Jessica Alba

Now we finally know where MiserAlba got her beautiful bitchface from. She got it from her moms! Yeah, I too thought this was Kathy Griffin in a remake of Shallow Hal, but it's just MiserAlba's mama je'e.

You know, I think I might have a bitch crush on Catherine Alba. I mean, she's a ginge, albeit a fake ass one, and she's mastered the total cuntface. I'm also getting a little bit of "Jeana from The Real Housewives of Orange County" flavor from her. And who doesn't love Jeana?

I hope Catherine crop dusted MiserAlba after she said this shit about her mom last year, "Everyone in my family is heavily overweight I wanted to be healthier, so I started cooking for myself when I was 12 years old."

Heavily overweight?! What an asshole! That's big and beautiful to her! I guess MiserAlba is a bigger bitch than her mom. Well, she was given the tools and she did it better.

Here's Big MiserAlba and Lil' MiserAlba doing stuff yesterday. And also Lil' MiserAlba with new hair today. It's nice to see that her new haircut didn't fuck with her precious bitchface.

These before & after airbrushing pictures are always interesting to look at to see just exactly how the Photoshop artistes turn a normal looking person into a robot mannequin. These are similar-looking pictures are from MiserAlba's Campari campaign and there really wasn't anything wrong with the original picture. But the Campari hos figured that nobody wanted to see the real MiserAlba, so they removed a few ribs, gave her bigger titty sacks and washed away her hungry coochie. They even erased the slight grin from her face! It's a good thing they did that shit, because I probably wouldn't have recognized her grouchy ass if she was smiling a little bit.

They should have done the same thing in the picture below. They shaved like 10-inches off her waist, so while they were tinkering with that shit, they should've painted a scowl on her face. And it would've looked more authentic if her fingers were flipping us off.

Source VIA ONTD

Now that MiserAlba is a mom, did you see what her 98 pound ass bought? A 4 ton battle tank to tote her miserable culo and Baby Honor around. Oh don't you worry tree hugging hippies, it's a hybrid! Instead of 23 miles to the gallon, it gets a whopping 25.2!

I don't know why she didn't buy a Smart Car to begin with. There's plenty of room in that shoe box for her skinny ass and a jump seat for her spawn. Not like she needs the Griswold family truckster to be hauling her enormous family around in. I'll bet she'll put those stick figure stickers on the back. One stick figure of her, little one of Baby Honor and maybe on the other side of the window, one for "Just in it for the" Cash Warren.

Anymisery, here she is visiting her "acting" coach (haha, his ass would be so fired because obviously he's not doing his job! I mean seriously, have you seen her movies?) in L.A. the other day.

MiserAlba's latest ad for Declare Yourself casts her as some weepy Hannibal Lecter type with ratty hair. MiserAlba looks so....miserable, which makes me so happy!

This is probably MiserAlba's drivers license picture sans the mask. They had to Photoshop that shit in. Oh and they had to Photoshop the tears in too, because crocodile tears never show up in pictures.

When we go to the polls in November, can we vote to keep MiserAlba this way permanently?

I had to rub my eyes a few dozen times to make sure I read this shit right! Yesterday in Manhattan, MiserAlba, Baby Honor and her bodyguard got on the subway at Union Square to go to Brooklyn. The fucking subway! I would mortgage my soul to the devil to see MiserAlba on the subway.

Most bitches on the subway already look like they're waiting for a reason to curse you the fuck out. Me included. I can only imagine what MiserAlba's cranky ass face looked like while riding the train. In my dreams, I'm picturing that the train was completely full. When MiserAlba entered, nobody looked or offered her a seat. She had to stand the whole way while killing those hos with her eyes. Even Baby Honor joined in.

MiserAlba was in Brooklyn to see a new apartment. I've included a picture of the building in case any of you are looking to move there. Beware! There may be a dark cloud living over you!

Here's more of MiserAlba with Honor in Brooklyn and also some pictures of them with "Just in it for the" Cash Warren in Manhattan. Oh and MiserAlba's not smiling because she's happy. She's smiling because she still has the post-pregnancy farts.

There's no better way to start your day than with two grouch faces wishing you a BAD MORNING. I'm pretty relieved to see that Baby Honor inherited her mother's signature miserable expression.

