arms until they looked like two twigs harvesting skunk testicles on them. (Seriously, Kim's arms are what a dick looks like when it does ass sex with a Kardashian before her daily crack wax and dingle cleanse.) But the poodle truly knows how to wear pube puffs on its limbs. Therefore, the poodle wins (like you didn't already know).

And in case you a need a reminder on Photoshop's talent at turning fuckery into mega fuckery, here's the full promo tease from Kim's new album:

Bitch looks like a Barbie that became a new home to a family of woolly bear caterpillars after it was left out in the backyard. Kim even has that "forgotten Barbie" look about her. But I shouldn't hate, because I'm sure PayPal is tripling up their server since it's obvious that Kim's new album is going to top the PayPal charts!

Detective La Toya Jackson can call off the search for a sidekick, because the Watson to her Sherlock has been found. Lil' Kim has proven that her eyes can see through the fog and she has what it takes to prowl through the cobblestone streets in search of the truth! On the anniversary of Biggie's murder, Kim called in to Power 95.3 in Orlando to give one of her theories on who killed B.I.G. and Tupac. SPOILER ALERT: Kim thinks Uncle Sam pulled the trigger. But here's Kim in her own words:

“I always felt like Biggie and Tupac’s deaths was bigger than how they tried to make it believed to be. Them two was very powerful guys. They both could have ran for mayor just like Arnold Schwarzenegger and probably won, and you know I think the government is looking at it like, ‘We can not have these two hood dudes with this much power running for mayor or something like that and winning’. Because they feel like they would have lost control I think.

I can’t say whether this person is involved or that person is involved and you know, no ones knows, but I do know that it’s deeper than people would like it to believe to be.”

You can HAHAHAHA at Kim all you want, but she does have a point. The names Co-Mayor Shakur and Co-Mayor Biggie do make me want to re-register in California and vote a bitch in. Free clinics would have buffets with a blunt section. We'd all vote for them.

So Kim is definitely onto something. As soon as she solves the case of her missing original face, she should team up with Det. La Toya and get to the bottom of this!

via Radar

This isn't a flyer for a snuff party you'd knock off your windshield after coming out of the club at 4 in the morning. It's the cover for Lil' Kim's diss-tape called "Black Friday" which she has dedicated to her forever rival Nicki Minaj. Kim kept it demure and subtle as always by using the Mortal Kombat Photoshop tool to decapitate Nicki with a sword. Kim also used that sword to scrape all signs of life from this cover, because it makes Pixar movies look like documentaries. I know that Kim farts pixels, but damn.

Bitch looks like if the T-1000 tried to morph into a contestant on RuPaul's Drag Race, but got stuck halfway through. This almost looks like a scene you'd make with stickers you bought from the Scholastic Book Catalog. And I know that's supposed to be Nicki's head (once again, subtle...) over there, but that looks more like a bubble of Pepto.

And if you're craving more of Kim's subtlety, here's Kim "pissing on them" over the instrumental from one of Nicki's tracks.

via Crunk + Disorderly

If Kimora Lee Simmons and Snooki fused their ovary eggs together with pan-cake foundation and then fertilized it with the sperm of a Kardashian before letting it incubate between CoCo's ass cheeks for 9 months, out would come Lil' Kim looking just like this! Like if a Siamese cat fell into a vat of bronzer and then dried itself off with a towel made of baby powder.

Didn't somebody tell Kim that clogging up every single one of her pores with oil-based paint is a dangerous game to play? They can't breathe! Kim's overworked chocha is trying to puff in enough air for everybody and it can't! It's inhaling so hard that her asshole is puckering. I thoroughly believe that glamour hurts, but you've gone way too far when your pussy needs an inhaler and an oxygen mask at the end of the night. Too far, Kim, too far.

Here's more of Kim and her suffocating snatch at Club QUO in NYC last night.

At Nelson Mandela's birfday concert in NYC this past weekend, Cyndi Lauper and Lil' Kim sang "Time After Time" together. Maybe I blocked it out, but I don't think I've ever heard Lil' Kim sing live before and now I know why. I'm thinking the overgrown pube bush on Cyndi Lauper's hair might have sucked all the moisture out of Lil Kim's voice, because homegirl sounds dry. Throw a Gatorade on her throat! Lil Kim' also sounds like the prison warden made her run 100 laps before the concert.

Let this be a lesson, don't let a train get ran on you before performances. Wait until after!

And is it just me, or does Kim sort of looks like the toddler version of Katie Price? I see what Kim's doing. If she looks just like Katie Price, maybe she'll get Harvey to come over to her side. Good play.

I know, I know. It's way too early for Lil Kim's overcooked Shrinky Dink face, but get used to this precious mug. It will grace your television screens twice a week beginning in March, because Kim will be part of the new cast of Dancing for Relevancy! The entire cast was announced last night and I recognized 90% of the has-beens or never-wases! Most of them still aren't "stars," but if you combine all their fame together you might get half of a star, so the producers are getting close!

I'm calling it right now that Lil Kim is going to win that 99-Cent store trophy at the end! The bitch probably dances like a chipmunk with a heated curling iron up its ass, but her face will kill the competition. Literally! On the first episode, everyone's going to gather on the dancefloor, take one look at Kim and either a) blackout b) run for cover or c) try to eat her face off to stop the madness. Either way, Kim has got this. And think of the nip and pussy slips! The FCC is going to make it mandatory just to cover up her whole body (and face) with a giant censored bar at all times just in case.

Anytrannywiththirddegreeburns, the rest of the cast pretty much gives Ambien a run for its sleepy money. Here's the rest:

Belinda Carlisle - Kim and Belinda can bond by injecting cooking oil into their faces together!
David Alan Grier - Think Cloris Leachman but less charming and with more annoying shenanigans!
Jewel - This won't save her soul or her career.
Lawrence Taylor - WHO?!
Shawn Johnson - Nasty Nastia totally passed this mess and Shawn was the next best thing.
Gilles Marini - If he doesn't flash the peen here like he did in Sex and the City, then I'm not interested.
Ty Murray - Jewel's husband and that's about it!
Chuck Wicks - See Lawrence Taylor.
Steve-O - Steve-NO is more like it.
Nancy O'Dell - Could have been worse. Could have been fucking Lara Spencer!
Denise Richards - Get ready for cunt eyes and moves like paraplegic ice cube.
Steve Wozniak - THE WOZ! He belongs on America's Next Top Teddy Bear You Want to Cuddle, not on this shit.