Matthew McConagay

For being such a mega stoner, I would think that Matthew McConaughey spermies weren't in a rush to get back to work after making a baby with Camila Alves a few months ago. I would think they would just want to hang out on Camila's ovaries, shoot the shit, lay around and not even bother trying to break into one of those egg things. Too much work. But they have proven me wrong, because Camila is baking a baby! Yeah, isn't that sweet? Father and child are baking at the same time!

Matthew announced the news on his website (which is a bong hit in itself): "Happy Father's Day. It's my first, and the last 11 months with Levi and Camila have been the most rewarding adventure to date. Happy Father's Day. It's my first, and the last 11 months with Levi and Camila have been the most rewarding adventure to date. We have more blessed news to celebrate this Father's Day that [will] make this time next year double the fun. Levi is going to be a big brother... Yeah, we pulled off the greatest miracle in the world one more time, Camila and I are expecting our second child, bringing more life into the world, making more to live for. The future looks bright as the family grows and we thank you all for the well wishes you send our way. Viva la evolucion, naturally, and in the mean times and all time, just keep livin."

Viva la evolucion! Ha. Do I have to be fully stoned to understand that last sentence? If so, pass me a joint and light it up.

Anyway, congratulations to Matthew! It will be nice for him to have another human around all the time who has arms shorter than his own. When Matthew can't reach the syrup in the middle of the table, his new baby friend can look at him with eyes that say, "Sigh Neither can I." Matthew will never feel alone!

VIA People

Don't ask Matthew McConaughey to play "pin the peen on the chocha," because you could be there for a while. Matthew tells Elle Magazine, "From checking out Playboy I always thought — jeezum, we still don’t have a better word for it than vagina, do we? —I thought it was behind the pubic hair, and it faced horizontal. You know, east/west, not south. So the first time I got to third base, man, I was hunting for a long time."

Jeezum! Matthew still doesn't know, does he? He still has to go in with a compass, a flashlight hat and a flare gun.

And don't even make the joke about Asians having horizontal slits! Do not! I'm half Asian and my no-no sits straight up! Sank you very much!

VIA OK! Magazine

Matthew McConaughey must be a fan of Nip/Tuck, because it looks like he was inspired by the auto-sucking episode.

Matthew was on the beach in Rio trying to give his peen friend a little tongue kiss. He would say he was just "stretching," but you know what he was up to. He just needed to get just a little bit closer and he easily could have slid his tongue right in between those dick lips and said "hello." Matthew just needs to get a fat friend to sit on his back and he'll get it. Besides, sucking his own dick is probably easier than jacking himself off. Those little T-Rex arms must have a hard time stretching all the way down there.

We've all tried to licky our own dicky. Don't lie. I stopped trying, because whenever I did go for it, I'd have the sudden urge to do pee times. And auto-golden-showers is not a sport I want to play.

Matthew McConaughey is at the beach....and he's wearing a shit (typo, but it stays). How is this even possible? I would think that the sea breezes would blow that shirt right off of his body. And if that didn't happen, the seagulls would tear it off him. This shit just looks so unnatural and wrong.

If I saw a laughing MiserAlba riding on a flying Spaghetti Cat through a rainbow coming out of Tommy Girl's ass, I wouldn't even blink an eye. Now that I've seen McConaughey wearing a shirt at the beach, anything is possible.

Below is McConaughey proving the impossible at the beach with his dog friend. I also added some pictures of Pamela Anderson wearing her signature loony bin scrubs for all the dirty snatch lovers out there.

Devoted mother and champion athlete JLo and Skeletor arrived to a Dolce & Gabbana party in Milan in a golden fucking carriage pulled by four white horses. They look like the tackiest vampires in Transylvania. Wait. Is there such a thing as a vampire with a big fat ass?

Other guests at the party also arrived by horse and carriage, but you know JLo made sure she picked out her carriage first. Those poor horses probably got the runs when they saw JLo and her life-support-needing husband.

I like JLo's veil, but you know what would have made it even better? If it was a few inches longer and made out of a paper bag.

Here's more of JLo wearing one of Liberace's old nightgowns last night. Matthew McConaughey was also at the party. It looks like he's been taking beauty tips from Zac Efron and Xtina.

JLo's injured foot had a miraculous recovery and she was able to compete in the Nautica Malibu Triathlon today. And she actually finished! People reports that JLo finished a half mile swim, 18-mile bike and a 4-mile run in 2 hours, 23 minutes and 28 seconds.

While JLo was running her ass off, I was drinking Mimosas and filling my fat mouth with stuffed french toast. Hmm...maybe I should get off my lazy ass and do a push-up or something. Ugh. Even the thought makes me sweat, which is probably making my body burn some calories, right? I'll just think about working out and it'll make me burn calories. Brilliant!

