Christina Aguilera

Now we can all forget about that dreadful mug shot of Xtina looking like a waterlogged and constipated Linda Hogan after getting pulled out of her front yard fountain where she passed out in from drinking too many mud slides. Xtina had her beauty back last night and she it shine brightly as she left SmashBox studios in Culver City, CA last night. Paint makers can exhale a sigh of relief, because Xtina's face is once again resembling a smeared painter's palette. Xtina is so happy that she could fart. No, I think that's really what she's doing in that picture above.

In other red lipstick so thick you need Kevin Costner's oil cleaning machine to get it off news, Xtina's make-up artist Kristofer Buckle gave his make-up tips to StyleList and pretty much confirmed that she can paint a car with her lips.

"Red is so tricky because it can be messy and it can bleed. I use a product called LipSense and the color I have used on Christina (Aguilera) is called Blu-Red. It's literally like car paint. It's liquid so you apply it with a wand and it goes on like paint and it doesn't have any drag to it, so it creates this perfectly gorgeous doll mouth. It dries completely with no moisture to it and then you apply a topcoat with just moisture. It doesn't move."

Car paint on her lips, bed liner paint on her eyes and a voice that sounds like an engine on a winter morning... Where the hell is Xtina's cover of Car and Driver?

Fresh off of her night in the drunk tank, Xtina has announced to Entertainment Weekly that she will be a judge on Mark Burnett's American Idol wannabe for NBC called THE VOICE, which premieres April 26th. Mark Burnett says that even though The Voice might seem like the unplanned baby American Idol gave birth to in a toilet, it's totally different. The Voice, based on a Dutch reality show called The Voice of Holland, will pair contestants with famous singers who will coach and mentor them. Xtina, along with Cee Lo Green and Adam Levine, will be one of those coaches/judges.

It's called The Voice, because during auditions the coaches will have their backs turned to the singers and give a "yes" or "no" based on their singing ability only. The "yes" button means that the coach wants to take the singer on as a student. If more than one coach chooses the same ho, then it's up to the singer to decide who they want to be mentored by. Once each coach has formed their team, they will train them to complete against the other students. Each week, the teams will be given the same song to perform. The voting audience at home will decide who gets the axe.

So if you sing like a nightingale, but have a face like a parrot's anus this is the show for you!

Here's what Xtina had to say about possibly becoming the new Paula Abdul.

“I am so excited to be part of such a wonderful project that celebrates music and the talent behind it. To be given the opportunity to help shape new artists’ careers and mentor them to see their dreams come to fruition is a task I welcome with open arms.mI am so happy to be working with fellow Grammy Award winners Adam and Cee Lo as I feel there is so much we can all bring to The Voice.”

This is good for Hatchet-tina Face! Who needs rehab when you've got reality TV. You get to sit on your ass and drink wine soda from a giant cup while pretending to be interested in some young hos yodeling. Screw touring the world, Xtina now has it made.

The LAPD didn't release Xtina's mug shot because they didn't charge her with anything, but those sneaky hos at E! News captured her beauty portrait on an officer's report and what a sad, sad mess it is. Poor trashed ho looks like an albino Snooki that was just fished out of the jacuzzi after almost drowning from trying to give head underwater. It's like a morning shift hooker's mug shot after getting caught in a raid. But I'm going to put all the blame on the evil officers for this one.

How can they click their camera without letting Xtina decorate her face like a clown's ass?! They could've let the bitch put her beauty on with a red Sharpie, crumbled pieces of a Butterfinger from the vending machine and generic petroleum jelly. Look at Snookitinas' nose. It's getting all swole up, because its pores hasn't eaten lead-laced bronzer in the past 3 hours. ABUSE!

Anyway, below is Xtina's boyfriend Matthew Rutler throwing a smirk and then leaving the station after getting charged with DUI. That is definitely a smirk that says: "My sugar bitch is going to pay my bail so whatever."

For those of you who have been hoping for a busted down jail beauty shot of Xtina looking like a drunk Hatchet Face with a mug full of runny mascara stains and gutter water, you just got your wish. Almost. TMZ reports that Xtina and her gold digging boyfriend Matthew Runtler were both arrested in West Hollywood this morning. Matthew was brought in for DUI and Xtina found herself in handcuffs for public intoxication. The details from the celebwhore police blotter:

Aguilera was arrested at 2:45 AM and booked at the West Hollywood Sheriff's substation on a misdemeanor charge. On the booking report, Aguilera was listed at 5'2" and 100 pounds.

