Peter Andre

Ever since Peter Andre and Katie Price separated, he has taken a vow of celibacy. My guess is that Peter just wants to let his genitals heal after being exposed to toxic levels of fake tanning grease.

Peter says that he doesn't need his nalgas caressed by a gentle hand, because he has chocolate! Peter tells OK! Magazine (via The Sun), "I've replaced it, I've got my chocolate, which the fans keep on bringing me. I'm living on it!"

Does Peter really expect me to believe that a piece of raw sex like him isn't getting his rocks off one way or another? Yeah, I know what Peter's really doing with that chocolate. A little Rolo in his holo. Uh uh. Peter is bringing new meaning to the word "butterfinger." And if you're ever at Peter's house, DO NOT eat the Cadbury Creme Eggs. That is not the kind of creme you want to lick on.

Harvey Price's biological father, Dwight Yorke, has slithered out of the gutter and is now ready to raise him as his own. If this doesn't deserve a FUCK OFF stamp from Harvey, I don't know what does.

Dwight, who jumped out of the picture shortly after Harvey was born 7 years ago, told the News of the World that he's always wanted to spend some time with his son, but Katie Price and Peter always put up a stop sign. Now that Peter isn't married to Katie, Dwight wants to be Harvey's full-time father. Dwight said, "Over the years I've heard Katie saying how Andre is Harvey's dad and what a terrible, uncaring father I've been, all of which sticks in my throat. Maybe if she hadn't made life so difficult for me, I might have been able to take a far more proactive role."

Dwight also said that when he found out Peter wanted to adopt Harvey, he was ready to choke the jizz out of him ( try not to touch yourself). Dwight said, "And then they had the gall to talk about Andre adopting him. I so, so wanted to grab him around the neck and throttle him for his insensitivity. So close. Having put up with everything his missus had thrown at me, I now had to listen to this idiot lecturing me on fatherhood? I don't think so. The guy's a muppet."

When the Daily Mail asked Peter about Dwight's comments, he took the dick out of his mouth and responded with, "I do not hate Dwight and I didn't realize he felt that way about me. But I have been a real father of Harvey and he calls me Daddy. I guess that sticks in Dwight's throat."

What's all this "sticks in my throat" shit?! Obviously, Peter and Dwight want to 69 each other.

I'm sure Harvey regularly kicks Peter in the face and wakes him up in the morning by stomping on his stomach, but he does it out of love. That's because Peter is his father. After all, the orange 'mo helped raise Harvey. So Dwight needs to fill out an application, take a number and get to the back of the line marked "Bitches Who Want To Spend Time with Harvey." And the line is looooong.

This adorable Benjamin Button baby should reverse the trend of grown-ups slapping children by backhanding Peter Andre in the face. Baby won't be arrested for it. In fact, the Queen would probably knight him. And you can tell by the look on baby's face that he really wants to punch Peter in the face. Or maybe he just has gas. Peter tends to bring that out in a person.

Here's more of Peter getting tan grease on a little baby while signing copies of his new CD in Essex, England the other day.

Peter Andre and Katie Price's marriage was put under the guillotine and quickly beheaded this morning at London's High Court. The Mirror says that Peter or Katie were not present when a judge declared their officially marriage over. Peter and Katie listed "unreasonable behavior" as the reason for their divorce. Any whore who has seen more than two seconds of their reality show would co-sign that wholeheartedly!

I will admit that this brings the sads just a little bit. I mean, look at the picture above. There was a time when these two were the most elegant and delicate crystal flowers in England (sorry, Jodie Marsh). They were so classy that they made everyone want to masturbate with a pinky But then Katie decided she wanted to clean herself up and stop being such a skank.

That's when I immediately jumped off, because I cannot condone a born and bred slut turning her back on her roots. After that, Katie & Peter just weren't the same for me. But at least we'll always have this stunning portrait of refinement. So, we should thank them for that!

In a TV interview with Piers Morgan, Katie Price says that she had a miscarriage just a few weeks before her marriage to Peter Andre ended.

Katie found out after she returned to England from America where she was shooting her reality show with Peter Andre and the kiddies. Katie says she was ten weeks pregnant when the doctors told her the fetus had no heart beat during a routine scan. After the doctor did some bloodwork, he thought there was a chance the baby was still alive, because the HGC levels were high. He called Katie in for another scan. She went on to say, "I went in thinking, 'He’s going to be great, he’s going to see a heartbeat.'" But the doctor told her that her baby had passed away.

Six days later she was running in the London Marathon, "I'm running along... and I'm trying to keep myself together, not to cry. I just wanted to say to people, 'Just leave me alone, I've just lost a baby.'"

Katie said that the loss of their baby had nothing to do with their marriage going sour. She says it was Peter's decision to quit their marriage, because he thought she was doing illegal sexy times with her horse-riding instructor Andrew. Katie denies that she ever rode her instructor. She also says she tried to make the marriage work, but Peter wasn't willing to try, "It was all down to Pete, he wanted this, not me. He's not as innocent as he's been making out."

When The Sun asked Peter Andre to comment on Katie's interview, his ass was not happy that she told the entire world about her miscarriage. His rep said, "It was Peter's child as well and Peter is devastated and deeply disappointed that Kate has chosen to speak out about this and their marriage. It is a private matter."

Ouch. I kind of felt the chill. Queens can be so bitchy during times of sadness (don't look at me like that). But I don't know why Peter Andre is clutching his pearl necklace (you decide what kind) in shock that Katie is sharing their business with everyone. I mean, Katie has already shared with us that Peter's peen is the color of butt butter, among other things.

