Jennifer Aniston

When I think of Jennifer Aniston the words "raunchy and kinky" don't really cum on my mind, but apparently she's going to try and bring the sucioness in her new movie. Now that I'm taking my mind to that place, I bet Jennifer gets nasty and dirty with her boyfriend pillow. Jenny probably spits at that bitch, whips it with the tail from one of her stuffed animals and rips off its case to spank it in the chest. So I'm sure she has it in her. Besides, at least she's not in yet romantic comedy that features a break-up montage set to an oldies song.

Anyways, Life & Style (via Page Six) says that Jennifer will play a horny dentist in the dark comedy Horrible Bosses. The movie, which also stars Colin Farrell, Jamie Foxx and Jason Bateman, is about three friends who plot to kill their asshole bosses. A source who claims to have seen the script says that there's a scene in the movie where Jennifer's character does sex to herself while watching Gossip Girl. Jennifer's character goes so hard that she "breaks a nail while pleasuring herself."

Getting carpet burns on your fingers from rubbing that shit so hard, okay. Turning your snatch into steak tartare from overstroking it, okay. But breaking a nail while digging for an orgasm? That's a "take no prisoners" kind of pussy! If your vagina can break your nail, then it should also be able to file, buff and shine.

If you happen to see Jennifer Aniston at the grocery store filling her shopping cart with jars of baby food, there's no need to tap her on the shoulder to tell her that feeding that stuff to her Baby Alive could break it. No, Jennifer is buying the baby food for herself! That's because she's apparently on something called The Baby Food Cleanse. Jennifer Aniston is turning "making it easy" into an art form.

OK! Magazine says that Jennifer Aniston hired GOOPY's partner in assholery, Tracy Anderson, to help her "shift" a few pounds before she started shooting her latest movie in Hawaii. Tracy immediately put Jennifer on The Baby Food Cleanse, which involves eating 14 portions of pureed food a day followed by a healthy dinner. Basically, you eat fruit barf all day so that your butt can barf all night.

A source, "Tracy is all about 'clean eating', which means no oils, spices or salt. With 'baby eating', the food is easily processed by the body. Tracy believes efficient digestion equals quick weight loss. But this is a temporary diet for shifting a few pounds quickly, before going back to a normal, healthy eating plan."

No, that's not weird at all. It also isn't weird that Jennifer Aniston puts on a bib and bonnet and forces her assistant to spoon feed her in a giant high chair. And it's the opposite of weird that Jennifer insists on sleeping in a crib and asks her driver to push her around in a stroller. If Jennifer keeps that shit up, St. Angie Jo is going to adopt her ass! Hey, if you can't beat them (the holy child army), join them!

Here's Baby Jen with Nicole Kidman on the set of that movie in Hawaii yesterday.

Brad Pitt and Angie Jolie need to start monitoring Maddox's cell phone usage, because it looks like he's been cranking UsWeekly again. I take that back. Maddox needs to keep on, because this shit is hilarious.

The other day, Maddox forced his assistant Shiloh to speed dial UsWeekly so that he could tell them all about how his daddy thinks his arch rival Jennifer Aniston is a pathetic, desperate hag of epic proportions. Poor Shiloh got a cramp in her arm, because she had to hold up the phone to Maddox's ear so that he could file his nails at the same time. Maddox thinks only peons use Bluetooth and he doesn't like to waste a minute of his day.

Anyway, a source (let's just play along) tells UsWeekly that Billy Goat Brad was fuming mad when he found out that Jennifer Aniston was on the cover of Architectural Digest. Billy Goat huffed, puffed, meeeeeeh-ed and stomped around. Shit got so bad that Angie gave him a tire to chew on so that he could calm down.

The source explained, “Brad thinks she is pathetic. He was disgusted when Jen felt the need to parade herself in the pages of Architectural Digest. Brad feels this is all so desperate. It was a ploy to get his attention.”

This is not true, but if it is Billy Goat needs to climb up a tree and shut up. If he's so mad he should get back at Jennifer Aniston by posing on the cover of Beanie Baby Weekly or some shit.

Last week, InTouch's cover story was a remake of Mommie Dearest starring St. Angie Jo as an evil monstress who recharges her cunt gene by laughing at her children's cries. This week, InTouch's cover story is remaking Romeo & Juliet with Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt as the star-crossed lovers who want to be together but can't because Maddox forbids it (you should always listen to Maddox).

The same bodyguard/fanfiction writer who painted Angie as a cold-hearted cuntress is also saying that Jennifer and Brad secretly meet up when St. Angie's private investigator (aka God) is not watching.

If you're feeling the need to punch a bunny this morning, channel your inner Brangeloonie (it helps if you put on mom jeans from Walmart and a Tomb Raider sweatshirt with suspicions stains on it) while reading this mess. From InTouch:

In an exclusive interview, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt’s former bodyguard reveals that since Brad and his ex-wife Jennifer Aniston reconnected at the 2009 Academy Awards, they have hooked up four times — three times in LA and once in New York — and even recently shared a passionate kiss. “I know that he still loves her,” the ex-bodyguard Bill, who for security reasons chooses only to be identified by his first name, tells In Touch.

In fact, there was one date that Bill says brought them closer than ever — and since then, their relationship has heated up even more. Brad and Jen arranged a secret meeting at the trails off of Western Canyon Road in Beverly Hills on December 9, Bill says.

