The Kentucky Derby was today and I don't know who's supposed to win (or if somebody already won, I don't know who won) and I don't think the celebrities who went even know. They just go because they want to wear a dead bird on their head and get drunk on whatever liquor brand is sponsoring the event. Larry Birkhead and his Sun-In highlights show up year after year after year and this year he figured that if he's going to drag Dannielynn onto the red carpet he might as well let her wear a costume.
Larry and his daughter with Anna Nicole Smith served up some Penguin Dance realness at the Kentucky Derby today. It's kind of cute and it's kind of weird, but they looked better than 99.9% of the hos there. They should make this their thing. They should always wear matching or coordinating outfits. They can be the father/daughter version of Lucille and Buster Bluth.
That being said, Larry and Dannielynn weren't the best dressed of the Kentucky Derby. The best dressed title goes to the reigning Queens of the Kentucky Derby, the Barnstable Twins! Get into their wonk-eyed satin glamour:
The Barnstable Twins were the Doublemint Twins once and now they're actress/international beauties/socialite types who throw a charity gala during the Kentucky Derby every year. They're the only reason the Kentucky Derby exists. Who cares about those racing horses. Everybody shows up just to see these two gorgeous melting Barbies in person.
And here's pictures from various KD events of some hos who showed up just to see the beauty of the Barnstable Twins up close: Larry with Dannielynn Hope, Jennifer Tilly with Krysten Ritter, Star Jones, Miranda Lambert and Coco Rocha.
While some of us were lighting sparklers from our b-holes to celebrate The Silver Fox casually giving up his spot in the glass closet, that Aqualish-looking ass bitch Star Jones said on Today that she thinks he completely choreographed his coming out for maximum attention and to pull up the ratings of his talk show. On today's episode of Anderson, the Rhoda to Anderson's Mary, Andy Cohen, brought up his coming out, and the Silver Fox said that the only thing that tore a strip of silver leaf off of his fox hole was what Star said. Anderson stuffed some dried bitchiness into a tea bag, dropped that tea bag in a mug full of lukewarm tap water and then served it to Star Jones:
"I will say and I actually haven't mentioned this, the only thing that did kind of annoy me and actually it annoyed my mom who brought it up to me, Star Jones of all people, I know you mentioned it on your show. Star Jones of all people, I haven't thought about Star Jones in I don't know how long. I was unaware she was even on TV still but she apparently shows up on a morning show on Today or Good Morning America, The Today Show. Anyway, out of the blue Star Jones said after I sent this email Star Jones said this was a ratings ploy by me to boost ratings."
As Dirt Star Jones ran that burn under cold water, Anderson said that she's obviously letting her ass lips do the talking, because what she said was a pile of dingles and didn't even make sense.
"That's why it so annoyed me because of all the ways to boost ratings, like if I was wanting to boost ratings I would have waited to announce it on a very special episode, that would have been promo'd for weeks and weeks and there would have been commercials, 'Anderson's huge announcement,' and you would have a cut away of the audience but instead I was in Africa on assignment for 60 Minutes, I sent an email to a friend of mine who put it on a website. I gave no interviews about it, I never talked about it. I wasn't even on the air for days afterward and so suddenly Star Jones, who as memory serves, in terms of boosting ratings, I seem to recall her hocking her wedding every single day to get free products when she was on The View and I seem to recall her lying about her gastric bypass surgery and making everybody else lie about it as well. So for her to suddenly emerge out of the shadows and suddenly attack me for this, I couldn't believe it.
And my mom was like, 'Who is Star Jones?' Anyway, so I can't even believe I am bringing this up because I don't even want to give Star Jones the attention. I never planned on talking about this but we invited Star Jones to come on this show and she turned us down."
Star Jones is a scared bitch and that's why she can't face the Silver Fox. But you know, it sounds like Anderson still has some shit to say to her, so I'll be happy to slip on an E.T. costume, throw a black wig on my head and let him slap me, whip me and shade me like I'm Star Jones.
Star's dumb ass is probably already getting punished for this anyway. I can only imagine the cuntified text messages that Gay Al Reynolds is sending her. Now that Star has pissed off the Silver Fox off, there's no way Gay Al will ever get an invitation to Anderson's Sunday afternoon tea party. Gay Al's gay social life is OVAH!
Donald Trump and the producers of Celebrity Apprentice are wrong for making us sit through all 666 hours of last night's finale without delivering at least one quote of wisdom from the bump on my log (that didn't sound right) Dionne Atwarwithallthosehussieswick! As pretty much expected, Jabba the Trump (SPOILER ALERT) fired Marlee Matlin and burped out that John Rich was the winner of Celebrity Apprentice. How do you say "fuck this shit" in sign language? You know who would know? Dionne Warwick! But she was M.I.H.H.A. (missing in hussy hating action)!
