Speaking of meaningless titles that magazines give, because why not?
TIME celebrated their 100 Most Influential People at a gala in NYC last night and one of those most influential showed up looking like a terracotta Siamese Cat figurine covered in oil-based lacquer. You might be wondering how exactly is Xtina one of the most influential people of the year? Well, Xtina has influenced many to not wear leggings out in public and if you're going to wear leggings out in public, make sure to not bend over in front of a camera unless you want your ass to look like two baby warthogs butting heads under a Hefty bag. Xtina is also extremely influential, because she has influenced people to bleach the life out of their hair and throw all the make-up on their faces if they want to look like a demure oyster. And she's also influenced me to immediately buy a red lips mic stand, because it looks like a giant string of anal beads inspired by Mick Jagger's mouth.
See, Xtina is influenza (Freudian typo) in so many ways!
And here's the other most influential influentials being all influential at Time's most influential gala. Influentialness in order: Influentialtina, Lena Dunham (looking like one of Sleeping Beauty's fairies gone wrong), Robin Thicke's stand-in with Jessica Biel, Claire Danes with Hugh Dancy, Frank Ocean, Mia Farrow (wearing an outfit from the fashion label DontGiveAFuck) with her son, Mark Burnett with Roma "Touched By A Plastic Surgeon" Downey, Jimmy Fallon with his wife, Olivia Munn, Tracy Anderson, my mom's boo Dr. Oz and Barbara Walters.
Typing the words "Christina Aguilera actually looks kind of natural in the face" feels unnatural, wrong and it goes against all the laws of clown glamour, but it's what I have to type, because she kind of does. It only took five chisels, a sandblaster and a few dozen passes through the $5 car wash at the Shell gas station, but they managed to scrape all thirty five layers of dried Bronzer off of Xtina's skin for last night's screening of The Voice 4 in Los Angeles.
Xtina kept her mug on the natural side and pruned her brows so they don't look like they belong on a box of Count Chocucla, and I know I'm supposed to say she looks better like this, but I can't. Xtina is just isn't the same when she doesn't look like a Hatchet Face impersonator/clown hooker who just worked five shifts in a row. Although, at least her weave still looks like it was put together using ten different kinds of man-made materials.
Here's some other hos at last night's screening party. In order: Xtina, Blake Shelton with Miranda Lambert, Justin Bieber's biological mother, Delta Goodrimgjob, Seal and Benji Madden.
At last night's American Music Awards, Xtina gave all of us a day off from looking at her nasty heavy flow day weave and wore a wig she snatched right off of the head of Raven from RuPaul's Drag Race. Raven can now write that wig off as a charitable donation since she's helping those less fortunate. While I'm happy that somebody finally threw a maxi-pad on Xtina's period hair and got rid of it, I'm still trying to figure out what's happening to her ass in those pictures below.
Should I expect CNN to report the extinction of butt pads, because Xtina bought and wore all of them to the AMAs last night? Did Cee Lo Green try to sneak into the AMAs by hiding in the back of bitch's dress? I know Xtina's got a big ass, but that dress is doing weird things to it. It's make her look a hormone-fed chicken in amateur drag. This is some Foster Farms pin-up shit.
Xtina also performed and the only reason to press play is for the gay pride explosion at the end:
My ears will never be the same after listening to Xtina sound like a banshee getting attacked with a chainsaw, but at least she gave us a queen with earthquake titties (at the 3:39 mark). So there's that.
The #1 enemy of the buttfuck people, Xtina, teased us buttfuck people by showing us the butt that we will never be able to fuck.... unless we've got about 12 hours of free time, a tow truck and two plastic tubs of petroleum jelly since that's what it'll take to get her out of those tight ass jeans. Xtina doesn't wear panties, so I don't even want to think about the chaffing that's occurring with every step.
After whoring out The Voice with Adam Levine and Blake Shelton on Extra at The Grove last night, Xtina's full-time escort (insert his name here, don't make me Google it) escorted her to dinner. Xtina once again wore an outfit that a WWF wrestler wore first and better in the 80s, but I do love what she's done to her weave. I'm only saying that, because the side of her hair looks like a pan dulce. You are doing it right when your hair looks like something found in the bakery section of Supermercado Gigante.
