Rosie O'Donnell

Rosie O'Donnell announced on Instagram today that she and her trophy wife Michelle Rounds are moms to their first cutie patootie (never 4get The Rosie O'Donnell Show 1996-2002) together. Rosie posted this picture of their baby friend along with this note written in text talk:

"we r thrilled to announce the arrival of r daughter Dakota - #withloveandthanks - AMEN"

Rosie didn't say anything else. Did they used a surrogate? I don't know. Did they adopt Baby Dakota? I don't know. Was Michelle Rounds knocked up with Baby Dakota? I don't know. Was Rosie O knocked up with Baby Dakota (note: I'd be pissed if Rosie O was pregnant and didn't let us know, because that means we missed out on pictures of her knocked up body in CROCs and a wet swimming t-shirt)? Probably not. Did they secretly grow Baby Dakota O'Donnell in the nest on Donald Trump's head without him knowing? Probably so. The only thing we do know is that Rosie is a mother for the fifth time and she and her wife gave their daughter an Irish stripper's name.

And did you know Rosie's oldest kid, Parker, is 17? We're all old! Reading that Parker is 17 made a grey hair grow out of my ear.

All the way back in June, when the ginger unicorns were still secreting drops of red hot happiness from their nipples over the gayelle wedding of the century, Rosie O'Donnell and her fianceé Michelle Rounds quietly got married in NYC. Rosie O and Michelle were supposed to tie the klit (I really meant to type "knot," but klit came out and so I'm keeping it) this month, but they decided to speed shit up when Michelle was diagnosed with desmoid tumors and had to get surgery. On June 9th, 5 days before Michelle went under, Rosie O'Donnell became a wife for the very first second time.

In related news, Jennifer Love Hewitt just ran to the nearest Baskin Robbins, jumped over the counter and shoved her head into a huge tub of Snickers ice cream. After that, JLove will vajazzle the letters FML on her crotch, because Rosie can get a wife, but bitch can't get a husband.

Of course, Rosie announced the news by writing a messed up haiku-ish poem on her site:

my wife michelle
was diagnosed with desmoid tumors in june
a mysterious rare – too often fatal disease
that affects 3 in a million people

we were to wed 10 days ago
but her illness forced us to postpone the wedding
luckily -
as i was in ICU that day
when it rains …
things grow
like love and flowers
humans too

so on we go
we married in private
before her surgery
just the 2 of us

when we r both well enough
will have the wedding of r dreams
surrounded by those we cherish
thankful for the love and support
so many have given us
during these trying times

If Rosie recited one of her "poems" during the ceremony, then either Michelle really is in love with her, she's a truly dedicated gold digger or she's willing to overlook that shit, because Rosie eats punane like it's made of cheddar biscuits from Red Lobster.

Congratulations to Rosie and Michelle! First, Rojo Caliente and Cynthia Nixon, and now Rosie O'Donnell and Michelle Rounds? Two power lesbian weddings in one year and it's only August, so there's room for many more. And yes, that's me elbowing Oprah and Gayle.

The world almost lost Rosie O'Donnell last week and it was all because (not really) she helped a fellow fat lady out of her car last week in a parking lot in Nyack, NY. In one of her signature jacked up haiku-ish type blog posts, Rosie O wrote today that she had a heart attack last week and all of her heart attack woes started when a fat lady in a parking lot asked her to a help a bitch out. The lady couldn't get out of her car and so Rosie grabbed onto her and pulled her out. Rosie's good deed ended with a stent in her heart.

Rosie says that once she got home after helping a ho out, she started to feel the same way Melania Trump feels when Donald asks her to give his taint a tongue bath. Rosie felt vommy and clammy and eventually threw up. Rosie tried to diagnose herself with the help of the Internet and when she Googled "women's heart attack symptoms," the first thing that came up was an article titled: "Did you just stare at gloriously beautiful bikini pictures of the Spanish dandelion that is the Duchess of Alba, because that will make you weak in the heart!"

After Rosie O couldn't really find anything on the Internet, she downed a Bayer and ignored the pain. When Rosie went to her cardiologist the next day, she found out that she had a heart attack.

i did not call 911
50% of women having heart attacks never call 911
200,000 women die of heart attacks
every year in the US

by some miracle i was not one of them
the next day i went to a cardiologist
the dr did an EKG and sent me to the hospital
where a stent was put in

my LAD was 99% blocked
they call this type of heart attack
the Widow maker
i am lucky to be here

know the symptoms ladies
listen to the voice inside
the one we all so easily ignore
CALL 911

save urself

Rosie's rep tells People that she is really lucky and is now resting at home.

