The grown up Eddie Munster, Justin Theroux, had an interview with New York Magazine and after a swarm of cotton-killing moths tried to eat his whole shirt, he was asked about his new shit show Wanderlust (WHO CARES!!!), his work as a screenwriter (WHO CARES: THE SEQUEL!!!) and his relationship with Jennifer Aniston. Because everything you need to know about TheAnis is on display during the photo-ops her publicist sets up, Justin ate his tongue and refused to say shit:
Theroux knows only too well that his relationship with Aniston is not just making him more famous but is also a selling point for Wanderlust. “I understand the curiosity, but other than saying I am happy, I am not going to indulge it,” he says. “That’s building your own torture device.”
"You know what a torture device is, Michael? You putting this WHO CARES trash in my eyes?" is definitely the thought that has climbed up to the think bubble above your head. But I only did it for the lightning veins and peek-a-pubes Justin is flashing in that picture above. But you know, it's a little surprising that Justin still has a full crotch bush. By now, you'd think that Jennifer would've shaved all his pubes off while he was napping and crocheted them into a thong that she wears every minute of the day so he'll always be close to her. Yeah, I bet she's already done that. Dude is totally wearing a merkin.
...And she's so annoyed by it that she brought it up again.
The human mutation of Cathy is out selling that Wanderlust movie, which looks to me like the brain dead "didn't pull out in time" baby of Flirting with Disaster and Wet Hot American Summer, and you know what that means? It's that time again when Jennifer adds fuel to the fire by bringing up Brangelina to sell her damn movie. After posing for a bunch of pictures, which can double as a Chico's ad campaign, for InStyle's March 2012 (via The Berry) issue, Jennifer talked about what misconception annoys her the most and how she isn't copying Justin Theroux's style.
On how she doesn't purposefully dress like Justin Theroux and how the first time he came to her house she didn't secretly steal his favorite leather jacket to make a twin of it for herself: "First of all, he has great style - it's very specific, and it has been his style forever. Has it influenced mine? No, but I know people say it has.'Oh, look, you're dressing alike.' And I think, no I'm not. I've had this jacket for three years!"
On the biggest mistake of her life: "I'm not sure. Just walking out of the house can be a risk!"
On how she'd be a director or a dermatologist if she wasn't a professional line memorizer. Basically, she loves facials: "Directing. I was very proud of producing and directing for the beautiful project 'Five.' Or I'd love to be a dermatologist. I'd be so obsessive about it. I'm fascinated by skin, products, and lasers. I go on the Internet and read all about it. I call it 'laser porn.'"
On how she hates that fake Brangelina feud talk, but can't stop talking about it!: "Which one? There are so many. I would say the triangle with my ex-husband - and that there's a feud there. It's constant. It's a story headline that won't go away, but it's a money thing - [people make money off] a story that has nothing to do with reality."
Oh ho, please. It's so annoying that this bitch threw it up again. Aniston knows very well that quote just earned her the cover of every tabloid for the next few weeks. Star Magazine needs to send her a bouquet of Maddox voodoo dolls, because she just gave their asses a perfect cover headline that will read: "Jennifer Aniston says: 'The triangle with my ex-husband....there's a feud there!"
Why didn't Aniston leave that Brangelina shit on the ground next to the dead horse and instead bring up the misconception that when she fights with Justin, she locks herself in her bedroom. Then she makes her Justin Theroux Cabbage Patch doll apologize to her before handing her a bowl of happy soup (aka melted ice cream with uncooked room-temp cookie dough balls in it). That's because it's not a misconception! It's a truth straight from my Maddox's Burn Book Tumblr.