Delicioso! And you know when she got drunk at the end the night, she tried to eat the side of her head and looked like a puppy chasing its own tail.
If it wasn't for Whatshisname dressed up as Sir Golddigsalot, you wouldn't know it was Skankoween and you'd think that Xtina had just pulled herself off of the puddle of chardonnay drool and mascara tears she was lying in to pick her kid up from school. When the kids at school see a bloated cloud of pressed powder, torn fishnets, frizzy pink wig hair and bits of dried self tanner gel coming toward them they know that Max's mom is here to pick him up. But believe it or not, Xtina is actually wearing a costume.
Xtina threw a Halloween party last night and she took a little time out from drunkenly humping all of her guests to come outside and pose FOR HER LIFE between two pieces of lifeless wood. Xtina is not only a mess, but she's an ice-hearted bitch too. Just look at how she's smiling her fupa off and has no remorse about viciously murdering a family of Poochie dolls to make that wig. Cold bitch is the Ecuadorian Cruella De Vil.
For always being wasted from inhaling the toxic fumes that waft off of the red lacquer slathered on her lips, Xtina really does have a clear mind that produces potent dingles of truth. The Hollywood Reporter (via ONTD) hosted a Q& A with Xtina in Los Angeles yesterday and she had a few things to say about bloggers, Simon Cowell and about being a cold hard bitch in show business. You know, I never knew what to write next to occupation on forms ("Dumb Slut" and "Purveyor of Faggotry" don't fully explain all the layers of my job), but now I do thanks to the always eloquent Xtina.
On how she's not into dicks: "I've not actually seen a full episode of any of the other music shows. I saw the commercials early on of American Idol of Simon being a dick. I was like, 'Man, that's not what it's about!' I didn't want to treat people like that. I wanted to do The Voice to show that we can be positive. We don't have to knock people down."
On how she's a powerful business woman: "It's hard being such a powerful woman in the business. I'm known for not always being warm and fuzzy, because you'll just get bulldozed over. You learn to put up this little protective shield, but it's because of something. In my music, I come off as being very open about being insecure, vulnerable and sensitive sometimes. Then I'll go onstage and be this powerhouse force to be reckoned with."
On bloggers: "Now everyone is a critic. I don't read blogs. It's just God-knows-who in Buttfuck wherever writing hate shit. You can't take it seriously. I'm sure you've all been hated on at some point by buttfuck people. It's real talk today."
FINALLY, when I'm at a party, sitting in the corner by myself, petting the cat and someone comes to talk to me, I have something to say when they ask me what I do. I'll proudly say, "I'm a buttfuck person and I write hate shit all day." Now I just have to get on unionizing us buttfuck people.
I even love that Xtina is saying "buttfuck people" like it's a bad thing and that she really wants us to believe that she hasn't let her piece's peen enter the city limits of her Buttfuckville.
I do have a new appreciation for Xtina, though. I like how Xtina can sit there, talking shit about us buttfuck people while her weave is having a heavy flow day. Bitch, get your weave a tampon. If the whole "spinning on a chair" thing doesn't work out for Xtina, she should join us buttfuck people, because clearly she's one of us.
Snookitina was on Chelsea Lately (via UsWeekly) last night, which is sort of surprising since Chelsea has spit lukewarm hate at her before, but then again Chelsea hates on everything that isn't a delicious bottle of vodka or Jennifer Aniston's vagine. But Xtina said she only agreed to go on Chelsea Lately if Chelsea went pant-less, because Chelsea always makes fun of her for being allergic to pants. So there's Chelsea sitting pant-less in a chair and Xtina just had to double the UGH by telling everyone she always lets her down low parts flap in the wind.
"I don't like to wear underwear. I like to be as free as possible at all times. It's just who I am. It's empowering. It's pussy power!"
It's "empowering" for Xtina, but weird for the people who now know that whenever they stand around her they're going to breath in the moist air her coochie breathes out. Who needs a humidifier when you've got Xtina's misty poon?
