Christina Aguilera

The Wanted, who I guess are like the Backstreet Boys to One Direction's 'N Sync or like the New Edition to One Direction's New Kids (In other words: I'm old), performed on The Voice recently and they left with the taste of bitchy bitterness and hot lipstick in their mouths. While talking to Now FM (via Digital Spy), they said that Christina Aguilera was more like Cuntina Aguilera. SHOTS FIRED! Here's the transcript detectives will study after The Wanted becomes The Missing!:

Max: Yeah, she's a bit scary, to be honest.

Host: I thought she looked really good. I thought she looked alright.

The Wanted one in all black: SHE'S A TOTAL BITCH!

Host: Ooooooh, is she?

The Wanted one in all black: She's a total bitch.

Host: Was she mean to you?

The Wanted one in all black: She might not be a bitch in real life, but to us she was a bitch. She just sat there and didn't speak to us. Not even look at us.

Host: Christina, how dare you give him the mean mug. Don't do that.

The Wanted one in a beanie: She might've been in a bad mood that day cause she completely (something something'ed) Justin Bieber. He went in for a hug and she's like....

Host: "Why are you coming near me?" I saw that. Can't be mean to these guys. Look at them. She was just mad, because Max didn't run off the stage. Like on American Idol, I was like, did he just make out with JLo?

Max: Well, JLo's hot .Christina's nothing special.

Oh, those sweet, naive British-Irish boys don't even know. Some of them are Irish, which means they've got the sweet nectar naturally running through their veins, which means Drunktina will sniff them down and swallow them up in one gulp. They'll spend the rest of eternity trapped in her gut, slowly getting suffocated by the Spanx cocoon she wraps herself in. It's over for them. Even the YouTube commenters know what I'm talking about:

The unwanted. The fact GODTINA can sing better than them put together and has been in the music industry for over 10 years should be something they should take note of. They've been around nearly two years. Oh and she can sing.

What grown ass men talks s#!t about a woman who is older than they are? They're barely starting and already making unnecessary rude comments about someone they don't know. Just in a moment in time, Cursetina will strike their lame asses.....

HA at "Cursetina." I love how we can throw almost any word or set of words in front of "tina" and it works. Snookitina, Cursetina, Cuntina, Burritotina, Godtina, Bloatina, Huntingdownthewantedtoskinthemrawtina...

Here's the #1 enemies of the Red Lipstick Mafia performing at The Grove in L.A. yesterday.

In case you missed it and really want to have a one-on-one with Xtina's Spandex-wrapped crotch biscuits, here she is giving us vacuum sealed realness while yodeling like a hyena in heat with her team on The Voice last night. "Fighter" isn't only the song Snookitina hollered out with her team last night, it's also what her top kept calling itself over and over again while it tried hard to keep her chest domes from flying across the stage. Yes, the anti-pantless groups are raising their protest signs for this shit, but I'm all about this look since I'm usually all about hos looking like the host of a Brit Brit-themed night at a strip club/truck stop gas station at an unincorporated county in Alabama.

And I heard that Xtina was actually wearing her signature red lip paint before taking the stage, but her outfit was so damn tight that the red popped right off of her lips.

(For Bradiful Bitch)

While escorted by her rent-to-own man mule, Xtina left The Little Door restaurant in West Hollywood last night wearing a dress so damn tight that I can practically see the outline of her belly button lint. But the real story here is that Xtina gave the Maaco employees who blast her face with orange car paint the day off and her face doesn't look like it came straight from the set of a clown porn. Seeing Xtina without half of a Dutch Boy paint factory on her face is about as rare as Kelly Preston not saying "Didn't I tell you to brush your teeth after chewing on man ass?" to John Travolta when he kisses her hello.

Xtina's eyelids still look like barbecue charcoal nuggets, but this is practically her SANS FARDS. I knew hos would step up their beauty game after Samantha Brick came on the scene, but this is beyond!

Your eyeballs can thank the blonde in the background for rolling her eyes so they don't have to. Give your eyeballs the day off, they deserve it.

Here's Xtina making sight balls do the wave while sitting courtside with her paid piece Matthew Rutever and Christina Milian at the Lakers game in L.A. last night. In all seriousness, Xtina usually looks like a Snooki and Hatchet Face drunk swirl, so besides the Count Chocula ass brows, the Hamburglar ass shirt, the Fritos Chili Cheese ass skin and the skid mark ass blush, she looks good! Did I miss anything?

Here's Xtina, her son Max and her leased bag handler/piece Matthew Rutler leaving Cirque du Soleil's Michael Jackson: The Immortal World Tour in L.A. last night and for once I'm not going to say shit about her wearing camel toe-inducing leggings as pants. Because at least she's covering her legs! I spent a slice of my Saturday night analyzing the stream of WTF?! that trickled down her leg during Etta James' funeral and I can't handle an encore. So now I see TampaXtina's leggings as a Spandex condom protecting my eyes from the self tanner sweat or coochie blood that may drip down her leg. But since we're on that subject again, I don't think it was Aunt Flow's saliva or fake tanner runs. It was obviously delicious barbecue sauce from the McRib she keeps in her chonies for snack emergencies.

Let that screen shot be the warning label you need to stuff pieces of egg crate into your ear holes and hit the mute button on your laptop (Note: You can still hear Xtina's "soprano walrus giving birth while getting ass fucked without lube in a moving wind tunnel" yodel even with the mute button on).

