Heather Locklear

Here's the teaser trailer for Amanda Woodward's long-awaited return to Melrose Place in two weeks. Personally, I'd rather the trailer feature Amanda pushing Asshole Simpson in front of a fast-moving bus driven by Dr. Kimberly Shaw, but this will do too.

And I really hope the writers explain why Amanda suddenly has a face like Billy the Puppet.

The new Melrose Place is lacking....well....EVERYTHING. What that shit needs is a genuine bitch in a power suit to stroll in there and slap some excitement into it. Well, first they need someone to slap Asshole Simpson, because bitch is always asleep at the acting wheel. Asshole's elbows play a more pivotal role in that show than she does. Those who watch this crap know what I'm talking about.

Anyway, back to the bitch at hand. UsWeekly says that Amanda Woodward will return to Melrose Place to beat ass and take names! Amanda will make her first appearance on the November 17th episode. Amanda needs to take a page out of Kimberly's crazybook and blow that BITCH up again, because they need to start over again.

The show's executive producers issued this statement: "Heather's involvement in the show is something we've been working on for some time as we couldn't imagine creating and producing this show without the iconic character's inclusion."

Now that the light of Melrose Place has returned, maybe that show won't be so damn dark anymore. Like, literally dark. I know most of the new hos on that show are dim bulbs, but that shit is ridiculous! Seriously, turn a light on. Watching that mess makes me feel like I have cataracts.

Amanda Woodward was arrested this past weekend for driving while being wasted and it looks like she was set up! TMZ reports that a nosy hag who goes by the name of Jill Ishkanian is the bitch who snitched to the police and the paparazzi about Heather Locklear.

And Jill isn't just your normal dumb bitch snitch. Jill used to work for UsWeekly and was investigated by the FBI for allegedly hacking into the magazine's computer database to find celebrities after she left the joint.

Jill had been following Heather around Montecito while she was doing boring shit like going to the supermarket. Jill called 911 when she witnessed Amanda get into her car. Jill told the cops Heather was boozing even though she wasn't. DUH! Allison Parker is the one who loves the bottle.

Right after she reported Heather, Jill called the paparazzi to let them know what was about to go down. The rest is history.... Heather was arrested and later let go. The police say booze wasn't involved, but they are testing to see what Heather was on. She was probably just HIGH on life and Jill hates that!

Basically, Jill is working for someone who can't stand to see Heather happy! It makes her vagina scream, her eyeballs bulge and her mouth produce the word "CUNT." You know who I'm talking about: Denise Richards! I can smell her pig's shit all over this story. And to think that I was actually on her team and she goes on does this! Irv Richards is not going to be happy about it.

At least one good thing came out of this whole thing. We got this amazing mug shot of Heather looking forever glamorous. Seriously. This needs to be her next L'Oreal Paris ad. Because you're worth it!

Amanda Woodward aka Sammy Jo aka Officer Stacy aka Heather Locklear was arrested last night in Santa Barbara County reports TMZ. Heather was pulled over by the CHP and arrested on suspicion of driving while fucked up. Officials say that booze was not involved, but they tested her and are awaiting the results to see what Heather was on. Can you say D-O-L-L-S?

The cops released her this morning on her own recognizance. Heather didn't have to post bail.

It was just two months ago that Heather checked out of a rehab facility in Arizona, where she was receiving treatment for anxiety and depression.

Also, Richie Sambora was busted for DUI last March with Heather's daughter in the car. Their matching mug shots will look lovely together in the family album.

Speaking of mug shots, you know Heather worked that shit like it was a photo shoot. At least I hope so. I also hope that the cops figure out this was all just a set-up. Obviously, that jealous bitch Allison Parker is at it again! She probably drugged Amanda. I never trusted Allison's "apple pie" act. Amanda will be vindicated! And then she'll probably check herself into rehab again...

UPDATE: Aaaaaand we've got a mug shot! DAMN! What in Kimberly Shaw hell happened to Amanda Woodward? Pill popping (or whatever she's on) is a bitch! It brings out the crazy eyes in poor Amanda. The cops should have at least let her go and fix up her face in the toilet area. She's fucking Amanda Woodward? Do you think this will be her next L'Oreal Paris ad?

You know, if Heather Locklear went back to that look above, all her problems would go away. That right there is sheer glamour. Actually, I think her hair is still kind of like that.

People reports that Heather has completed four weeks of treatment for anxiety and depression. Friends told People that she spent her time at the Arizona facility riding horses, getting spa treatments and hanging out with herself. That's called a fucking vacation. A really nice vacation. A really nice and expensive vacation.

