Jessica Simpson

Last month, the big-tittied frog shamed herself even more as the opening act on Rascal Flatt's tour. Jessica Simpson celebrated the end of her career the tour by diving head first in the booze bottle and not coming out. This has her boyfriend, Tony Romo Ribs, all angry-like and shit.

A source told The National Enquirer, "Tony is fed up. She's been pressuring him to marry her and have children, but he's giving her a firm 'no' until she cleans up her act. Tony won't even consider moving forward with Jess until she cuts back on partying."

That's gross. I don't care how good a dude can dick you, if he says "It's either me or the bo-," drop the peen and proceed to the nearest exit. If it starts with a BO and he's making you give it up, that's not a good thing. It could be booze, Boones Farms, boobs, bongs, Booty Call (Vivica's finest work), etc.... You should not stick around to find out what he's making you quit!

Although, Jessica's career is the Mother's Circus Animal Cookie that has been rotting under my refrigerator for the past 6-months, so maybe she should tell Tony's she's off the sweet nectar and marry him to get her greasy hands on his cash. She could always fill a Listerine bottle with whiskey and chug it whenever Tony's got his head turned. Money before booze. Papa Joe would give me a (click only if you want to cream your panties) TITTY DANCE for writing that. And then I'd have to call the authorities.

It looks like someone smoked a little of the good shit while going through her old Hallmark cards, because the big-tittied frog got all profound and shit in a message she posted on her biggest fansite. I think she might have sprained her one working brain cell while writing this:

Why do we let the sun SET with its beauty, then find ourselves ugly.

Didn't God, whoever he may be to you, create both? If a sunset is beautiful, then so are we.

Love yourself morning, noon, and night. Sunrise. Sunset.

Xo jess

Um. But sunsets don't forget the words to their songs. Sunsets don't have pervy dads who jizz their pants when they comb your hair. And sunsets definitely don't wear diaper jeans.

Aw. I shouldn't get on Jessica. She was doing that thinking thing she tries every now and again. It's endearing! Jessica really is the Stuart Smalley of the chili cook-off world.

This baby sees the future. She's giving the "Why is this big mound of FAIL holding me?" look. Baby knew Jessica Simpson would fail at something else. So what subject did Jessica get her latest F- in? Why country music, of course! Country Music Tattle Tale noticed that every piece of Jessica Simpson has been erased from her label's website. Both SonyMusicNashville and ColumbiaNashville show no trace of the big-tittied frog.

OK! Magazine used their investigative reporting skills and called the receptionist at Jessica's label who told them she has "come off the label." An official label spokeswhore wouldn't say shit about shit.

I almost feel bad for Jessica, but then I tell myself that she has made a zillion dollars from being a dumb stupid whore.

Bitch is already making tons of cash from her nasty ass line of shoes, perfumes and other stupid shit, so she might as well just skip away. Just let the money make itself! Why bother with that "working" crap?! Who needs it!

Homegirl just needs to put on her eatin' dress and settle back into her La-Z-Boy with a sheet cake and a ten-gallon tub of ice cream from Costco. Seriously, the fat gene is aching to bust out of Jessica, so she should just let it come. She can watch her stories, get really fat and have a fucking fantastic life! Fuck, we would all do that if we could. I'm jealous!

UPDATE: The rumors are true. Jessica Simpson was just "on loan" to Sony Nashville and they don't want her ass anymore.

The big-tittied frog slathered herself in Vaseline (Papa Joe just jizzed) to squeeze into her truck stop hooker best to perform at a Strawberry Festival in Plant City, FL yesterday. Yes, a Strawberry Festival. By this time next month she'll be performing at a party to celebrate the new gravel being laid down at a Piggly Wiggly parking lot in Booneville, Mississsippi. The big time!

I know there's a tiny bulge down in Jessica's baby carrying area, but let's stay away from the BABY!!! rumors. That's just irrelevant bloat.

It's funny that she's at a Strawberry Festival, because I can practically see her crotch berries in those denim panties.

Jessica Simpson Fatgate '09 is dying off and bitches have already erased the big-tittied frog from their "relevance" file. So while she was opening up for Rascal Flatts at MSG in NYC last night, Jess decided to put drop a little ammunition in our H8R guns to get more attention.

According to UsWeekly, Jess told the audience, "I've had times when my pants split right down the middle when I bent down to reach a note. That's why I'm wearing a skort - not a skirt, not a short - just so they wouldn't split."

Let's let the canned-chicken-brained bitch believe her voice has the power to split pants. The truth is that when her frog warble hits pubic hair-splitting levels, her pants take the opportunity to bust from that bitch's ass! The dumb skank's pants are splitting in more ways than one.

And you know how Papa Joe is spending his Friday. Bitch will be holed up in his basement with that picture above, Photoshop at his fingertips and a tub of Crisco at his side.

It sounds to me like Jessica Simpson needs to snort a few lines of crushed down Valerian and then take a looooong Calgon bath while listening to some soothing Enya, because bitch is on the verge. Apparently, the big-tittied frog was a mess while opening for Rascal Flatts in Grand Rapids, Michigan last night.