Etta James was laid to rest in L.A. today and Xtina was invited by her family to sing "At Last" in front of mourners who should really get their knuckles chewed off for bringing their cell phones out at a damn funeral. I'm surprised their screens didn't shatter into a million pieces when Xtina's throat pushed out a sonic boom. My dog is still clinging to the ceiling and my ear drums are still lying at the opposite side of the room from listening to that last note. I swear it's like her voice is hanging on a bungee cord. Bitch's voice runs in circles, jumps up, hits the floor and does all sorts of cartwheels. It's like an acrobatic dog on the strongest kind of speed. Bitch SANG and it's a shame she didn't sing the orange off of her skin, because she's a few shades away from looking like a deep fried Cheeto and we all know what happens to deep fried Cheetos: they end up in the gulch of a Spears.

And Etta can finally rest in peace now that Xtina and her chichis are finished hollerin' and shit. But I do love open air titties in church.

UPDATE: Thanks to all of you who pointed out the shit trickling down Xtina's leg and in my professional opinion it's either:

a) Bitch is yelling her fake tanner off and the sweat caused it to run
b) Bitch's asshole is crying tears of shit, because she's clenching it so hard
c) Bitch pulled a Fergie
d) Bitch's pussy lips wore red lipstick too and it was starting to slobber off
e) Bitch is trying so hard that her tampon popped out and the bloody red river of embarrassment came streaming down

Farm fresh foolery thickened the air at NBC's Winter Press Tour in L.A. last night when the hos from The Voice came out looking like eight degrees of MESS.

We've got Xtina whose titties could use a pep talk and a shot of Prozac, because they look like they're slowly sliding down into a deep depression. Sad chichis are sad. Then we've got Cee-Lo whose goatee makes him look like the evil fat midget baby of a T-Rex and Genghis Khan. Then there's Adam Levine and his piece who look like they should be playing a game of patty cake with their flap jackets. And finally, there's Blake Shelton and Slappy the Dummy Carson Daly making my gay gene shrivel down into the shape of a shrieking vulva by hugging on each other like that.

A MESS! Which button do I press to turn my chair the other way?

Wearing one of Mimi's favorite maternity dresses, Xtina busted onto the stage during Maroon 5's performance at the AMAs last night looking like an electrocuted poodle half-mummified in duct tape. Because Snookitina's bandage dress suffocated her body so tight that her lonjitas were popping out for dear mercy, some people are saying that if you looked in the wastebasket next to her toilet you'd find an e.p.t. with a blue plus sign on it. BUT NOPE! You might find an e.p.t., but it wouldn't be positive, it'd be drunk as three shades of hell from Xtina pissing out her 100 proof piss on it. That's not a human baby in Xtina's belly, that's a beer baby (the best kind of baby to be pregnant with, honestly).

Hating hos saying that Xtina's Miss Piggy look was marketing for the new Muppets movie are filled with jealousy. They wish they had a keg in their bellies like Xtina (and me after this weekend). PARTY IN MAH BELLY: Xtina can say it and you can't.

But what I'm most worried about is the fact that Xtina doesn't look like she just sucked off a melting candied apple. Where is the red lipstick?!!!! Unless.... Xtina's dress was so tight that it squeezed the red right off of her lips. That's all kinds of possible.

This morning, the lobby of the Belasco Theater in Los Angeles looks like a crime scene where a tangerine viciously murdered a family of cherries and that could only mean one thing: XTINA WAS THERE!

The Tasmanian She-Devil put on her party leggings and whirled through a video game launch party, eating every booze bottle, whore d'oeuvre and man in her path. Once every drop of hooch and cater waiter tray had been devoured, she stopped, let out a few huffs and then this happened:

Xtina gambled:

Xtina lost:

And when Xtina loses, everybody in a 200-foot radius loses. Emergency room nurses at the UCLA Medical Center now know why the number of fart inhalation cases that came in last night were up by a thousand percent.

Also, here's Xtina's beauty tip of the day: Before a night of drunken debauchery, go ahead and color your hairline with a bronzer stick. Bronzer it up all the way. I mean, your hairline is going to be covered in bronzer shit by the end of the night anyway, so you might as well look like you did it on purpose.

Back when Kelly Osbourne had a fupa that couldn't quit and an open invitation to join Celebrity Fit Club, she claims that Xtina constantly Mean Girl-ed her by calling her a fat fat fatty bitch. Well, now that Kelly's chunk has slid off of her body and made its way to the thighs of Snookitina, she's returning the favor. Kelly has already said on an episode of Fashion Police that Xtina called her fat for so many years and "who's the fat bitch now?," and she went back for more this weekend. Joan Rivers' brought up a picture of Xtina at the Michael Jackson Tribute looking like Axl Rose as Hatchet Face and Kelly said that even at her fattest she was never that fat. UsWeekly broke it down:

On E!'s Fashion Police Friday, the 26-year-old slammed Christina Aguilera for her weight. "She called me fat for years," Osbourne said. "I was never that fat."

But Ozzy's daughter wasn't the only cohost to attack Aguilera's figure. "Lady Marmalade got into the peanut butter again," Joan Rivers sniped.

"I'm looking at this and thinking, 'Well, she's put on weight. This just isn't flattering,'" George Kotsiopoulos said. "But this is just a crappy outfit, regardless. No matter what shape your body is in, it's just bad."

Kotsiopoulos pointed out Aguilera was "still probably a size 2/4," but Osbourne was quick to disagree.

"Trust me," she said. "I'm a 2/4. That is not a 2/4."

Are we sure Xtina didn't murder the life out of Kelly's favorite puppy and use its red blood as lip paint, because DAMN. Kelly is holding onto that grudge tighter than a pair of Spanx panties holds down Xtina's bloated gunt. Yes, the feeling called sweet satisfaction trickles into my dead heart whenever I go on Facebook and see pictures of my junior high school bullies looking like a swollen anal gland with only two hairs on top, but you don't see me gloating all over their statuses. No, I upload their fugly picture to Hot or Not (yes, Hot or Not still exists) and laugh when they don't even get one star. That's what ADULTS do, Kelly!