Aguilera's 25-year-old boyfriend Matthew Rutler was also arrested last night at the same time for a misdemeanor offense. According to the L.A. County Sheriff's Department, Rutler's bail was set at $30,000.

Law enforcement sources tell us Aguilera appeared to be "extremely intoxicated" and was "unable to take care of herself." However, the source adds, "If the driver had NOT been arrested for DUI, [Christina] would have never been in trouble."

Sources close to Xtina tell us they have been trying to get the singer into a rehab program for weeks.

100lbs?! 100lbs of red lip paint maybe! But really, public intoxication?! What kind of backwards world are we living in when a mouthy drunk ho can't be a full-on mouthy drunk ho in public?! There are so many other things they could've charged her with. Like felony robbery for thieving Snooki's look and act. They could've also charged her with eyebrow endangerment for not feeding those sickly, dusty and thirsty brows. But public intoxication?! I blame Lady Gaga.

UPDATE: Xtina was released this morning after officers decided that she was sober enough to take care of herself. The LAPD isn't going to press charges against her. Xtina's leased piece is still in custody.

And I love how Martina McBride isn't even trying to move her head to help a fallen Xtina since it took a million prayers from Texas, 6 cans of pink AquaNet, a high-powered fan and a re-worked Bumpit to get her hair looking Designing Women fresh. But yeah, after Xtina's tonsils touched the spotlights above from hollerin' out a roller coaster of musical notes during the tribute to magnificent chichis, she stumbled a bit and her sourdough cheeks nearly ate floor. This comes after Xtina gave THE RAMPARTS shade at the Super Bowl last week.

IT HAPPENS. It happens when you enjoy everything an open bar has to offer and might be hallucinating from inhaling the toxic lead paint fumes wafting off your eyelashes. And it also happens when each one of your titties tries to head for opposite sides of the stage because they can't take the ringing sound in their nipple holes anymore. Clip below:

Everybody in the pit below probably felt like Indiana Jones when the boulder came rolling at his ass. Crisis averted. The real truth is, Xtina stumbled because Aretha Franklin let out a windy "PFFT" after the performance. Chichi voodoo is a real kind of magic!

Xtina isn't explaining why she left a ringing in your ears from screeching like a cat getting circumcised in a tub of ice water, but she did issue a statement of words explaining why she twisted a line in The National Anthem. Xtina sang "what so proudly we watched" instead of "o'er the ramparts we watched." So the ramparts didn't get watched last night. SO FUCKING WHAT! The ramparts are attention whores anyway! No, I don't know what a rampart is. Is that a fancy word for ram vagina?

But apparently some hos did care that Xtina puts the sads on the ramparts and so she had this to say:

"I got so caught up in the moment of the song that I lost my place. I can only hope that everyone could feel my love for this country and that the true spirit of its anthem still came through."

Okay, okay, so Xtina was simply wrapped up in the gleaming hypnotic eyes of the bald eagle. The bald eagle's eyes were modeled after Anderson Cooper's eyes, so I know what she's talking about. There's no reason to talk about this until the twilight's last creaming (or whatever). But we should talk about how last night was probably the first time in history where the singer and her audience made the exact same facial expressions, but for totally different reasons.

So, Snookitina twisted and screwed the lyrics to the Star Spangled Banner in front of millions upon millions of people at the Super (Smoke A) Bowl tonight, but that's not what's got my ears crying like a bald eagle. Xtina screeched like a macaw pushing out a dry ostrich egg while riding high speed on a bumpy carousel. You can't tell from this clip, but the pilots in the planes flying overhead had to parachute out after Xtina's "Chewbacca getting sodomized with R2D2" yodel broke their windows. Bitch's tonsils practically touched my screen. Francis Scott Key rose from the grave and is now on a Greyhound bus heading towards Dallas to lay a STFU on her ass.

On a positive note, there won't be any dogs barking in Dallas tonight, because most of them are probably under the bed with their paws stuck in their ear holes. And on another positive note, the layers of red lipstick on Xtina's mouth didn't try to run away. That's real loyalty for you.

