Crazy

Kirstie Alley has signed a deal (in donut frosting) with A&E to star in her own reality show. This shit is going to make the bitches on Hoarders, Intervention and Obsessed look like healthy and sane individuals.

Radar says that cameras will start rolling this month. The show will mostly focus on Kirstie's struggle with losing the chunk. And I'm sure the show will also follow Kirstie as she hides in Jamie Foxx's bushes and steals used condoms out of his trash can. Seriously, those of you who have been to the Land of Crazy (aka Kirstie's Twitter page) know what I'm talking about. Kirstie loves Jamie Foxx almost as much as she loves deep fried barley. Almost.

Here's a few recent examples:

"Enough of haters. Haters are lonely little rat people with 3 followers who love to hate also. Let's talk about LOVE stuff. LOVE Mr. Foxx!"

"I'm going to make a big announcement on Oprah TUESDAY..No, I'm not pregnant with Mr. Foxx's love child.....that I know of"

"I think the baby name will be JAIMTIE ALLEY FOXX ...gotta admit it's original...and NO ONE else will steal it!"

"Gotta go make love to Mr. Foxx... He hates it when i keep him waiting.. Be back in 7 hours unless he's over the flu. In which case... 9"

Actually, I'm going to excuse myself now, because that kind of looks like my diary entries about Anderson Cooper. Hmmm...I wonder if the free clinic has opened a psych ward yet?

File this under: This is why you don't sleep nekkid with animals who can bite your parts off in the middle of the night (insert a million simultaneous side-eyes here).

About a year ago, one of Bai Ling's ex-boyfriends gave her a $30,000 cheetah-cat as a gift. Bai named the chee-pussy Quiji (pronounced chee-jee). According to crazy ass Bai, Quiji's dad is a cheetah and her mother is a regular ole' domestic cat. Yup, Quiji's mother was a hardcore slut, because she was getting from a damn cheetah.

Anyway, Bai tells PeoplePets that Quiji is her soulmate, because she believes she was a wild pussy in her past life, "In my previous life, I was a cheetah or leopard or some sort of really wild and dangerous animal in nature. But the thing is, Quiji is really the most affectionate, even compared to human beings."

But Quiji is a little too affectionate, because she tried to eat one of Bai's nipples during a make-out session in bed. Bai explained, "I sleep naked ... She was kissing me, and suddenly, she woke up. She saw my nipple, and oh my God, she went for it. If I wasn't fast, my nipple is gone. She thought it was a toy or something."

First of all, we really don't need to know about Bai playing with her pussay in bed. Second of all, THIS CRAZY should not be closing her eyes around a wild animal. This is how bitches lose fingers, faces and more! Bai has some serious nipples, so Quiji probably thought it was a jumbo Tendervittle. Bai could at least sleep with thimbles on her nipples and clitty. Bai does not want to have a "MY PUSSY BITE ME IN MY BAGINA" moment.

TMZ reports that the cops were called to Brittany Murphy's Hollywood house at 2:30 this morning after neighbors say she was screaming on her balcony about hearing gun shots in her yard. When officers strolled up, Brittany continued to freak out about the supposed shoot out. After conducting a short investigation (aka using their common sense for two seconds), the police figured out that the noise was coming from an angry generator.

And upon further further inspection, they declared the generator NOT GUILTY, because the noise was actually Brittany Murphy's weather balloon lips popping again. Don't worry though, the cops drove her to the nearest gas station and attached her lips to an air pump. So Britt is back to normal.

You know, I shouldn't make fun of this crazy since I have been known to jump in bushes after hearing a car's engine backfire. You never know when a Mop Head, or a Wonky, or a Hagel is coming after your ass.

It's the Tommy Girl Hour of Crazy since this is my second post in a row on everyone's least favorite homo-midget. If I go for three, this website will suddenly become Hubbardlisted and anyone who has ever commented on a Tommy post will never be heard from again. We'll all become Suri's slaves. Let's not cross that spaceship bridge....

While watching American Pyshco, I just knew that Patrick Bateman's "skin-crawling" smirk and crazy eyes seemed strangely familiar. That's because Christian Bale used Tommy Girl as his inspiration for the sexiest serial killer in North America. But instead of violently jumping on couches, Patrick Bateman violently jumps on cooches.

Mary Harron, the director of American Psycho, told BlackBook Magazine about how she developed the character of Patrick Bateman with Christian Bale, "It was definitely a process. We talked a lot, but he was in L.A. and I was in New York. We didn’t actually meet in person a lot, just talked on the phone. We talked about how Martian-like Patrick Bateman was, how he was looking at the world like somebody from another planet, watching what people did and trying to work out the right way to behave. And then one day he called me and he had been watching Tom Cruise on David Letterman, and he just had this very intense friendliness with nothing behind the eyes, and he was really taken with this energy."

Cue Tommy screaming to Christian, "You and me are fucking done professionally!"

HAHAHAHA! Doesn't it make your soul sing to think that a crazed maniacal lunatic like Tommy was the inspiration for a crazed maniacal lunatic like Patrick Bateman?! They both make my asshole clench up like a cold wind is passing through, so this makes all kinds of sense! The only difference is that I'd probably unclench my fuck part for Patrick as long as he put the chainsaws, rats and cheese in the other room.

Usually when you have a fight with your common-law husband, you hit him over the head with a frying pan, shank him in the neck with an ice-pick or call his mother to tell her that you caught him jacking off to her picture in the bathroom. You know, you get your revenge the normal way. Well, some crazy ho in Texas went way too far when she decided to pull a Fatal Attraction on her common-law husband's goldfish.

