Jessica Alba

MiserAlba is reportedly being considered to fill the thigh-high boots of Jane Fonda in the new remake of "Barbarella." They should change the name to "Groucharella." She kills hos with her frowns and tempter tantrums.

Robert Rodriguez is supposed to direct the remake and his fiancée, Rose McGowan, was supposed to star. Page Six reports the two have broken up and Barbarella might have been one of the reasons. The studio wouldn't greenlight the movie with Rose as its star, because the bitch is basically "a virgin who can't drive," which means she's a nobody. Studio executives told Robert, "We need a bigger star, a bigger name."

Rose and Robert started doing secret sexy times in 2006 on the set of "Grindhouse." Robert was married with five kids at the time. They became engaged late last year.

Wilted Rose! Fucking Robert Rodriguez was one of her big breaks and now she's back to square zero. She better start eating some Quenting Tarantino ass if she wants to get back into Hollyweird.

Now back to MiserAlba as Barbarella. I approve of this! Only because the movie was already going to be a major disaster and now with MiserAlba as its possible star, it's going to be a tragedy of epic proportions! "Showgirls" better move over, there's a new camp classic waiting in the wings!

Honor Marie Warren has barely escaped from MiserAlba's snatch and she's already being forced to pose for a magazine shoot. Every other celebwhore pimps out their babies right after they pop out, MiserAlba isn't any different. I blame Cash Warren. I also blame him for Honor's name. He doesn't want to be the only one in the family with an effed up name.

Before MiserAlba gave birth, she told The New York Daily News that she's not really talking to any magazines about baby pictures, “I haven’t really gotten any (offers) — not that I’m aware of. You have to understand, everything that is written is kind of bull."

MSNBC's The Scoop reports that she's lie-telling! She's apparently been in talks with UsWeekly, OK! and People. A source said, “She is part of the talks, I don’t know why she’d go out and say that."

MiserAlba's spokesbitch denies that they had talks with magazines before Honor was born, but several publications have expressed interest in the exclusive.

I'm not sure when MiserAlba is going to find the time for a photo shoot. She probably spends her days crying into her pillow person, attacking Cash with a hot razor and screaming at the nanny to "shut that baby up!"

MiserAlba's whores have confirmed the news that she popped out a little bundle of joy last night. A bundle of joy coming out of MiserAlba? Imagine that! As rumored, she has named her daughter Honor Marie Warren. She reportedly told friends that it's an "honor having Cash Warren's baby," so that's how she came up with the name. Honor probably barfed when MiserAlba told her the meaning of her name. And you know Cash wanted to name her "Jackpot."

I can already hear the high school boy's saying, "I wanna get HONOR!" Good job, MiserAlba!

According to US Magazine, MiserAlba has finally birthed her placenta laden infant. Previous rumors were that she named her Honor, but no name has been released and her rep whores have yet to comment.

She ought to be back to her pre-pregnancy size and weight by 9:00 a.m. tomorrow morning thanks to the magic wonders of Hollywood lipo, needles and wet/dry vacs. What ever stupid name she gives her little bundle of misery, her golden brown chichi's better despense low-fat chocolate milk to make up for it.

She squeezed her daughter out at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles this weekend. Her and Cash wed on May 19 and moved into a $4 million Beverly Hills home with their three dogs.

Congrats MiserAlba!

MiserAlba is smiling! Hell, we would all be smiling too if we were laying in the pool, pissing and farting as we pleased. Pregnant hos can piss and fart on themselves without judgment.

Speaking of pissing in the pool, when I was a little kid, my friend's pool had water jets in it. Pissing in the jets was one of the greatest things ever. Unfortunately, his dumb bitch of a mom found out that I was giving golden showers to the jets. She told me that they put this special liquid in the pool that would turn my piss bright red, so I shouldn't even think about doing it anymore. That shit scarred me for life!

To this day, I can't even piss in my own bath tub (don't judge) without thinking the water will turn red. Damn her! Okay, that pool story really happened last weekend.

Here's more of MiserAlba pissing in the pool.