That gross feeling that feels like slime crawling all over your skin is Donald Trump running his bloated fingers through the pile of deep fried Sasquatch pubes on his head while smugly smiling over this. I bet that fat ho in need WAS Donald Trump in disguise.

And you know, Rosie's story makes me feel so much better about ignoring strangers who ask for my help. Nothing good can come from helping strangers.

If you were hoping that Lifetime would put down the crack pipe (a Lohan family heirloom) and come to their senses by casting their queen Meredith Baxter-Birney as Elizabeth Taylor in their basic cable biopic, you wasted all your hopes on that shit. Because Lifetime made it official last night by announcing that Lindsay Lohan, who isn't even hot enough to play Rip Taylor in a movie, will take on the role of La Liz in Liz & Dick (which you shouldn't confuse with the title of LiLo's upcoming memoirs, Lez & Dick).

Lifetime's VP of Programming, Rob Sharenow, queefed out a press release to Deadline and in it he made it perfectly clear that his thoughts are powered by White Oprah's ass farts. Think of all the words you'd use to describe LiLo (examples: haggard, beat, whory, etc..) Well, Rob used the opposite of those words:

Lindsay Lohan is set to star as the legendary Elizabeth Taylor in the Lifetime Original Movie Liz & Dick, based on the true story of the screen icon’s historic romance with actor Richard Burton. Principal photography on the movie will begin in early June in Los Angeles, it was announced today by Rob Sharenow, Executive Vice President, Programming, of Lifetime Networks.

Regarding the announcement, Lohan said, “I have always admired and had enormous respect for Elizabeth Taylor. She was not only an incredible actress but an amazing woman as well. I am very honored to have been asked to play this role.”

“We are thrilled Lindsay will portray beloved Hollywood legend Elizabeth Taylor,” added Sharenow. “She is one of the rare actresses who possesses the talent, beauty and intrigue to capture the spirit of such a provocative icon.”

Many hos (including your memaw who will definitely call you up after watching this mess to ask, "Why did The Albino from Princess Bride play Elizabeth Taylor?") aren't happy about this and one of those hos is Rosie O'Donnell. Rosie O was one of the heads, along with Star Jones and Donny Deutsch, on the Today show's cerberus of terror this morning and she let it be known that she's turning her thumb down to this shit:

Rosie: I feel very sorry for her. I think she needs a lot of time away. She's had a lot of trouble doing every single movie including SNL. She was out and not in rehearsal. I think she's not in a place to work."

Star: I used to think she was extremely talented, but I have not seen enough of her as an actress in recent years to really make an evaluation.

Donnie: It's a great idea. She's our generation's Elizabeth Taylor. The only one-

Rosie: You're out of your mind! You're a crackhead! Get out of here! The last thing she did good she was 16! ......I don't think she's right for the role and I don't think she's capable at this point of doing what is needed to portray that character.

I know the story here should be that some of us need to take a group Silkwood Shower together since we've been tainted with the feeling of actually agreeing with Star and Rose, but the real story here is that Donny Douche hates Elizabeth Taylor as much as Lifetime does.

This dark-sided ass video is from the ancient days of March, but it needs to be seen and heard for Rosie O'Donnell's comeback line alone.

Rosie was leaving the Super Bowl with a few friends and her daughter when she tried to pour a little sense into the ears of some young anti-gay Christian fundamentalists. As you've probably just guessed, that went down as well as a coochie queef in John Travolta's face. The head street preacher picked up his OMGIMTALKINGLOUDERTHANYOUIWIN horn and called Rosie an ungodly, hell-bound wicked woman. Then, the crazy asked Rosie to recite a verse from the Bible. Now, if that was me, I would've started quoting the first paragraph from Jackie Collins' Hollywood Wives since that shit is my Bible, but Rosie quoted the "other" Bible instead. The rest of Rosie's fight of words with the street preacher went like this:

Rosie: "Jesus wept" at you, because you didn't get the whole meaning of what he was about.

Street preacher: Go home and do the dishes. That's your job.

Rosie: I'm going to go home and fuck my wife.

Street preacher: You're a pig. A lesbian pig.

BOOM. Sorry, disciple of Donald Trump's, Rosie O won that round. And Rosie won so hard that her parting shot didn't even make me scream out "Gross, mom! Stop!" for her daughter. There is a time and a place for that kind of imagery and this was definitely one of those times and places.

via Christian Nightmares

The Daily Beast has a loonnnggggg article about why Rosie O'Donnell's show on Oprah Winfrey's network of spiritual guidance failed. Reasons include Rosie not being a good fit for the channel, a bad time slot, no one was sure what the show's format should be, celebrities wouldn't come to Chicago to get their publicity cocks sucked, etc.

