Jennifer Aniston

I'm surprised these two didn't combust from desperation. I know, I'm such a fake romance hater. But Jenny Aniston is gazing at John Mayer the same way I look at a 99 cent McDonald's cheeseburger or a 9 inch hard dick! When was the last time you looked at a dude that way? Gazes like this are only meant for delicious food products or big peens. Mayer is neither of those. A big bag of rubber vaginas, yes. But not a big peen. And she's looking directly up his nose and you know that shit is full of mocos. There's nothing romantic about that.

Anyway, Jenny has a movie coming out about a dog, so she decided it was time to polish off her "Ah's soooo in lurveeees" gaze and bring John Mayer out for a little surprise candid photo shoot with the pappies. If these pictures were black and white, they would look exactly like those fake ass photos that come with new frames.

Here's Jenny and John leaving La Esquina in NYC last night after having dinner with Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos. See! Kelly and Mark are behaving like a real couple. They aren't looking at each other and probably getting the dry heaves when they touch. That's real love!

Jennifer Aniston was on Letterman last night to whore out that doggy movie and most of the interview was a lukewarm bowl of boring. Aniston interviews should really come with a big injection of speed, because they bring the zzzzzs. The only time the shit she says is kind of interesting is when she talks about you know who. I think Letterman sort of, kind of tried to bring it up by showing Jenny the "uncool" cover. Jenny looked at the thing like it was Saint Angie's latest ultrasound. I've never noticed this before, but Jenny has the laugh of a 65-year-old smoker with a guilty conscience. It's like when someone asks me if I farted. I give one of those raspy "you so funny, but oh-so-right" laughs.

After the Vogue cover, Letterman moved on to her "puppy does Playboy" cover on GQ Magazine. Jenny surprised Letterman by giving him the same tie used for the cover. Yes, she just gave away the tie like that! Saint Angie would've blessed it by smearing her holy water saliva all over it. Then she would have auctioned it off for a million dollars and used the money to save the lives of ten thousand orphans! Or Angie would have unraveled the tie and made hundreds of mosquito nets out of it. And Aniston just gave it away like that! Pff!

If you care about watching this shit, click here for part 1 and here for part 2 of Jenny's little chat with Letterman last night.

And below is Jenny outside of Letterman trying to find a man and some available kids. Is it just me or does her dress look like it's tucked into her chonies?

The premiere of Marley & Me in Los Angeles last night belonged to the real star of the movie, Clive the dog. Clive is the main bitch who played Marley opposite that naked lady and the dude who looks like he got into a fight with a frying pan and lost. Speaking of the naked lady, methinks Jennifer Aniston used Clive as inspiration for her "give doggy a bone" pose on GQ. And yes, that's Jennifer in the black dress below. I know, you can hardly recognize her with clothes on!

Speaking of, Jenny's naked ass was what everyone was asking about during last night's premiere. Jenny said, "I wasn't trying to make any statement." Cut to Clive yawning and then licking his no-nuts area. Of course, she was trying to make a statement. The statement being: LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME!

When UsWeekly asked Jenny's lump of moldy caca boyfriend, John Mayer, about the pictures, he pulled out his portable stage, threw on a top hat, grabbed his cane, did a little tap dance number and then said, "If I have a problem with that cover, I should just pack up the Toyota and head out of town. I'm just gonna get ready to put my knuckles in the air for it. No, don't make me hold it - you're pimping me out! Because when I touch it, angels die."

He should get out of town anyway and immediately head to the nearest Chinese restaurant to serve soggy dumplings. I mean, he already has the outfit for it.

Here's a few more others who came out to celebrate Clive's big night including Courtney Cox who looks like she's been spending a lot of time with Demi Moore's private plastic surgeon.

Rachel Green!!! Put on some clothes, woman! Wearing the tie does not make it classy! Save that fuckery for your Match.com ad! I feel like an overprotective mommy who just wants to throw a trench coat on Jenny's ass and take her to get an ice cream float so that I can talk her about the dangers of famewhoring. I would expect this from a twatty like Miley Cyrus, but Aniston? And she really should have worn that tie over her mouth, because she's still talking about you....know....who....

Of course, she was asked about "them." Jenny called it the "insane Bermuda Triangle." The writer of the article, Mark Kirby, brought Angie Jo's interview from October of this year where she said she hoped her kids would watch Mr. & Mrs. Smith so they can see where their parents fell in love.