At the Directors Guild of America Awards in L.A. last night, the likes of Jennifer Aniston, Amber Heard, Helen Mirren, Berenice Bejo, Christine Lahti, Clare from 90210, Laura Dern, Missi Pyle, Shailene Woodley, Fred Savage, Hunter "What Happened To Your Face?" Tylo, Jean Dujardin and Gary Oldman all exploded into fine dust when they were photo bombed by an array of glamorously gorgeous scene stealers. For some reason, the organizers of that shit made the right decision by placing the red carpet in front of the cocktail area and the background became the main attraction. Those photo bombers lit that shit up without even trying.
How can Jennifer Aniston and Helen Mirren possibly compete with a "Nice try, but you ain't wearing a skunk tail boa!" side-eye and a Cheri O'Teri-like "Ewwww bitch, go home!" fart face. Aniston is the oatmeal to the photo bombers' cinnamon raisin. We're all pushing around the oatmeal to get to the real stars.
With all that being said, where the hell was Phoebe Price during all of this? The red carpet at an award show cannot be rolled out until the ginger wonder rolls in for seat filler orientation. Chicken Cutlets would've been the dollop of whipped cream by photo bombing the photo bombers.
If Jennifer Aniston had a baby for every time the tabloids said she was having a baby, she'd have more babies than Cabbage Patch Groom Dolls (read: a lot of fucking babies) and a child army to rival all child armies. If the tabloids aren't saying she's got a crying fetus in her womb, they're saying that she's crying in the fetal position inside of Beanie Baby Mountain (aka her safe place), because she got dumped again. But for the past few weeks, Star Magazine, The Enquirer and some others have been saying that Jennifer's dog is breathing a sigh of relief, because now that she's knocked up it no longer has to wear a bonnet while she tucks it into its crib at night. The Daily Mail is now co-signing all of that and their source is telling them that Jennifer is taking a break from barfing out romantic comedy after romantic comedy to be a mother:
"She wants to focus on herself and hopefully becoming a mother. She is thinking of launching her own fashion line which would allow her to spend more time at home."
But the fun haters at Gossip Cop asked Jen's publicist about this and he said her uterus still has a vacancy sign on it and she's not taking a break anytime soon.
Who to believe? On one hand, the tabloids have been nailing me in the head with their "The Last Sign of The Apocalypse: Jennifer Aniston is Having Twins" headlines so hard that I'm starting to believe it. But on the other hand, if Jennifer Aniston was pregnant, she'd put on a bikini bottom made from her latest sonogram scan, stick two positive pregnancy tests over her nipples and then run in front of her arch rival Maddox during one of his staged photo-ops.
We really shouldn't believe that Aniston is knocked up until we see Maddox with a defeated look on his face and a mourning outfit on his body. FYI: In the Brangelina world, a mourning outfit is anything that's not black.
Why did Jen An cut her hair??? I know you have been laying awake at night pondering this with the other questions of the world, such as why are we here, why does 4th meal only last until 2am, why does my family hate me? and other such important stuff.
So, to answer this one...E!online says it's because DUN DUN DUN "her hair was thinning and starting to look fake"! Now at least you can sleep, although that silly shit like "why does my dog hate me" and "what am I supposed to do with my life" may still stick around for a minute. At least the important questions of the universe are answered.
I actually like Jen An, though I'm not sure why. And I'm less sure about the idea that this is somehow news. I guess we can all change our lives now though?? Okay, seriously it's just drama dressed as NEWS so keep on keeping on with your Ramen noodles and your mortgage and all that un-important jazz. But keep it up in your pj's and house shoes, like I'm gonna do. MAH HAIR-UH is page two, along with "I need a pedi" and "should I keep my thermostat on 75 or 76". Sorry Jen.
The late Sue Mengers was a major agent in Hollywood who once represented Barbra Streisand and in her later years she threw all kinds of fancy as fuck parties where she made friends with famous hos like Jennifer Aniston. In a profile on Sue for The New York Times, Maureen Dowd writes that even Sue didn't want Jennifer to be Forever Aloneistone. When Brad dropped Jen off in MiserableVille (Population: Aniston) to enlist in St. Angie's holy army, Sue gave her a drop of advice:
But she had a soft, warm side; she was a yenta who loved fixing people up, in work and in love. If a match struck, she would urge the woman, “We have to close the deal.” After Brad Pitt left Jennifer Aniston for Angelina Jolie, Mengers told me that she advised her beloved Jen to ask Brad for some of his sperm.