According to Radar and hos who were there, Jessica's fuck-ups started at song #1. Jessica forgot the words to songs, complained about her ear monitor, got weepy in the eyes, said she missed her man, constantly drank water and even asked the band to start over during some shit song called "Pray Out Loud." This is exactly what she did when shit kept going wrong. Jessica whispered in her mic, "Please, God help me through this!" At one point, she apologized to the audience for forgetting the words and said she just wanted to quit that bitch.

Jess' spokeswhore said she wasn't feeling well that day and had an off night.

And I thought the next Brit Brit meltdown would come courtesy of Miley Cyrus. Bitches better keep Jessica away from umbrella and hair clippers, because it sounds like this ho is one "Yooz a FAT bitch" away from going completely nuts. Bitch just needs to push her daddy off a bridge, go eat an entree at Claim Jumper and lay down for a few lifetimes.

Image VIA Radar

(Thanks Kathy)

Okay, Jessica Simpson is totally doing this on purpose. Why would she continue to wear shit that makes her look like she was cut from the same back fat roll as Beth Chapman? The right to wear rubber (or whatever the hell that is) leggings should be approved by a court of law. Papa Joe is probably behind this. He stuffed her sausage thighs into that shit, because he knew she would need help getting out of them. He's going to cut them off with his razor tongue. Ugh.

I feel like she's dressing this way because she hoped the tabloids would play the knocked up card, but instead everyone is throwing the "U SO FAT" shit at her. Homegirl even performed barefoot to give the tabloids an easy cover: BAREFOOT & PREGNANT. I don't think she's knocked up. I just think it's famewhore bloat.

Here's more of Jessica wearing a truly unfortunate outfit while performing in Virginia last night.

I didn't mean that in a McDonald's way. Okay, yes I did, but I also meant that Jessica Simpson is absolutely busting pussy Whoppers over all the attention she's getting about this FAT shit.

Last night during my nightly ritual of watching all those entertainment shows while eating a nutritious snack (a microwaved powdered donut with Hershey syrup on top), I almost chucked at all the Jessica Simpson coverage. That damn picture of her smothered crotch kept flashing on my screen. It almost made me quit my donut, but I could never do that. Not in this economy!

During one of the shows, they even showed a "Jessica Simpson body timeline." Fucking ridiculous. The only person I wanted to hear from about this subject was my mom. This is what she said: "Um....No. She's not fat. Just a little thick, maybe. A little big-boned. Kind of juicy. She could eat more vegetables." Case closed.

And you know Papa Joe hasn't left the house in days. He tries to, but he can't stop the orgasms from all the attention. It's like a sea of Papa Joe semen up in that house. He turns on the TV, sees Kathie Lee talking about his daughter and BOOM! There pops another one.

Anyway, here's Jessica frowning on the outside, but running through a meadow of Pop Tarts on the inside while arriving at some place in Virginia last night.

Asshole Simpson was probably crying in her daddy's lap (and he loooves it), because everyone forgot she existed. Even her baby's name is more famous than she is.

So when some bitches started calling Jessica a fat fuck cow who uses the jelly in donuts to brush her teeth and smothers her face in cake frosting before bedtime so that if she wakes up in the middle of the night there's a delicious surprise waiting for her, Asshole found an opportunity to get a little attention. The poster child for famewhoring wrote this on her blog:

I am completely disgusted by the headlines concerning my sister's weight. A week after the inauguration and with such a feeling of hope in the air for our country, I find it completely embarrassing and belittling to all women to read about a woman's weight or figure as a headline on Fox News.

All women come in different shapes, sizes, and forms and just because you're a celebrity, there shouldn't be a different standard.

Is this something you would say to your wife, daughter, mother, grandmother, or even a friend? I seriously doubt it. How can we expect teenage girls to love and respect themselves in an environment where we criticize a size 2 figure?

Now can we focus on the things that really matter.

Somewhere in the world, Ashlee's old nose is thinking, "Bitch, shut up."

Asshole should really consult with Jessica before she pulls a JLove and starts throwing around the "size 2" shit. Jessica responded to the "You so fat that you start beeping when you back up" jokes to OK!, "Going from a size 2 to a size 8, that's not fat. If I weren't Jessica Simpson, no one would care."

In Asshole's defense, she can only count up to 2.

And what does the president have to do with Jessica's fopa? I'm going to start using that excuse when the creditors call, "I'm disgusted that you are calling me about being ten payments behind. It's only been a week since the inauguration. Let's focus on the things that really matter!"

P.S. - You can go back to forgetting that fucktard named Ashlee Simpson. Delete and reboot.

Jessica Simpson is totally making the "I made a poopy" face. Yes, Jessica, you did. And it's smeared all over your body in the form of that not-right outfit. This is some "Miss Piggy joins the cast of The Real Trailer Park Housewives of Alabama" shit. If you ever want to clear a room or make a grown man cry, wear these diaper mom jeans. Those jeans are making her crotch look all fatty and sloppy. Lardcrotch!

Here's more of Jessica performing at Radio 99.9 Kiss Country's annual Chili Cookoff (how fucking fitting) in Pembroke Pines, FL yesterday. At the show, Jessica told the audience, "I am so excited that I am going to see my boyfriend tonight! My boyfriend is a football player, and he takes up my Sundays and now my Mondays." Replace "football player" with "seven-layer cake" and then this quote would make sense.