Donald Trump never explained why the true star of the show wasn't at the finale. Nobody brought it up! They didn't even cut to a live stream of crusty old Dionne huffing at the lukewarm madness from the comfort of her stained La-Z-Boy in her TV room. There was no mention of the grouchy bat who gave that show life! That's like going to a Catholic mass where the priest never brings up Jesus' name!
When Trump asked everyone who should win, I really needed to see Grandma Dionne lower her shades and throw a coward-killing cut eye while saying, "None of these trollops! Now where's that hot supper I was promised?" When Star Jones accused NeNe Leakes of attacking all the black females on the show, I really needed Dionne to pull a switch out of her extra-large cardigan pocket and spook the silence into both of those hyena heffahs. When Marlee, John Rich and a chorus of signing children performed a cheese-jerker of a song, I really needed Dionne to slap one of those kids on the head after thinking they were flipping her off.
Beautiful bitchy moments. That's what Dionne is for...and sadly she wasn't there to provide any.
On March 25th, Gay Al Reynolds got comfortable in his favorite white rattan king chair and sipped on his sweet tea while enjoying his favorite show The Wendy Williams Show. Everything quickly went sour. Al spit out his sweet tea (and you know shit is serious when Al spits) when his ex-wife Star Jones came on the screen and threw some shade at their marriage. Al grabbed his ivory princess phone, immediately called his seamstress and let her know that she can start making the rhinestone onesie (with the cut out nipples holes and drop pocket ass) they talked about since he's about to come into some real money. And then Al put down the phone, took a dramatic queen breath, picked it up again and called his lawyers to let them know that Star broke their contact and she must pay!
When they got divorced, both Star and Al signed off on a clause stating that they can't talk shit about each other to the media. If they do, they'll have to pay the offending party a $50,000. Well, Al is now the offending party.
So what did Star say that pissed Al off? When Wendy asked Star about her marriage to Al, she responded with: "The wedding was fabulous, but the marriage was kind of a booty." The thought of "booty" did tantalize Al's nether regions for a quick second, but the tingle didn't last long.
Al's publicist tells E! News that Star ignored a letter his lawyer sent her, so they are taking the matter to the courts! Al's rep went on to say, "The unnecessary and disparaging statements made over the years regarding their marriage to mutual friends, in TV and print interviews and tweets must stop. And if Al filing paperwork utilizing the very clause that Star wanted in the divorce decree is used to stop her from the constant blasphemy of Al and their marriage vows, then so be it."
Star Jones is nothing but a swole pig with the decency of dirty trough water! How dare she make a perfectly inoffensive remark that is neither slanderous nor defamatory! HOW DARE SHE! She must pay for this in the form of one rhinestone onesie or a $50,000 check made to Al's seamstress.
And here's Antoine Dodson and his chocolate pancake nipples performing the same dance of sorrow Gay Al performed after Star betrayed him so!
On this past episode of Celebrity Apprentice, Star Jones and NeNe Leakes' hate for each other started slow simmering at a low temperature, but apparently it's going to boil over in the next few weeks and won't ever recover. While promoting the show, NeNe said that if Star was on fire, she wouldn't even throw one spit ball her way. Ironically, NeNe is now hanging around with a flame who used to engulf Star back in the day. Popeater says that the black Tori Spelling is mad at her ex-husband for getting friendly with her arch rival NeNe Leakes. Get ready to ring the bell, because there's about to be a three bitch brawl.
A source had this to say: "Star thinks it's pathetic that these two has-beens have teamed up together. NeNe knows how much pain and hurt that man caused Star. For NeNe to suddenly befriend him tells you exactly what sort of woman she really is. Al will do anything to get back into the press, including hanging out with reality stars. But to be getting close and personal with a woman who has publicly stated she wouldn't spit on your ex-wife if she was on fire is just desperate."
Star needs to beam up to her home planet and search the craters for a giant ball of GET THE FUCK OVER IT. Who cares if Gay Al and NeNe are twirling around the town together. Maybe Al will seat NeNe down in front of a MAC counter and teach her how to blend so she won't have the face of a rabid raccoon anymore. Only good can come of this.
If Star still can't get over it, Grandma Dionne will set that hussy straight with some real talk and a switch to the ass. "Can I come too?!!!" - Gay Al
The cast of The Whore Pit Viper Extravaganza (official name: Celebrity Apprentice) hasn't been officially announced yet, but Donald Trump's gang of wrecks met in Las Vegas last weekend for a launch party before shooting starts in NYC, so names have leaked and it's a mess. I knew Detective La Toya was doing it, but I didn't know about Gary Busey. It almost reads like the patient list on a sign-in sheet at a crazy house. Here's the supposed cast list courtesy of Zap2It:
Detective La Toya Jackson: Beauty icon, Bubbles' confidante and protegee of Sherlock Holmes.
Mark McGrath: The evil and Sun-In-ed minion responsible for that annoying "Fly" song.
Dionne Warwick: Singer, actress, my messenger and alleged friend of the good shit.
