Mario Lopez

Our favorite fairy princess AC Slater turned another year older and another year closer to the grave as he celebrated his BARFDAY at the Bellagio in Las Vegas last night. What's the deal, he must have sold his soul to the devil to keep looking as succulent as he did back on SBTB. Either that or he spends countless hours obsessing in front of the mirror with his IGIA Clear zit zapper and black head sucker to perfect that overly baby oiled glow. I'll go with the latter.

Oh my douche! Don't tell me it that his dick bag face was jammed on top of his stylish mancake. I'm really surprised he didn't try to airbrush the likeness of his own abs on that delicious pastry.

Mario BLOWpez is absolutely douche-tacular. Notice the mystery slut grinding her vaginal secretions all over his obviously flaccid penis. A weak attempt of sexual arousal, poor dumb ho FAILS. I'm sure he had a whole slew of skanks that were crawling all over his meat in hopes to get a taste of his tenderloin. He'd rather toss salad full of Bacos than stuff his face in a meat pie.

Now that AC Slater is the new host of Extra, he wants to be taken seriously, so he has promised to never pose shirtless in photos again. He told People: "My shirtless photo-shoot days are behind me. My TV projects are my main priority. And no, you will never see me host Extra without a shirt."

Mario Lopez is good for two things: prancing around like a pretty fairytale princess and posing topless. If he's not going to do either of those things, then he needs to quietly check into the nearest retirement home. His services are no longer needed.

But wait! Mario went on to say that he won't take his shirt off for photo shoots, but he will take it off for "Nip/Tuck." Yeah, he's confusing. Mario will reprise his role this season. He said: "Dr. Mike might not be taking anymore showers at the gym with Christian, but he will lose his shirt."

All the body waxing he does is fucking with his brains. You know what, I change my mind. AC Slater, keep the shirt on and while you're at it, put on a muzzle too.

Mario Lopez probably thought he looked like a sexy piece when he showed up to an EA Sports event last week, but unfortunately the chicks around him didn't feel the same way. Rush & Molly claims that everyone was talking about how much foundation and mascara AC Slater had on. Fuck the mascara and foundation. Did he brush his eyebrows with a Sharpie? If he did, he's my new soul ate. Sharpie and lucite are the fastest way to my black heart.

Mario should ring up the cover girl of all cover girls, Zac Efron, for a few beauty tips. While Mark is waiting for Zac to call him back, he should watch this educational video courtesey of Donna Mills. Don't forget to "feather" your eyeliner!

This September, AC Slater will replace Mark McGrath and Dayna Devon as the new host of "Extra." Mark has been kicked off, but Dayna will stay as a special correspondent. Some important person that works on Extra told People, "Mario ... has established himself as a highly engaging, likeable and sought-after host and personality." Likeable to who?! Baboons?

Great, AC Slater is already annoying and now that he's joining an "entertainment news show," he's going to be even more annoying. Mark McGrath was tolerable before he joined "Extra." As soon as I saw him on that show, he instantly became a robot prick. All of those crazy entertainment news people are totally irritating.

Name one that doesn't make you want to wet yourself. Pat O'Brien? CREEPY! Mary Hart? FRAUDULENT! Billy Bush? ACK! Victoria Recano? Ugh! Don't even get me started on that bitch!

When did AC Slater become such a fucking dirty ass tampon? His abs would look so much hotter if he would just shut his damn dick lips already! AC said that he's jealous of Tony Parker because he 's married to Eva LongWHORIA. That's like being jealous of someone for having a bad case of hemorrhoids.

AC said, "We never dated. Unfortunately. We met a long time ago, and she was always with somebody or I was with somebody. But we hit it off and I have the utmost respect for her. Tony Parker is a lucky guy. I was in (sic) her wedding. I walked her mum down the aisle."

It looks like being a slut paid off for Eva LongWHORIA because she dodged a major bullet. If she married the cheater known as AC Slater, she would be crying into Ken Paves beweaved loins every night.

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AC Slater had the audacity to try and recreate one of the iconic images that turned me gay! AC Slater could have stuffed a watermelon patch in his crotch and he still wouldn't have come close to being as hot as Marky Marky circa 1992. AC looks like he was dipped ass grease.

For whatever reason, People Magazine has named AC Slater their "Hottest Bachelor." Yeah, cheating and lie-telling is really hot.

Other douchebags on the list include Brody Jenner, David Cook, Terrence Howard, Brit Brit's brother (for real), Gerard Butler, Bret Michaels (and his crabs), ScarJo's twin brother and the twats from Gossip Girl.

What an illustrious list. The only tool they are missing is KFed.

AC Slater reportedly cheated on Karina Smirnoff Ice with some Hooters ho named Meagan Cooper (above). Meagan told E! News they've been doing secret sexy times for about a year now.

Smirnoff Ice went on "Chelsea Lately" last night and was asked about the Hooters ho. Karina got a little teary and said, "You know, I am okay now. I was little bit upset earlier. But there is no easy way to break up, and, especially when you're in the public eye, it's that much harder. But, you know, it could be worse. It could be Divine Brown." Divine Brown has more elegance in the tip of her Lee press-on nail than that Hooters ho has in her whole body. Smirnoff Ice needs to get her facts straight!

Chelsea joked that it might have been worse if Mario cheated on her with a dude. Chelsea shouldn't joke because that's probably the truth.

AC Slater seriously fucked up. He's going to miss Smirnoff Ice's nasally ass mouse voice whispering in his ear every night.

The clip of Smiroff Ice on Chelsea is below for your viewing enjoyment:

AC Slater and Smirnoff Ice have broken up for good this time! Whatever. These two dumb whores are lie-tellers! A couple of months ago, they both denied they were broken up. How could AC Slater lie to me?

Smirnoff's spokeswhore told People, "Karina has parted ways with her two year relationship with Mario Lopez. The relationship wasn’t heading in the right direction.” Translation: His dick was heading in one direction and her vagina was heading in another.

The two skanks began dating in 2006. There have been many rumors that the two have cheated on each other several times. Well, their genitals have been freed into the wild. Slut it up!

Smirnoff Ice just couldn't handle this:

Dancing with the Stars runner-ups, Mario Lopez and Karina Smirnoff have denied a love affair between them. But on a recent vacation last month to Punta Mita the pair showed they are much more than friends.

A witness said, "She wrapped her legs around him, and they kissed for what seemed like ever. She was giggling and a little bit shy as he kissed her butt. Mario didn’t care and kept kissing her.”

I didn't think Mario was the tossing the salad type. He's probably sucking in her farts to be closer to her. Sorry, I'm really foul. I actually like these two together. They will have beautiful children or something.

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