As even the psychic cat with the dusty turban on the Santa Monica Promenade predicted, Brad Pitt's whole "I was a boring pile of stale weed shank during my marriage to Jennifer Aniston" shit scooted its ass along every damn tabloid cover this week and has once again pushed us down into the dark ages where we can't even buy Astroglide and some pork rinds without their faces staring at us in the checkout line at KMart. Every time one of those bitch's brings up each other's name, a black cat breaks a mirror under a ladder and it's another 30 years of bad luck for all of us! But let's get into this shit anyway.
UsWeekly is saying that Jennifer Aniston stopped knitting the words Mrs. Theroux on her favorite ice cream tub cozy (Note: I can't believe ice cream tub cozies exist) to briefly roll an eye at Brad and apparently her team of publicists demanded he fart out an "I'm Sowwy" about that shit he said. Their source says, "They got his team involved and Brad was read the riot act -- the only way you can read the riot act to Brad Pitt. No one believes his words were taken out of context -- he said what he said. I do hear that he's remorseful. We think he's jealous she's in love." Which leads me to OK! Magazine...
OK!'s sources say that Brad's jealousy chip is burning up over the fact that Jennifer Aniston is no longer a miserable lonely-ling who uses her dog's first name as the groom's name when she fills out online wedding registries for fun on a Sunday afternoon. The source said that Brad is trying to drag Jen down. The source said this mess: “Brad’s got a real competitive, vicious streak, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s jealous. Justin is everything Brad couldn’t be. He adores Jen; Jen is deeply in love with Justin. And she’d fallen in and out of love with Brad during their marriage." Which leads me to InTouch Weekly (via Hollywood Life)....
InTouch Weekly is saying that Brad isn't the one wants to turn Jen's smile face into a frown face. It's St. Angie! CRASH! BOOM! LIGHTING! ETC! They say that St. Angie promised Brad that if he threw shade at Jen in an interview, her hamster cooch would spit out his old nutsack and she'd let him spend some quality time with them. The source explained, “It’s as if Angelina specifically told Brad to say those things in the interview. It’s her exact opinion of Jen. She thinks she’s a boring person. Angelina has a knack for getting Brad to say unpleasant things about Jen.”
And FINALLY, during an interview with Matt Lauer on Today (via People) Brad said that he wants all the kids in the playground to stop poking at Aniston and to leave her alone:
"I don't want [people] to say anything bad like that about Jen. She's a dear friend of mine. I think it's a shame that I can't say something nice about Angie without Jen being drug in. She doesn't deserve it."
Brad, please take your own advice, sprinkle it on some papers, roll the biggest joint you've ever rolled and then smoke it up real slow. That will keep your mouth busy. Maddox will do the talking for you from on. Yes, Maddox will still say some real shit about Aniston, but at least he'll put some sparkly stank on it!
And all of us deserve a prize for going through that mess together, so here's a pussy fight with some real entertainment value:
See. Garden cats know how to end some bullshit. Just push that bitch off the ladder.
Just hours after Douche Brad Pitt once again reopened the triangle that makes me long for the days when we cared about more interesting triangles like the one in Bermuda or the one on Madge's jacket in Desperately Seeking Susan, Jennifer Aniston BRAVELY came out of her NYC apartment with the boyfriend she won at one of those claw games at Dave and Buster's.
Seconds after a stage manager wearing an ear piece in the mic yelled "cue 1...2....3...GO!," Dulliston (Brad Pitt's misinterpreted words, not mine) opened the door, strolled out onto the stage of life and threw out one of those casual "OMG! WOW! What are you doing here? For little ole' me? You would think that my name is on my Google RSS Reader a trillion billion times the way you're clicking at me!" faces. Jennifer had to do this so a team of therapy cats wouldn't be sent in to check to make sure she didn't try to drown her sad miserable feelings in a soaking tub full of Bisquick soup and dozens of bowls of Warm Delights.
But of course this bland bitch is okay. They're all okay, because they're all in on it together. We should be convinced that Brad, Angie and Jen are all aliens from another planet whose sole purpose is to send the public into a rage frenzy over some stupid shit we shouldn't care about. It's entertainment for their fellow aliens on their home planet. We're like the #1 show on every planet but this one. We're like their Jersey Shore (which they laugh at us for watching, by the way).
