SCANDAL

Bernie Madoff woke up singing THIS with a little morning wood this morning for the first time since he got little MaryJane Rottencrotch to sink her lemonade stand profits in to a LIFE CHANGING INVESTMENT!!!

Lady Dipshit sold tsunami relief bracelets for $5 stating all proceeds would go to the tsunami victims when in fact $3.99 went towards the shipping and handling (aka - her duct tape tuck fund).

Ari Kresch, some legal type fucker, teamed up with Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola and filed a lawsuit against Caca and her fluffers - Fulfillment House, Bravado International Group Merchandising Services, Universal Music Group, House of Gaga Publishing and Live Nation Merchandising, questioning the legitimacy (<-- SUCK IT STONEY!) of the charity... evidently sales tax being charged on a charitable item is frowned upon and a RED FLAG!!

You know fucking what, I would have been more willing to donate to a STFU bracelet sponsored by Chyna's clit and wouldn't have given two shits where the money went...

(Chyna's clit was not available for comment)

Two 30-something men were arrested outside of Joss Stone's house in England on Monday after police got a call about a "suspicious vehicle" trolling around the neighborhood. The suspicious vehicle was a Fiat. (Note: If you're going to partake in evil and shady schemes in a fancy neighborhood, don't do it in a Fiat.) When the police searched the vehicle, they found a bunch of shit that would make Kevin Costner's character in The Bodyguard SHUT IT DOWN and order everybody to a desolate cabin in the woods.

The cops found two swords, rope, a body bag, maps and aerial photos of Joss Stone's house. No, they were not planning on catching a wild turkey (with the rope), butchering it for a meal (with the two swords) and serving it to Joss on a waterproof picnic blanket (the body bag). Two swords, rope and a body bag can only mean one thing: MURDER PLOT! Did you read me, right? I typed: MURDER PLOT. This is the only acceptable reaction:

It is not known whether Joss was home at the time. The police wouldn't confirm the MURDER PLOT to BBC News but they are investigating it.

"Officers attended the area at around 1000 BST and subsequently arrested the occupants of a red Fiat Punto. Major crime detectives are continuing to investigate. Our officers are currently carrying out reassurance patrols and it's important to stress that no properties have been burgled and no individuals have been harmed."

Yes, I too read that as "Fiat Puto" and the images created by my brain will stay with me all day.

This is terrifying and Joss should surround herself with an army of Sean Beans, but TWO SWORDS? Who let the fanboys out of mom's basement? They do realize that Joss played Anne of Cleves in The Tudors and not Anne Boleyn?

Stay safe, Joss! And for once in your life, put on some damn shoes! Nike Airs, preferably. You can't outrun two sword-wielding crazies if your ass is barefoot! Now is not the time to be a hippie!

This past weekend at a show in Detroit, Lauryn Hill declared to the audience that she's taking a break from showing up 3 hours late to concerts to tend her 6th child who is currently leasing space in her womb. Most of us figured that Lauryn's boyfriend of forever and father of her 5 kids, Rohan Marley, was the one who blew her ovaries a testicle kiss full of semen. Rohan says that we would be wrong in assuming that.

Rohan sang every track on his new album The Misspermification of Lauryn Hill yesterday on Twitter and subtly denied with a creepy wink that he's not the daddy. Ro's Twitter denial has since been deleted, but Chron.com broke it down for us:

Soon after Lauryn Hill announced that she is pregnant with her sixth child, Rohan Marley took to Twitter to state that he was not the father (Maury Povich style!). Hip-Hop Wired tweeted a link to their story announcing Hill’s pregnancy. Soon after, a tweet from @RoMarley, replied, “2 things, I’m not married and I don’t have anyone expecting anything.”

The Rohan Marley Twitter account is verified, so we’re going to assume that it’s really him. As far as the baby not being his, a Clutch Magazine writer by the name of @BritniDWrites engaged him in further conversation. She tweeted to him, “so we are clear: 1) you’re not married to your ex-wife or Lauryn, and 2) she isn’t preggo w/your child, but someone else’s?”

His response was a vague, “That is correct until I say out of my mouth to the contrary.”

