SCANDAL

Yeah, yeah, I know that when the words "John, Travolta, gay, and sex" are thrown into the same sentence the word "scandal" does not apply at all, but I needed for it for theatrical purposes so go with it. The National Enquirer brings us this shocking tale that will make you drop the lube bottle (not really). An author who goes by the name of Robert Randolph is about to release a book about the "underground secret world of celebrity gay spa sex" in Hollywood. Fuck The A-List, this shit right here should be a reality show.

Robert is planning to name names, but the first one he has spat up is probably the least shocking of them all. Robert tells the Enquirer that he has witnessed John Travolta humping on several different dudes at several different spas in L.A.

The last time Robert caught John with his tongue in the culo jar was this past October. Robert is now legally blind. No. But Robert did say that John has offered up his succulent nipple to suckle on several times. Robert said, "I met John in 1998, after he had married Kelly. I believe the marriage is a total fraud because John is totally into guys and has been having sex with them behind Kelly's back for years. He came on to me a number of times. I always turned him down. But there was always some guy who was willing to have sex with him. And John didn't stop cheating on Kelly after either of their children was born. John's a cheating dog. It's just been wrong, because his wife seems like such a sweet woman."

Robert, who passed a lie detector test for his interview with the Enquirer, also said that John's "secret gay life is one of Hollywood's worst kept secrets. He blatantly cruises guys, and doesn't seem to care who sees him. I saw him with his lover and he couldn't get enough. John should come out of the closet already and stop living a lie. His wife Kelly deserves so much better."

My guess is that John has come home with man pubes in his teeth for years, so I'm sure Kelly knows all about it. I mean, why do you think John spend hours in the Scientology sauna "purifying his soul." More like peenifying his hole. This is not news to many, so I doubt it's news to Kelly. Whatever works for them.

And I wish I could purify the image in my head of John with his tongue in the culo jar. Why do I do this to myself?

And here's something I never thought would grace my inbox, but it has! One of Siegfried & Roy's former employees has gone off to The National Enquirer to pass them a video of Roy Horn allegedly groping on his genitals (among other things) without asking for permission. The major twist is that the former employee is not a tiger or any member of the cat family. CUT TO DRAMA CAT!

Even though Roy was left disabled after getting attacked by a tiger 7 years ago, the assistant says that didn't stop him from doing illegal sex shit on several male employees. The assistant, who started working for Siegfried & Roy in May 2008, says the harassment went on for 2 years. He has already reported it, and is planning on throwing a civil suit at Roy Horn.

The assistant smartly took a page out of OctoSana's playbook and secretly recorded Roy in the act. He told the Enquirer, "Roy Horn's sexual advances became unbearable, and began to take on the shape of unprovoked sexual attacks. He ordered me to touch his genitals and groped me repeatedly, both inside and outside my pants. He also threatened to fire me if I didn't comply."

This changes my pristine image of Roy! Here I was thinking that Siegfried & Roy don't partake in sexual pleasures, because they get off on lounging on their waterbed with wind from a fan softly blowing their freshly waxed chests. With their white tigers surrounding them, they gently feed each other fresh grapes. I thought that was sex to them. Everything is shattered now!

Anyways, BoyCulture has a grainy shot from the video. I'm mad that Roy Horn looks like Kim Jong-il without his glasses in that picture. Not only do I have the image of Roy Horn possibly forcing a dude on his crotch, but now I also have the image of Kim Jon-il forcing a dude on his crotch.

via Gawker

I guess if you have to be implicated in a scandal, it might as well be an Italian cocaine scandal, so Elisabetta Canalis has that going for her. Two snorts and a wipe for her! The Italian newspaper Corriere della Sera (via Radar Online) reports that Elisabetta Canalis, who is famous on this side for lounging on George Clooney's face, has found her name in the middle of an Italian cocaine and prostitution scandal dating back 2 years.

