Donald Trump

Meanwhile in New Jersey......

27 -year-old Ivanka Trump married fellow rich bitch Jared Kushner (owner of The New York Observer) yesterday at her daddy's golf club.

Unfortunately, Ivanka didn't wear a dress made from her daddy's bankruptcy documents and cartilage from her original nose. Instead she wore a Vera Wang gown inspired by Grace Kelly. People reports that among the 500-guests was Regis Philbin who sang for the new couple. I'm sure Regis was supposed to duet with Kathie Lee but she otherwise engaged (aka laying head first in the wine fountain).

Ivanka is also a new jew, because she converted in order to marry Jared who is Orthodox Jewish. Ivanka fast-tracked her conversion since it only took a few months instead of a year or two. And I guess this means that Donald Trump was forced to cover his "Where The Wild Things Are" mop with a yarmulke. That poor yarmulke won't ever be heard from again since I'm sure Donald Trump's comb-over of tragicness ate it whole.

Cyndi Lauper had the frowns in NYC the other day for two reasons: a) Captain Lou went off to heaven and b) Cyndi has to look at Donald Trump's hairy hemorrhoid head for the next few weeks. You see, Cyndi is part of the cast of Celebrity Apprentice which started shooting this week. And by the looks on some of their faces you can tell they wish they were being shot...literally.

The rest of the cast includes Sharon Osbourne, Bret Michaels, his My Little Bandanna Weave, Curtis Stone, Rod Blagojevich, Maria Kanellis (some WWE chick), Holly Robinson Peete, Darryl Strawberry, Bill Goldberg (some wrestler-type), Carol Leifer, and Summer Sanders (a gold medalist swimmer).

Hopefully, Tilda Swinton will find a way to break into the boardroom (Tip to Tilda: Disguise yourself as Ivanka's old nose) to wreak havoc.

Donald Trump's hair looks like Tilda Swinton's mop after being stranded in the dessert for days without water, moisturizer, hugs or a blow dryer. Just thought I'd point that out. And we're off!

Tilda Swinton is ready to peck Donald Trump's beady eyes out over an enormous golf resort that is about to terrorize Scotland. Tilda lives there, and she's not about to welcome Trump's multi-million dollar resort into her backyard. Tilda says NOOOO to golf courses, but YESSSSS to butt raping directors.

The Associated Press reports that Tilda has joined 15,000 other people in signing a petition asking for the resort not to be built. According to the petition, four residents on the property may be evicted to make way for Trump's golf course.

A spokeswhore for Donald Trump only said that Tilda is siding with the "extremists."

The Trump probably wanted to call Tilda a "fat slob" and a "disgusting pig," but he's saving that for when The Insider or Entertainment Tonight asks him to comment.

The Trump has no idea who he is fucking with, because Tilda's got the crazy fever in her eyes and I don't think she's afraid to unleash it. Tilda looks like she will shit on your porch if you cross her.

Carrie Prejean will be reporting to the back of the unemployment line tomorrow, because has been fired as Miss California. TMZ says that Donald Trump and the Miss California organization has had it with Miss Tits 4Jesus skipping out on scheduled appearances and not getting permission for non-pageant shit. Donald Trump also added that Carrie has been a total cunt to everyone in the organization except for him. The Donald said, "To me she was the sweetest thing. Everyone else -- she treated like shit."

TMZ also posted a couple of bitchy e-mails Carrie sent to pageant officials. In one e-mail Carrie wrote: "You do not cooperate with me, and you pick and chose [sic] the the [sic] things YOU want me to do. That is not happening anymore. Stop speaking for me. I have MY own voice." And in another e-mail, she really brought on the charm, "Also I was asked to fill in for a dj on a local radio show.. I'll be reading from a show biz script Monday. I am doing this."

Did Carrie go to the Courtney Love School of E-mail Writing?

Anyway, Carrie will be absolutely fine. She'll get a job at Fox News. She'll marry some billionaire. She'll only wear Talbots. And she'll spend her afternoons drinking martinis, snorting crushed up painkillers and slapping the help.

