Jennifer Aniston

In an interview with Red magazine to promote her bottle of cat hairs and scented lonely tears, Jennifer Aniston said that she's her own best friend (too. easy.), doesn't really enjoy dating (too. easy. the sequel.) and would choose love over her career. Same Forever Aloneiston shit, different magazine. But the interviewer did tell her that since both her and George Clooney are constantly being pressured by the media to get married and birth babies, they should get together. YES! Brad Pitt can be the best man and Maddox can ruin the wedding by locking the flower girl in the janitor closet and taking her place. He'll throw the polyester guts of Jennifer's favorite Cabbage Patch doll children instead of rose petals. This is a brilliant idea. Jennifer agrees:

"That would definitely shut up the world! I could call up George, say, 'Hon, let’s just get hitched and have kids...' I should take George to lunch and we can figure out how to put an end to all this... Ha! Well... No."

Jennifer Aniston always getting labeled as "the miserable sadling who comes to Thanksgiving dinner by herself and always asks if she could fix a plate to take home to her dog" is great for business. SAD ALONE JEN sells magazines. And Aniston knows this so she plays it up.

And on a totally different note, the interviewer who brought up the George Clooney thing is probably wondering why somebody sent them an empty envelope in the mail. That envelope wasn't empty. It contained the spit and queef of George Clooney's girlfriend Elisabetta Canalis. Consider that a warning from Elisabetta.

via Popsugar

I've always know that Jennifer Aniston has Brangeloonie-like fans who will fight for her honor by stabbing my inbox with slashes like this: "dear michael gay, don't hate aniston because you wish you were a hot single sexy woman like her. looser." (Very true, and I also wish I had the world's largest crochet kitten collection and could keep a straight face while doing tequila body shots off my boyfriend pillow. Jealous=me). But I didn't know that Aniston had hardcore fans who wear homemade shrine t-shirts to meet her at the launch of her perfume J'Alone in Mexico City!

Yes, Jennifer's publicist most likely promised everyone in the crowd an autographed picture of Maddox if they showed up, but this little girl gave it her all! Homegirl's weeping is so intense that Jennifer will take pity upon her, adopt her and give her one of the top bunks in the Cabbage Patch barracks. Maddox will eventually break into the barracks and take the girl away since he can never let Aniston be happy! Wait, I see what homegirl is doing. Well. Played.

Even though that amazing t-shirt is sort of a "fuck you" to Aniston since she claims she hates the Rachel cut, I still want one.

In an Internet commercial for Agua Inteligente, Jennifer Aniston acts out one of her recurring dreams which features an endless amount of PUPPIES!, fake babies and soft-core hair porn. It really is like an Aniston dream! Puppies that keep your crotch warm and babies that you can turn off with the touch of an ESC button? It's like heaven on Aniston's earth. Although, I'm not sure if the babies in her dreams freak like 6th grades at a spring dance. That's a story for Maddox to leak to the tabloids.

SmartWater's whoring for hits video also features cameos by Keenan Cahill, Brad Wollack and Double Rainbow Dude. I'm guessing that SmartWater couldn't afford Antoine Dodson's minimum appearance fee. I'm also guessing that the Backin' Up Backin' Up Lady refused to participate, because she only drinks water if it's cut with coffee and powdered cream.

via Lainey Gossip

10,000 square feet of luxury that has been christened with Jennifer Aniston's tequila-infused miserable tears of loneliness can be yours for only $42 million. Jennifer bought the Beverly Hills house in 2006 for 13.5 million, and spent 2 years and $15 million on renovating it. When the last strip of shag rug was laid down, Jennifer dubbed the place "Ohana," which is Hawaiian for "OhaaaaaaawcomeIdonthaveaman." The house was featured in an Architectural Digest cover spread and Jennifer told the magazine that the house felt like a "hug" to her. No comment. Too easy. Etc...

People (via Gawker) reports that the house isn't officially on the market yet. Jen's broker is quietly showing the place to an "elite group" of real estate agents. Jen also told People recently that when she was in London, she had an epiphany and realized that her life is too cluttered. That's when she decided to downsize and sell her house. Jen said, "I had the realization that this is just too much for me. I'm not this person."

BUT FOR 42 MILLION FUCKING DOLLARS?! For $42 million I can buy the Lost island and build a clone of Tattoos and tamed smoke monsters who will feed me Dharma caviar from a spoon made of Lovey Howell's diamond earrings. 42 MILLION?! You know how long it would take for Maddox to save up his allowance so that he can buy Jennifer's house and then torch it with a flaming Beanie Baby? At least 4 weeks. That's three lifetimes in Maddox years. I swear, Jennifer better include her entire Beanie Baby underground dungeon for that price.

And you know, I sort of like her house. It's like a luxury Polynesian porn hotel. If I opened the door to that bedroom, I would not be surprised to find Roller Girl ogling at Dirk Diggler's dick.