The writer replied, “Ok. I’ll take it. But you do realize that the ‘until I say something contrary’ addendum cast doubt on your statement.”

The last thing Marley tweeted her was, “trust me, the info out there is so incorrect for so many years…Thx for twitter. I check a few things.”

Was it White Oprah who said, "Lines aren't for reading between they're for snorting?"

Why doesn't Rohan just come out and say it. Typing "I AM NOT THE FATHER" is easier than typing a bunch of Scooby Snacks with no protein. Stop beating around my bush, Ro! (No, seriously, please don't beat around any of my bushes because I don't think prenatal vitamins mix well with morning whiskey.)

Rohan just sounds like a major asshole with dick that makes a bitch loopy. No wonder Lauryn went crazy. She squatted on the tip and she's never been the same since.

Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted that he fathered a secret love child over ten years ago when The Los Angeles Times started poking at his dangling baby batter bags (ugh) and asking all sorts of questions. There's a story going around today that Maria Shriver is the one who planted the seed in The L.A. Times that grew into Arnold's nightmare. TMZ says that when Arnold told Maria that he made a baby with their former maid, the glare of a lightning bolt illuminated her skeletal face, showing the look of malicious revenge in her eyes.

If my husband of a million years fucked a secret baby out of the maid and lied to me about it, I'd pay him back by spray painting the word WHORE all over his car right after I verbally assaulted him at his job. This is what most people would do. But the Kennedys are not most people. They hold press conferences! A source says that Maria wanted to pull the blanket off of Arnold's scandal during a press conference. Maria's people quickly talked her out of that idea and advised her to leak the story to the L.A. Times instead. Arnold apparently knows that it was Maria who threw up the jig.

I have now learned that Maria Shriver is not the one to screw with. Maria will destroy you even if it means a teenager will now be called the Latino Schwarzenegger by his classmates at school. I have also learned that I will do whatever (or whoever) it takes to win one of those golden fist awards.

Because Dr. Quinn, medicine woman, knows all, Jane Seymour was one of the first to say The Sperminator spawned at least two more secret love children and she wouldn't be surprised if there's more out there (cue up The X-Files theme). According to biographer Ian Halperin, there are more mini Ahnolds in the world who can bench press 100lbs with their eyeballs and rip a onesie just by flexing their baby biceps. Basically, when Arnold wasn't groping on anything with lady nipples, he was spraying his load everywhere.

Ian tells the Daily Mail that he has spoken to six women who claim that Mildred Baena isn't the only side piece whose eggs got turned into Schwarzeneggs (sorry for that). Ian goes on to explain, "You’re going to see a plethora of other women come out of the woodwork."

The Daily Mail piece also claims that Arnold never gets down with "gorgeous women" because he doesn't want to be upstaged by their beauty and needs his women to worship him. Arnold has forever been Austria's biggest man whore and he sees most women as objects who are only here to give his ego an erection.

What I'm learning about all of this is that if reincarnation exists, Arnold will definitely be reincarnated into a male seahorse in an ocean of female seahorses. Arnold will become the Michelle Duggar of male seahorses. I'm also learning that this is turning out to be exactly like the Tiger Woods saga. But instead of cocktail waitresses selling their gross stories to The National Enquirer, we're about to get a dozen "Yup, I'm Arnie's secret love child too!" covers of American Baby Magazine.

If the #1 item on Arnie's cum bucket list is to go into the Guinness Book of World Records as the slut who has heard Maury say the words "You ARE the father!!!" the most times, then bitch is well on his way to achieving that goal.

And shit just got escandalosoier (escandalosier is a word that was born just to describe this mess). At about the same time The Sperminator's sperm Austrian front hugged Maria Shriver's ovary, he did the same thing to his housekeeper/side-piece Mildred Baena. Maria and Mildred were knocked up with Arnold's baby at the same time. I've said this before, but this saga truly has all the ingredients for the kind of prime-time novella that would make my abuelita slap me in the mouth if I talked to her during it (the true sign of some good shit).