Jose Canseco: Former baseball player, former roid aficionado and former Madge victim.
Lil Jon: Rapper and dentist's nightmare (or dream, depending on the dentist).
Star Jones: A LAWYER and Gay Al Reynolds' ex purse holder.
Gary Busey: Crazy's best customer, of course, of course.
Marlee Matlin: Oscar winning actress!!
David Cassidy: The ghost of Justin Bieber's future.
Niki Taylor: Supermodel and co-host of that Make Me A Supermodel tragedy
Meat Loaf: Like you need to ask....
Nene Leakes: One of the Real Foreclosed Housewives of Atlanta.
Lisa Rinna: Actress, reality star, store owner, and lip abuser.
Richard Hatch: First winner of Survivor, tax cheater and the winner of Mr. Sweet Prison Nalgas '08.
Hope Dworaczyk: Some trick.
John Rich: One half of the country duo Big & Rich.
Star Jones is going to wish she still had some chunk when NeNe tries to stomp on her in the boardroom. Lil Jon is going to wish he was bald when Gary Busey refuses to stop nibbling on his dreads. And EVERYONE is going to wish they didn't sign up for this mess when Detective La Toya reveals all of their secrets in front of a roaring fireplace.
When this shit is over Trump Tower will be nothing but dust and all that will be left will be Donald Trump's hair and one of Gary Busey's Chiclets. I can't wait.
A few years ago, Rosie O called Starlet Jones "delusional" because of that whole "dieting and Pilates" lie. Star's constipated trout face finally admitted she had her stomach cinched and sealed. Well, it looks like it's all fat water under the band now, because Rosie and Gay Al's former enema bottle holder have teamed up in the name of charity.
UsWeekly says both Rosie and Star will have lunch with the highest bidder. All cash monies from the auction will go towards the Figure Skating in Harlem charity.
Yes, lunch. How in Barbara Walters lisp Hell are you supposed to eat food things with a Star on one side and a Rosie on the other. Do you also win an hour with a gastroenterologist, because your stomach will be on the wrong side of fucked up after that lunch. On second thought, Rosie O wouldn't be so bad. I'd ask her to tell me stories about Babwa pee peeing on herself during meetings while I nibbled on my salad croutons. Then we'd crank call Hasselcrack and pretend to be Dubya. She would totally have phone fucky times with us. Okay, that would good.
But Star?! How are you supposed to swallow successfully when you've got that face looking back at you?! And you know she'll stare at your food with those hongray eyes that make you want to call a priest or 911 or something. I'd rather eat my meal off of a truck stop urinal cake than dine with that bitch. Although, I would like to ask her if the rumor about Gay Al taking three wangs in his glazed donut hole at one time is true. If it is, I need the blueprint on that shit.
Gay Al is going to burst a cum bubble when he sees these pictures of Star stretching out yet another one of his favorite freakum suits in St. Barts earlier this month. You can even tell by the look on Star's face that she knows Gay Al's manpussy is going to pucker like crazy over this shit. Star's not even wearing it right! She's wearing the top backwards. Gay Al loves the way that top accentuates his sumptuous décolletage.
You know, I don't mind Star's fat band scars. They kind of look like meth pipe burns and I like that feature on a woman. Methinks 2009 is going to be about looking like a day shift truck stop hooker, so meth pipe burns are a must to complete the look. Star is already ahead of the game.
However, I really didn't need to get intimate with Star's world class fupa. There's enough fupa there to keep a large village warm at night. Warm and musty. No wonder Gay Al screamed "Oh my heavens!" every time Star tried to seduce him by wearing a sexy panty set from Torrid.
Gay Al is going to piss through his no-no when he see this shit! Item #42 on his cum bucket list is to have lunch with Ivana Trump just so she can raise her champagne glass and toast to her "dahling Gay Al." And look who had lunch with Ivana in NYC. Star's wearing Gay Al's dick hunting boots too! Damn, she's cold hearted.
A little birdie should tell Star and Ivana that Alaska is filled with hot eligible hunks who worship fur-wearing memaws. The hunks can be found hanging out behind Governor Sarah Palin's house. The quickest way to attract the hunks is for Star and Ivana to put on their fur coats and gallop around while howling like moose. The Alaskan hunks love that shit!
Star Jones' new dude is totally throwing off my gaydar. I keep hitting the side of that shit, but it's still not giving me an exact reading. I can totally picture her new dude's manpussy puckering at the sight of a 12-incher. On the other hand, he totally looks like he mainly wears pleated Dockers and says the phrase "okie dokie" at least a dozen times a day. That makes me think he's totally straight. But then again, he is kissing Star Jones. She attracts more closeted homos than the Republican Convention.
Here's Star and her new man making children cry by touching lips at the US Open yesterday. Star should tear herself away from him for a quick minute and go tend to that sad pussy sitting on her head. It needs major loving....and a flea bath.