Two fancy night clubs in Milan were shut down recently after police discovered that they were running a prostitution whore ring. Basically, a Rachel Uchitel type pimp would bring pretty chicks into the club to entertain the VIPs. The girls' job would be to fill up the dudes with enough booze and coke to make them as numb as a Lohan. Then the girls would show the dudes the price tag on their snatches and they'd all run out of the club for a little paid for fuck times.

Elisabetta's name came up when one of the club's hookers, a model from Paris named Karima, testified that she did coke with Elisabetta on October 21, 2008. Karima never said that Elisabetta was a fellow pussy peddler, but why was she doing the bad shit with her? Not that it matters. I'm sure George Clooney doesn't give a dick if Elisabetta used to be a coke whore or not. George makes sure that he dusts any white powder off his beard before they leave the house.

Meanwhile, my favorite former Georgie Girl, Sarah Larson, was just written up by her assistant manager for ALLEGEDLY stealing cans of Coke from the storage room. Sarah Larson has her own Coke scandal, so take that, Elisabetta!

Star Magazine has thrown a mistress into the Al and Tipper Gore break up saga, because that's just how they do. Thankfully, Al's supposed side piece isn't a cocktail waitress who is going to sell her story to The Insider and then come out with a dance song in a few months. Al's own Monica Lewinsky is allegedly Laurie David, the ex-wife of Larry David. Laurie was a producer on An Inconvenient Truth, and a source says that the two have been warming each other's globes for nearly two years.

Laurie and Larry quit each other in 2007 after it was rumored that she was doing it on the down low with the caretaker of their vacation house in Martha's Vineyard. Shortly after that, she fell in love with Al Gore while working with him to save the environment. A source says, “Al and Laurie went from friends to lovers. It couldn’t be avoided."

The source is right, this couldn't have been avoided. Everybody knows Al gets the hots south of his equator when he starts talking about melting polar caps and tears in the ozone layer. It makes Al just want to pull out a fair trade condom and spray his bio-degradable fluids all in it. And yes, he throws it into the compost pile afterwards.

But Laurie is denying all of this! Laurie tells HuffPo, "The story is completely untrue. It's a total fabrication. I adore both Al and Tipper. I look at them both as family. And I have happily been in a serious relationship since my divorce."

True or not, this mess needs to be featured on an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm.

Remember that episode of Desperate Housewives where the series creator Marc Cherry slappity slapped slapped Edie across the face after she sassed his ass one day? Well, you shouldn't remember it because it never happened onscreen, but it did go down behind the scenes. That's what Nicollette Sheridan is saying anyway.

TMZ reports that Nicollette filed a lawsuit against Marc Cherry saying that he was Joan Crawford to her Christina. In the documents, Nicollette claims that on September 24, 2008, Marc hit her in the face and head after she ate the last bear claw. No, he allegedly brought down his hand on her after she questioned something in the script. After Nicollette went to her trailer, Marc knocked on her door and begged for her forgiveness

When Nicollette complained to ABC about Marc's abusive ways, they didn't do anything about it. Marc's acts of cuntery got worse until he eventually fired her from the show.

Nicollette claims she wasn't the only one who suffered abuse at the hand of Marc Cherry Bomb. Nicollette says that he behaved in an "extremely abusive and aggressive manner toward the individuals who work on the show." She even says in the lawsuit that when Teri Hatcher complained to the network about Marc, he said out loud, "I hope Teri Hatcher gets hit by a car and dies."

Nicollette is suing for assault and battery, gender violence and wrongful termination. She wants $20 million or more.

The camera dudes on DH need to turn their lenses around and start following Marc Cherry's bald head. It sounds like he's the crazy bitch who really brings the theatrical bitchiness. I mean, who (allegedly) slaps Edie in the face? Edie's the one who does the slapping around there, not the other way around. If this mess is true, Marc needs to go sit next to the vending machine in the break room and leave the slapping to the professionals.