Unfortunately, Jenny didn't throw her Diet Coke on Mark and scream, "Shut the fuck up about that homewrecking whore!" Instead, she said, "Well, you know, that was definitely a confirmation for me of something that wasn't quite confirmed at the time. But listen... You sit there and you... No. No daggers through the heart. I laugh. Am I surprised? Well, how do I say this?... Considering the source, nothing surprises me."

By "the source" she means Maddox, because it's well known that he feeds Angie Jo all her lines during interviews. He really knows how to make it burn.

When Mark asked more about the whole Brangafuckinglina situation, Jenny finally cracked a joke instead of answering it seriously. "The funny thing is that people don't realize we all go away to the Hamptons on the weekends. No. Can you imagine? That'd be hysterical: I've got Zahara on my hip, and Knox..."

She needs to do more of this. Either say "STFU about that" or make some kind of joke. However, the joke would have been better if she said she goes shooting and dagger throwing with Maddox and the other deities every weekend. Instead of shooting cans, they shoot Rachel Green cardboard cutouts.

VIA omg!

Before we start: OMG OWEN WILSON'S FACE! What is the meaning of this?! I'm hoping it's just an awful picture, but damn, damn, damn. He looks like a lezzie memaw who just finished eating a whole lemon without her dentures on. HIS FACE! Okay, now that we've gotten that out of the way.

In an interview with USA Today, Jennifer Aniston says she doesn't get why people are so up in her life and wants them to get off her jock. She says, "I think it's ridiculous. There's just this insatiable need. I am honestly getting sick of it, and I feel like telling people, 'You know what? It's none of your (expletive) business.' Seriously, it's enough. It's like we're appealing to the lowest … And this is at a time when we should be so inspired and excited with what's happening with the president. It's a time to be positive and join together. We're just trying to entertain you, man. Don't shoot the messenger."

What expletive did Jenny use? If she used "motherfucking" or "cunty," then we shall be married in a sunset beach ceremony. If she did not, then she needs to suck on a whoopie pie and stop her moaning. If she really wants people to stop yapping about her, then she needs to pack up her Real Baby and join me on a car ride. I'll play John Mayer songs as we make our way up the mountain. Then I'll escort her to her new cardboard house in a bear cave. I'll even set up a place for her anti-Brangelina shrine. Jenny will be happy there and people will never talk about her whining ass again. Wish granted!

That said, I am thankful for Jennifer Aniston. Without her, this amazing rap video just wouldn't be the same (skip to 0:50). Urkel + Aniston + Winnie Cooper = GOLD. This needs a remake.

Thanks CB

We see a lot of celebwhores trying to cover up their faces from the paps for whatever reason. Honestly, it makes them look stupider, but let's not tell them that. Instead, let's cash in on it.

These dumb dumbs will buy anything designer that's really expensive, so we should sell some kind of cardboard box that they put over their head so their face doesn't get papped. Of course, we'll cover the cardboard box in Louis Vuitton leather or some shit so it looks fancy. We'll also personalize the boxes by stitching it with phrases like: "Hi. It's Jennifer Aniston underneath here. Please leave me alone." Because celebwhores still want us to know it's them, but want us to think they want privacy. And if the phrase isn't enough for them, we'll super glue their head shot on the box too. We'll be rich!

And if you're not already asleep from looking at these pictures of Jenny Aniston in L.A., you will be soon, so below I've provided you a lovely lullaby video tribute of our beloved Live Feed Puppies. The video is beautiful, but the song is all wrong. It should be "Goodbye" by the Spice Girls instead.

Jennifer Aniston might as well tattoo the word "uncool" on her ass because it's going to follow her wherever she goes for the rest of her life. Every reporter will ask her about that whole "uncool" thing she said. Entertainment Weekly did and Jenny answered it by basically saying it was very uncool of Vogue to focus on that comment, "I was just surprised that Vogue would go so tabloid. I was bummed. But you almost expect it. Big deal. Done. Next." Anna Wintour is so the new Bonnie Fuller.

Jenny also addresses those rumors that she has two fetuses living in her womb. "Oh my God, it's hysterical. It's almost going to take away the fun from actually being able to say one day, 'I'm pregnant!' Stop stealing my thunder, motherfuckers!"

Jenny finds it so hysterical that she laughs until she realizes that the rumors aren't true and then she cries so hard that she has to laugh again to keep from crying. It's a vicious cycle.