Even those Kardashian trash sluts are in on it. The Kuntrashians are absolutely everywhere, because they're the alien cameras capturing all this madness. While you were eating your keyboard over Brad's dumb words yesterday, you quickly glanced through your sliding glass door and wondered why Khloe Kardashian was sitting in your backyard. You figured she was just eating your dog's food again. NOPE. That sneaky trick was recording you acting like a fool and broadcasting it live onto XFilesTube! Why isn't the government doing anything about this? Why is Obama quiet about this? Why am I not shouting this conspiracy theory through the subways of New York at 4am?!
If you need me I'll be making all of us tinfoil bonnets. Or do you want a tinfoil fedora instead?
Brad Pitt's giving interview for his new movie Moneyball and you know what that means? It's time to open up the dusty old fairytale about the evil queen who stole Prince Charming from Chinderella. To be fair, all of us (Yes, you're guilty too!) still regurgitate that mess and even this week's cover of OK! Magazine is devoted to the remake of Bride Wars starring St. Angie Jo and Jennifer Aniston. But Brangie and Jennifer Aniston always make it seem like they're completely over talking about it, yet whenever they got some shit to sell out comes the dust. Aniston brings out the Brangie guns and now Brad is bringing out the Aniston guns.
During an interview with Parade Magazine, Brad subtly tore open an old wound and then spit at it. As you're reading, count how many gallons of uncooked cookie dough Aniston is going to eat and how many times she's going to kick at her Maddox voodoo doll.
On how St. Angie is the perfect mother: “One of the greatest, smartest things I ever did was give my kids Angie as their mom. She is such a great mom. Oh, man, I’m so happy to have her.”
On how he'll marry St. Angie when gay marriage is legal everywhere: "I mean, how many stories have you read that aren’t true, stories about me and Angie being married or fighting or splitting up? And when we don’t split up, there’s a whole new round that we’ve made up and we’re back together again! We’ll get married when everyone can. We’re not splitting up. And we don’t have a seventh child yet."
On the 90s and how his marriage to Jennifer Aniston helped to make him a boring and fake person: “I spent the ‘90s trying to hide out, trying to duck the full celebrity cacophony. I started to get sick of myself sitting on a couch, holding a joint, hiding out. It started feeling pathetic. It became very clear to me that I was intent on trying to find a movie about an interesting life, but I wasn’t living an interesting life myself. I think that my marriage [to actress Jennifer Aniston] had something to do with it. Trying to pretend the marriage was something that it wasn’t."
Two gallons and two kicks, right? Well, let's make it three. This is what Brad told Entertainment Weekly about making Mr. & Mrs. Homewreckers!
"A husband and wife who actually want to kill each other — I thought that was a launching pad for something really fun and vibrant. Again, that was something we were developing as we were going along, and Angie’s a great partner in that. We work really well together. We had some good workshops beforehand. Had some good laughs and ideas. That was just a great collaboration that turned into a greater collaboration."
And just like that, Brad fertilized the birth of a million more tabloid covers until the rapture swallows us after Jen's daughter Uncoolina Theroux "snatches" away Vivienne's husband.
You know, it's already been fucked into our brain holes a million times. Jen's pussy was like Nytol for Brad's soul and turned him into a stoner who could give a shit. Angie's pussy was like Vivarin for his soul and turned him into the perfect and holy asshole he is today. We get it.
At this point, we should just assume that Brad, Angie, Jennifer and the tabloids all own majority share in the Illuminati and are slowly trying to destroy us all.
Just like St. Angie Jo's stomach when a piece of actual food drops into it, Jennifer Aniston's vacancy womb is about to get the shock of its life. Up until now, Jennifer has only used her Public Storage womb to store an extra supply of lonely miserable tears that she dips into when her tear ducts go dry, but UsWeekly says that she's hoping to lease that space out to a fetus. A source type says that Jennifer is currently getting herself "baby ready." No, by that they don't mean that she's stroking the forehead of her Real Baby while telling it in a gentle voice that it will always have a special place in her heart and its new roommate in the nursery isn't going to change that.