Shortly after Kate Winslet announced she was quitting her husband, everyone started screaming about the Best Actress Oscar CURSE! Charlize Theron, Hilary Swank, Reese Witherspoon and now Kate Winslet all split from their full-time pieces after winning Best Actress. I guess Oscar is a possessive asshole and doesn't like to share. Well, Sandra Bullock could be next in line to be bit in the ass by the Oscar curse. That's if you believe InTouch Weekly and a trick who goes by the name Bombshell. Bitch Boom Bye!

According to InTouch, while Sandra Bullock was off shooting The Blind Side in Atlanta, her husband Jesse James was blind siding her ass by passing his peen to Michelle "Bombshell" McGee. Yes, MCGEE! Why did InTouch have to do this to Sandra on today of all days? That leprechaun-tini really isn't going to taste the same to her today.

Michelle claims that she carried on an 11-month affair with Jesse after meeting him on Facebook. Michelle was interested in possibly modeling for Jesse's company, West Coast Choppers, so she sent them a friend request. Jesse personally wrote her back and asked her to e-mail him privately. After exchanging a few e-mails back and forth, Michelle met Jesse at West Coast Choppers one night. Jesse gave her a tour of the garage, and then took her back to his office to "watch movies." We all know what that means. Basically, Jesse stuck his disc in Michelle's slot.

But before they got down and dirty, Michelle asked Jesse about Sandra. He told her, "She doesn’t live here. She has a house in Austin. She is filming, and I can’t talk about it." Michelle and Jesse continued to do fucky times together for the next five weeks. Michelle claims they probably got it on two or three times a week. When they weren't bumping tats, they were texting each other constantly.

InTouch didn't offer up any picture proof, but Michelle did say that Jesse doesn't wear underwear or condoms. Michelle nicknamed him "Vanilla Gorilla," because of his big dick.

You know, mistress whores really are a dime-a-dozen (seriously, you can buy 12 for a dime at The Dollar Tree), so Michelle really needed to come hard here if she wanted to play. Now, I'm not saying that I would fall of my chair if this turned out to be true. Jesse was married to a porn star, so I doubt he's wearing a halo over his wang. But words don't mean shit nowadays. We're going to need pictures, videos, DNA, and several GIFs of the Vanilla Gorilla's banana. So until Michelle comes up real proof, she can take a seat with the other tricks. Tell my cousins I said "hi," Michelle.

But more importantly, what does CinnaBun have to say about this?!

Last year, adorable elf people Gael Garcia Bernal and Dolores Fonzi welcomed a baby son named Lazaro into this cruel, heartless world. You would think that a love affair between two magical elves would be filled with rainbows and empanadas, but according to TVyNovelas (via Guanabee) all is not well. Some source is saying that Gael has dumped Dolores and is accusing her of doing ho shit in the first degree.

Gael is about to summon the Maury gods, because he's not sure if baby Lazaro is his or not. Gael has been hearing that Dolores fucked around with film director Luis Ortega right before she got a case of the babies. So there's a chance that Luis' sperm made baby Lazaro.

While reading this scandalous shit, I felt like I was lying on my abuelita's bed watching one of her precious novelas. I was about to speak out, but remembered if I open my mouth during one of her favorites stories I'll get a slap in the teefs from her ring-covered hand.

And if this plays out like one of my abuelita's novelas, then Lazaro will turn out to be the switched baby of Dolores' long-lost evil twin sister who lives in a trailer at the carnival.

My glitter hole can exhale now, because ever since I first posted this picture of the world's sexiest gay white tiger (aka Before They Were Stars: Lady CaCa) I've been waiting for the right moment to open his cage door again so he pose, pounce and prance for those who didn't get a taste of his sweetness the first time around. Well, the time is here thanks to this Tiger Woods story from Radar. Put a quarter in gay white tiger's cup and read on....