When JLo's mega ass crossed the finished line, she told the crowd, "I feel really great and so glad I finished and that I made it out of the water but more amazing than that, I feel really great that we raised $127,000 for the Children's Hospital of Los Angeles and hopefully it'll go to good use."

Matthew McConaughey also competed in the triathlon. He did it in 1 hour, 30 minutes and 44.7 seconds. Damn. It's the power of the bong!

I seriously wish I was there today. I would've tracked JLo like a wolf watching his prey. I just know this bitch got a double to do the hard shit! She was probably sitting in some trailer, with her white candles, sipping on champagne and getting her make-up done to look all natural and "flushed." Then she got out of her chair, lightly jogged across the finish line and took all the glory! The truth will be revealed soon! And by "soon" I mean in 20 years when the Dragon Tales Twins write a tell-all.

It's nice to hear that crazy runs through the veins of the entire McConaughey family. I'm sure they also share the same bong too. In her new book called "I Amaze Myself," Kay McConaughey confirms she's related to Matthew by giving us way too much information.

In one section, Kay writes that her husband died doing sexy times with her. She writes, “On Monday mornings, he and I often said goodbye by making love. But one day, all of a sudden, it just happened. I knew that something was wrong, because I didn’t hear anything from him. Just nothing But it was just the best way to go!”

When the paramedics arrived and couldn't revive him, she didn't bother covering up his nekkid body. “I was just so proud to show off my big old Jim McConaughey — and his gift." This horny memaw is my kind of people.

She also admits that Matthew was a "happy accident." After she married Jim for a third time (!!!), Kay didn't know what she wanted to do with her life. “I was deciding, ‘Do I want to have another baby? Do I want to have an affair? Or go back to school? That’s when Matthew was conceived. We had tried for 16 years and no baby. So Matthew was a big surprise!”

I need to find a way to marry into this family. They must be smoking some of the serious good shit. Take note, White Oprah. This is how a celebrity's mother should talk to the media!

VIA UsWeekly

I've always wanted to see Robert Downey Jr. with a moustache, but this isn't what I had in mind. Usually a moustache can make a dude look like an evil child toucher or a porn star from the 70s. RDJ looks more like the latter. Personally, I'm into it. It's looks like one of those furry, black catepillars lounging on his lip. RDJ wore his furry friend to the "Tropic Thunder" premiere last night where he was joined by his wifey.

Matthew McConaughey also tore himself away from his double bong to show up to the premiere. Thankfully, he left Levi Strauss at home. It's also a good thing that he kept his sunglasses on. Bloodshot stoner eyes never look good in pictures.

Also, I just looked up the cast of this Tropic Thunder shit on IMDB and it says Tyra Banks plays herself in it! Why the hell wasn't she at the premiere?! Shit, why wasn't the premiere held on her show?! Hell, why wasn't it called "Tyra Thunder" instead?!

And Levi's probably already hitting the bong too. I mean, look how fucking baked his daddy is in the picture above. Matthew McConaughey looks mega stoned in all of these pictures! It looks like he's sweating bong water.

He basically confirmed he was operating on smoke when he explained why they brought Levi Strauss out, "Levi was gonna stay home, but then he said, 'Dad, mom, I wanna go support mom's purses!'" He's not joking either. He really heard Levi say that. Actually, Matthew probably heard his bongo drum say it, but figured Levi channeled his thoughts to it.

The Bong Master said they take Levi everywhere. They even took him to a John Mellencamp concert. He said Levi is "equipped to be around the sights and sounds of people." Have they checked on Levi since then? He's probably deaf now. That probably wouldn't bother Matthew. He'd just say, "Awww. He'll be alright. Just give him a little weeeeeeeeeeeed."

Matthew kept the stoner talk going when he talked about how they kept the placenta and umbilical cord for some kind of Australian aboriginal custom.

He said, "They had a placenta tree that was on the river, and it was for the women, and it was the most fertile land and fertile river. And all the placentas of all that tribe, all that clan ... went under that one tree, and it was this huge behemoth of just health and strength. And this tree was just growing taller and stronger above the rest of Mother Nature around it. It was gorgeous."

I just have four words for Matthew: PASS. ME. YOUR. BONG.

Here's Matthew and Camila at the launch of her handbag collection last night.

Matthew McConaughey and Camila Alves took Baby Levi Strauss for a walk yesterday in Malibu. You're probably assuming that Baby Levi is in that stroller. You know he isn't. He's probably in that bucket, because Matthew thought it would be "totally rad" to carry him that way. He saw it in "National Geographic" or something. Matthew's bongo and his bong are riding safely in the baby stroller.

Camila looks pretty hot for just having a baby. I'm assuming that bitch had the works after she gave birth. Every Hollywood bitch probably gets it. The doctors don't even ask anymore. As soon as baby pops out, they bring in the wet vac and make it all right again.

Matthew also went for a walk later in the day with Baby Levi Strauss and a "friend." GAY! And how can Matthew have two baby strollers? They can fit both of those things in his trailer home?