I would be willing to take some medication for my allergic reaction to babies if it meant that I could spend a couple of minutes with Baby Honor. I'd "coo" at her and she'd roll her eyes. I'd wave at her and she'd give me the side-eye. I'd make stupid animal sounds to make her laugh and she'd burp in my face. That's my kind of baby.

Although, Baby Honor does have a valid reason for being so grouchy. I mean, her name is Honor and she probably knows it.

Here's MiserAlba and Honor in NYC yesterday.

Naw, I'm lying. I don't want a smile from MiserAlba. I like it when she's her true self: grouchy, angry and miserable!

She looks like she's holding a fart in. Shit, she's probably been holding in a fart for years. That shit will turn you black inside.

MiserAlba is probably one of those types that when she gets mad, she doesn't flip out at you, she let's the anger stew and gives you the silent treatment for a few days. When you ask her, "What's wrong?" She rolls her eyes, snaps her tongue off her teeth and gives a "Pfff!" She continues to walk around the house, slamming doors and huffing every time she sees your ass.

Here's MiserAlba with Baby Honor leaving some medical joint yesterday. What in mummy hell is on her feet? It looks like it takes a lot of work to put on those fugly things. And that security dude didn't open up the door for her! He's going to get a little slip with his next check that says, "You're fired! I hate you! Love, MiserAlba".

Baby Honor should give herself an extra drool on the chin for a job well done! She worked hard for that $1.5 million from OK! Magazine! And when I say "hard for the money," I mean she probably slept and pooped the whole time.

A half-smiling MiserAlba and her "dream baby" are on this week's cover and it looks like Baby Honor is going to be spending a few hours of the day at Sunset Tan. Before MiserAlba popped she told Latina Magazine, "I'm excited for my baby to be brown. I just have to believe the dark gene is going to survive. Cash and I are like, please!" Baby Honor, it's time to hit those tanning beds!

I nearly spit out my Sanka with Cremora when I read this quote from MiserAlba about giving birth, "The labor was more like meditation. I didn't scream. It was really Zen." GimmeCash Warren said he was surprised at how quiet she was. Yeah, because she too busy gritting her teeth and quietly planning the violent deaths of everyone in the room.

They both think Baby Honor looks just like Cash. He said, "I want her to look like me, because a daughter looking like Jessica, I'd kill myself!" Can everybody please call up Cash and scream, "She looks just like MiserAlba!"

She looks like a normal baby to me. Well, a baby who is $1.5 million richer!

MiserAlba's eyes on the cover are saying to me, "UGH! I'm only doing this for the stupid ass money, so fugly ass Cash can waste more of our dumb money on his bunk ass business!"

Since MiserAlba has given birth to Baby Honor she's been so smiley and cheery. I don't like that shit one bit! The grouchy, cunty, mean ass ho I've come to know and love has been MIA for a while. Well, she was back in Beverly Hills today, sort of.

MiserAlba seemed like her lovely grumpy self while spending some of that baby whorin' money. Things were going swell until MiserAlba's dumb bitch of a friend made her smile and laugh. NO! Why did she have to go and do that?!

I need MiserAlba to snap out of this "happy funk" and go back to being the cranky bitch who covers her face from the paparazzi and sneers at them as she walks by. I miss that bitch!

Just like all of us, cold hard cash puts a smile on MiserAlba's permanent grouch face. TMZ reports that MiserAlba has gone and joined the Baby Whoring Club by selling the first pictures of Baby Honor for a cheap $1.5 million to OK! Magazine. Seriously, Matthew McConaughey got $3 million and MiserAlba only got $1.5?! I'm disappointed in that mean ass bitch.

A source said that at first MiserAlba turned down offers from the weeklies, but eventually gave in when the price was right. Hey, she's a pimp that knows her baby's worth. The deal includes the first pictures of Honor as well as some other events like Christmas or MiserAlba's divorce party. The pictures were already taken this week.

MiserAlba could have made more money by adding extras. She should have told their asses that if they want her to fake smile, that's an extra million. And if they actually want her to hold the baby, that's another $500,000.

MiserAlba also owes it to her daughter to put that money in a "Change Your Name Fund."