Jennifer Aniston & Jakey Gyllenhaal?! How's that for a heaping dose of LOL in your morning cup of whatever. It's true that Jennifer and Jakey's nipples became two for one of her better movies, The Good Girl, but that was just make believe play time stuff! But now Life & Style is trying to say that maybe just maybe, Jakey and Jennifer have brought their frosted mall photo love into real life. Their proof? Jennifer had herself a birthday dinner at The Spotted Pig last night, and Jake slipped out the back door so he wouldn't be photographed with her. And there's more. El fuckery from Life & Style:

Life & Style’s Scene Queens can exclusively reveal that Jennifer Aniston celebrated her 42nd birthday on Feb. 11 by having an intimate dinner with Jake Gyllenhaal in NYC.

The startlet took a break from her whirlwind promotional tour for her new film Just Go With It and made her way to The Spotted Pig restaurant where she dined in a private room with a group of friends and her former hunky co-star. “Jake and Jen looked really happy and really seemed to be enjoying themselves,” an eyewitness tells the Scene Queens. “They looked like they were strategizing a way to exit the restaurant probably because they didn’t want to be photographed together.” Shortly after their discussion Jen exited the restaurant with her friends in tow. Though Jake was not in the group, it is possible he could have snuck out the back door while no one was looking.

This romantic birthday dinner only adds fuel to the fire that Jen and Jake’s longtime friendship could be something more. The duo was spotted just weeks ago at a pre Golden Globes party in L.A where they were flirty.

First of all, Jake always prefers the back door so that doesn't mean shit. Second of all, yes, scientists have already discovered that the cicadas humming in the hills above Malibu aren't cicadas humming in the hills above Malibu. It's Jennifer Aniston chanting for a husband and children. But even she would not sign up to be Jakey's latest Taylor Swift. Bitch ain't that desperate. Besides, have you ever seen a beard with $800 highlights and a $200 blow out?

Jake, please tell us how you feel about this shit:

Here's Jennifer Aniston covering her face while leaving The Spotted Pig last night after finding out that Justin Bieber is probably going to wipe his diaper all over her movie this weekend. And according to the reviews, that might be an upgrade.

Despite shooting a tiny cameo in Jennifer Aniston's movie Just Go With It, Heidi Montag says that she was put on the blacklist for the NYC premiere earlier this week. Heidi tells UsWeekly that Jennifer Aniston banned her. Oh, Jennifer, if this is your way of getting us to really, really, REALLY, really like you, it's working! Keep it up and let the Kardashians shoot a cameo in your next movie. But back to Talking Heidi. Heidi thinks that Jennifer didn't want her stealing all spotlights.

"I'm so upset. I was so excited! This is the first movie I've ever been in and I can't walk the red carpet because Jennifer Aniston decided I was 'too polarizing.'

I've been such a huge Jennifer Aniston fan my entire life and it's just really upsetting that she would do this to me. She should know how hard it is to make a career for yourself and to have someone like Jennifer Aniston go out of her way to make things hard for me is really disheartening."

Heidi does realize that "polarizing" doesn't mean "fucking annoying as fuck fuck", right? But really, Jennifer Aniston denies she got Heidi banned and I believe her. Jennifer's Baby Alive is made of less plastic than Heidi and she loves it so. Heidi is just like a Baby Alive except sluttier looking and with bigger boobs. Jennifer would never deny a Baby Alive. My guess is that Heidi is just talking bullshit as usual and the real story is that she couldn't get a flight to NYC. Every time Heidi tried to get past the TSA, they'd stop her, poke at her a few times, pick her up, shake her and then throw her in a bin. When Spencer Pratt yelled at them, they pointed at the "NO EMPTY PLASTIC BOTTLES" sign. Rules are rules, Heidi!

File this under: The shit you've got to do to sell a damn movie. The threat of spending the rest of her day covered in flea dip while her clothes burn in a chimenea in the backyard was not great enough to keep Jennifer Aniston from pushing her movie! Jen put a Frontline bracelet on her wrist and got all her shots backstage before taking part in an improv skit with professional fuckery provocateur Tila Tequila for Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis. Here I was thinking that the only time I'd ever see Jennifer Aniston and Tila Tequila sitting next to each other would be at a welcome parade for the Four Horsemen.

Why couldn't this have been St. Angie Jolie instead? Angie Jo would've mistaken Tila for a destitute orphan baby little person and adopted her on the spot.

On a positive note, those ferns and Zach's beard look pretty.