After a few years of marriage, her husband will get caught in a park restroom with some gay hustler. Then Carrie will write a weepy tell-all, star in the Lifetime TV version of her book and never be heard from again. Oh and somewhere in there she'll record a Christian disco album.

I hope I'm at least right about the very last part.

Last week, Donald Trump's wrinkly ass announced to the world that he was going to save Ed McMahon's pepaw kingdom by buying it and leasing it back to him. Ed was only days of away from losing his house. Well, as usual, Donald was talking out of his toupee. Somebody did buy Ed's house but it wasn't Donald. Ed's realtor told TMZ that Donald was outbid by a private buyer. Donald didn't even bother submitting another bid.

The private buyer placed the offer after Donald already got all the attention. The Donald issued this statement: "Blah...Blah...Blah...Rosie is a fat slob."

No, he said: "The other buyer has signed a purchase agreement....subject to many contingencies including but not limited to a mortgage contingency. Mr. Trump clearly would not need a mortgage and would be capable of closing this transaction immediately. If the other buyer should be successful in this bid, Mr. Trump truly hopes that they do the right thing by Ed McMahon and not have this 85-year-old American icon removed from the property."

According to The Associated Press, Ed will have to move out of the house, because the buyer plans to live there. Watch out Shady Pines! Here comes Ed!

Donald Trump should have kept his dehydrated worm lips shut until after the deal closed. But of course he wanted to bask in the glory of saving one of America's beloved pepaws! And Pepaw Ed needs to shred his wifey's credit cards and then send the bitch to Suze Orman.

The patron saint of self-promotion, Donald Trump, has saved the fucking day. Trump will buy Ed McMahon's pepaw kingdom, saving it from foreclosure. Trump will then lease it back to the pepaw, so that Ed and his wifey can continue to live there. Trump better clean off his trophy shelf, there's a Nobel Peace Prize coming his way.

Trump told The Los Angeles Times, ""When I was at the Wharton School of Business. I'd watch him every night. How could this happen? I don't know the man, but I grew up watching him on TV."

Pepaw Ed's house was listed at $4.6 million this past weekend. He's $640,000 behind on a $4.8 million loan. It's not known how much Saint Trump paid for the house.

Do you think Ed knows about Trump's plans to rename his house "Rosie O'Donnell is a Fat Slob Manor"?

Donald Trump has to give his stupid ass opinion on absolutely everything and the whole Raffey Follieri situation is no exception. Donald CHUMP told Access Hollywood (via MSNBC) that it was very "disloyal" of Anne Hathaway to leave Raffey just before his arrest. What Trump calls "disloyal," I call "smart."

Trump said, “She hasn’t remained very loyal to him, has she? So when he had plenty of money, she liked him, but then after that, not as good, right?”

I'm a little disappointed that Trump didn't end his comments by saying, "And she's a fat, degenerate, lazy slob!"

This is pretty rich coming from a dude who collects wives the way he collects dead pussy hair. If Trump lost his cash tomorrow, Melania and her hot squinty eyes would be out the fucking door without so much as a goodbye. Rule #1 in the Gold Digger's handbook is: Love the money, not the man!

Donald Trump manages to have bangs without having bangs. How is this possible? Get Ken Paves on the case!

It's pretty frightening to see Don's dark-sided comb over actually moving. This isn't good news for Rosie O'Donnell. She better lock her doors and go to bed with a can of Aqua Net by her side. The comb over is coming for her!

Don's comb over looks like a pre-k craft project. It's some paper mache shit. When a glob of his hair falls out, he makes Melania dip it in glue and slap it on his head. He really should get hair advice from Trump Dog.

Here's Donald and his weepy comb over in Scotland yesterday.

I finally brought them out the check. Trump grabbed it and actually spoke to me from the first time. "What’s the biggest tip you ever got?”

“Jerry Bruckheimer comes in a lot. He tipped me $500 on a $1000 check once.” Trump nodded his head. “You’re very good at your job.” “Thanks.”