You know shit is dire when someone you aren't related to is concerned that you're going to become a dusty, crazy old spinster who doesn't think it's weird that her bedside tables are made out of the skeletons of her dead cats.
Sue did give Jen good advice, though. Jen should've taken it and then took that shit ten steps further. Jen should've fertilized one of her own eggs with Brad's stoner jizz. Then Jen should've yelled "MARRIED A-LIST MOVIE STAR 12 O'CLOCK!" at Angie Jolie to make that trick instinctively spread her legs. That would've been Jen's cue to shoot that fertilized egg into Angie's cooch with a straw. And nine months later, Angie would've given birth to Jen and Brad's baby! Jen could've named that kid: SWEET REVENGE!!!!!! (exclamations included). Oh, Jen, you should've done it. Jen missed an opportunity to put her mouth to Angie's ear and whisper: "Guess who's baby just came out of your twat? Mine, bitch!"
And yes, I've been watching old Days of Our Lives episodes again.
That's the spirit, Mad Mel. If you can't get a trick to blow you before Jacuzzi, do the blowing yourself. I've said it before, if you can't beat 'em, blow 'em, but Mad Mel went above and beyond by blowing and beatin' them at the same time!
Last night in Beverly Hills, the roof of The Beverly Hilton almost cracked and exploded into space from the force of a million swollen egos when Mel Gibson, Sean Penn, Jennifer Aniston, Justin Theroux and Jodie Foster all gathered in one ballroom to honor Robert Downey Jr.'s contribution to American cinema. And by "contribution" they really mean his role in Weird Science.
After Sean Penn, Jennifer Aniston and Mel Gibson all licked on RDJ's taint by showering him with kind words, he used his time on stage to defend his friend Mel. Oh here go hell come....
“This is my fuckin’ time. Mel and I have the same lawyer, same publicist and same shrink. I couldn’t get hired and he cast me. He said if I accepted responsibility – he called it hugging the cactus – long enough my life would take meaning and if he helped me I would help the next guy. But it was not reasonable to assume the next guy would be him.
Unless you are without sin, and if you are you are in the wrong fucking industry, you should forgive him and let him work."
Don't tell us what to do, RDJ....unless you're about to tell us to nibble your nipples in a gentle manner.
The way I see it there's three kind of people:
1. The people who won't forgive Mel Gibson, because he's an anti-Semitic canker sore on a dehydrated asshole and just when they start to feel like he's changed his crusty mouth shits out another racist nugget. The glum cunt just keeps fucking up and he can't even get a blowjob!
2. The people who have forgiven Mel Gibson and can watch his movies without seeing him as the lady-abusing, anti-Semitic canker sore on a dehydrated asshole that he really is.
3. The people who have looked under the bed, searched the cushions of their sofa, checked the back of their fridges and still can't find one fuck to give about Mel Gibson.
Even if we were all #1 people, Mel's dumb stupid busted ass would still be fine. The shitbag has millions and a Jacuzzi jet to keep him company for the rest of his days. RDJ should've saved his words for somebody who really deserves them, like his Soapdish co-star Cathy Moriarty. Now that is a bitch who really needs a major movie comeback in a big way!
Here's more pictures from last night's American Cinematheque Awards. I wish there was a picture of Sean Penn and Mel Gibson together. Together they would look like a wrinkly and crusty old man nutsack glistening under a tanning bed light.