At 3:30p.m., Jen pulled up to the location in her Bentley, and Brad arrived on his motorcycle. After Brad climbed into Jen’s passenger seat, “They were very cozy, clearly embracing,” Bill reveals for the first time. “Several times, Brad and Jen were hugging and kissing.” After talking and nuzzling for about 30 to 40 minutes, Bill, who was on “paparazzi watch,” advised the pair that they should leave, as photographers were spotted just a few miles away. “Jennifer left first, flashing Brad a quick peace sign and a smile,” says Bill. “Brad jogged back to his motorcycle, drove off and went for an hour bike ride.”

Then Jen woke up when Gerard Buttlered her culo again.

Let's just say there's a sprinkle of truth to this, why would Jen fuck around with Brad now?! That bitch had Brad when he was at the height of his hotness. Just keep that taste on your tongue and move on. If Jen really wants to know what it feels like to be chin tickled by a goat, she should go to a damn petting zoo instead.

On the Johnjay and Rich radio show this morning, Gerard Butler was asked about the picture of him giving Jennifer Aniston's culito a poke in Paris. Instead of just stamping that picture with "THE BUTLER DID IT," Gerry laughed that shit off:

"I'm a bit of a bad boy. By the way, I'm still not sure my hand was really on her butt. I think that's just the way the camera was angled. I actually haven't seen it."

Gerry also denied that he spends his nights at Jennifer Aniston's house where they play fake husband and wife, "If I was going out with Jennifer, I'd be more than happy to say I'm going out with Jennifer -- it's just not true."

Back to the butt bang thing, methinks this is just Gerry's way. Gerry's finger just has a mind of its own. If you're standing next to Gerry, you're going to get an impromptu prostate exam. Because of this, Gerry shouldn't be surprised when Tommy Girl shows up at his side and refuses to leave.

When Jennifer Aniston was having trouble coming up with a name for her signature scent, some of you were kind enough to throw her a few ideas like "Pittiful Pleasures" and "J'Alone." Can't you just picture a dusty box of J'Alone sitting on a discount shelf at Ross next to the newborn baby section (Ross is evil). Picture perfect.

Unfortunately, Jennifer Aniston has gone in a different direction. A source tells Life & Style that Jennifer will call her perfume Lola V. Yes, LOLA V! Is that the formal name for LOLvag? Maybe it's short for Lonely Vagina. Or maybe just maybe, Jennifer named her perfume after Gerard Butler's cunty ass dog Lolita. If that's the case, then I'm okay with the name. Anything named after a bitch who don't play is fine by me.

Jennifer Aniston is taking Lamaze classes and pulling out the birthing pool, because she's about to give birth to herself once again. And you know she's going to throw herself a baby shower and shit.

Jennifer tells Harper's Bazaar UK that she's spent the last five years throwing out useless shit (i.e. Brad's bath water, her first death threat letter from Maddox, etc..) and is ready to begin anew. Tell the band to the play the theme song to Starting Over. Jen said, "The last five years have been about spring cleaning for me. Now it's time for my rebirth. I love trying new things. I can't just be put in a box."

What is this rebirth shit?! Just try not to throw Jennifer an obvious side-eye when she stops you on the street to show you pictures of her reborn self. Just do what you normally do in a situation like that: lie and say "HOW ADORABLE!" before moving on.

Jennifer also talked about her beauty secrets, which don't include Botox, "I could do it, and I mean these lines are getting deeper every day, but when I tell you what's happened to me - these lines are just about living. Look I eat really well and I work out, but I also indulge when I want to. I don't starve myself in an extremist way. You're not taking away my coffee or my dairy or my glass of wine because I'd be devastated. My advice: just stop eating shit every day."

Stop eating shit? I could make a joke about Gerard Butler's asshole hunting finger, but I'll let you do the honors.

Gerard Butler's finger isn't comfortable unless it's dry massaging someone's no-no hole (see: Jeffrey Dean Morgan), so I'm sure Jennifer Aniston is used to his finger banging shenanigans.

TMZ has a bunch of pictures of Gerry Butler giving it to Aniston while posing for a picture with a fan in Paris. But seriously, we can try to explain this a million ways. We can say that Gerry is performing the Bobby Brown maneuver on Aniston by trying to pop one of her doody bubbles. We can also say that Gerry is trying to resuscitate Aniston's unconscious genitals. But we all know what's really going on here. This is Aniston's way of flipping off the Brangeloonies.

And here's some pictures of Aniston and The Butler at the Paris and Berlin premieres of The Bounty Hunter. You already know where his finger is in most of these pictures. Get that shit (pun intended), Gerry!

No, I'm not talking about her:

I'm not talking about him either:

I'm talking about THIS:

It's as if Bonnie Parker robbed an eyebrow shaping salon instead of a bank! This beauty's eyebrows look like two sticks of dynamite itching to be LIT! She still gives me fire without the flame, though. In a perfect world, Gerry and Jennifer would be taking pictures of her! Sigh. Life just doesn't make sense sometimes.

Here's Gerry and Jennifer (who is wearing some kind of Statue of Liberty gown made out of condom skins) at the NYC premiere of The Bounty Hunter last night.

43-year-old David Schwimmer is getting married to 24-year-old photographer Zoe Buckman! These two crazy lovebirds met in London in 2007 while David was directing Run Fat Boy Run. This will be the first marriage for both of them.

David and Zoe have been dating for around 3 years, so you can stop trying to hand her that gold digging shovel! Besides, a trained gold digger digs with her mouth. Speaking of mouths, Zoe isn't puckering in the picture above because the money is so close she can actually taste it! No, she's puckering because pretending to suck on David Schwimmer's peen makes her happy. So there's really no need to embrace her into the Gold Diggers Club just yet!

Anyways, here's Ross' TRUE TRUE love Rachel Green looking more like Rachel Orange while doing stuff in NYC yesterday afternoon and this morning.