George Michael

In the beginning of an interview George Michael did with The Guardian, the interviewer writes about how these German girls waited for hours outside of his house to get his autograph. Well, the German girls should've disguised themselves as hairy leather daddies and hung out at Hampstead Heath. It only would've taken a few minutes for George Michael to show up to autograph their faces with the ink from his peen. That's because George just loves huntin' for park dick at Hampstead Heath when the weather is warm enough to keep his butt cheeks toasty.

George, who has an open relationship with his partner Kenny Goss, said, "The handful of times a year it's bloody warm enough, I'll do it. I'll do it on a nice summer even–ing. Quite often there are campfires up there. It's a much nicer place to get some quick and honest sex than standing in a bar, E'd off your tits shouting at somebody and hoping they want the same thing as you do in bed. DyaknowhatImean?"

Oh, I know what you mean, Georgie. You're a naturist. You just love the musty aroma of pine needles mixed in with ass sweat and foreskin fromage. It's potpourri for George Michael's hole.

Speaking of greenery, George Michael said that despite the claims that he's licking on crack rocks every chance he gets, his only current poison of choice is weed.

He said that he used to gobble up 25 joints a day, but he's down to 7 or 8 now. Okay, George should probably check his dealer's references, because if he needs 8 joints to keep him riding high on a green cloud, then he might be smoking catnip.

Finally, George had a message for Elton John. Elton has been telling the press that he's afraid for George's well-being. George's response is, "Elton lives on that. He will not be happy until I bang on his door in the middle of the night saying, 'Please, please, help me, Elton. Take me to rehab.' It's not going to happen. Elton just needs to shut his mouth and get on with his own life. Look, if people choose to believe that I'm sitting here in my ivory tower, Howard Hughesing myself with long fingernails and loads of drugs, then I can't do anything about that, can I?"

"People want to see me as tragic with all the casual sex and drug-taking... those things are not what most people aspire to, and I think it removes people's envy to see your weaknesses. I don't even see them as weaknesses any more. It's just who I am."

HA! So basically, George is a forest fucking stoner who just wants everyone to get off his dick so he can smoke his joints and search for ass in peace. I can go along with that as long as George stays away from steering wheels.

George Michael's boyfriend of 13 years, Kenny Goss, has quit that bitch, because he was totally over his man always being in handcuffs (and not in the sexy way). The Daily Mail says that Kenny gave George the gift of singlehood last Christmas, but the two managed to keep that shit on the down low up until now.

After George was arrested last year for being caught with the bad shit in a public bathroom, Kenny said he just couldn't take it anymore. One of George's friends said, "Kenny had given George many chances. But after the Hampstead Heath incident he said he couldn’t take any more. Despite George saying they had an open relationship, Kenny never agreed with George’s urges to cruise for other men, or with his excessive use of cannabis."

George isn't taking the break-up well. Apparently, he spends all day smoking the good shit and playing video games. So basically, it sounds like he's turned into a 24-year-old fanboy who still lives in his mother's basement. It is worse than I thought. However, at least he's not tap-dancing in public bathrooms or getting a sudden case of the Zzzzzzs while driving. That's good, I guess.

I'm actually surprised their relationship lasted this long. It's one thing to know that your boyfriend is out licking on another dude's taint, but constantly being woken up by the police to bail his ass out of jail doesn't sound like fun. Go ahead and fuck on another bitch, but don't fuck with my sleep!

UPDATE: George has denied away that Kenny put his ass on the curb. George's spokeswhore had this to say: "There is no truth in the matter at all. Kenny has been away in Dallas where he owns a gallery but is scheduled to return home this Friday. They are planning a lovely weekend together."

George Michael was arrested in Berkshire, England yesterday morning after his Land Rover angrily butt fucked a lorry (British-talk for truck) on the highway. Both George and the driver of the lorry he rear-ended were not injured. The cops dragged Georgie in, because he is George Michael which means he was probably under the influence of some kind of shit during the crash. A few hours after his arrest, George was released back into the wild without being charged.