If you're going to fall into a sweet nectar-induced coma on somebody's bed, it might as well be Jeremy Renner's. Xtina has obviously been reading up on the drunk ho's list of pre-approved beds to pass out on, because she allegedly got close to Jeremy Renner's duvet cover at his 40th birthday party on January 8th. That's what a source tells UsWeekly anyway.

Apparently, Xtina stumbled into Jeremy's house with her psychical state set to "broke off & dozed off" and continued to get Snooki drunk. A source claims that she was acting the fool and her bought bitch Matthew Rutler kept trying to keep her quiet. Err. One of the first rules of dealing with a drunk bitch is: never ever tell them to keep it quiet. They will turn up the slurr and all you'll hear is "Whadya meeeeen beee quiet! Dis is my whithper librury voy-es.." over and over again. Just prop them over a plastic trash can and stick a cheeseburger in their booze hole.

Eventually, she found her way into Jeremy's bedroom and became one with his sheets. Jeremy was overheard telling people at a Golden Globes after-party: "Someone comes and tells me she's in my room. I run up and open the door and I'm like, 'Um, hi. What are you doing?' She just starts slurring. Her boyfriend was rubbing her back. Who comes to someone's birthday party that they don't know and gets in their bed?! My parents were there!"

Jeremy's rep said that Xtina had a good time, but didn't get into Jeremy's bed.

Oh, please. Jeremy is acting like he doesn't come home to find a random drunk ho in his bed almost every single day. Jeremy, we already know that your maid turns down the drunk whores every night before bedtime. We know this. Jeremy really got upset, because he knew he had to throw out the sheets he bought with his "Mission Impossible" money thanks to the lipstick slobber stains Xtina left for him. Note to Jeremy: When you see Xtina stumbling up to your driveway, Saran Wrap your carpets and put a furniture condom on everything. Oil-based face paint from Benjamin Moore does not scrub out!

And I'm fucking loving the new Xtina. Yelling at wet noodle hos and passing out on Jeremy Renner's bed? For the first time in my life I can say with confidence that I'm an Xtinahead. Keep fucking that chicken, Xtina!

The ominous scent of bronzer steam, burnt iron oxide, grilled polyester and charbroiled tarantula legs filled the air at CAA's pre-Golden Globes party on Friday night when Xtina spotted her second arch rival (her first being face wash) Julianne Hough from across the room. E! News (aka home of Gaycrest) reports that Snookitina spit out a long trail of grease in front of her and used it to slide towards her Burlesque co-star to tell her what's what. Sadly, Julianne's current employer, Ryan Gaycrest, was not there to distract Xtina with a cheerful jig. I mean, who doesn't love a cheerful jig performed by a leprechaun?

A source says that for reasons unknown to everyone, Xtina breathed out a flame of cuntified words at Julianne, "Christina really got in her face. The whole thing was troubling. People felt bad for Julianne." Xtina grabbed at Julianne and vowed to ruin her country music career before they were separated. The source says that the two never got along while shooting Burlesque.

Xtina's rep says the story is "nonsense."

The theatrical cunt queen in me (which is 100% of me) loves that the seasoned weed is trying to grow over the blooming daisy, but Xtina is doing it all wrong. Didn't she learn anything from watching Showgirls? You're supposed to bond with your enemy over Doggy Chow, seduce her during rehearsal, get her hired as your understudy, get her fired as your understudy, let her push you down the stairs and then release a smug smile of satisfaction when the guilt of breaking your bones forces her to leave show business forever. That's how you rid a bitch while keeping your hands clean.

That being said, Julianne better make amends with Xtina by sacrificing her favorite red lipstick. You don't fuck with Xtina. Xtina destroyed her own music career, so I'm sure she can ruin another bitch's music career too!

What more could Matthew Rutler want? This time last year, Matthew was probably riding shot gun in a Toyota Tercel to a house party to sip on Bud from a can, and look at his ass now! BITCH, YOU'VE MADE IT! Here's Matthew sucking in the luxury while riding in a fancy horse-drawn carriage near a fancy resort in fancy Courchevel, France with a fancy throw, a fancy glass of wine and a benefactor who doesn't call the police when he fishes 2 $100 bills out of her purse to pay his cell phone bill.

And if that isn't already a new kind of gold digging heaven, Matthew never has to worry about getting cold since the toxic paint on Xtina's face exudes hot fumes all day long. Yes, Matthew is probably being exposed to radiation poisoning, but that's a small price to pay for living the FANCY LUXURIOUS life!