Renee Zellweger

Squinty Zellweger won't be going on the KFed diet to gain the chunk for Bridget Jones 3, because she doesn't want to put her body through all kinds of hell. And because eating gives her hives.

Instead, Squinty will pull a "Fishsticks Paltrow in Shallow Hal" by slipping on a fatty fat fat suit in size: Kirstie Alley. A source told Reveal Magazine (via SFGate), "Renee will be wearing a fat suit in the third film as it took her a while to lose the weight last time. She's also thinking about the effect quickly putting on and then losing 30 pounds has on her body."

And here I thought Squinty was a true Thespian who eats for her art. Squinty is WEAK. Somebody remove the Oscar from her clenched b-hole, because she does not deserve it!

Can I get a RECAST?! The producers of BJ3 obviously need someone who is will to do whatever it takes (aka EAT like food is going extinct) to accurately portray the character. May I present to my choice to replace Squinty. Here's the newest breakout star who will take Hollywood (and every buffet from here to Bosnia) by STORM: SOCRATES!!!!!!!!!!

Socrates is the 22lb sensation from the UK who has been chosen as one of the finalists for the PSDA's Pet Fit Club. Socrates will try to lose 13lbs in just 100 days. But before Socrates picks up the Dexatrim, he has a movie to make!

Seriously, can't you just see Socrates flirting with Hugh Grant? It's destiny. AND Socrates is British unlike Squinty. If Socrates isn't Bridget Jones, I don't know who is!

Will someone please fetch Anna Wintour a glass of room temperature virgin's blood, because I think she's got a few of her intern's souls stuck in her throat. It's making her throat look obese. Heads will roll for this!

Here's the cryptkeeper of Vogue wearing something that Mrs. Roper queefed up at the premiere of The September Issue in NYC last night. That shit is a documentary about the making of Vogue's mighty September issue. Sienna Miller was there, because her vagina sensed large amounts of married dick in the area. And because she's on the cover of Vogue next month.

Other hos at the premiere were Cassie (who was working a half "The Legend of Billie Jean" buzzcut), Marc Jacobs, his piece, Zac Posen, everyone's favorite lemon-faced beard, Melania Trump, her big sack of money and Diddy.

For the past few weeks, Bradley Cooper has been linked to Squinty, Denise Richards and Jennifer Aniston. Well, in the battle of the beards, it looks like Squinty has won out for now! The two pretended to be all slick-like when they got on a flight from JFK to Barcelona the other day. The paps say Squinty and Bradley went through security separately, but ended up getting on the same plane together.

The voices in my inbox tell me that Bradley gets thirsty for the peen every now and again, but I've never seen photographic proof. If you have it, send it my way, because I'm running low in the porn department. But if the rumors are true, then he picked a perfectly capable beard. And if they aren't true, well then what the hell is doing with Squinty?! I'm joking. Dating Squinty has its advantages. She's probably fun at parties and I'm sure she always has the best of the bad shit.

Squinty Zellweger almost got hit by a bus at LAX yesterday, because she was too busy enjoying the sweet sensation of her coat's lining giving her nipples a gentle rubdown. Seriously, how did Squinty get up that morning and put on a jacket without a top on! Did the spirit of a crackie hobo flasher jump into her body? That would explain the hair too.

Actually, Squinty is just giving us a flash of her sexy toothpick physique before she has to get Bridget-Jones-a-fied again.

People reports that Squinty Zellweger will star in a third Bridget Jones movie. This means that Squinty can actually start eating real food (instead of ice chips and tangerine seeds) again, because bitch will have to pack on the chunk.

Since BABIES!!! are in now, the third movie will focus on Bridget trying to knocked up before her ovaries dry up. Expect a scene where Hugh Grant and Colin Firth have a slap fight in Bridget's amniotic fluid puddle.

Shooting will begin later this year, so that gives Squinty some time to devour everything on This Is What You're Fat. Actually, she could probably gain 20 pounds just by staring at the pictures for a long time.

If Squinty can't gain the weight in time, the producers should fast forward the third movie 20 years. That why they can just plop a blonde wig on Kirstie Alley and squirt lemon juice in her eyes. There's Bridget Jones! Seriously, this is the role Kirstie Alley has been eating for her entire life!