The source says that while she's in Kauai, Hawaii with her snatched piece Justin Theroux, she's trying to get knocked the fetus up by eating a special diet and doing 45 minutes of yoga a day. The source put it like this:
" They have talked at length about getting married and starting a family. She is anxious for the next phase of her life and feels like this is the time.
They both want it to happen soon. They are moving quickly, but they know the feelings they have about [each other] are different from past romances."
It's been a while since my mom had the "birds and bees" talk with me, but if a ho wants to come down with a case of the BABIES!!!, shouldn't she be doing the Downward-Facing Dog right onto Justin's bare dick right before she makes his jizz kiss her ovaries by doing the Plow Pose? Not by doing beach yoga all day. Oh, Aniston, has it really been THAT long?!
That is the last time Aniston trusts a "How To Get Pregnant" book that "mysteriously" comes in the mail and has all of its pages missing except for a hand-written note that reads: "1. Go to beach. Pray to The Stork to bring baby. 2. Eat only earthworms and live fish. This smell brings The Stork out." Bitch got GOT again!
The only member of The Homewreckers Club who knitted a cozy for her membership card and Justin Theroux left an afterparty for the Horrible Bosses premiere in London last night with their hands hugging each other. If you open your window and pull up your shirt, your nipples will get tickled by a quick breeze from hundreds of body language experts running towards every office of every tabloid to dissect these pictures down to their toes. What does it all mean?
Why is Justin Theroux straining in the face like that? Is it because his brain is communicating with his bowels and trying to figure out if that rumble down below is from the drunk farts or the drunk diarrheas? Or is he still stunned from his pre-fiancee telling him she wants THIS for a pre-engagement present? Why is Jennifer Aniston holding her purse like that? Did she do that so it can look like a corn cob and corn comes from Iowa and Brad Pitt comes from Oklahoma and Iowa is sort of (not really) near Oklahoma and OMG IT'S A SIGNAL TO BRAD!
I'm sure all these questions and more including why is Justin Theroux morphing into Eddie Munster will be answered in the next issue of TouchMyDirtStar Weekly and in The Manastealin Daily newsletter Maddox puts on every bunk in the child army barracks each morning.
Jennifer Aniston was honored with a hand and footprint ceremony at Grauman's Chinese Theater in Hollywood today, because when a studio hands over a check with "publicity" written in the memo, they aren't doing it for fucking charity. Yeah, I know Aniston barely deserves to be honored in a kindergarten handprint plaque ceremony, but we should let her have her stupid moment. I mean, she didn't make Justin Theroux wait in the car this time and he did shave the Charles Manson off of his face for the occasion, so obviously this is important to her. YAY for her. Maybe I'm just bitter because whenever I get on all fours and make that face in public I get a citation from a police officer, not forced applause and an introduction by Chelsea Handler.
Let's analyze this picture of Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux out in NYC last month. Is that an authentic hot memaw in the middle of them, or could it be the wicked Angie Jolie after downing a potion that turned her into a peddling grandma who will put Aniston to sleep with a poisonous apple (or a viewing of Changeling) so she can snatch that bitch's man? InTouch Weekly (via Hollywood Life) thinks the latter is true.
The story goes that while rock climbing in the tower of her evil castle with the leader of her child army, Angie Jolie asked him, "Maddox, Maddox on the wall, who's the fairest one of all?" Now, you know Maddox is not above twisting the truth into lies in order to keep the drama going, so he answered non-nonchalantly, "Oh, you know, that one who always has stray toy cat whiskers on her Mr. Potato Chin. Yeah, that trick." Lightning struck (aka Brad's dumb ass turned on the lights to ask Angie if she's seen his favorite bong), thunder boomed (aka Brad's dumb ass bumped into the wall after turning off the lights, because he has trouble finding doorways in the dark) and Angie made a vow to finally DESTROY THE THE CHIIIIIIIIIIN!
