Reese Witherspoon (or Laura Jeanne Poon as I'll forever know her as), seen above with her hungover husband Jim Toth at a screening for Mud in NYC last night, is really sorry that she was a drunk, uppity, holier-than-thou twat when her husband got busted for DUI and she got busted for disorderly conduct in Atlanta over the weekend. As Sandra Bullock ripped the "America's Sweetheart" sash from Reese's body, Reese tried to put the bitch back in the bag by releasing this damage control statement to People:
"Out of respect for the ongoing legal situation, I cannot comment on everything that is being reported right now. But I do want to say, I clearly had one drink too many and I am deeply embarrassed about the things I said.
It was definitely a scary situation and I was frightened for my husband, but that is no excuse. I was disrespectful to the officer who was just doing his job. The words I used that night definitely do not reflect who I am. I have nothing but respect for the police and I'm very sorry for my behavior."
I wonder what "scary situation" Laura Jeanne Poon is talking about? Is she talking about how her evil possum-faced husband turned their rented Ford Focus into a death machine by drunkenly weaving across a double line? No, probably not. Or is she talking about how a question mark covered the police officer's face when she asked him, "Do you know my name?" Yeah, that's totally the scary situation Reese is talking about since nothing is scarier for a self-entitled celebrity than a peon not knowing who they are.
And now Reese knows that nothing good comes out of using the "Do you know who I am?!" line. Sometimes it'll get you locked up and nothing will ruin your buzz like sitting under fluorescent lighting in a police station.
Here's more of Reese at the screening for Mud which also brought out Matthew McConaughey, Camila Alves and Sarah Paulson. No, the Texas T-Rex does not have to apologize for wearing one of the Mad Hatter's old suits, because that shit is the look.
The Independent Spirit Awards did what the Oscars failed to do: give respect to Matthew McConaughey's rock hard ass cutlets. At yesterday's Independent Spirit Awards in Santa Monica, the Texas T-Rex won Best Supporting Actor for popping his bulge in a Speedo and throwing his charbroiled nalgas up in the air in Magic Mike. While accepting his award Matthew, who is still looking a lollipop-headed giraffe, let every actor know that if they want to win an Independent Spirit Award next year, they have to take all them panties off:
"I had to take my pants off to win a trophy, I had to drop trou to win an award. Fuck yeah!"
Sadly, the Independent Spirit Awards didn't honor the OTHER great performance of the year: Nicole Kidman's piss hole for letting out a Botox-infused pee stream on Zac Efron's body in The Paperboy.
The reboot of Jerry Maguire called Silver Linings Playbook pretty much swept that shit last night and picked up a bunch of trophies. Here's the list of winners:
Best Feature - Silver Linings Playbook
Best First Feature - Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being A Wallflower
Best Supporting Male Performance - The Texas T-Rex, Magic Mike
Best Supporting Female Performance - Helen Hunt, The Sessions
Best International Film - Amour
Best Female Lead Performance - Jennifer Lawrence, Silver Linings Playbook
Best Male Lead Performance - John Hawkes, Battery Dying
Best Screenplay - David O. Russell, Silver Linings Playbook
Best Cinematography - Ben Richardson, Beasts of the Southern Wild
Best Director - David O. Russell, Silver Linings Playbook
Best Documentary - The Invisible War
And here's a few pictures for you to put your eyes on. In order: Texas T-Rex with Camila Alves, Bradley Cooper (and yes, I stared at his baggy camel toe for at least an hour straight), Bryan Cranston, Laura Dern, Salma Hayek with her billionaire husband, Helen Hunt, Jennifer Lawrence, the new Jodie Foster, Aubrey Plaza, DanRad, new daddy Jeremy Renner (who let everyone know that the musky scent was coming from his crotch), Zoe Saldana, Andy Samberg with Joanna Newsom, the new Annie and Kerry Washington.
Matthew McConaughey has gone topless jogging with Lance Armsstrongduetodoping and not once did the Texas T-Rex get suspicious when the wooden floor boards broke into pieces from the sheer force of Lance's Hulk-like stomp. So when Lance came clean about playing dirty, Matthew McConaughey was sad and mad at the bitch for never telling him the truth. The Texas T-Rex, who is gaining some chunk and no longer looks like a zombie porn Giraffe circa 1975, is promoting his new movie Mud at Sundance right now and MTV News (via Yahoo) asked him what he thinks about Lance's cheating ways. Matthew said that it gave him the sads, which should give all of us the sads, because nothing is sadder than a sad T-Rex. :( Matthew said this:
"My first reaction was I was pissed off. I was mad. I then got kind of sad for him. First off, I had a part of me that took it kind of personally, which I think a lot of people have."