The frowny revelation is that Rosie still has a big ole' temper when shit doesn't go well and will publicly lash the fuck out at you in front of the rest of the staff. She will make you cry and confound you because you had heard that lesbians were really nice what with the dogs and the Home Depot love and everything.

Rosie filmed in Oprah's old studio, and many of The Rosie Show staff were made up of O's old crew. Those special people have been touched by an angel and ascended to a higher level than the rest of us. But that don't mean dick to Ro.

From the Beast:

Several staffers were very upset when O’Donnell clashed with Winfrey’s longtime director Joe Terry. People thought she humiliated him when she scolded him in front of a live audience for using the wrong camera shots, suggesting he didn’t know what he was doing. She fired Winfrey’s stage manager because she felt like he was ignoring her and not doing his job properly. But some of her biggest fights were with “the games department.” She couldn’t decide what she wanted—The Price Is Right, physical games, or trivia—and was constantly belittling the people who worked on them.

Rosie also reportedly treated her band leader lady like shit because she couldn't immediately play obscure Broadway numbers like the band was Tom Cruise's iPod. Ugh. She also didn't personally tell her staff that the jig was up because she'd already driven her hog (you decide what kind I'm referring to) back to New York City and was trying to get the role of Miss Hannigan in a revival of Annie.

I met Rosie once. She was big and butch (bike shorts/Tevas/lots of tattoos) and I was nervous she would put me in a headlock. She read as a nice lady, but I wasn't on her payroll. Remember when she accused one of the staffers at her magazine of lying and told her that "liars get cancer"? This is not a bitch you want your cubicle near.

And that's it for me. Thank you to the exquisitely slutty Michael K for letting me help out again! Tramp ass.

Smiles lie. Our Supreme Ruler and Goddess Messiah (Oprah Winfrey) is going to have to throw a damn rent party soon. Nothing's working! Winfrey announced today that she won't be requiring Rosie O'Donnell's services anymore, and hasn't renewed The Rosie Show for a second season. O'Donnell is packing up her clog collection and lumbering back to NYC.

EW:

“I thank Rosie from the bottom of my heart for joining me on this journey,” said Oprah Winfrey in a statement. “As I have learned in the last 15 months, a new network launch is always a challenge and ratings grow over time as you continue to gather an audience. I’m grateful to Rosie and the dedicated Rosie Show team for giving it their all.”

Rosie might be a mouthy occasional psycho, but she's no fool. She realizes that Oprah isn't as forgiving as Barbara Walters. O would have her killed if she got hainty about getting axed in public.

E!:

"I loved working with Oprah in the amazing city of Chicago," O'Donnell said in a statement. "I was welcomed with open arms and will never forget the kindness of all I encountered. It was a great year for me—I wish the show was able to attract more viewers—but it did not. So I am headed back to my home in New York—with gratitude. On we go!"

The Rosie Show, which dropped from a viewership of 500,000 for the premiere episode down to an average of 230,000, was taped in O's old studio ( aka Little Medjugorje). They shot around the mystical healing fountain that sprung up on Oprah's last day. Many are the global pilgrimages undertaken to partake of its soothing and holy waters.

Oprah's second coming isn't working out like she planned. Did anyone else notice her slinking up to people's cars at the Twitter intersection during the Grammys and asking "hey baby, you wanna party?" for ratings? It's serious when Oprah is panhandling on social media platforms.

As for Rosie - she's got this chick grimly picturing Range Rovers and Birkin Bags as she laps at O'Donnell's other "O". So Rosie's fine.

As her friends Gayelle King, Mrs. Rojo Caliente, Fran Drescher and Natasha Lyonne winked on, Rosie O'Donnell debuted her new hot girlfriend Michelle Rounds to the public at Rosie's Theater Kids Galas in NYC last night. Ironically enough, they're like the lesbian version of Donald Trump and his gorgeous stunning trophy wife Melania Trump. But it truly is a beautiful moment in the history of equality when premium gold diggers can hand a shovel and ink-erasing liquid (for prenups) to a lesbian and welcome her into their tribe.

A source type tell People that Rosie met the Holly Hunter look-alike with perfectly crafted ladle brows at a Starbucks a few months ago and they've been bumping tart pies ever since. The source went on to say that they're very, very happy. Rosie kept her top lips closed about the new lady love that's making her patootie poot. But she said on stage at her event that she just bought a red bra "with the underpants that match and everything" so she must be down to munch.

Gold digging jokes aside, Michelle Rounds really is one lucky bitch. Yes, sometimes living with Rosie is probably as pleasant as licking up Donald Trump's undertit cheese with the lights on, but she's rich as all hell, is a premiere haiku poet and looks like she can eat a coochie like it's made of coconut frosting. Seriously, I bet if you put a tiny teased merkin over your chocha and called it Donald Trump, Rosie would eat the rage (and more) out of it.

