That "DING DING DING" sound is a blind item finding its answer. UsWeekly, TMZ and everybody else is saying that Bat Boy is no longer hanging upside down over Xtina's bed at night. Xtina and Bat Boy's marriage is now lying in the morgue right next to the marriages of Ben Harper & Laura Dern and Courtney Cox & David Arquette. The Fall of Divorces is the new Summer of DEATH!
A source tells UsWeekly that Christina Aguilera and Jordan Bratman quit each other months ago, “They were very much in love. But over the last six months, it became clear they were more like friends than husband and wife.”
Xtina and Bat Boy married 5 years ago and they have a 2-year-old son named Max together.
Well, on a positive note, at least Bat Boy doesn't have to spend hours scrubbing oil-based red lip paint off of his peen every day.
UPDATE: Xtina says it's so to People: "Although Jordan and I are separated, our commitment to our son Max remains as strong as ever."
I can forgive the poly-blend platinum disaster on Xtina's head that makes her look like she's about to check into the halfway house for Hugh Hefner's cast-off whores. I can also look past the fact that the color of her skin has even got Snooki saying, "Calm down on the naranja, bitch." And I don't even mind that her air kisses are probably made of castor oil and sponsored by MAC. But the one thing that I cannot ignore is THOSE EYEBROWS! Eyebrows ashy and sad for no reason!
Hook those brows up to an IV filled with Skin So Soft, and tell them it's going to be okay. Those are some orphan child brows. Xtina's brows are saying to me, "Please sir, I want some more." More moisture that is, because they are looking parched! It's like those thirsty brows have been crawling through the desert and licking on anything for moisture (examples: scorpion piss, camel sweat...)
How are you going to spend hours slathering your skin with orange shit until you look like the clit on an oven roasted chicken, but not spend any time with your brows? Those poor things are praying to the gods above that Xtina's tarantula lashes swallow them up whole. "Put us out of our misery" brows. How dreadful.
But luckily for Xtina, not many people at the LACMA event last night noticed her dire straits brows. Everybody made themselves a plate, covered it in foil and went home as soon as they saw this vision hit the red carpet:
When Joan Collins shows up, you immediately go home to cry yourself to sleep over the fact that you will never be as glamorous as she is. So as soon as Xtina's brows get out of ICU, she should send Joan a thank you letter.
Here's some others who weeped at their own homeliness after laying eyes on Joan: Nicole Richie, Kim Kardassian with her pimp, Jaclyn Smith and James Franco.
Dear Showgirls, Glitter, Beyond the Valley of the Dolls and Coyote Ugly, spray a little Jean Nate on your wet parts, because you've got company. Hopefully.
There might be a new piece of sequins-covered caca to enjoy on Starz at 3am when the only thing you need to keep down the drunk barfs is a big bowl of shit acting with a cup of body glitter. This is the new trailer for Burlesque, the movie where Xtina plays a small town girl in a gutter ass wig who moves to Hollywood to pursue her dream of becoming a superstar singer. Xtina's character gets a job as a janitor or some shit at a burlesque club owned by Julie Masking (played by Cher's wax figure on loan from Madame Tussauds).
We all know how it's going to end. Xtina's going to realize that her soul can't handle Hollywood because it's a town that "swallows you up and spits you out." So Xtina, Cher and Alan Cumming will all pile into a blue convertible and travel cross country to compete in a drag show in NYC.
And not only can I not wait to see if Burlesque is bad enough to join the legendary works of art I listed above, but I also can't wait to see the inevitable stage version performed by a bunch of drag queens Off-Off-Off-Off-Broadway.
The Crystal Enchantress of the Ice has really nothing to do with music or movies, but the producers of the MTV Movie Awards (or the alternatively titled The Jacking Twilight Off Awards) lured him to their party by promising him a lubed-up foot massager named Daddy on his seat because they knew every single rhinestone on every single low-budget celebwhore would not shine unless he was there. True fact: If you see a rhinestone glimmering, it isn't because the light is hitting it. It's because it's winking at Johnny Weir.
