Keanu Reeves

Keanu Reeves is 48 years old and he usually looks like an eternally young vampire who's got an aging portrait of himself hanging in an attic somewhere. I'm guessing that Keanu wanted to throw people off of his trail, so he injected fat into his body, wonked his eye up a bit, pumped himself up with gas and got a double chin implant. Keanu walked off of a yacht in Cannes yesterday looking like a middle-aged  smoke shop manager who gambled away all his money and now lives under a bench at the beach and spends his days harassing women on the pier. You can't fool us, Keanu! We know you're still an ageless vampire under there.

And I'd hit Keanu circa 1995, Keanu circa 2005 and Keanu circa yesterday.

Director David Fincher claims that Robert Downey Jr.'s entitled ass would leave jars of his urine around the set of Zodiac as a protest against working overtime. You would think IN THIS ECONOMY, RDJ would appreciate the work. Then again, I'm assuming he doesn't punch a time clock. Fucking movie stars.

Fincher makes this claim in an interview in Keanu Reeves' new documentary about the film industry, Side By Side. Was everyone interviewed on a park bench or sitting on a curb in Los Angeles feeling glum? I'd totally watch cinematic treasure Martin Scorcese speaking with Sad Keanu beside a trash can.

In RDJ's defense, Fincher is known to be a notorious perfectionist who tends to terrorize his actors by doing 250 takes of a single scene. Imagine what he's like when his Vulcan girlfriend doesn't bounce on the D correctly? "AGAIN! DO IT AGAIN!" "But you came..." "I DON'T CARE! IT MUST BE PERFECTION!" No wonder her eyebrows keep falling off.

Also, it's completely possible RDJ was pissing himself out of fear and luckily he had containers around. They never caught The Zodiac. Supposedly the guy who did it is no longer with us, but still. Did you see that movie? You're sunning yourself with your beehived girlfriend beside a deserted lake and some guy in a homemade Ku Klux Klan/ninja ensemble comes lumbering up to stab you? No one wants to receive a crazy letter with a code and bloodstains in the mail. RDJ was probably Howard Hughes-ing cuz' he didn't want to go to the bathroom alone.

Keanu Reeves gently pushed out a subtle smile over the weekend to promote his movie Henry's Crime at the International Film Festival of Marrakech in Morocco. Keanu is 46 years old and his face skin is still as smooth as a Ken Doll's crotch. Either Keanu is on that Nicole Kidman stuff, or hapa don't crack! It's the latter. Hapa don't crack.

Keanu was probably in the middle of shaving off his beard when he got distracted by the sweet scent of a cupcake and dropped his razor to frown at it, but it works for me. It sort of looks like the furry outline of the Mushroom Kingdom.

Keanu Reeves really is the gift that keeps on giving. When he's not entertaining us by being sad, he's entertaining us by being happy. When he's not entertaining us by being happy, he's entertaining us by breaking important laws. When he's not entertaining us by breaking important laws, he's entertaining us by face farting all over a cupcake. And when he's not entertaining us by face farting all over a cupcake, he's entertaining us by doing Tai Chi in a shady part of NOWHERE in Los Angeles. THE FUCK?

At least I think he's doing a totally random session of Tai Chi, but he could also be doing something usually found deep in the mind of M. Night Shyamalan, or maybe he's invisible fishing?

Trying to bring out raw emotion in a movie is obviously not Keanu's true calling. Reinventing memes is!

Keanu Reeves was honored with an excellence in acting award (by a group of people who obviously haven't seen his work in Dracula.... or.... Little Buddha.... or Much Ado About Nothing.... or A Walk in the Clouds) at the Woodstock Film Festival, and Vulture used the opportunity to ask him if he was aware that he's the star of the internet meme "Sad Keanu."

Keanu said that his publicist has sort of told him about it, but he didn't know that there are thousands upon thousands of Photoshopped pictures of him looking sad next to everything from Forrest Gump to crying Dawson. The rest of their conversation went like this:

Seriously, though, this is one of the reasons I think one of the big appeals of you as an actor is that people are always straining to figure out what's on your mind, what you're thinking, why you're sad … There's thousands of people doing this.
Wow. So, what, now they're putting me next to other objects?

Yes! For instance, right now I'm looking at you in some Banksy graffiti, you next to a panda.
That's so funny.

You with a cheerleader, but you don't notice her …
Oh, that's funny. So they like take paparazzi pictures and re-contextualize them? Funny.

Exactly.
Well, it sounds like harmless, good clean fun.

What do you make of how your fandom is changing?
I don't know, I haven't seen it. That one, well, I guess, though, when you think of how bad that stuff can go, that sounds like a pretty good clean fun one to have happening.

Given the options …
Yeah, I haven't seen them. But given the scope and scale of what can happen out there, that sounds like an all right one. It sounds conceptually funny. [Laughs.]

But when Sad Keanu laughed, he still managed to do it while frowning with his eyes and crying with his mouth.

And I hope this means that Keanu isn't going to start smiling more. Every time Keanu makes a sadface, a happy John Denver song mysteriously shows up on someone's iTunes library to keep the world's emotions even and that's a good thing. The world needs more John Denver...and Sad Keanu.