Matthew then said that he doesn't take it personally:
"What I mean by this is, what was he supposed to do? Call me to the side and go, 'Hey man, I did it but don't tell anybody.' Then I would have really had a reason to be pissed off at him, going, 'You want me to walk around holding this?'Where I am now is I've put myself out of the way and I am happy for this guy, who has now chosen to reenter this new chapter of his life a truly free man. And the weight he had on his shoulders, without the boogieman under the bed, the skeleton in the closet that he's carried for 14 years. Fourteen years he lied and carried the lie with him. Oprah said the other night, 'The truth will set you free,' but she forgot one part. It's miserable in the beginning. And it's going to be miserable, but he's looking it in the eye, and he'll handle it. He'll deal. And he's ready for how hard it's going to be to deal."
T-Rex, please. I know Matthew's usually got his head stuck in his bong, but his ass had to have known that Lance injected potent Go Go Juice directly into his veins. Didn't Matthew know that something in the milk was DOPE when Lance jacked his dick right off of his body during their weekly circle jerk sessions? The Texas T-Rex is just sad, because during all his years of doping, Lance never once pulled down his panties and asked Matthew to stick it in his butt. By "it," I mean the doping needle. I think.
Here's more of Matthew looking like an old, parched earth worm at Sundance over the weekend.
At The New York City Film Circle Awards, Steven Soderbergh told Vanity Fair (via HuffPo) about the Magic Mike extra who obviously didn't get the memo that finger fucking anybody in the culito without permission is not appropriate ever ("Says who?" - John Travolta). Steven says that while filming a scene (I'm guessing this scene), one extra got a little McConaughey butt syrup on her nail when she tried to give him an impromptu prostate exam.
"While we were shooting Matthew's script sequence, one very impassioned woman extra pulled his G-string off and tried to stick her finger up his butt. And when I remembered that, I thought, You know, where I come from, you stand up for a guy who brings that kind of game to your movie."
Where in the hell does Steven Soderbergh come from? Finger Fuck Town? Can I get the exact GPS coordinates, please. It's for research!
When Vanity Fair asked the Texas T-Rex about getting anally molested, he sort of laughed it off and said that he didn't think she was trying to poke through his skin blossom:
"I don't think she was trying to stick her finger up my butt. She was trying to put it somewhere, though, and you got it on film. It worked out."
If you read me that quote and didn't tell me it came from the Texas T-Rex's mouth and told me that Grant Bowler said it about Lindsay Lohan during the filming of Liz & Dick, I'd totally believe you.
It was a bittersweet day for Matthew McConaughey on Friday. It was sweet, because his wife Camila Alves birthed out their third kid together. It was bitter, because he couldn't pass around pink or blue joints since he's only nibbling on leaves and drinking cups of cold air to play Ron Woodruff. Matthew busted out a smiley face while making his baby samba out of Camila's cooch by playing her baby bump like a bongo drum, but then he quickly busted out a frowny face when he realized that he can't take a congratulatory puff from his favorite bong.
The Texas T-Rex hasn't said anything about his third kid on Twitter, yet, but sources tell People that Camila gave birth in Austin, TX on Friday. People's source needs to be a better source, because they don't know if Camila had a boy or a girl and they don't know the kid's name. Useless source!
Matthew and Camila's 3-year-old daughter is named Vida and their 4-year-old son is named Levi, so I hope they did the right thing by naming their new kid Loca. If you put a little chili on your tongue and say the names Levi, Vida and Loca really fast, it sort of sounds like Livin' La Vida Loca!
UPDATE: Matthew and Camila had a boy and they didn't name his ass Loca. If Matthew didn't temporarily break up with his bong to starve his way to an Oscar, he totally would've named him Loca. They named him Livingston instead. BOO!
Taco Bell executives are bawling into each other's arms, because it's been months since Matthew McConaughey has pulled up to one of their drive-thrus and said, "Alright alright alright, just throw everything on the menu into a blender, liquefy for 20 seconds and pour directly into my slop hole" after a major bonge binge. The Texas T-Rex temporarily broke up with his true love, the good shit, a few months ago, because he needed to shrink himself to the size of a Marc Anthony to play the lead role in The Dallas Buyer's Club. Matthew is playing real-life person Ron Woodruff, a womanizing homophobic junkie who got HIV in the mid-80s from dirty needles and later became an important AIDS activist.
After months of only eating protein and very little carbs, Matthew left LAX on Friday to finally begin shooting TDBC in
Texas New Orleans with Jared Leto and Jennifer Garner. Matthew long said that his goal is to not look healthy and he definitely achieved that. Dude's head looks like it's trying to escape from his neck and his normally stubby T-rex arms look extra long. Dude looks like a caricature drawing come to life. If he does get that Oscar, they should give him a trophy that's gold foil on the outside and chocolate on the inside.
Matthew can easily gain all the weight back just by sniffing something deep fried at The Texas State Fair, but he should try to keep all the weight off so that he can play the Toys 'R Us giraffe in a biopic. That's how he'll really get that Oscar he wants. But seriously, dude looks like a giraffe. I want to drive up next to him in a Jeep and feed him leaves.