TMZ posted the above picture of Mildred laughing without a care in the world at her baby shower in 1997. Maria's "care" should be that she's carrying her boss' baby and she's defying the laws of Maury by telling everyone that it's her husband's (they have since divorced) child.

Maria gave birth to Christopher on September 27, 1997. Less than a week later, Mildred birthed out Arnold's secret love child on October 2, 1997.

I didn't think it was possible, but Arnold actually out-whored and out-dimwitted Tiger Woods! Hell, Arnold even out-whored my own father who previously held California's gold medal for man whoring. Take a bow, Arnold! Imagine what those boys are thinking. They should be thinking about what really matters. Take it from me. When my mother told me I had a half-brother the same age as me, I only asked her if he was better looking than me (answer: yes) and if my dad spent more money on him (answer: yes). You know, the important questions!

There are many mysteries that take hours of time and resources to solve like the whereabouts of Osama bin Laden, the ingredients of whatever Taco Bell puts in a shell and why my dog kicks his leg uncontrollably when I pet his side. (Full Disclosure: I have not solved the last one, but I am close!) One mystery that didn't take hours to solve was finding out the identity of the woman who cooed when Arnold Schwarzenegger said to her: "I'll be bareback!" Just hours after Arnold admitted he fathered a love child over ten years ago, Radar reported that his longtime housekeeper Mildred Baena IS LA MADRE!!!! And I am reporting that Charo is already in negotiations (in my dreams) to play 50-year-old Mildred Baena in the Telemundo Sunday afternoon movie version of this mess.

Radar's sources say that Arnold and Mildred crotch bumped without protection (thank you, Detective DUH) all over the house and they never got caught. Mildred never stayed the night and she made sure to thoroughly clean their puddles of sex secretions. I smell a book deal (among other things) coming towards Mildred. Mildred Baena's Guide to Scrubbing Out the Evidence That You're Down Low Fucking You're Boss!

During her pregnancy and for years after, Mildred never told The Sperminator that he made a baby with her. Arnold never put two and two together when he noticed that the boy could bring down an entire jungle gym by touching it with one finger. Mildred finally told Arnold about their son when the kid was a toddler. The boy is now in his teens.

Mildred's MySpace page has more pictures of her striking hot poses like the one above as well as pictures of her son. If her son shouted "GET TO THE CHOPPAH!", I'd definitely get to the choppah, because he looks exactly like a miniaturized Conan the Barbarian.

I'm sure bitches are already dousing Mildred with massive amounts of shit, but I won't do it. I feel connected to Mildred. I swear that I've eaten Juan Pollo next to her at one of my cousin's backyard parties. These are the same parties where the dog barks the entire time and my cousin is too cheap to rent chairs so we all have to sit on the brick planter. Mildred will whisper in my ear that the chicken is dry and then she'd go on about how she recently sponge painted her guest bathroom in various shades of lavender. It looks REALLY nice. It's like I know her! And besides, I only have pure love for a woman who poses with all of her Christmas gifts.

That is the National Enquirer's headline, but they underlined, bolded and leaned the "with a guy" part for maximum dramatic effect. You know, it feels like Miss Benita is whispering this into your ear while waiting in the line for the bathroom at church. Cooch clutch your kegel beads, etc...

An eyewitness tells the Enquirer (via Boy Culture & Towleroad) that Zac chose an NBA party at the W Hotel to openly show his love for the peen by following around a hot buff piece. The hot buff piece must cum Creme de la Mer and have ass lips that taste like blueberry lip gloss, because the witness says that Zac kept at him all night. Zac's on-and-off-again girlfriend Vanessa Hudgens was there and she really didn't give a Mickey Mouse shit that he was on a new crotch.

And at one point, Zac and the object of his erection held hands! The surprised witness will explain it for you: "I was shocked at how relaxed and open Zac was with this guy. He walked around talking to him, smiling and holding his hand right in front of everyone, including Vanessa. People were wondering if maybe it was a stunt to make Vanessa jealous. But truthfully, Zac really seemed into the guy. It was bizarre."

