Rosie O'Donnell

Way before St. Angie was healing the world with her divine vagina and sucking the youth out of Brad Pitt, she had a "phone fling" with none other than Rosie O'Donnell. Once you've talked your genitals off of the ledge, read on......

On Howard Stern's show (via Popeater) the other day, Rosie O not only confirmed that she's no longer munching on Kelli Carpenter's carpet, but she also briefly talked about the phone time she spent with St. Angie. Rosie said, "We talked on the phone two or three times, but that was that. There was a tentative plan to have dinner that never came through. I was a little afraid of her. She's scary in a sexual kind of way."

What a missed opportunity for all of us. To think, we could have had Rosielina instead of Brangelina. Which means instead of crazed Brangaloonies terrorizing our lives, we would be dodging flannel-wearing, saw dust-farting Rosielinaloonies. And honestly, I'd rather be bitched out by a big butchie with a flat top. It kind of gives me the tingles, actually.

And for those you saying that St. Angie would never lick on Rosie's ham muffin, might I remind you of an elderly turtle named Billy Bob Thornton?

A little while ago, The National Enquirer said that Rosie O's partner in pussay, Kelli Carpenter, moved out of their home and shuffled off to Manhattan. At the time, Rosie didn't say much about the rumor. Well, now she's talking to USA Today and says the two are having problems. Doesn't it make you sad in the heart thinking about Rosie's strap-on collecting dust because Kelli isn't around to give it a little attention? That one was for Donald Trump.

When asked about the gayelle drama, Rosie O said, "We're a family. We will remain a family forever. And we are working on our issues. Kelli and I love each other very much and we are working on our issues. Those are the only words I am ever going to say. Ever. And that is something that has been agreed upon by all parties. But everything's fine and everybody's good and we're still both raising them together. We will both continue to parent them and we're friendly and everything's all right."

This sounds like the two have already split on each other's splits. I've always liked Rosie, but I'm sure living with her isn't all free giveaways, rainbows and showtunes. But hopefully, Rosie and Kelli will be back to bumping 'ginas soon so that we don't have listen to Donald Trump go on and on about this. If the Trump wins, we all lose.

And here we have the very rare dykeasaurus known as Rosie O'Donnell displaying her coochie chompin' face for your viewing pleasure. I'm sure Rosie was also making this same face in between barfing all over Elisabeth Hasselcrack's good name (sar.cas.am.) at one of her shows a couple of weeks ago.

According to Fox411, Rosie shat on Elisabeth during her set on the "Girls' Night Out Tour." A source (whose name sounds like Hellisabeth Assholecrack) said, "Rosie started out by asking the audience, 'What was that show I was on? Then, instead of saying, 'The View,' she called it 'The Screw You.' She continued by calling Elisabeth Hasselbeck, 'Elizabeth Half-a-brain.' Then she jumped to another topic."

A few beats later, Rosie was back to yapping about The View, "Rosie said when she first met Elisabeth, she thought she would love her, because they're both Christians. Then she stopped and said, 'But then she turned on me.' Then Rosie called her a 'twat.' O'Donnell then moved on to a different subject, saying she really didn't want to start a new feud, or restart an old one."

Okay, okay, Rosie should probably calm down by blowing a bong or slowly removing the double-sided dildo out of her ass, but Elisabeth is a TWAT. Rosie is just spilling the facts. That's all. It's like me saying that picture of Rosie can be used as a successful tool for teaching abstinence in schools. FACTS!

A few years ago, Rosie O called Starlet Jones "delusional" because of that whole "dieting and Pilates" lie. Star's constipated trout face finally admitted she had her stomach cinched and sealed. Well, it looks like it's all fat water under the band now, because Rosie and Gay Al's former enema bottle holder have teamed up in the name of charity.

UsWeekly says both Rosie and Star will have lunch with the highest bidder. All cash monies from the auction will go towards the Figure Skating in Harlem charity.