I totally understand why Xtina doesn't even bother with chonies. Drunktina is always boozed up and when you're boozed up, panties just get in the way when you need to squat a piss out behind a dumpster in the Carl's Jr. parking lot you made your piece drive into because your drunk bladder can't wait until you get home. Besides, Xtina has so much pussy power down there that her labia rips off all panties. Bitch has got the Hulk of twats.
With all that being said, I CAN'T with Xtina for quoting the legendary Alexyss K. Tylor without giving credit.
No, it's not Nicki Minaj, a skid row My Little Pony or Hair-tastic Barbie on the first day of her period. It's Christina Aguilera showing off her best side at the Pumpkin Patch with her cute little son Max and boyfriend what's-his-face in tow. Yes it's that time of year again when we get to see Shauna and Phoebe pose, pose, posing for their lives with pumpkin cleavage!!! So original. But while we wait for that main course, we can tide ourselves over with this Xtina snack.
Damn girl, was it laundry day or did you wake up hungover and naked at Goodwill?? And I don't even want to know what is going on in the first thumb, but I think the guys out there may not want to inspect it too hard. That shit looks painful.
UPDATE: Xtina's rep tells EW that she never said any of this to Billboard. The quotes were made up. I will fire my fact checker as soon as I finish smoking a bowl out of it.
Xtina is a proud card-carrying member of Team Chunk (copyright: Fresh) and her pixelated Deal with It shades slowly drop on her face every time her record label tells her she needs to switch to calorie-free red lipstick and lose a little fat to get back to her Dirrty era body. In an interview with Billboard Magazine (via Radar) to promote her new album Lotus, Xtina says that while pushing her album Stripped in 2002, she got sick of being seen as a skinny, little white bitch, so she says she fully embraced her Ecuadorian-ness by filling her mouth hole with pan dulce to get some curves on her body.
"During the promotion of my album Stripped, I got tired of being a skinny, white girl. I am Ecuadorian but people felt so safe passing me off as a skinny, blue-eyed white girl. The next time my label saw me, I was heavier, darker and full of piercings!"
The label held an emergency meeting and brought Xtina in to tell her that she needs to THINK OF THE PRODUCTION PEOPLE the next time she wanted to deep throat a chili beef enchilada. The label told Xtina that her extra set of lonjas was affecting musical directors and the production team. So after that talk, Xtina went back to the skinny for her Back to Basics tour, but after Bionic turned out to be a musical turd that quickly dropped to the bottom of the toilet, she decided to tell the label what's what:
"I told them during this Lotus recording, 'You are working with a fat girl. Know it now and get over it.' They need a reminder sometimes that I don't belong to them. It's my body. My body can't put anyone in jeopardy of not making money anymore-my body is just not on the table that way anymore"
Bitch, please. Snookitina is only shouting about loving her fat body, because I'm sure she was told the same thing I was told when I said I wanted to lose the ball of bloat over my stomach. I was told that I had to break up with the booze bottle for at least a month and only visit with my bong every now and again. Fuck that. I'd rather have a belly full of whiskey and Funyuns than a belly full of muscles. Drunktina is with me on that, so that's the only reason she's saying what she's saying. But after Weight Watchers hires her to be the body of their new line of weight-reducing cocktails (examples: Fen Phen-tini, Xenical Daiquiri and the Alli Mud Slide), her skinny ass will be on the cover of Life & Style screaming about how she's so glad to have her body back and she finally feels like the real her.
And bitches shouldn't be poking at Xtina about her fatness, they should be poking at her for contributing to My Little Pony genocide.
You too would take the express route to Drunkville if you looked down and saw the cut-off tails of a family of My Little Ponies draped over your chichis. Dishwashers at Spago in Beverly Hills had to stay 2 hours past their shift last night, scrubbing red oil stains off the edges of wine glasses, which could only mean one thing: Drunktina was there!
Looking like she just hung her head over a toilet right after Jem! took a pink and purple-colored piss in it, Drunktina stumbled out of Spago last night with the help of two human crunches. You know, Drunktin's leased piece, whatever his name is, has it good. Dude gets to live in a mansion, use Xtina's AMEX whenever he wants and the only thing he has to do is safely escort her drunk ass to a waiting SUV and dunk her face in a bowl full of paint remover before bedtime so she doesn't ruin another pair of $3,000 sheets. Bitch does not have it bad.