I wonder what Harvey thinks about Peter leaving his mama je'e during such a sad time. I think he should express his feelings to the world in the form of an interpretive dance.

Peter Andre didn't care about effin' up his make-up when he burst into tears at the airport in Cyprus yesterday. The Sun says Petey broke down immediately when he was reunited with his mommy who flew in from Australia. A source said, "He was stunned to see his mum at the airport. She's been really worried about him, especially as he's lost so much weight. She wanted to see him for herself and comfort him. It was all too much for Pete and he just broke down."

Peter should really only be crying tears of joy, because look who is with him in Cyprus. It's HARVEY! Whenever Harvey is around, nobody should be sad. A smile from Harvey is like being embraced by a Snuggie made from rainbows. He also has the same effect on people when he tells them to "fuck off."

The one who should be crying is that gay slut Katie Price! While Peter gets to spend time with the greatest child on earth, she's spending time with the worst straight-for-fame hooker ever. Yes, Katie is still slutting around Ibiza with that supposedly straight dude ( insert queef noise here). You know what's making my soul cry? Those jeans tucked into those fugly ass boots! I'd have to keep my eyes up while sucking the peen, because if I looked down, I'd choke on my own laugh.

The wind beneath the world's wings, Harvey Price, turned 7 this week and while everyone on this planet cheered because they were so happy to be alive to celebrate this beautiful moment, Peter Andre cried orange tears in the middle of a bath house somewhere. That's because Katie Price refused to let him go to Harvey's birthday party.

Not only are Katie's chichis made of non-biodegradable materials, but so is her heart! It's one thing to suck on another man's taint on the floor of a club VIP room, but to not let Peter go to Harvey's big party?! How can the woman be sooooo cruel!!!?!!!

According to Metro, Peter apparently told a few of his friends (while they were playing "Spin the Dick on the Ass"), “Why has she done this to me? It makes me wonder if the cow ever really loved me in the first place.”

Obviously, she never did! You know how you show someone you hate them more than alarm clocks? You ban them from attending any event that Harvey Price will be at. Although, Harvey probably didn't care. He just wanted to know if Peter bought him a copy of Laterian Milton's Guide to Hood Rat Stuff or not.

Here's Katie Price, Princess Tiamamamaidamiadsmimi and Harvey at a theme park yesterday.

All the cherubs in heaven called in sick today, because they are still devastated over the news that Katie Price and Peter Andre's orange love has gone rotten. What really went wrong? Did Katie finally catch Peter peen-handed? What? What? What? Well, according to The Sun, these pictures were the jizz load that broke the whore's back.

After Peter saw pictures of Katie with her overgrown kumquats out, he immediately asked for divorce. Peter could no longer take seeing Katie rubbing her tittays all over random dudes. Um. Honestly, Peter's glitter box probably started percolating upon first sight of this dude in the picture above, so he should know better. I'm pretty sure that dude is a certified dick lover.

A few hours after Peter released the heartbreaking (not really) statement to the world, Katie Price released her own:

“Pete is the love of my life and my life, we have children together and I am devastated and disappointed by Peter’s decision to separate and divorce me. As I married him for life. This is not what I want and the decision has been taken out of my hands.”

Last night, Katie fled Britain with Princess Tiamamamammaiaiamaia and Junior in tow. Katie left Harvey behind with the nanny. WHAT IN THE FUCK SHIT FUCK WHAT HUH FUCK WHAT. Katie left Harvey behind?! Bitch has really lost. All the silicone, collagen, jizz and fake tanning grease finally seeped into her brains, because Harvey should be her everything. Without Harvey, she's nothing! Hearing that she left behind that precious angel hurts my soul more than her staged divorce. Harvey, I weep for you!!!

The couple made in spray tanning grease heaven has quit the love! Katie Price and Peter Andre announced through their management that famewhoring, fake titty balls, Dep Gel and orange caca is not enough to keep them together and they are separating after almost 5 years of marriage. They issued this statement to The Sun:

“Peter Andre and Katie Price are separating after four-and-a-half years of marriage. They have both requested that the media respect their families’ privacy at this difficult time."

What about Princess Tiamamamaiamiamai? What about Junior? What about the future of ITV2 in the UK? More importantly, WHAT ABOUT HARVEY?! Who the hell is Harvey going to tell off now that Peter Andre isn't around anymore. Harvey is going to scream "FUCK OFF" and Peter won't be there to hear it. That makes my soul cry. Although, Harvey is probably laughing himself into a fart storm, because he's in charge again. That's the way it should be!

And these two famesluts asking for privacy is like me asking for a vagina in a CROC. It doesn't make sense. Publicity stuntery!

After stinging your precious eyes with the pair of cokey snails in the post below, I thought I'd give you a pallet cleanser: HARVEY! Harvey truly is the sunshine. He's like a Care Bear! One picture of Harvey is the equivalent of 12 hours of watching the Shiba Inu 6 (never forget). Harvey's smile is so bright and shiny that he made Katie Price's shirt see-through! And Junior Andre didn't have highlights before, but when Harvey got all smiley, his hair was suddenly covered in bits of sunshine!

Here's Katie Price wearing a Rock of Love Bang Bus-approved outfit while out with Care Harvey, Princess Tiamamamaiamaimai, Big Gay Peter Andre and Junior in Malibu yesterday. Oh and those aren't stains on Harvey's clothes! The heavens cried when they saw him, so those are the globby tears of angels!