No, I'm not talking about the Team Breezy that came in fourth place in the international queef championships. Not this time, anyway. Rosie O'Donnell came to Chris Brown's defense on her Sirius radio show today when she said that Good Morning America's Robin Roberts should've taken half of the blame for Urkel Rodman Hulk-ing out and beating a window with a chair. Rosie feels Chris' pain and seems to think that the media is trying to poke the rage out of him even though he's paid his debt to society. If Rosie O'Donnell is trying to make miss the days when she called Tommy Girl "a cutie patootie" and gave away Happy Meal toys to her audience members, it's working. This is what Rosie had to say this morning in Chris' defense:

On how Charlie Sheen is a hero (no, he's not) and Chris Brown is Satan's mutated Q-tip: "I don't know why this kid seems to be held to a different standard than anybody else."

On how the questions about Rihanna triggered the Meat Loaf in Chris Brown: "I felt mildly angry at Robin Roberts. I felt like writing her and going: 'Can you take a look at this again and see if maybe you find -- in any way -- your responsibility in this?'"

On how she doesn't blame Chris for murdering a chair and a window: "Part of me wanted to take a chair and throw it through the window at The View after all that happened. But, you know, there are no windows down there in that rat-infested cellar. Remember that cellar we were in?" O'Donnell said to her radio producer. There were no windows. It was like a prison."

Rosie O defended herself on Twitter after some of her followers questioned her comments:

@MaxiamMomEsq - if u listened to the conversation on the radio program - u would have a better understanding of my point of view - the post?

@HollywoodDebi he was held accountable - he did his service - the judge commended him - he grew up in a violent home - he is only 21 -

@shyladare @HollywoodDebi - i dont think i am - i have compassion for both he and rhianna - its is not a simple discussion - layers n layers

@shyladare @HollywoodDebi - he is a victim too

Here we fucking go. We're still on the Charlie Sheen vs. Chris Brown thing? Rosie and other bitches like her keep saying that we're holding up the warlock prince on a throne made of troll bones while kicking Chris Brown into the gutter below. They must be watching a totally different movie than I am. Charlie is out of a job and is getting booed at his own sold-out joke of a show. Chris has the #1 album in the country, millions of fans and is still getting invited into green rooms everywhere even though he pretty much destroyed one. They're both hardcore assholes, they both have supporters, they both have haters and they're both doing just fine.

One of the differences is that almost every time somebody asks Chris a question he doesn't like, he throws a full body tantrum and takes it out on innocent victims (see: the chair at GMA). Chris should just take a page from Britney Spears' PR playbook and stop doing live interviews if certain questions hurt him in his BOO FUCKING HOO place. You'd think Chris is a fragile porcelain baby bunny because of how he gets so hurt over simple questions. Guess what, Chris? Fragile porcelain baby bunnies don't break windows when they get butthurt.

So, Rosie needs to update her files, because most of us (I took a poll) think that both Charlie and Chris are awful fucking cunts. Equally. And after Rosie does that, can she please get in my kitchen! Her face has the exact complexion I'd like the top of my lasagna to have.

If you're a gayelle who feels a special kind of tingle when your fuck partner growls like a pit bull gnawing on a bone while going down on you and love it when she shoots pussy balls at your parts using the slingshot from her old talk show, then pinch your nips because it's your lucky day! Page Six reports that Rosie O'Donnell and her girlfriend Tracy Kachtick- Anders have stomped their relationship into a fine powder and fed it to the dandruff mutant monsters that live in Donald Trump's hair. Basically, they broke up.

Tracy, who runs a nonprofit that recruits foster and adoptive homes within the LGBT community, moved her six kids to Florida to be with Rosie's army of four children. A source didn't give a reason as to why the love died like my nerves whenever Elisabeth Hasselcrack talks for more than 3 seconds on The View. But the source did say that Tracy has stayed in Florida and moved to a nearby house, because her kids and Rosie's kids have become close. Rosie's rep didn't address the split but let it be known that Tracy and Rosie were never officially the Lezzie Bunch:

"Rosie and Tracy never officially lived under one roof. They have lived near one another for quite some time, and their families still socialize and they see each other frequently."

I'm not going to comment that Rosie is probably difficult as fuck to live with because she nibbles on your ear lobe one minute and then barks into your ear hole the next when you breathe the wrong way or something. Instead I'm going to blame this split on the most obvious thing....CROCS! CROCS may feel like a warm smile for your feet to some people, but it's made of the labia from Satan's minions and it devours love whenever it gets a chance! And Rosie's relationship ending is a prime example of that shit. And don't get me started on CROCS dildos. Not today.