Jessica Simpson

Jessica Simpson Twittered this out loud yesterday and really....I can't.....really. I know I'm not one to talk, but...DAMN TO THE FUCK! This has got my two (or three at the most) working brain cells twitching. I mean, she gave us "lazyiness," but spelled "grammar" correctly? Scientists should really study whatever is left of her brain.

You know she probably tried to go to Dictionary.com to answer her question of the century, but ended up at Dicktionary.com instead. For the rest of the day, she only used phrases like "cervix crusader," "baloney pony," and "man-milk dispenser." Papa Joe had the best day ever. His panties didn't.

VIA ONTD

Jessica Simpson's reality show for Vh1, The Price of Beauty, starts shooting next week and the network is shaking their heads while emptying all their pockets, because making Papa Joe's favorite wet dream star look like she just walked out of a Glamour Shots does not come cheap. Page Six says that Jessica's price for beauty is around $25,000 clams per episode. A source said, "She insists on using her own hair, makeup and fashion stylists, who are more expensive than J.Lo's."

A rep for Vh1 said they don't comment on money shit.

$25,000 is not that much*. I'm sure that's less than the booze, lube and morning after-pill budget on any of those Rock of Whore shows. Although, you know most of that money is really going towards Ken Paves' moisturizer bill. If K-Pav doesn't keep his pucker hole moist at all times, he's real a bitch and will refuse to glue polyester hair pieces into Jessica's scalp.

* You know her Hostess Cakes budget is higher.

When Tony Romo dumps a ho, he really really dumps a ho. UsWeekly says that when Tony sent Jessica crying into Papa Joe's open arms (wink from Papa to Tony), he immediately told the security at his gated community in Dallas not to let her in no matter what! Tony issued a red alert! Apparently, this sign is at the entrance:

"RED ALERT!!! TONY ROMO HAS MADE SOME CHANGES TO HIS LIST OF PEOPLE ALLOWED IN....JESSICA IS NO LONGER ON THE LIST AND NOT APPROVED FOR ACCESS."

Jessica got moded (since I'm taking us back to sixth grade)! Seriously, Tony is such an asshole. Red alert? What is Jessica going to do? Sing him a love song a capella outside of his window to get him back? Lick his refrigerator and pantry clean while he's gone? Marry him while he's sleeping (takes notes, Aniston)? Okay, maybe he has a point. No, he doesn't.

You know, this reminds of some crazy bitch I used to work with who told the really hot cholita receptionist not to let her boyfriend in, because he pissed her off that morning. So what did the cholita receptionist do when the boyfriend showed up? She flipped her perfectly feathered burgundy hair and said, "She's in the break room. Go ahead."

I really hope Tony's security guards are just like that hot cholita receptionist.

This year, Jessica Simpson opened a beautifully wrapped gift from Tony Romo only to find a gigantic pink slip inside with the words "YOOZ DUMPD, HAPPEH BIRFDAYS" written on it. A few birthdays back, Jessica got an even worse gift.

Some source (aka Papa Joe using a voice changer) told Page Six, "Several years ago when he was dating Jessica Simpson, he couldn't go to her birthday party because he was on tour. So the night of her birthday she had dinner with Ken Paves and a few friends. Everyone thought John would forget her birthday, but then a gift arrived from him -- it was a DVD of him in concert. Jessica spent the rest of the night watching the DVD on a loop, 'being with him.' It was so sad."

It doesn't surprise me that John Mayer would give himself a wet handjob as a birthday gift to someone else. It also doesn't give me the shocks that Jessica's dumb stupid ass wouldn't realize that a used tampon out of John's ass would make a better gift than that shit! Why does Jessica Simpson have to act like Jessica Simpson?! Bitch needs to eat more fish.

And Jessica probably didn't think it was weird when Papa Joe gave her edible panties, a web cam and a gift certificate to "Papa Joe's House of Bikini Waxing."

Tony Romo sent Jessica Simpson down the gutter of broken hearts right before her birthday and some source tells Radar that it was all because of John Mayer and his homewrecky text messages. Dun! Dun! Dun! Dun!

It's always John and his text messages. I'm telling you, if you ever get a text message from The Mayer don't even look at it! Delete it immediately. If read you it, you will lose your man, your job, your dog will turn on you and your favorite dildo will melt. Destruction!

Jessica learned this the hard way, apparently. The source says that everything between Tony and Jessica was handjobs and rainbows until he looked at her cell phone on Thursday night. “They were hanging out and he picked up her phone and she got defensive about it. Tony found messages from John and went ballistic. Tony dumped her right then. He walked out and that was it," said the source.

Okay, let's be serious for a quick minute. I doubt John text messaged Jessica. Did the texts say shit like: "Snd me pics of ur boobies" or "Wut u wearin"? If so, that wasn't John! That was Papa Joe and his trickery! Damn him!

Papa Joe won't be spending his afternoon in a bubble bath with his Crazy Daisy Love Doll like usual, because he'll be too busy begging Nick Lachey to get back together with Jessica Simpson so they can shoot another reality show together called Newlyweds: Once More With Feeling. Papa Joe knows that Jessica will have to find another way of staying relevant now that Tony Romo has dumped her ass after almost two years together.