Or maybe she heard that rubbing will make it so. (Trust me, it doesn't. This coming from someone who has developed raisins on his fingers from trying to get his piece to bring on the grand finale). One of those will be Star Magazine's headline next week along with the story that Jennifer Aniston wore a black sheer dress to the NYC premiere of Whatever Rom-Com She's In This Month, because she's mourning the sad end of her pretend divorce from her pretend husband who left her for his pretend co-star. And now she's a single mother to an army of Beanie Babies! The bottom of that dress would make a hot veil if she pulled it over her head.

New York City is colder than the glare Maddox is throwing at these pictures of Jennifer Aniston wearing the color he's trying to trademark as his signature shade and obviously she's not feeling it. That's what eating a bowl of vodka soup for dinner will do. Nothing warm the cockles of your EVERYTHING like being drunk (and wearing feet warmers on your nipples).

Jennifer also recently gave some interview to People Magazine where she said she hasn't dated had a boyfriend for over a year and she knows that one day the wedding inspiration wall that takes up half of her attic will be put to good use:

"I think people honestly just want to see me as a mom and married and barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. And I just want to say, 'Everybody, relax! It's going to happen.'"

See, Jennifer totally plays into this shit. Because what she should really say is that who needs a full-time peen and screaming kids who take up your happy hour time when you've got TEQUILA! And Heather Locklear's old hair.

Here's Forever Aloneiston along with Adam Sandler, some kids, Brooklyn Decker, Dave Matthews and Adam Sandler at premiere of that shit you're not going to see.

Since most of Hollywood is sneezing out babies everywhere, it was only a matter of time before Jennifer Foreveralone-iston gets in on the dirty diaper action. CORRECTION: It was only a matter of time before a magazine reports that Jennifer Aniston is getting in on the dirty diaper action. Star Magazine is saying that Jennifer has made space in her Cabbage Patch nursery for a real-life baby friend from Mexico!!! Mexico is Jennifer's favorite locale to sun her nipples while miserably weeping into a Corona bottle, so it's the perfect place for her to get a baby of her very own. And apparently, Jennifer volunteers at an orphanage there. A source claims Jennifer has already signed the adoption papers. Jezebel has the issue and they broke it down:

In between yoga on the beach and drinks in the cabana, she likes to volunteer at one specific orphanage, Casa Hogar Sion in Tijuana, and the orphanage director calls her a "friend." According to the mag, Jen has already signed papers to adopt a child, and the kid will be in her arms by her 42nd birthday on February 11th. We don't know for sure that the baby is coming from Casa Hogar Sion, but the director says "no comment," which, in celebland, totes means yes!

Jen already has a gender-neutral nursery in her Beverly Hills home, with a Harry Potter mural on the ceiling.

I won't believe a word of this until I see a tiny Asian boy in painter overalls sashaying out of Jennifer's Beverly Hills home just as I hear her screaming after finding out that her "Harry Potter" ceiling mural is actually a giant portrait of Maddox winking.

But if it is true, I really hope Jennifer fulfills my lifelong dream of a celebwhore naming their baby CONCEPCIÓN. Jen's supposed baby is coming from Mexico, so it fits. And Concepción Cool Aniston really does have a nice ring to it.

UPDATE: Shit. Just as I hit publish, Jennifer's rep told People that Star Magazine must have ripped this story out of her dream journal, because it's not true at all.

So yeah, this is Jennifer Aniston in Allure, and it's not a picture from a Real Doll photo shoot art directed by a pedophile with a Snuggle Bear fetish. It's like a still from an old Law & Order episode about a Baby Jane-like plastic surgery addict who just can't let go of her child beauty pageant days. Just because Aniston is posing with her favorite teddy bear baby she adopted from a doll nursery last summer doesn't mean this mess is cute. Just. No.

Creepiness aside, Jennifer finally admits that the Rachel cut is a work of fugness that doesn't belong on anybody's head! The cut that terrorized heads in the 90s and projected to the public "I'm an asshole for getting my hair cut like a fucking TV character!" was not Jennifer's favorite thing.

"Let's just say there have been moments I'd rather not relive, like that whole Rachel thing. I love Chris [McMillan, her hairstylist], and he's the bane of my existence at the same time because he started that damn Rachel, which was not my best look. How do I say this? I think it was the ugliest haircut I've ever seen. What I really want to know is, how did that thing have legs?"

And it still has legs. You don't know how many retail managers and real estate office receptionists I've seen with that haircut. And you know what's creepier than that picture of Aniston above? The fact that I regularly stare at the heads of retail managers and real estate office receptionists.

Jennifer also talked about her fascination with The Bachelor and how she doesn't understand how those girls can shrivel into a dehydrated pod of loneliness when they get dumped.

"You know what I find fascinating? The Bachelor. I was mesmerized by how these girls, they meet this guy, they have three dates together or something, and they're weeping as though they've just lost the love of their life. I don't understand that."

Too easy, so I'll just leave you with more Photoshopped pictures of Jennifer looking like JLo and a female doll version of STAINS.