MiserAlba got hitched to "only it for the" Cash Warren on Monday and she didn't tell her own brother. UsWeekly contacted Josh Alba yesterday to talk about MiserAlba's secret wedding. Josh didn't know what they were talking about! He said, "My sister!? I'm going to have to call her!"

When asked if Cash will make a good husband, Josh responded, "Well, he's my brother in law now!" I'll take that as a big, juicy NAW.

MisrAlba meant to call her brother, but she was too busy beating Cash on the head with her chonkla, because he didn't look her in the eyes during their vows. In his defense, Cash didn't look her in the eyes, because he was lying to her ass the whole time.

P.S. - Damn! MiserAlba has a hot brother. He also doesn't look like he has a chip on his shoulder like his sissy. I guess the grouchy gene skipped him over.

Damn Cash Warren! He got MiserAlba on one of her off days when she was actually in a good mood. Cash somehow got MiserAlba to marry his sorry ass yesterday. MiserAlba's spokesbitch confirms the wedding to People.

MiserAlba, 27, is currently expecting a baby girl with Cash, 31, this summer. The two met while filming "Fantastic Four." They broke up for a short time and it was rumored that he cheated on her. Shortly after they got back together, she got knocked up.

I can't wait till to see the wedding pictures! MiserAlba better have a frown on her face in at least one of the pictures! Cash will be smiling in every single shot, because he's just won the lottery.....TWICE!

MiserAlba's baby girl is popping out sometime this summer and she's already decided what kind of mother she's going to be. A miserable one! No, MiserAlba told FitPregnancy magazine, "I don't want to be my child's best friend; I want to be a mom. But I do want my child to come to me when they have problems and need to talk, so it's going to be about treading that line."

I WANT! I WANT! If only it was a perfect world, MiserAlba. She says all those things now. Wait until the thing pops out. She's going to treat baby the way most celebrities treat their babies:

Baby cries - Hand to nanny

Baby goes poopy in diaper - Hand to nanny

Baby needs a hug - Hand to nanny, unless cameras are around, in which case you must try to do it yourself with a smile.

I'm not sure if MiserAlba can handle the last one.

Big effin surprise! Papa Joe was one of the main reasons why Tony Romo dumped Jessica Simpson's ass. A friend of Tony's told The Chicago Sun-Times that Romo couldn't handle the media attention and also couldn't take Papa Joe.

Romo said that Papa couldn't keep his nose out of Jessica's ass. He even started to give Romo advice on his career. The friend said that Papa started "to offer unsolicited advice to Tony on his career, endorsement opportunities and things that have nothing to do with him dating Jessica.''

I'm sure Romo also couldn't take Papa accidentally brushing his thigh every now and again. Papa is probably one of those old dudes that answers the door in a shorty robe with his shriveled turtle hanging out. Romo couldn't handle that either.

The friend also said that Jessica's interview with Glamour magazine pissed him off. Jess called Romo "her future husband."

Don't worry Romo! There's also bleached blonde skanks in the sea. Is Tara Reid single?

MiserAlba dressed as Charlie Chaplin for June's Allure magazine. The hell? That's like Michael Vick dressing as Scooby Doo or Paris Hilton dressing as a condom. MiserAlba looks more like Skeletor than Chaplin.

People has a few quotes from the interview:

On Sex Before Marriage: "I never believed women had to be virgins when they got married, or that a woman has to fall in love with a guy just because they're having sex. I don't think sex is a big deal. I hated the hypocrisy of it. Men can do whatever, and it's acceptable."

Translation: She's a slut!

On Her Steamy Public Image: "[Hollywood] always play[s] up your sexuality, because that's what gets men into the theaters. And I never really gave a shit about all that stuff! It's nothing to be ashamed of. But it is definitely not what I am about by any means!"

Translation: She's a grouchy slut!

On Owning Her Sexuality: "I don't think I was comfortable with my sexuality until I was an adult, probably, like, 22 – that's when I stopped apologizing and stopped feeling ashamed. I did the Vagina Monologues in L.A. That made me proud."

Translation: She's a deep-thinking, grouchy slut!