One of Heather's friends said that she's doing much better, "She told a really funny story and she laughed from her core. That's when I knew she was going to be fine. I think that's the best part of all – it's so nice to hear her laugh." The joke probably involved Denise Richards' weepy snatch, an otter and a few dozen truckers. And when the friend said "she laughed from her core," does that mean she laughed so hard she pooped herself? I do that all the time.

Welcome back, Heather! It's time to get back to work. And I'm talking about a "Melrose Place" spin-off! If they can do it with "90210," they can do it with MP!

People reports that Heather Locklear has checked herself into a facility in Arizona to treat psychological issues.

Her rep said, "Heather has been dealing with anxiety and depression. She requested an in-depth evaluation of her medication and entered into a medical facility for proper diagnosis and treatment. This is a confidential medical matter and no further statement will be released."

Heather started taking meds in 2006 after she divorced Richie Sambora. This past March, a friend called 911 because they were afraid Heather was suicidal.

Denise Richards, this is your fault. I blame you.

There's a soft spot in my charcoal heart for the robot call girl known as Denise Richards, but Heather Locklear is like family to me. Sammy Jo and Amanda Woodward helped raise me and they both taught me what really matters in this world: sex, money and power.

Feel better, Heather! Oh and stay out of the sun! Isn't it like ten million degrees in Arizona today? And Denise, go bury your head in pig caca!

If Robert Buckley wanted me to eat the jam from his toes, I would grab a box of Ritz crackers, a cheese knife and I would go to town. A dude with a body like that could only mean one thing....pencil peen! There has to be something physically wrong with me. That's ok, I can put quadruple up on condoms. It will add girth.

You may know Robert from "Lipstick Jungle," but I know this whore from that diarrhea show called "Fashion House." My TV hasn't fully recovered from me licking the screen every time he came on. Seriously, have you ever licked a TV screen? It shocks a little bit. I kind of like it.

Anyway, Robert is currently shooting "Flirting with 40" in Hawaii with Heather Locklear. Here's the walking fuck machine talking to Heather and Jack Wagner on set today. Even Jack wants to lick that shit.

Hisssssssss! Hissssss! This picture of Heather Locklear makes me want to say crawl under my bed, say 10 Hail Marys and hold on to my Garfield doll until it's all over. Actually, she sort of looks like Garfield in this picture.

When I first scanned by this picture, I thought it was Jocelyn Wildenstein screaming in pain from the sun melting her plastic face. Unfortunately, it's not a picture of Jocelyn. It's Heather shooting some movie in Hawaii. I need to go wash this image from my brain by watching clips of her as Sammy Jo in "Dynasty" over and over again.

I don't want to believe that Heather is capable of this kind of fugliness. Let's forget we ever saw this. We mustn't speak about it ever again. Put it in the closet, lock the door and throw away the key!

Heather Mills is not done fighting. Doesn't this bitch ever get tired? Fuck! Somebody slip an Ambien in this woman's haterade, because she needs a nap. Anyway, Heather is making plans to return to court in a bid to have her gag order lifted.

Heather is pissed that the judge's 58-page verdict was released and she can't say anything about it, because the hearing was covered by a confidentiality agreement. The judge basically painted her as a crazy ass gold digger. The truth fucking stings like Paris Hilton's cooze.

Heather's lawyer told the Daily Star, “Heather is very frustrated. She feels that it’s very unfair that the judgment should be printed in full when she cannot defend herself. She’s planning to apply to lift the ban. It was damning enough that the judge made his judgment so clear and vividly – no-one deserves that. It’s like a prolonged hanging for her.”

Heather could stand to make even more millions for media deals if the gag is lifted. The judge needs to gag this bitch permanently. It's for her own good, because it's making her insane.

Heather Mills must be possessed by the devil, because it's not normal for her to care so much. For some reason she really wants us all to know what a victim she is. Save it Heather! Get drunk, call a 1-900 number and spill your guts out to those bitches. They will really show you that they care.

Homegirl got her money and it's still not good enough. If I was her, I would be naked on a private beach drinking diamond water out of solid gold goblets with Yoko Ono.

And in other crazy bitch news, Heather is planning to fly first-class while her daughter flies coach! This is pretty hilarious, because last week Heather slammed Paul for doing the same thing. Oh Heather! Why stop at coach? Cargo is much cheaper! I shouldn't have said that. I don't want to give Heather any ideas.

TMZ reports that some bitch placed a 911 call claiming Heather Locklear was going to try and off herself. Amanda Woodward would never go down like that. The call was not made from Heather's house. The fire department and two paramedics were sent to Heather's Thousand Oaks home yesterday and quickly figured out Heather was fine. They checked out her out and found her to be responsive. They left 10 minutes later.

OH SHIT! I know who was behind this little prank. Allison fucking Parker! That bitch never got over the fact that Billy always wanted Amanda. Always! Get over it Allison! I knew that bitch wasn't as good as she pretended to be.