A source said that Tony pink-slipped Jessica the night before her birfday. I guess that's one way of getting out of buying her ass a present.

Jessica was planning a Barbie and Ken-themed party for her birthday (and there's the reason why Tony quit her ass), but canceled it. The source went on to say, "She is heartbroken. She loves Tony. But it's been difficult lately. He's busy with his career and she's getting ready to shoot her show (The Price of Beauty). They decided to part ways."

Jessica took a break from drowning her sorrows in sheet cake (Jennifer Aniston already ate the country's supply of packaged cookie dough), to Twitter a little bit. Last night, she wrote: "Everyone needs to know that hope floats...grab the strings and pull it back to you." A few hours later, she added: "Falling asleep with my mom and the dogs. Please lord give all of my beautiful fans, friends, enemies, and family rest. Bring all of us peace."

What she really meant is: PLEASE LORD GET ME THE COVER OF PEOPLE THIS WEEK!

Okay, okay, Jessica Simpson's version of the National Anthem didn't make bald eagles bawl or try to peck out their own ears, but I'm sure they shed a few tears. My ear holes sure fucking did.

The chili cook-off chanteuse almost busted her dress open while singing at the AT&T National Golf Tournament in DC yesterday. There's no need to shout when you've got a microphone in your hand. You are not honoring Billy Mays by doing that, so just quit it.

Jessica's "sober pig getting circumcised with a nail clipper" yodel probably held the game up, because all of the holes on the green closed up during her performance. But you know Papa Joe's hole only widened while he watched Jessica's blow job faces (and her PJ-approved nipples).

Reality TV made Jessica Simpson a big star, so it's no surprise that she's shuffling back there in a bid to keep her name on your tongue (tastes like deep fried Crisco). UsWeekly says that Jessica and some friend will travel the world to see what different cultures see as beautiful. The show is called The Price of Beauty and her spokesbitch confirmed it, but wouldn't give up any details.

Some source said that Jessica and her friend will even try "shocking things that women do to make themselves beautiful. Picture Fear Factor."

Is there a place where they think getting your mouth sewn up makes you look more beautiful? If not, make it up and send Jessica there! Is there also a place where they believe throwing your father into a volcano turns you into an exquisite beauty? If not, make it up and send Jessica and Papa Joe there too!

If this crap ever makes it to air it could be a fun show to watch while playing a drinking game. Every time Jessica's dumb ass unwittingly offends someone of a different culture, drink a shot! Your liver would be raising a white flag after 10 minutes.

Gatecrasher is saying that Cameron Diaz might be rubbing her crusty pizza face all over Adam Levine's nalgas. Does this mean their Hollytard couple name is Camerooooon? You know, because he's in Maroon 5 and shit? No, how dare I use the name of Chantal Biya's precious homeland in the same paragraph as these two twats? Their couple name can simply be Two Dumb Whores. That works the best.

Anyway, some witness-types saw Pizza Face and Adam on a lunch date at Chateau Marmont the other. Cammy was bumping taints with Paul Sculfor (of Jennifer Aniston fame), but I guess she kicked his peen to the gutter and moved on to Adam. This would be the second ex of Jessica Simpson that Cammy is fucking on. The first being John Mayer. That means Tony Romo better keep Biore pads and Palmolive in his bathroom cabinet, because Cammy is coming his way any minute now.

Again, I repeat, Vanity FAIR. More like Vanity FAIL. The hos at Vanity Fair must all have squeaky clean asses, because Papa Joe probably had to lick every last one of them off in order to get his little froglet on the cover. And IN THIS ECONOMY, I'm surprised Vanity Fair took Jessica Simpson on. How many copies of Photoshop, how many pairs of Spanx and how many gallons of liquid foundation did it take to put this mess together? Not since the Pyramids were built....

I mean, homegirl is pinched, sucked and airbrushed to DEATH. They probably had to have an oxygen tank on the set, because Jess couldn't fucking breath. And by "oxygen tank," I mean Papa Joe's mouth. Ugh.

The article that goes along with these works of Photoshop art is kind of hilarious. The dude says shit like:

"Jessica seemed nervous. Her hands trembled. She ordered a glass of Pinot Grigio. It seemed to calm her. She didn’t want to talk about her weight, so, of course, that’s all I could think of—it gilded each question in my mind: What are you working on now [that you’re fat]? Do you see yourself as part of a class, with Christina and Britney [or are you too fat]? Do you feel that your relationship with Tony Romo has affected his performance as a quarterback [because you are fat]?"

And he adds:

"As an actress, she's slightly less skillful than the actress who replaced Suzanne Somers on Three's Company."

WAIT. Is he downing the legendary Jenilee Harrison?! Jenilee has more talent in her bunion than the entire Simpson family combined! I mean, did he ever witness her genius as Jamie Ewing in Dallas?! He needs to issue an apology and eat his fingers.

You can read the entire interview at VF. I can't wait to see who July's cover ho will be. I'm thinking either Heidi Montag or the skank with the pussy on her face from For Love of Ray J.