Jessica Alba

MiserAlba's cuntface was at the top of its game yesterday as she shuffled around in Los Angeles with a brand new shiny red mop on top of her head. You know, usually a touch of a fiery ginge should make your nipples whistle and your mouth assume the smiley position, but MiserAlba wasn't having it. Can't say I blame her ass this time. The new red hair brings out the asshole in her. Specifically, the Asshole Simpson. Seriously, MiserAlba looks like she has chronic acid reflux disease.

If I was MiserAlba, I wouldn't play around with that red. I'd immediately dip that shit in a bowl of brown RIT. Looking like Ashlee Simpson will only bring her trouble. I mean, does she want to look out her window to find Papa Joe jerking his daisy to her? Yea, no. Bitch needs to put some Feria on it!

Also, it looks like MiserAlba has taken a laser to the tattoo she had on the back of her neck. Meanwhile, her horrific tramp stamp lives on! That was the one that needed to go. Whoever told MiserAlba that her b-hole is a gift to us all was wrong.

A newly peroxided MiserAlba slipped a bikini bottom over her grouchy nalgas and spent the day at the beach in Malibu on Saturday. You know her ass cursed at the sand for being so sandy, got cunty with the water for being so salty and flipped off the seagulls for being so seagully. MiserAlba should use her laser beam bitch glare to trim the mangy poodle on Cash Warren's belly. It needs a trim.

Well, this is an odd couple. Last night in Malibu, MiserAlba and Rachel "Chupacabra" Zoe had a meal together. Well, MiserAbla probably ate while Chupa just nibbled from a Ziploc bag filled with the eyelashes of babies and Nicole Richie's old dried-up fat cells. Chupa's diet explains why her mop looks like a scarecrow's armpit hair......

Seriously, what in the name of singed Barbie hair is that on her head?! I just want to throw a gallon of Gatorade over Chupa's head, because her hair is looking mighty thirsty. A bottle of lotion will instantly dry up just by looking at her hay head. Put a Wesson factory on it!

While MiserAlba was in Oklahoma City shooting The Killer Inside Me, she decided to spend her off hours saving the sharks by fucking up other people's property! You know, because it's widely known that Oklahoma City is a popular summer vacation spots for sharks.

The Lost Ogle says that last week MiserAlba pasted shark posters all over Downtown Oklahoma City as a way to raise awareness to the shrinking population of Great Whites. The problem is that there was no kind of information on the poster. It's just a poster of a Great White that she probably bought at the swap meet. This looks more like a gorilla marketing campaign for Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus. Now that would've been brilliant.

There's also another problem. MiserAlba covered up a billboard for United Way. The United Way told TMZ that they will probably have to pay to get the billboard replaced.

My favorite part is how she looks all proud of herself! She's like "Yay me!" I mean, she's even SMILING really big. She probably bought herself a cupcake afterwards for a job well done. And don't even accuse MiserAlba of not knowing anything about sharks. She was in Into the Blue after all and there were sharks in that movie. Duh.

You know the sharks are down in the ocean pasting posters of MiserAlba's angry face with the text, "You aren't helping" written on it.

UPDATE: MiserAlba issued an "I'm sowwy" statement to TMZ, but she kind of just blamed the shark people for leading her to vandalism: "I got involved in something I should have had no part of. I realize that I should have used better judgment and I regret not thinking things through before I made spontaneous and ill-advised decision to let myself get involved with the people behind this campaign. I sincerely apologize to the citizens of Oklahoma City and to the United Way for my involvement in this incident."

The Alba bitchface gene is alive and fucking well! MiserAlba's mother, Mama MiserAlba, has already proven she has the gift. And now we know that Baby MiserAlba will carry on the family legacy! You know how I feel about those baby things, but this one has won me over with her "not amused" face. Homegirl can make her own baby food by squishing carrots with her eyes. Although, in Baby MiserAlba's defense, I'd be making that same face too if some fool wearing a leather highlighting cap was carrying me around.

MiserAlba is in all of us! Her beauty transcends all cultures! That's what that bitch claims anyway. In the new issue of Elle, MiserAlba talked about her exotic looks: "There aren’t many other stars, besides Halle Berry and Jennifer Lopez, who most people in the world can related to. We look like people of the world – I can kind of mix in with girls in Asia, South America, Europe.”

Bitch is like the Small World ride at Disneyland, but except for smiley happy dancey children, you get a frowner who will cut you with her death eyes. And my second cousin Lupe is going to be fucking thrilled to know she's an international hybrid beauty who can pass as a Swedish chick, because ho looks just like MiserAlba.