Matthew McConaughey took a break yesterday from celebrating his Fourth of July by busting the national anthem on his bongos drums while only wearing American flag nipple tassels and he jumped on Twitter to tell his followers that ANOTHER fetus has moved into Camila Alves' uterus. So instead of just 2 kids screaming "DAAAAAAAAD!" in a few years after seeing the Texas T-Rex clench his greasy nalgas in Magic Mike, there will be 3! Here's Matthew's latest BABY!!! announcement and it helps if you read it while picturing him saying it in a leather vest and a matching leather thong.
happy birthday America, more good news, Camila and I are expecting our 3rd child, God bless, just keep livin
You'd think that the Texas T-Rex's sperm fishes are as stoned as him, so they'd take their time in making their way to Camila's ovaries and play beats on her eggs like a bongo instead of doing what they're supposed to do.... But nope, his sperm fishes get shit done!
Matthew and Camila's 2-year-old is named Vida and their 3-year-old is named Levi, so obviously they're going to stick with the 4 letter name. I'm guessing they'll go with Bong McConaughey.
Joe ManJello spends at least 19 hours of his day lifting heavy things and trying to lick his peen tip while doing crunches, so he owes it to himself and everyone else to show off all that hard work by never wearing clothes in public again. Which is why I CAN'T with him for wearing a guido's funeral suit to the premiere of the movie where his nipples are out for most of it. Who the hell wears clothes to the premiere of a movie about man strippers? Seeing all these dudes in suits has confirmed to me that I don't want to see all these dudes in suits. As Reese Witherspoon said to Kiefer Sutherland in Freeway, "Take all them panties off, mister!" That goes for Matthew McConaughey, Adam Rodriguez, Alex Pettyfer, Channing Tatum and Matt Boner. Okay, maybe not Channing Tatum. He can stand in the corner while holding all of the other dudes' clothes. Somebody has to.
I've already made plans to see this Magic Mike mess on Saturday and that gives Jesus plenty of time to show himself by converting this shit to IMAX 3D. Actually, scratch that. If you're going to ask Jesus for something, you should really ask Jesus for something. Please make the screen at my showing burst into flames and make Alex Petmyfur, Adam Rodriguez, Matt Boner and Joe ManJello save the day by strolling in and letting the operator show the movie on their bare ass cheeks. Make me a believer!
Camila paid tribute to the most intimate and authentic wedding of our time by wearing a Kuntrashian-approved diamond headband and she also wore the JcPenney lace overlay tablecloth my abuelita had on her dresser under the Jesus hugging a crucifix porcelain statue she got at Pic 'N' Save. Sadly, the Texas T-Rex didn't wear a sleeveless tuxedo t-shirt, but he did make me bliss the fuck out by giving this statement. We know WHO smoked that bouquet up after the ceremony.
"We decided to embrace the ritual of marriage as an opportunity and adventure we'll take together."
Translation: "I'M BAKED, MAN."
I wish I was baked too, because that might make it easier for me to deal with that L.A. Looks gel in his hair and that picture that makes him look like Fire Marshall Bill after getting a graft from a dehydrated apricot. But I do love the tender "I'm going to poke at you to see if you're real-life or a figment of my shroom-induced hallucination" pose.
If you were in Austin, TX last night and wondered why you heard the sound of a wild stoner T-Rex howling at the night while running through the woods, pounding at his bare chest, you now know why. It was just Matthew McConaughey letting out a celebratory wail after becoming Camila Alves' husband. Yes, that's a picture of Camila with Matthew McConaughey and not a picture of Camila with the broken condom baby of a female Skeletor and a Ken doll.
The Texas T-Rex's spokeswhore tells People, who bought the EXCLUSIVO rights for publishing pictures of this shit, that he married the mother of his two kids and his piece of 6 years at their mansion in Austin, Texas last night. Camila took her man's last name, so now she'll be known as Camila McConaughey. If I was Camila, I'd also legally give myself a middle name that begins with a U, so my initials could be CUM. Now those are some initials worth monogramming on your bathroom hand towels.
A source tells UsWeekly that after the reception, a handful of guests including Woody Harrleson got the option to stay in a temporary McConaughey commune of over a dozen fancy ass tents that had showers and air conditioning. Hos who decided to camp out in Matthew's backyard didn't have to worry about bears, but they did have to worry about him trying to steal their weed stash in the middle of the night. Poor bitches had to hang their weed bags up in the trees. Well, at least they only had to hang their stash on the lowest hanging branch since Matthew's tiny T-Rex arms can't even reach that high.
All the details you don't care about like what Camila wore on her body and if Matthew played his own wedding march on his bongo drums are in the next issue of People. The only thing I care about is how Camila wore her hair, because above everything, hair IS important.