Angie's first move towards drowning Aniston in a pool of tears, pie filling and cat drool involves working with Justin Theroux. The source explains, “[She] is actively trying to set up a project on which she and Justin would work together. She has been a fan of his for a few years, but she certainly wasn’t in such a hurry to work with him before Jen started dating him. Her timing is suspicious…”
A different source says that Jennifer knows what's going on, "The mere thought of Justin working with Angelina sends her into a tizzy; if it actually happened, it could destroy her. Stealing one man from Jen was bad enough, but stealing two would be the coup de grace."
You just have to HAHAHAHA at this whole mess. Angie trying to wrap her eight clitoricles around Justin Theroux so that she can drag him into a den of Aniston's miserable wails?! I mean, really. Why would I not be surprised if Jen, Angie, Brad and a creative writer meet every Saturday afternoon in the back room of a deli in The Valley to come up with this shit together.
A long time ago I was dating this total asshole who was hotter than me in all ways, drove a better car, was liked by all, made more money, had nicer towels, was never the recipient of an EWWW face by a nurse when he took off his clothes for an exam and was basically the kind of piece of shit who could anything he wanted by winking and flexing his perfectly shaped 8.5" peen. I truly believed that he was only dating my ass, because he made a bet with his friends that he could transform me into winning Mr. Gay West Hollywood or some other kind of beauty pageant. I should've known something was amiss when he took me shopping and made me try on a bunch of outfits at a rapid speed to a Roy Orbison song. Anyway....
One weekday afternoon, we were driving around his immaculately detailed BMW when he got a call from his office that they needed him to stop by and sign a few things. A look of fear, not unlike the one Mel Gibson makes when he accidentally drives into a Hasidic community, plastered across his face and he swallowed hard like his saliva was made of nails. We drove to his office in silence and he told me it was only going to take him less than 10 minutes so I should just wait in the car. Bastard parked way too far from the office,took the keys and skipped off toward the building.
As I sat there like an overheated dog waiting for its owner to return, I realized that I had been dating the bitch for three weeks and I had only met one of his friends and never stayed the night. That's also when I looked at the building and noticed they had an air-conditioned lobby and waiting room. THIS BITCH didn't want his co-workers to know that he was waving his Adonis dick in the face of a homely, skinny gay with bad highlights! I should've stomped in there and caused a scene, but I really wanted his eighth world wonder wang to stomp on my b-hole later on in the night, so I kept my lips shut. Sigh. It was one of the only times in my lifetime that I regretted being a dumb slut with no self-respect.
Well, that's basically what Jennifer Aniston did to Justin Theroux at last night's Horrible Bosses (aka The Workplace Bad Teacher) premiere in L.A. The paps say that Justin stayed in the car while Aniston worked the carpet. Once she was done, Justin slid in through the backdoor to sit with her in the theater. This move actually surprised me a bit. Jennifer wants the world to know that she's finally got a man! So I figured that a completely clothes-less Justin Theroux would show up wearing only a naked Jennifer Aniston frontpack that attached to his peen. That Aniston! Always full of surprises!
Here's more pictures of all the hos who got to show their faces while Justin had to hide his in the car: Aniston, Chelsea Handler, Joey with Andrew Lawrence, Alyssa Milano, Jason Bateman with Amanda Anka, Jenna Elfman with some elf and Jason Sudeikis.
No, the tattoo isn't the coordinates for the Beanie Baby factory. It also isn't a reproduction of this tattoo with a giant red X over it. Jennifer Aniston's rep tells People that her first tattoo is the name of her true soulmate: her dog Norman (R.I.P.). Is it weird that she got her dead dog's name tattooed on her body? I don't think so. Is it weird that she got her dead dog's name tattooed on her foot? Maybe. But every time a drop of Jennifer Aniston's homemade lonely spinster stew (brownie batter, melted ice cream, tears and spiced rum) fell on her foot, Norman always licked it up, so getting his name tattooed on her hoof makes sense.
It goes without saying but now that Aniston's gotten her first tattoo and has earned a place in the Homewrecking Hall of Fame, Brangeloonies will start screaming about how she's Hedy Carlson-ing YOU KNOW WHO. Loonies, please. Hos wreck homes and get tattooed every single day. However, if Aniston gets a pair of plastic toy lips shoved into her mouth and adopts a Cambodian Cabbage Patch Doll, then we'll have to stage an intervention.