Kate Bosworth, the upside down broom that Hollywood decided to turn into an actress, has been rubbing her unflavored bits all over writer, director and actor Michael Polish of Twin Falls Idaho for about a year now and it seems like he's put a hitchin' ring on her skin-covered phalange. Kate wrote some post about her trip to Seoul, South Korea for Vogue and in it, she called MP her "fiancé." What does it all mean? Does this mean Kate Bosworth is engaged?! ("Yes, it means she's engaged and yes, answering questions about Kate 'Non-Muthafuqin Factor' Bosworth's personal life tells me that I need to spend my brain power on more important things like reading the ingredient list on a box of Knox Gelatine." - you) Here's what Kate wrote:
On our first day in Seoul, my fiancé, Michael Polish, and I venture out to discover Changdeokgung Palace. As soon as we enter, it is like magically being transported to a different world—this awe-inspiring, sprawling place was originally built in 1405. We explore ancient towers, pavilions, and the beautiful “secret gardens,” and the feeling is serene, peaceful, and ancient. What is interesting about Seoul is the juxtaposition between modern-day skyscrapers, towering over ancient preserved buildings.
Kate used to regularly see the faces of all the Norse gods right before she came thunderbolts while riding Mount ASkars, so any trick she humps after that is going to be a major downgrade. With that being said, bitch did good for herself. In almost every picture I see of Kate, she looks cold, wilty from not eating food things and on the verge of asking you for a cigarette. In almost every picture I see of MP, he looks cold, wilty from not eating food things and on the verge of asking you for a cigarette. They're perfect each other! Together, they can look cold and hungry while they ask strangers for two cigarettes.
My wet dreams tell me that when you take a mythical ride on the mighty hammer of Thor on ASkars' crotch, you are suddenly shot into a magical world of wonder where all nipples look like they belong in a Maynards bag and you develop an uncanny ability to make complete sense out of assembly instructions for Ikea furniture. So the fall from that euphoric orgasm is probably a hard one and leads you to do dark and dirty shit. Unfortunately for Kate's stomach, that "dark and dirty shit" doesn't involve eating something other than water soup and oxygen burgers. Instead of eating her feelings, Kate is fugging up her feelings and wearing them all over her body.
While leaving a Coldplay concert in L.A. last night with movie director Michael Polish, Kate looked like a wet troll doll stuck on top of a pencil. Easter egg dye is reserved only for hard boiled eggs, not for the splintery mop of straw on your head, ho.
When you tell who ever is doing your hair that you want it to look like a melted Firecracker Popsicle without the fire and he quits your ass on the spot, you should take that as a hint. Bitch looks like the broom my abuelita used when she tried to sweep blue cake frosting off of the patio after my 7th birthday party. (Yeah, I don't know why abuelitas always try to sweep shit that isn't sweepable.)
Although, Kate did show up to a Coldplay concert even though there were rumors that Chris Martin cheated on Fishy with her, so I'll give her that. Anything that makes Fishsticks Paltrow ask the concierge at her hotel in Paris where the nearest organic kitten imported from Holland is so she can punch it is fine by me. (Note: I do not condone taking out your frustrations on a kitten. Organic or otherwise.)
The sun is shining, and coochie and ass lips alike are clapping together now that ASkars and the splintery broom who didn't turn back into her human form when Belle declared her love for the Beast are no longer humping on each other! Today, the sound of an angel's orgasmic queef comes form UsWeekly who is pleased to announce that ASkars' Swedish meatballs are back on the Ikea buffet line after two long years. Grab your trays!
"It was very mutual," a source tells the new issue of Us. "And it happened a while ago."
During a July 21 Film District bash at Comic-Con in San Diego, the actor, 34, flirted with a brunette -- and left the party with her.
"He's single," confirms a source, "and he is loving the attention!"
YES! Now all of us can finally twist our nipples to ASkars' half nekkid ass nekkid body without worrying about Kate Bosworth crawling out from under our beds like an oatmeal version of that crazy little bitch from The Grudge. This is not only good news for our fap fantasies, but it's also good news for Kate's stomach. Now that she's no longer only slurping on ASkars' pickled gherkin, she can put some actual food in her mouth. But really, I can't blame Kate for not taking her mouth off of ASkars' pickled gherkin, but I can blame her for letting go. If I was Kate Bosworth, I'd immediately shampoo my hair since her mop looks like a plate of onion straws marinating in pit sweat. Then I'd get on his peen and never let go. ASkars' dick would be Jack and I'd be Rose. But unlike Rose's dumb ass, I'd NEVER let go.