Yes, lunch. How in Barbara Walters lisp Hell are you supposed to eat food things with a Star on one side and a Rosie on the other. Do you also win an hour with a gastroenterologist, because your stomach will be on the wrong side of fucked up after that lunch. On second thought, Rosie O wouldn't be so bad. I'd ask her to tell me stories about Babwa pee peeing on herself during meetings while I nibbled on my salad croutons. Then we'd crank call Hasselcrack and pretend to be Dubya. She would totally have phone fucky times with us. Okay, that would good.

But Star?! How are you supposed to swallow successfully when you've got that face looking back at you?! And you know she'll stare at your food with those hongray eyes that make you want to call a priest or 911 or something. I'd rather eat my meal off of a truck stop urinal cake than dine with that bitch. Although, I would like to ask her if the rumor about Gay Al taking three wangs in his glazed donut hole at one time is true. If it is, I need the blueprint on that shit.

Rosie O'Donnell looks so cushy stuffed into her plastic vagina mitts from Hell. Hopefully, that pair she's wearing isn't covered into much toe jelly, because that shit might have to last her a while. You see, the heavens opened up and the angels have sung. The destructive eyeball killers who have brought so much fugness to this planet might be sent back to the fiery depths of Hell where they were born. Women's Wear Daily says the company is in trouble.

CROCS released a report by the accounting firm Deloitte & Touche LLP that states they're in danger, girl. Their stock is down 19 percent and last February, they reported a loss of $183.6 million. The year before, they posted a profit of $168.2, so the company isn't doing well. They replaced their CEO and cut costs in hopes that they are able to swim out of the red this year.

Run to the mirror, smile wide and then cackle like CHERYL BURKE about to cast a black magic spell on of her contestants. That is my face right now.

But seriously, I don't want a shit load of whores to lose their jobs, so I have an idea. Obviously, the people of the world have stepped out of the fug cloud and decided they no longer want to degrade their feet with that trash, so CROCS has to change things up. They already have all that plastic, so the obvious move is to get into the DILDO business! All they have to do is drop the R and there's their new company name!

IN THIS ECONOMY, almost everyone is getting fucked, so we might as well get fucked with a bright, shiny rod of plastic.

Here's CROCS (not cocs) lover Rosie with Kathy Griffin and Gloria Estefan in Miami yesterday.

File this under: Things that can make you impotent. Rosie O'Donnell told Ty Ty Banks on her show that Vadge has been giving her menopause advice. Rosie + Ty Ty + Vadge + Menopause = Dead nuts.

In an episode airing tomorrow and Friday, Rosie tells Ty Ty that she's been going through the change, "Well let me tell you one thing, Tyra: I am about to be 47 next month and Aunt Flow has not shown up for nine months. It started for me at 41...I would be in the bed, and I would wake up and the sheets would be soaking wet -- not damp -- soaking wet. I thought, 'Oh, Vivi (her daughter) crawled in here last night and maybe she wet.' So I would throw the covers off and turn to look -- and there's no Vivi, it's just Kelli (her partner in pussy). Then I'm like, 'Kelli is incontinent!' And then I realized, no it's me." _ __ ___ ____ ______ My brain just flatlined for a quick minute.

Rosie sees Vadge as a big sister (HA!), so she emailed her for advice, "When I started having my hormone things, I'm like, 'What the hell is going on?' she's like, 'Get the cream.'"

Coming from Vadge, "get the cream" could be code for so many things. The blood cream from a dude's ripped off ballsack? The cream from a Baby Jesus? The cream that many professional athletes inject into their muscly nalgas?

But Rosie probably doesn't have to worry about menopause anymore. When she read that e-mail from Vadge about the change, all her lady parts packed up their happy lil' shit and busted out of that bitch's ass. Vadge talking about menopause was way too much for them. Rosie probably thought it was just gas from her Mexican lunch.

VIA UsWeekly

Barbara Walters said on "The View" yesterday that she wished that "lady" (aka Rosie O) would keep her pussy vacuum closed about her time on the show. Rosie O can never be silenced, so she responded on her blog. In the clip above, Rosie watches the clip of B.Walt while making curious faces. These are probably the same facial expressions I made when I first got my no-no tickled. I went from being confused to being surprised to completely giving in.