But seriously, Johnny was probably rolling his eyes in the audience, because his no-no can do that naturally without help from a battery pack or light bulbs. Xtina should leave the pussy blinking to the pros.
Here's a few pictures of the other bitches at last night's show. They are: Shaun White and his fur nips, Xtina, Russell Brand, Vanessa Hudgens and Cover Girl Zac Efron, ScarJo, Katy Perry, Snooki, The Guido Don Knotts, Kristen Stewart and RPattz.
Xtina probably looked in the mirror today and saw Marilyn Monroe staring back at her. Some like it NO. That peroxide mop conjures up images of an Upper East Side widow whose dusty old wig is always crooked. You know that old ho. Her teeth have a permanent red lipstick skidmark on them, she's always wearing saggy pantyhose and she never picks up after her raggedy dog when it shits on the sidewalk. Ole' girl smells like Tosca powder, castor oil, ground up pills and cooking wine.
You know, since I put it THAT way maybe this really is the look. Carry on, Xtina.
In other non-news, here's Xtina performing the ho shit anthem of the summer on Oprah today. You might want to back your ears up, because girl is hollering like a hyena getting its asshole bleached with boric acid.
And more pictures of Xtina in NYC today. From the neck up she's a rich widow who doesn't give a fuck. From the neck down she looks like every Madonna era simultaneously heaved all over her. Actually, she looks like that from head to toe.
If Vadge's "Express Yourself" video and a remake of her "Human Nature" video done by round-the-way trannies borrowed Lady Caca's prosthetic penis to fuck each other in the Showgirls costume closet, it would look just like Xtina's "Not Myself Tonight" video. Watch as Xtina thumps, bumps and sluts her way to the middle!
It's a good thing MTV doesn't play music videos anymore, because if they did they could never show this. On the other hand, Spice Xcess TV will be playing this video on a loop. So will Vanilla Gorilla. Although, he's going to watch it while blasting "Heil Hitler Marschlied."
Since Xtina is parading around like a foolish skank ho who will hump on anything but dignity....I LOVE THIS! When all else fails, do ho shit in a church. This is Pope Eggs Benedict approved!
During an interview for her new album Bionic, Xtina (who is looking a little like a blonde Ann Magnuson in Glitter) flipped the bitch switch on when some dude let out a cough in the room. A quick second later, she sent him to the firing squad. Yeah, I know she was joking (sort of, kind of, not really), but she should still blame her self!
Whenever Xtina moves just a bit, thousands of bronzing powder and crusted mascara particles fly off her face and dance through the air before diving into the throat of an unsuspecting innocent person. A frog made out of foundation and bronzer jumped down that dude's throat.
Besides, Xtina shouldn't worry about catching the sicks. Bitch's face is protected by several layers of toxic chemicals, so any germ that gets near her will be eaten alive before it finds its way into her system. I saw this on the Discovery Channel.
Your cousins (and for some of you, your abuelitas) have a new favorite song to twerk their chochas to at the family barbecue. Or if your cousins are like my cousins, they will blast this mess from their '87 Toyota Tercel while dropping their snatch to the ground in the parking lot of a Del Taco. Blame Xtina for hollering about doing ho shit in her new song.
Xtina hasn't released any actual music from her new album, but she keeps burping out the art (for lack of a better word) for it. I'll take it. We've already seen her "Ode to Erotica Vadge" cover for her single "Not Myself Tonight," and now here's the cover for the actual album "Bionic."
I think Xtina came up with the idea for this shit while watching Evita on mute with The Rocky Horror Picture Show soundtrack blaring from her son's Inspector Gadget boombox. It all clicked in her head as soon as she sniffed on a tube of red lipstick (her drug of choice).
Here is the cover art for Xtina's soon-to-be-released single "Not Myself Tonight." No, she's definitely not herself tonight, because she's early 90s Madonna!
Xtina better not go balls deep with her early 90s Vadge impersonation by posing (NSFW) topless on a spread-eagled dog! Not today.