I'll admit that reading Jen say the word "motherfuckers," made me like for two quick seconds. Cursing is the way to my heart. Yup, it's that easy. Say the word "motherfucker" or "cunt" around me and I'll be yours forever.

And since there's a puppy in these pictures, you must click here! Your screen is looking a little dirty.

On her show yesterday, Oprah asked Jenny Aniston if she was dating that one person named John Mayer. Jenny perked up and said "YES!" and she also said "NO!" to being knocked up. Although, when she was out in NYC with her pat tampon, she sort of looked a little pregnant-y in the area where fetuses live. It's probably just her body huffing up from Jen using the word "uncool." It's uncool bloat. You know, I can't stop thinking about that stupid fucking word thanks to her. The word "uncool" is the uncoolest word ever. Can we please have a funeral for the word uncool this weekend?

Anyuncool, even though Jen didn't really want to talk about her whatevership with John Mayer, he didn't mind talking about love and marriage at a recent event in NYC. When OK! asked about his love life, John joked, "I have not been very lucky. I've had a terrible life." John then started asking the female reporter about her own love life, if she was married and for how long. This led to John talking about marriage proposals. He said, "I think I'd be pretty good at that. I'd figure that out. I'd get creative."

By creative, he means on the cover of OK! Magazine or in front of hundreds of paparazzi with a TMZ live feed. So uncool. FUCK!

In a case a Brangaloonie glamoured you into forgetting what Jenny Aniston said about Saint Angie in Vogue, click here to get caught up.

The Chicago Sun-Times says that Brad Pitt rang up his ex-wife to whine to her about the shit she said in Vogue. Jenny even told the magazine that she had complete admiration for Brad, but he still had to interrupt her daily faux wedding with her cats to bitch about it.

A source said that Brad and Angie were "totally thrown" by the interview and thought she had ''moved on ... and wouldn't want to reopen this old wound.''

Jen's spokesbitch only said, ''That's personal information. ... That really is no one's business.'' The spokesbitch went on to say, ".....But you can read all about in Jen's next interview."

You know, Brad cheating on Jen was very uncool. And Saint Angie opening up her ass lips about it was uncool too. AND Brad calling up to cry about Jen's uncool statement is even more uncool. Brad and Angie need to take their collective uncoolness, mold it into a stick and take turns shoving it up both of their asses.

If you'll excuse me, I'm off to find a True Blood vampire to glamour me into removing the word "uncool" permanently from my vocabulary.

Earlier, I posted some shit about Jenny Aniston telling Vogue Magazine that "what Angelina did was very uncool." I figured the comment was in response to the goddess using her vaginal powers to bring Brad Pitt to the dark side. Her comment really wasn't about that. She's saving that comment for the next movie she has to whore out.

UsWeekly reports that when the dude who interviewed Jenny for the magazine asked her about Saint Angie, she asked if he could turn off the tape recorder. Jenny then started ripping up her sofa cushions and pulling out her little ass hairs. When she was done with that, she wanted to talk about how she didn't think it was hot of Saint Angie to give a detailed timeline to the press on how she fell in love with Jen's then-husband on the set of "Mr. & Mrs. Smith."

Jenny said, "There was stuff printed there that was definitely from a time when I was unaware that it was happening. I felt those details were a little inappropriate to discuss. That stuff about how she couldn’t wait to get to work every day? That was really uncool."

Oh, Jen, it's called "rubbing it in your mug." Saint Angie meant for it to be more than "uncool," she meant it to be royally cunty.

Jenny said that she speaks to Brad every now and again just to say "hello" and to congratulate him on all his ten million babies. She forgot to mention that she sometimes calls him from a pay phone in Encino at 2am just to breathe heavily.

Maddox's arch rival also spoke about her relationship with manwhore John Mayer, "People need to mind their own business! Did you ever think Claudia Schiffer and David Copperfield made sense? Love just shows up." And when asked what she felt about him blabbing about dumper her ass, she said, "Trust me, you’ll never see that happen again from that man."

Trust me, we'll totally see it happen again and again. And I think her "love just shows up" quote got cut off. She went on to say, ".....after spending hours trolling eHarmony and finally realizing that you have to pay some douchebag for it."

P.S. - That cover needs a lot, lot, lot more Photoshop work. Specifically, Maddox's face pasted over hers.