Stupid ass George barely got his license back too. In 2007, his license was suspended for two years after he pleaded guilty to driving while high as fuck.

George and cars are fucking done professionally! They don't go together. All cars should close their key holes to George Michael. We need to get George one of those play cars, so he can sit in his driveway and just pretend he's driving. Dude can even take a hit of the bad shit while "play driving" if that's how he likes to have fun.

Maybe George is getting arrested on purpose so that he can beat Pete Doherty's record.

VIA BBC

UPDATE: Before you start to read this shit, a rep for Blue Man Group told TMZ that the dude in this story is lying and he's not a member of their group of blue men who throw toilet paper rolls at audience members. The police in Chicago said that dumb dumbs lie on their arrest reports all the time and they haven't done a background check on the possibly faux Blue Man yet. Maybe he meant Blew Man? That would make more sense. It's still fucking hilarious because who pretends to be a Blue Man? The dude's real name is probably Tobias Funke. And now here's the original story:

File this under: This shit was made for puns. PUNS!!!

Two dudes were busted by the cops in Chicago last night for trying to bust nuts in a public park. One of the men is an actor in Blue Man Group. His name is Darren Stephens. Samantha, come get this bitch! Endora does not approve.

The other dude's name is Michael Pressler and he's an assistant principal at Maine East High School. Wiki says the high school's color is blue and their mascot is the Blue Demon. Don't you love it when these things write themselves?

According to the Daily Herald, the Blow Blue Man was caught blowing the assistant principal on a park bench at a lakefront park on Chicago's North Side at around 5:45pm. They were arrested and charged with getting sexay while on Chicago Park property.

Get ready to hit the gong..... Obviously, both dudes were left with a serious case of "blue" balls. GONG!

Seriously, who the fuck sucks dick at 5:45pm on a park bench? Don't look at me! Don't! If you need to get dirty at 5:45 in the evening, take your act to a bush, a public bathroom or even a sewer tunnel (don't judge). Bench sucking is only for after midnight. Dumb blue motherfucker!

And it's a shame that Darren Stephens wasn't arrested in his Blue Man makeup. That mug shot would rival all fucking mug shots.

Seeing Dr. Phil at a George Michael show would be like seeing Rojo Caliente in a mini-skirt and tube top. It's not right and it's a little offensive. Well, Dr. Phil was at George Michael's concert last night in Los Angeles with his wifey and his presence didn't go unnoticed.

TaraDi's Popcast reports that about 30-minutes into the show, George started laughing a bit and quietly said, "...No this is too mean." He then told the audience that Dr. Dumb Fuck was in the front row with his wifey. Some of the crowd started to applaud and some started to boo at Dr. Phil's stupid fucking head!

George said that Phil's wife looked like she was having a good time, but that Phil looked miserable. The camera then showed Phil's ugly mug on the screens and that's when the audience erupted in boos. George ended by telling Phil, "You should see someone about that!" Everyone cheered and Phil and wifey apparently headed for the exit.

You just know Dr. Phil asked for his money back. Dr. Phil deserved it! He deserves to get booed wherever he goes. So the next time you're pissing next to Dr. Phil in a urinal, zip up and poo boo in his face.

George Michael will return to the US stage after being away for 17 years. It was announced that Georgie will open his new tour on June 17th in San Diego. He will then move on to Los Angeles, Seattle, New York and cities in Canada. The tour will end in Fort Lauderdale, FL this August. Tickets for the "25 Live" tour go on sale to us regular bitches on April 6th. That shit better not be more than $50! I'm sick of these dumb skanks charging hundreds of dollars for something that I can view on DVD a couple of months later.

Georgie needs to get Danny Noriega to open for him and then I'm in! I'd gladly sell my dog for tickets. Yeah I know, I couldn't get a food stamp for that bitch.

Georgie should consider only playing local parks. Well, he already knows where the best gloryholes bathrooms are.

Source: Reuters