USA Today says that the police in Pasadena, TX were called to a home by a man claiming his wife fried up their goldfish and ate 'em up after an argument. When they arrived, they found a plate with four fried goldfish on it. The crazy bitch admitted that she ate 3. And you know there was a tiny fried fin hanging out of her mouth when she confessed to it.

The man said they had an argument after he took back some joo-ree he bought for her. When he refused to give it back to her after she begged, she grabbed the fish out of their bowl and made herself a snack fit for a lunatic.

After the police gave the woman a "Are you a fucking cat?" side-eye, they told the couple it was civil matter they had to work out themselves. No charges were filed.

Obviously, the man needs to get back at her by frying her joo-ree and swallowing that up. And at least the two didn't have any pet bunnies or puppies.......

(Thanks Larissa)

Randy Quaid and his wife Evi were busted in Marfa, Texas yesterday after Santa Barbara County in CA issued an arrest warrant against the two for skipping out on a $5,546.96. hotel bill. Both the San Ysidro Ranch in Santa Barbara and also the Hotel Bel-Air say Randy and Evi slept, drank and ate at their hotels without paying up! Hmm. My ass should check out these joints, because the establishments I frequent make me pay upfront for the full hour IN CASH.

Randy and Evi paid their $20k bail and are back on the loose. Brace yourselves, Motel 6!

Shortly after they sprang from the joint, Randy and Evi issued a hand-written statement to TMZ claiming they didn't stiff anyone. They also attacked a copy of a cashiers check they used to pay their bill at the San Ysidro Ranch. So, who to believe? Oh, who gives a bitch! At least we got to see these amazing mug shots.

Randy and Evi look like two cult members who have been living in a makeshift cave under the highway for a few years. Seriously, I love how mug shots always capture the crazy perfectly.

Kelly Rutherford from Gossip Girl (or more importantly, the hooker with a heart of gold from the original Melrose Place) was granted a temporary restraining order against her estranged husband, Daniel Giersch, because she claims he is effing up her life with his threats and overall craziness. This is just the latest lukewarm butt nugget in the filthy dirty custody battle between Kelly and Daniel.

According to the documents, Kelly says Daniel has been following her, her nanny and her mother. This caused the nanny to quit, because Daniel would constantly harass her and ask her questions about Kelly. Kelly claims that last week, when the nanny wouldn't give up any info, Daniel threatened to sue her ass. Kelly, who is a proud member of the La Leche League, also added that she can't make enough titty milk for her 3-month-old, because Daniel has caused her stress. Does Kelly have Salma Hayek's number in her rolodex, because she can squirt the leche under any condition! Bombs could be dropping around her, but that wouldn't stop Salma's "heal the world" chichis from feeding everyone.

The judge ordered that Daniel must stay at least 100 yards away from Kelly's life. The only time he's allowed near her home or car is when he's on a court-ordered visit with their kids Hermes & Helena.

Daniel's lawyer farted back at the claims and said Kelly is making it all up.

And I'm not Match.com or anything, but I think we need to set up a date (in a mental hospital) between Daniel and Anne "Celestia" Heche. That right there is a match made in straitjacket heaven.

VIA People

Paula Abdul showed those idiotic American Idol producers just exactly what they're missing out at last night's DIVA Live concert. You can't put a price on this kind of potent crazy. Paula, who hosted the show, poked at Ellen Degeneres' prune box by dressing up as her and imitating her "penguin with hemorrhoids" moves to perfection. And it was nice of Kim Zolciak to lend her weekend merkin (for when Big Poppa wants a little fur on his teeth) to Paula Abdul to wear as a head wig.

Before Paula channeled her inner perky butchie, she opened the show with a medley of her greatest hits (below) and this is going to go down in lip-synch HISTORY. I don't even think Paula was moving her lips. But in her defense, her mouth was probably numb due to mixing massive amounts of Tijuana-bought Vicodin, daytime Benadryl and Pepsi Zero.

My favorite moment of the entire show is when Paula almost stumbled into the audience at the 1:14 mark. YES! Ellen could never do the pill popper stumble even if she tried.

Paula's performance could also double as a live re-creation of the Hindenburg disaster.

Anne Heche told the world that her ex-husband Coley Baffoon was a lazy loser and he told the world that she is a mean mean lady. So it's no surprise that a court has ordered that a perfectly sane adult needs to teach these two twats how to get along as parents. TMZ reports that a court-ordered "parenting plan coordinator" will be paid $375/hr to hold their hands and teach them how to make joint decisions together when it comes to their son Homer.

While I agree that these two need classes on how not to eff up their kid, I think they also need classes on how to behave like grown-ups who don't shit in their hands and throw it at each other (that wasn't meant for you Tommy Girl, carry on with your scat play). I'm sure Dr. Phil will volunteer his services. He works for relevancy. They just have to do the complete opposite of whatever Dr. Phil says. It's that easy.

And we should start taking bets on how long it will take for the parenting coach to strap themselves into a straitjacket and check into the nearest loony bin.

Drew Barrymore went to the TIFF premiere of her movie Whip It looking crazier than a Courtney Love tweet. This what bees look like when you drop acid. But you know, it works for her.

Even though her hair looks like a dirty broom that was used to clean the chimney, I don't hate HATE it. Yes, I've been eating a lot of sugar.

And Drew better have used a Sharpie to paint that black stripe on her mop or I'll take back everything I just typed!