(Image by iwanttorentawombat)

Who frowns at an innocent and sweet cupcake? Who stares at a cupcake as though it's the reason why their urethra is swollen to the point where the jizz just dribbles out? Who looks down at a cupcake like it's the cause of that annoying ass mosquito buzzing in their ear in the middle of the night and waking them up? KEANU REEVES DOES! Frowning at a cupcake is like frowning at a bowl full of kittens.

It's as if Mel Gibson and White Oprah simultaneously queefed on his cupcake. If something as perfect as a cupcake can't cure Keanu of the chronic sads, then what can?!

In his defense, Keanu is shooting some move called Generation Um, so it's possible that his character is the one who feels nothing when faced with a sugary cake of happiness. But Keanu makes it look so real. STAINS is still putting him on notice.

The saddest and loneliest hobo on the Internet is no longer the saddest and loneliest hobo on the Internet. Well, not today anyways. Keanu Reeves and a friend made smiles at each other outside of a Starbucks in Toronto this afternoon. Now I know how my mom felt on my 103rd day of preschool when I told her that I finally had met another kid who didn't throw his banana slices at my face when I tried to talk to him (okay, I told her this a couple of weeks ago).

And while some of you might be happy to see that Keanu is actually smiling with his mouth, I'm more excited to see him sitting like a classy lady should!

The saddest and loneliest hapa hobo in all the land smoked a ciggie, drank some coffee and had a funny conversation with his phantom friends (who are made out of air and smog) in a parking lot in NYC today. And Keanu did all of this in front of 3 NO LOITERING signs. Whoever put up those signs was triple serious about NO LOITERING shit, but Keanu is doing it anyways. I swear, celebwhores get away with everything! Someone should've CITIZEN ARRESTED his ass. Or maybe they just felt sorry for Keanu the same way the whole internet has for months.

STONER LOVE ALERT! Maybe.

Charlize Theron and Keanu Reeves, who did acting stuff together in The Devil's Advocate and that Dying Young knock-off, gave each other hugs and kisses after leaving a restaurant in Beverly Hills last night. At one point while they were waiting for their cars, Charlize slipped her hand in Keanu's jacket. Oh, I'm sure bitch was just trying to steal his wallet or snatch his last joint. It doesn't mean anything.

Even this video from TMZ of Charlize and Keanu hugging and kissing doesn't prove that they are High Times Magazine's IT couple of the year. Eating a pot brownie in the bathroom of a restaurant will cause you to hug anything from a fire extinguisher to a Bush to a hobo wearing a scarf (aka Keanu Reeves).

Meanwhile in a crazy house somewhere in Canada, Karen Sala is gnawing on her straitjacket in between screaming about how Shape-Shifter Keanu Reeves has struck again!

Remember Karen Sala, the Crazy McCrazanadian who swore on her straitjacket that Keanu Reeves was the biological father of her four adult children? Even after Maury Povich gave Keanu the thumbs up and declared that he wasn't the father, Karen still shouted from the top of the trash heap in her kitchen (she strikes me as the Hoarders type) that his sperm and her egg made several baby omelets.

And Karen has a case for herself! Karen dragged Keanu's lawyers back to court and offered up these three AMAZING reasons for why his DNA didn't match up. It's like if Alan Ball wrote a storyline for Days of Our Lives.

From E! Online:

Claim No. 1: Keanu Reeves knows hypnosis.
Sala had a perfectly reasonable explanation for how Reeves managed to pass the DNA test: He used hypnosis to tamper with the results. So convinced is she of the cheating tactic, Sala requested that Reeves be made to undergo a second round of tests, to which the actor's lawyer unsurprisingly refused.

Claim No. 2: Keanu Reeves is a master of disguise.
According to Sala, the actor has used both hypnosis and an apparent mastery of shape-shifting to pass himself off as different people, including Sala's ex-husband. As for why Reeves would do such a thing? Why, in order to secretly cohabitate with Sala and be present at the births of her children, of course.

Sala, however, refuses to accept the possibility that it may actually have been her ex-husband, not the A-list actor, with whom she shared a home. She also refuses to produce her children's birth certificates or have her ex, who is listed as the kids' father in their divorce proceedings, undergo a DNA test to prove his paternity.

Claim No. 3: Keanu Reeves is not Keanu Reeves.
Sala claims she has known the actor since she was 4 years old, alleging that he grew up just down the street from her. The hitch was, according to Sala, that back then Reeves was going by the name Marty Spencer (he wasn't). She claimed it was only years later that she connected them as the same man (they aren't).

"I didn't know he was Keanu Reeves," she said. "To me he was Marty Spencer."

It is with Spencer/Reeves that she claims she carried on a sexual relationship before, during and after her marriage.

WE'LL ALL HAVE WHAT KAREN SALA IS HAVING! TWO SERVINGS! Seriously, everyone put on your crazy suits and board the crazy train express bound for Crazyville!

I need to stop myself. Karen Sala is not crazy. Karen Sala is also not a money-grubbing famewhore. Karen Sala is more famous than Keanu Reeves, so why would she be after his fame or money? I mean, Karen Sala was the breakout star of one of the biggest movies in history: Lady and the Tramp:

Would Peg, the skanky dog who stole our hearts, ever tell a lie? I rest my case.

P.S. - The judge sided with Keanu and threw the case out. Boo on him. But this won't be the last of Karen/Peg!