I've been saying to myself that this whole Tiger Woods debacle really needs more dick if it wants to be inducted into the Scandal Hall of Fame. Well, one of Tiger's mistress whores is trying to make that happen. According to Loredana Jolie Ferriolo, Tiger not only likes to putt poon with his tongue, but he also likes to putt peen with his tongue. And if you want all the popper-scented details, you will have to stick a roll of a million $1 bills into Loredana's cleavage. That's how much Loredana wants for her story.

A source claims that Loredana is working on a tell-all book, which will describe Tiger's his "healthy appetite for arranged sex, threesomes, girls next door (MK note: MARY, how could you?!!!), girl-girl, and an answer to all the rumors surrounding Woods' sexuality."

Loredana's rep says she is in talks with several publishing companies regarding her tell-all.

There's a good chance that this Loredana trick is just sprinkling foil bits on our head and calling it glitter. The bitch's name is Loredana Jolie Ferriolo. Don't trust anyone who sounds like a third-rate villainess in a Jackie Collins novel. That being said, I will stay in my seat and patiently await the appearance of Tiger Woods' first gigowhore.

Cops from the Florida Highway Patrol knocked on Tiger Woods' door several times this weekend to interview him about murdering a fire hydrant and other things. Tiger's lawyer shut the door in the faces of the officers like they were Jehovah's Witnesses.

Apparently, Tiger is keeping his lips sealed. But Tiger did manage to release this statement on his website. Just picture Elin Nordegren standing over his ass with a golf club in her hand and a "BITCH DON'T" look in her eye while he wrote this. It'll make more sense that way.

As you all know, I had a single-car accident earlier this week, and sustained some injuries. I have some cuts, bruising and right now I'm pretty sore.

This situation is my fault, and it's obviously embarrassing to my family and me. I'm human and I'm not perfect. I will certainly make sure this doesn't happen again.

This is a private matter and I want to keep it that way. Although I understand there is curiosity, the many false, unfounded and malicious rumors that are currently circulating about my family and me are irresponsible.

The only person responsible for the accident is me. My wife, Elin, acted courageously when she saw I was hurt and in trouble. She was the first person to help me. Any other assertion is absolutely false.

This incident has been stressful and very difficult for Elin, our family and me. I appreciate all the concern and well wishes that we have received. But, I would also ask for some understanding that my family and I deserve some privacy no matter how intrusive some people can be.

The statement still wasn't enough for the FHP to drop the subject. TMZ says they are working on getting a search warrant, so that they can peek into Tiger's medical files to see if the scratches on his face came from the accident or Elin's CLAW OF REVENGE. If they find out that his injuries came from the hand of Elin, she could be arrested for domestic abuse.

Meanwhile, Tiger's rumored mistress whore Rachel Uchitel immediately rushed to Los Angeles this weekend to meet with lawyer to the famewhores Gloria Allred. Rachel has already publicly denied the affair, but that isn't stopping her from milking this cow until it is completely dry. And even then, she will continue to pull on its utters until its organs fall out. Or until she gets her own reality show. Either or.

Eddie Cibrian cheated on his wife with LeAnn Rimes, and now Life & Style is saying that he's cheating on her too. Cheating cheat cheats on cheatee. Are your windows rattling? That's from Eddie's wife jumping for joy while quoting Justin Timberlake.

According to Life & Style, Eddie has been doing down low sexy times with aspiring famewhore Scheana Marie Jancan. You may remember Scheana as her most famous role: John Mayer's rebound chick after Aniston.

A source said that Eddie has been secretly boning Scheana on-and-off for the past three years. Right after he started up with LeAnn, Eddie pink-slipped Schaena. But recently Eddie's peen has summoned Schaena back. The source went on to say, "Eddie has recently started seeing Scheana again. He told her he's only with LeAnn for the publicity and that he plans to end things with her soon."

If only LeAnn would stop with the damn squinting, she would've seen this coming a mile away.

And I've had my suspicions, but now I know for a fact that Eddie Cibrian's adult life is produced by Joey Greco.