(Image via Superhero Fan)
It's that time of year again when celebwhores from every list gather in the desert of California and hipster-ize themselves by rolling around in a bin at the Salvation Army and filling their pores with Patchouli! It's Coachella! It felt only fitting to let Tara Reid, who puts the hell in Coachella, lead the way of hos who look like they just fell out of the ass of an Urban Outfitters.
Only Tara the Terrible would wear Lucifer's footwear of choice in 1 million degree weather. You just know the inside of her UGGs are coated with a thick, gooey toe-smegma that is made of whiskey that secretes out of her foot pores and coke dust from an 8-ball she stashed in there years ago. At the end of the night when all the food trucks are closed, Tara can smear that UGGs butter on a piece of cardboard and get drunk high all over again! Actually, Tara might be a genius for that. This is the only time in history I approve of UGGs.
Anyway, here's who joined Tara in sweating their pits off while sucking the nuts of a coco. In order: Penn Badgley with the gay son from Desperate Housewives, RDJ!!!!, Vanessa Hudgens (who needs to know that we already have one Lisa Bonet), Tara, Jack Osbourne, Alessandra Ambrosio with her dude, Nick Simmons, Dita Von Teese, Usher, Danny DeVito, Ashley Greene with that dude from Kings of Leon, The Hoff with his latest leased piece, Kellan Lutz, Paul McCartney, ASkars with Kate Bosworth, Tony Hawk and Bud Bundy.
This is seriously a screen shot from someone's wet dream. Here's Alexander Skarsgard getting his pecs massaged by a man in uniform at Coachella on Saturday. Who cares if the officer looks kind of like George Lopez from the back. I'll take what I can get.
UsWeekly says that Askars had to be restrained by Officer Lolo after he brought the cuntness on a pap who kept taking pictures of him with Kate Bosworth. Askars made a fist and was ready to get down until the officer cooled the flame in his ass by giving his chichis a squeeze. Unfortunately, Askars was not thrown into a jail cell with a bunch of sweaty, shirtless desert grifters. That part of your wet dream is yet to be realized.
Here's more of Askars at Coachella on Saturday including some pictures of a chick trying to grab at his Swedish meatballs and Kate trying to look sexy while riding on his shoulders during a show. Kate ain't shit! Unless Askars also has a mouth on the back of his neck, she's sitting the wrong way. Dumb bitch!
Here we have genital awakener Alexander Skarsgard getting close to Kate Bosworth at Coachella yesterday. The two have never come out and said that they are bumping nipples in the night, so let's just assume they are friends. Maybe Askars isn't resisting the urge to hump her lips with his. Maybe he's just trying to find a gentle way of telling her that she's got food caca all up in her teefs. Or maybe he's trying to glamour her into going back to the hotel to change her dress so she doesn't look like a crocheted dildo cozy. Yeah, that's it.
Last October when Kate Bosworth was rumored to be grinding her bones on Alexander Skarsgard's bone, they both denied it. And even at the Golden Globes last night, ASkars still claimed his peen belonged to nobody. But Hollywood Life says they saw ASkars and Kate dry hump on each other at HBO's GG after-party last night.
Somebody should send Kate an application for the Witness Protection Program, because she might have to go underground once the crazed fangbangers realize she might be ASkars' regular fuck time partner. They are just like Twihards, except meatier.
This is what Hollywood Life cliams they saw with their own eyes:
The couple arrived separately to HBO’s Golden Globes fete Jan. 17 around 10:45. While Alex, 33, schmoozed and mingled, Kate, 27, stood quietly in a corner with her beau’s Blood co-star, Ryan Kwanten. But clearly, after minutes away from his lady, Alex was ready for a taste of her blood. Or her lips. Whatever.
Like the best make-out moment in any movie, the Swedish star strode up to his diminutive gal pal, put her face in his hands and gave her a longgggggggggg, slow kiss. So Hollywood! It was almost like no one else was in the room: they stood in the crowded bar area of the Beverly Hilton’s pool area kissing like the world was going to end. Hot!