After she finished watching the clip, Rosie said, "“I do not know what Star Jones and Debbie Matenopoulos did, but oooooh, LADY… she is pissed off!” Haha. Cue laugh track. Blah blah blah.... Instead of leaving it at that, Rosie kept blabbing about it on Conan O'Brien last night.

The sarcasm came pouring out of her mouth hole when told Conan, "Listen, I don't want to dump on the show in order to benefit my own career, you know, to use it for publicity because I didn't have a career before that show. So, I'm very thankful to The View for the help that it's given me in my life. And I'm a big fan of the program and the producer."

I wish Babs would respond to this shit on "The View" this morning, but she probably forgot all about it already. When she watched Conan last night, she made a mental note to talk about that "LADY" on the show again, but then something shiny caught her eye and she totally forgot about it. Instead of talking about that "LADY" this morning, she's going to talk about the pretty shiny thing that mesmerized her last night.

This morning on "The View," B. Walt told the former "ladies" of the show to shut their beaver traps and move on with their lives. It's pretty that obvious that Barbara was talking to Rosie O'Donnell.

Yesterday, while promoting her variety show, Rosie told the L.A. Times that Barbara "wanted everyone to believe and think and act as if [the women on 'The View'] get along and are really good friends and happy and hang out together, and, you know, that's just not the reality. I'm not saying they loathe each other, but the fact of the matter is there was not a lot of camaraderie off camera."

Babs, who wore some bows from my mom's Christmas decorations box, said this shit this morning: "If the shoe fits lady...laaadeeeeez....get on with your lives. We are not perfect. We are not always happy, but we're pretty good!"

Translation: STEP OFF ROSIE or Babs will sic her dentures on you!

Of course, Hasselcrack had to chime in. The dumb bitch actually said, "To do what we do every day takes a certain amount of respect across the table."

The things this ho says! This bitch wouldn't know respect if it pulled the stick out of her ass and then butt fucked her senselessly!

P.S. - Tell Sherri to take off those clip-on bangs ASAP. It's not working.

This Thanksgiving, you'll get two turkey dinners with all the fixings, because Rosie O'Donnell's new variety show debuts that day. Rosie and NBC announced that her new variety show called "Rosie's Pie-Eating Hour" will air live on November 26th. I was being dumb about the title. It's called "Rosie's Variety Hour." If the Thanksgiving special does well, NBC could order a full season of the show.

The Ausiello Files reports that NBC ordered a "backdoor pilot" of the show. Backdoor pilot? Count Tommy Girl in! He'll bring the lube and anal lip clamps.

"Rose's Variety Hour" will feature a monologue, celebrity guests, musical acts, comedy skits and a giant giveaway. Basically it's going to be a big glittery homo fiesta with a dash of dykeness. Rojo Caliente should be the in-house go go dancer!

Rosie said: “This is a dream come true for any performer. Old time variety, live from New York with a nod to Ed Sullivan, Carol Burnett and memories of Sonny and Cher.”

You better believe I'll be watching this shit. It's probably going to be even better because I'll be stuffed and wasted. Nothing helps your food digest like a big heaping help of Rosie O! Elisabeth Hasselbeck should be her first guest. They need a re-match....in a cage..... while wearing bikini thongs ....and covered in hot oil. And I just made myself sick.

...For one time only....

Rachael Ray will bring back "The Rosie O'Donnell Show" for an encore episode on May 2nd. Yup, hell does exist and this is proof.

Rachael completely transformed her own show into Rosie's old show. Rachael even brought back John McDaniel. And if Rosie and Rachael teaming up isn't reason enough for the apocalypse, the two will do a huge dance number at the end. Note to God: PULL THE PLUG!

Rosie and Rachael will talk about everything from Tommy Girl to "The View" to Martha Stewart.

Tomorrow is definitely the strangest day in television:

Rachael Ray and Rosie O'Donnell
Oprah and Tommy Girl
Gary Coleman on Divorce Court (Part II)

Basically, tomorrow is the end of the world. Save me a seat on the short bus to hell!