Yeah, yeah, yeah... We're living in a time where babies learn how to take undetected cell phone video of a ho before they learn how to talk, so where is the proof? I'm going to tell the Enquirer what I tell every bitch on Craigslist who brags that they've got a mushroom head 8-incher: show me the pictures, bitch!

(Thanks to Mark for sending this mess in)

There has been a blind item or two suggesting that Julia Roberts and Javier Bardem did some Fuck Cum Hump shit during and after they shot Eat Pray Love together, and now that rumor is chipping at the Elmer's Glue that holds her marriage to that Danny Moder dude together. The rumor really sort of took off when Julia slobbered like a horny Mastiff while saying that if Javier doesn't get an Oscar nomination for Biutiful, then we should all just go to bed.

Yes, because we all know that if you praise someone in public, it means that you've had their sex fluids on several parts of your body at least a few times. Your vagina is doing the talking while your face mouth is just moving. Yes, that's how it works. While Julia was talking about Javier winning the Oscar, she thought about the time she painted his peen gold and then held it while giving an acceptance speech. That happened, obviously. And that's what Julia's husband Danny is starting to think.

A source (aka an intern who's into horse and German Shepard porn) tells The National Enquirer (via SS) that Danny is sniffing Julia's mouth for the spicy scent of hot picante Spanish chorizo. The source yanks all of our dicks while saying, “There’s talk around Hollywood that the reason Julia’s singing Javier’s praises so much is because they hooked up. I’m sure Danny can’t help wondering if where there’s smoke, there’s fire! Behind closed doors, all is not well. The fire between Julia and Danny has seemed to have cooled. I think Javier came along and provided a fun distraction. Now the strain of battling the crazy rumors about her and Javier is pushing Julia and Danny to their breaking point.”

Penelope Cruz doesn't need to drop her baby and pick up a shank to cut a ho. Julia and Javier are not fucking. Not today. Not ever. Yes, Javier is giving Julia sex eyes in the picture above, but it's not what you think. Javier isn't imagining licking on her teeth in a private room. No. Javier is wishing he had Chiclets like Julia's since his original baby teeth never fell out. Javier wishes that his laugh could spook a snake.

Okay, so Mary Harvey is not totally like Tricia Walsh-Smith completely. Watching Tricia Walsh-Smith is like watching a sun damaged ostrich high on bath salts. Mary Harvey is more like a well-behaved French bulldog on human ludes. But both Tricia and Mary are fighting the same fight. Both want the truth of their asshole ex-husbands out there! Just like Tricia, Mary has taken to YouTube to spread her truth to the public. Mary goes hard on her ex-husband Steve Harvey and paints him as a cold-hearted man skank who dropped her for his side piece Marjorie (it's always a MARJORIE!) and then turned her own son against her. Based on that description alone, you just know Tyler Perry has already bought the film rights to Mary's YouTube Channel. Tyler is going to write, direct, produce and play both MARY and STEVE.

Mary goes on to say that her marriage died the day she accidentally received a filthy, dirty letter from Marjorie to Steve. Shortly after that, Steve put Mary out and moved Marjorie in. Mary says that she was with Steve when he had nothing and the two built their fortune together, but he didn't even give her a roll of toilet paper to wipe her ass with when their marriage ended. Steve left Mary homeless and broke.

Mary decided to set the shit straight in a series of YouTube confessionals, because Steve has filed a lawsuit against her. Steve, who thinks he's some sort of relationship expert, claims that Mary is the reason why he didn't get a show on Oprah's network. Since Mary's going around talking about Steve's passing the peen antics, Oprah didn't think he was the right person to be giving relationship advice on her network. To which I say....why not?! I mean, I'd pay good money to see Tiger Woods read from Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. Not because I'm looking for relationship advice from Tiger Woods, but because that shit would be funny.

Mary says a lot more and you can press "play" if you need to know what that more is. I went as far as I could. It was kind of hard to watch, because the only question that kept pounding into my head was: "MARY, why the fuck did you wear that shade of lipstick for your YouTube debut?!" That lipstick makes her look like somebody siphoned the life right out of her. Like Steve Harvey siphoned the life right out of her. Now that I think about it, that's probably what Mary was going for. Points for that.