We even saw some booty action: after Kate wrapped her arms around Alex, she grabbed his butt. Can’t say we blame her – it’s a great butt.
After some giggling, whispering and snuggling, the two walked off together hand in hand.
The part that bothers my nipples the most is that Kate and ASkars walked off "hand in hand." If you were strolling next to ASkars, you'd walk hand-on-peen. Or vagina-on-peen. Or mouth-on-peen. Or anus-on-peen. Or earhole-on-peen. NOT HAND IN HAND.
Kate needs to seize every opportunity to jump on that Swedish meat........before the fangbangers get to her.
In this week's GOOP, Fishsticks Paltrow will teach us how to make an organic stew using clumps of Kate Bosworth's hair, Chris Martin's tongue and a dash of her own tears of anger (aka essence of cunty). Fishy will serve up this delicious entree in honor of Star Magazine's claims that Chris Martin is stepping out on her with Kate Bosworth. ESCANDALO! And Fishy knows exactly what that word means since she's like full Spanish.
Lainey Gossip got a hold of Star's new issue (out tomorrow), which tells the sordid tale of Chris' very public make-out session with Kate Bosworth. According to some witnesses, Chris and Kate flicked tongues at the U2 concert in Las Vegas a couple of weeks ago. They did it without a care in the world.
Spokeswhore for Fishy, Kate and Chris deny this shit.
If this is true, then I'm sure Fishy is so mad she could rub her titties in a bowl of preservatives. She wouldn't be mad that Chris is fucking around, but she would be angry that he got caught! Fishy probably doesn't care if Chris is doing ass sex down in the basement with a lima bean as long as her world continues to look perfect to the outside. Well, she would care if the lima bean wasn't 100% organic. But that's it.
And how can Kate Bosworth go from Alexander Skarsgard to Chris Martin?! Homegirl needs to work on her vagina's palette.
Just a quick minute ago, there were rumors that Alexander Skarsgard and his True Blood co-star Evan Rachel Wood were dating on the down low. Well, Askars loves to spread the hotness, because now Radar is saying that he might be getting loose with another co-star, Kate Bosworth.
Kate and Askars, who just finished shooting a movie together in Louisiana, were acting all couple-like at the Spike TV Scream Awards in Los Angeles this past Saturday night. After Kate presented Askars with the Best Villain award, they "canoodled" backstage. Some witness said they were whispering in each other's ears while holding hands.
Spokeswhore for both of them say they are just fweeeeeeendz.
Askars knows he's the peen of the moment, so he's just having a little fuck time fun. That's all this is. If he isn't serving Evan Rachel Wood a plate of his Swedish meatballs, then he's letting Kate Bosworth lick on his homemade Blodkorv. Although, I'm a little concerned for Kate. Bitch is the size of a fetus' nose hair, so she better down a dozen protein shakes before she tries to fuck on Askars all the way.
When I first heard Amy Wino was going to shower her meth loogies all over Coachella, I was more than willing to fry my ass lips off to get a glimpse of her heroin shake. Then it was announced that America wouldn't let her in, so I put my coochie cutters away. And look at everything I missed!
I mean, I could have witnessed The Hoff doing gross mouth things with some kind of creature who may still have a nutsack dangling down below. Also, I could have marveled at Kate Bosworth attempting to eat a piece of pizza, but not quite getting it. Methinks the skinny bitch forgot how to swallow. Even Reese Witherspoon and her main homegirl were there drinking out of coconuts! Well, I think just Reese was. Jakey knew it was kind of cliche for him to be sucking milky liquid out of a long tube.
But for those of us that didn't go, it's a good fucking thing, because that skankwhoreuglytrampbitchcunt Wonky McValtrex was there to put the HELL in Coachella. Those poor fools who were within a 2-mile radius of Wonky engaging in illegal acts (i.e. tongue fucking her dildo boyfriend) better take a trip down to the free clinic before their pores start leaking toxic pussy fluids.
Here's more celebwhores at Coachella yesterday including Kristin Cavawhogivesafuck, Tara Reid, Evan Rachel Wood's doppelganger and the ghost of Kurt Cobain.