MiserAlba also talked about how she cried tears out of her eyes when she had to work out to lose the baby weight, "The workouts were horrible. I cried. And I haven’t worked out since." And she went on to say that contractions are cake and ice cream! "Contractions aren’t that bad. If you’ve ever had bad cramps? That’s what they’re like.”

Contractions were nothing to MiserAlba, because she took the pain she was feeling out on Cash Warren's balls. She slowly popped them one by one. Cash has a no-nut area now, but that doesn't matter, because MiserAlba had an easy child birth!

And she only cried during her workouts, because her trainer played her movies during their sessions. Her acting skills makes everyone cry.

This is MiserAlba going to acting class in Los Angeles yesterday. Yes, acting class and not "acting like a fucking bitch" class. Seriously, what is the point of this? Her teacher probably loves this shit. It's an hour of non-stop comedy watching MiserAlba trying to pull out the raw emotion from her ass. That teacher's throat is probably all fucked up from trying to hold so many laughs for so long.

Seriously, this is like me going to purity class. It's a joke and everyone there would know it.

When your acting talents peaked with a cameo role in Never Been Kissed, you probably shouldn't even bother trying to sharpen that dull tool. MiserAlba should spend her time on more important things. You know, she could go to a Harvard and teach a class on the neutral countries of the world since she's such a fucking world historian.

And she would wear one of those scarves. She just fucking would.

Blog fight! Last week or so, MiserAlba acted like a know-it-all mega cunt (rose ceremony shocking, right?) to some reporter during an event in DC. She asked him some question about Obama and he didn't want to answer, because he said he's a journalist. A better answer would have been, "I'm a business woman!"

MiserAlba didn't like the journalist's response and told him to "be neutral - be Sweden about it." TMZ later called her a "ditz" for saying Sweden instead of Switzerland.

Also last week, MiserAlba called Bill O'Reilly an a-hole. Bill responded by basically saying she was a dumb fuck, but he used the word "misguided" instead.

Well, MiserAlba blogged all about it.

Last week, Mr. Bill O'Reilly and some really classy sites (i.e.TMZ) insinuated I was dumb by claiming Sweden was a neutral country. I appreciate the fact that he is a news anchor and that gossip sites are inundated with intelligent reporting, but seriously people...it's so sad to me that you think the only neutral country during WWII was Switzerland. Check out: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sweden_during_World_War_II if you want to see what I was referring to. I appreciate the name calling and the accurate reporting. Keep it up!!

TMZ put on their sarcasm gloves and typed out this response to her: "She is absolutely correct. Sweden was a neutral country ... 60 years ago. We apologize for not considering the political climate of the world in 1942 when we suggested she may have meant, 'Be Switzerland' -- a country that is currently neutral." ZING! BANG! POP!

I'm learning more shit about WWII from MiserAlba and TMZ than I did during two years of world history. Or was it three years? I don't know. I was asleep through most of that shit. I would've ditched, but I loved watching my world history teacher eat toothpaste before and after each class. One time he caught me saying, "Ewwww. He's doing it again." He shouted at me, "Do you know how much gum and mints cost?! I'm a teacher not a contractor!" That was hot.

All this talk about Sweden has me craving Ikea Swedish meatballs. Or as MiserAlba would call them "neutral balls."

And I must share with you my favorite comment on MiserAlba's blog about her response. It comes from this dude and it pretty much sums up everything: "i really don't know who u are or what u doing here but u really hottt girl...."

Why don't I ever get comments like that?!

I knew MiserAlba had some inner bitchery to back up her constant cuntface. The other night while she was at some event in DC, a Fox News producer asked her some shit about Bill O'Reilly. MiserAlba smiled (!!!!!) and said he was "kind of an a-hole." When the producer asked what Bill had done to deserve that title, she said, "I don't know how he does it...maybe he was born that way." The producer then asked her for an example of Bill's a-holeness and she responded, "Um, no. Then that means I'm admitting I actually watched FOX."

MiserAlba almost received 5 gold stars from me until she couldn't name any examples. That would've been easy. All she had to do was shout, "WE'LL DO IT LIVE! FUCKIT! FUCKING THING SUCKS!"

And she also loses a few points for trying to get all Nancy Grace on a bitch during another event in DC. Control Room Eeeeelizabeth is not amused.

VIA UsWeekly

This I don't like. Why is MiserAlba making that happy clown face? I don't trust it. It's making me protect my neck with my hands. It's like a scene out of a horror movie. You know, when the killer maniacally laughs at their victims before shanking them in the froat. When MiserAlba smiles, the world shakes.

Here's more of MiserAlba, her serial killer grin and her daughter, The Honorable Marie Warren, at the park yesterday. I also threw in some pictures of her the other day in some purple 80s toddler pants from OshKosh B'Gosh. Fergie Ferg should look into getting some of those. They can easily hide a diaper or two.