Here's Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux leaving an after-party for Ben Stiller's SNL gig on Sunday morning and not only are they chapping Maddox's nerves by wearing his signature color but they're also murdering Heidi Bivens' feelings by staying in NYC. Heidi Bivens, the chick that Justin dropped after 14 years to get with Aniston full-time, is apparently telling friends that it's hard for her to move on when she's breathing in the lonely dust that Justin humps out of Aniston a few blocks away from her and she wishes they'd take the next GET THE FUCK OUT express train out of town.
One of Heidi's friends tells UsWeekly that she isn't talking to Justin anymore and "she doesn't want to know anything about him and Jen,though she'd like a heads-up on any marriage or baby news. She wishes they'd leave NYC already. It's hard to move on, knowing they're in the same city."
News fucking flash, Heidi, we all live in the same cities as our exes. But I find that NYC really is the land of falling exes. You can't walk down the damn street without bumping into a pair of nipples that you used to bump on during happier times. Your exes are everywhere here. Seriously, either NYC truly is a small world or I'm a huge skank with a good memory ("the latter" - you), because if I got a dollar every time I had to cross the street to avoid an ex I'd have enough money to pay off the paparazzi to ignore the tips Jennifer Aniston texts them with the exact coordinates of her whereabouts in Manhattan. There is an app for picking up dick, so there really needs to be an app for avoiding dick that you've dropped.
Here's more of Jennifer securing another "OMG!!! SHE REALLY IS PREGNANT THIS TIME!" cover of OK! Magazine by covering up her tequila and taquitos bloat while leaving that SNL after-party.
The cover of OK! Magazine this week says that Jennifer Aniston's uterus, that is usually used as a storage space for extra tequila shots and a backup jug of lonely tears, is filled with BABY!!!!, but she tells Elle Magazine that even though can find her at the Babies 'R Us in Van Nuys on any given Sunday afternoon caressing the baby bibs with her cheek, she's not knocked up and she's not desperate (HA!) to pop a child out of her cooch.
“But it’s not what you read. There’s no desperation. If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be. I’m at peace with whatever the plan is. But will you hate me if I say I don’t want to talk about my relationship?”
And she went on, "No, no my relationship is very private to me..." as she texted "cmng out in 5 dont say anything when i pretend to look shocked" to the paparazzi... And on, "My relationship is as sacred to me as being a dumb fuck is to Brad...." as she texted to Terry Richardson "upload that picture of me looking REALLY happy." Words are cheap when you've got the paparazzi on speed dial.
But I can't completely hate on Aniston's hustle when she's wearing a skirt that makes it easy for her to tap the dusty puss. I love a good easy access fap skirt.
Page Six says that Justin Theroux's BMW motorcycle has been parked in front of Jennifer Aniston's West Village apartment all week and some shady trick decided to send him a little message by showering his bike with what Aniston should've made for doing The Bounty Hunter: a bunch of cold bologna slices! Filling my head right now are scenes of Jennifer Aniston putting on a serious face to seriously tell a package of Oscar Mayer bologna that what it did to her was really uncool.
One of Jennifer's neighbors tells Page Six that while they were walking their dog early yesterday morning, they found a bologna bukkake scene playing all over Justin's bike. They said bologna was on the seat, the muffler, the engine, the everywhere! The neighbor is a regular Detective La Toya, because they said this about one of Justin's enemies losing their lunch all over bike, “I got the impression it was some weird message, like, ‘You’re full of bologna. The bike was in otherwise in fine condition.”
Maddox wouldn't touch a piece of gross bologna with Jennifer Aniston's hooves, so you can quickly pull his name out of the suspect pile! Maddox only eats Beanie Baby meat and Cabbage Patch legs. But who ever this is should be punished to the maximum extent of the cold cut laws. Not because they fucked with Justin's bike. Who cares about that bitch. They deserve punishment for wasting bologna IN THIS ECONOMY. That bologna could've been doing more important things like slapping a stripper's ass.
But we really shouldn't believe this shit until Terry Richardson posts pictures he took of Jennifer Aniston and bologna to show us that she's happy and she's okay with bologna even though it did her wrong.