Last night in NYC, Bradley Cooper and Squinty Lemonface ate food together (Well, Squinty probably just stared at the food) at a restaurant called Antonucci. The two star in a movie together, but OK! Magazine says they weren't just acting like co-workers. Some nosy bitch who was watching their every move from behind a potted plant (Translation: Aniston) said, "He pulled her chair out for her when she sat down and he kissed her on the hand. If they're just friends, they were being awfully affectionate! At one point, he seemed to want to whisper something to her as if it were a secret. He spoke into her ear and then they both started giggling."

B.Coop probably told Squinty not to look over, because Jennifer Aniston was hiding under the table next to them gritting her teeth and snarling. He warned Squinty that if they made even the slight move, Jenny would throw her ovaries at them or attack his crotch with a baster.

Noooo! B.Coop recently said that he was just friends with Jenny and that they never got romantical. So he's free to romance Squinty without feeling the wrath of The Aniston!

But B.Coop really doesn't need to be spending his time having dinner with bowls of lukewarm oatmeal. He needs to spend his time soaking in a hot bath filled with Ajax. Dude is looking greasy-ish to the max. Is the new thing in Hollywood to have hair like Tommy Girl's lube-drenched taint bush?

And Squinty is so *dramatic* when it comes to hailing a cab. This isn't a Hitchcock movie or a Chico's commercial, bitch!

It's been a long ass time since I've seen Squinty Zellweger's signature squint out in full force like this. It makes my eyeballs twitch and my mouth crave salty lemons. Nobody squints the way she can! Liza Garza tries, but her squint can't hold a candle to Squinty's squint. Squint!

Squinty was at the Toronto International Film Festival today promoting some movie called "Appaloosa" with a bunch of pepaws. Squinty was asked what it was like filming in New Mexico and she responded, "The tacos are great!" This made Ed Harris and Viggo Mortensen laugh for some reason. That's an inside joke, right? Squinty totally went lesbionic in New Mexico.

Here's more of Squinty with Ed, Viggo and Jeremy Irons. Damn. I guess it's true. People do get old.

First of all, what in Squinty Zellweger's name happened to Kenny Chesney? Bitch is looking like a chewed up piece of bacon fat. He's like a 10-year-old boy with a pepaw face. Anyway, Kenny has shot down rumors that he's engaged.

Kenny's spokesbitch told People, "Kenny Chesney is not getting married. He's not engaged. He's not planning on being engaged any time in the near future. In fact, he was surprised by the news and isn't sure how or why anyone would've gotten that idea." Well, gay marriage just became legal in California. Maybe that's where people go the idea?

Kenny recently said, "I enjoy being a bachelor. I enjoy everything that comes along with it.'"

Yeah, like a getting a warm blast of man chowder to the face without the guilt!

Next time you see Squinty, make sure you curse her out and call her a name. She lives for it! It makes her feel like one of the "little people."

Squinty said, "I know that sounds so crazy, but I really cherish it when someone is mean, because they're just having a bad day and they don't recognize that you know Tom Cruise, and so they don't alter their behavior in any way. I love it. I love it when the stewardess is just nasty. I just cringe when she (the stewardess) comes back and apologizes because she didn't realize."

Um...the reason why they are being rude to her is because of Tom Cruise.

I'm with Squinty. I like it when people are rude to me. When a dumb skank gets bitchy with me, my face lights up. It's an open invitation for me to bitch them the hell out and dump all my frustrations on them. They asked for it! The black clouds suddenly part and the sun starts shining. It's the perfect therapy.

Source: SF Chronicle

George Clooney does not google his own name, because he lives in fear of what angry anonymous people have to say about him. Oh, I'd say it to his face. After we made out, of course.

Georgie said, "A few years ago, I went to check out this website that someone had talked about. There's like, a thousand people sitting in dark rooms trashing you. Brutal! You're like, 'Wow, dude'. You see way too many angry people on the internet. I remember getting off the machine and thinking, 'Never, ever again'. I'd rather live in my own happy, quiet world where I think that everyone is nice."

I'M NOT FUCKING ANGRY ASSHOLE! NOW DIE!!! And I'm not in a dark room by choice! They don't allow open windows in the institution for some reason. Don't ask me why? Oooh...it's meds time!

Here's some pics of gorgeous George (see, we can be nice) and Squinty at the Leatherheads premiere in London tonight.