RPattz, whose scalp makes a cameo as the enchanted forest in Snow White & The Huntsman, was too busy doing more important things (like deep conditioning his taint hair or whatever) to show up to last night's MTV Movie Awards, so Kristen Stewart had to accept their award for Best Kiss by herself. KStew tried to make a joke out it by begging Charlize Theron, Thor, Taylor Lautner or ANYBODY to get up there and put their lips on hers. Charlize couldn't do it, because she was backstage putting her lips on a bong she made out of one of those popcorn trophies. Taylor Lautner couldn't do it, because he's not one to put his mouth on lady lips for free. So KStew asked herself, WWJAD (What would Jennifer Aniston do?) and the answer was: make out with herself!
You know, what KStew lacks in acting skills, she makes up for in awkwardness. She is beyond awkward. This one time when I was 8 or 9, I walked in on my one-legged stepmother changing her tampon over the toilet in my dad's guest bathroom. Afterward, she sat down next to me at the breakfast table (No, we weren't having tomato omelets, thank God!) and we ate in silence. If I could take the awkwardness I felt in that moment and mold it into a human person, that human person would be a lot like Kristen Stewart. Just awkwardness running through her veins...
Anyway, here's a few pictures from last night. In order: Jennifer Aniston, Jodie Foster (throwing either a "Where's a strap-on when you really need one?" or "This bitch better not ask me to make out with her!" side-eye), Johnny Depp, Ciara, Christina Ricci, Charlize, Wiz Khaliafaawhatever with Amber Rose, KStew, Emma Stone, Jessica Biel, Chris Hemsworth, Ryan Seacrest with Julianne Hough, Brooke Hogan, Ick & Nast, Jean-Claude Van Damme with guest, Emma Watson, two Fraggle Rock refugees, Marky Mark, Andrew Garfield and Russell Brand.
Over two weeks ago, Jennifer Aniston was planning a wedding, then she had a case of the babies and now hos are saying that she's about to renew her membership to the Forever Alone Society. Star Magazine (via Hollywood Life) says that when Justin Theroux sits at the breakfast table in Jennifer's Bel Air mansion, he softly sings "fuuuuuuuuuck myyyyyyyy liiiiiiiiiiife" to himself as she sticks one of those Plum pouches in the mouth of her Baby Alive. Some source says that when Justin is lying in bed next to Jennifer, while she's clutching a Beanie Baby monitor, the dream bubble in his head is filling up with pictures from his past life. Justin wants to back to NYC and he wants to go back to his ex-piece Heidi Bivens. So says the source:
“The bloom is off the rose. He wants his old home, his old love and his old life back. Justin and Heidi still talk, and they are very supportive of each other. Justin feels she’s handled herself with grace, never becoming nasty or vindictive though it was a total shock when he began seeing Jen behind her back while they were still living together. Justin is full of remorse and regret which he has told Heidi. Justin wants a family, but he doesn’t want it with Jen.”
And then Star's editor says they heard a voice in the distance say, "Heidi, you dumb ass bitch, get off that pay phone! And take off that disguise, it's not like they can see your stupid ass. Get back up into the apartment and clean up the mess you made while pasting pictures of your face over Jennifer Aniston's face in all those magazines!"
Since reboots are the thing, I love how the tabloids have rebooted the Brangelina/Aniston triangle of grossness and cast Aniston as Angie, Justin as B. Pitt and Heidi as Aniston. I wonder who they'll cast as the Maddox? (SPOILER ALERT: Aniston's Prep Boy Asian CB Doll)
Today is a day we all pissed in a toilet (unless you're Ke$hit or the OctoKids), which means it's another day when we all get to hear Jennifer Aniston's feelings about her ex-piece marrying the Alexis to her Krystle. Hollywood Life fired up the fuckery train first when they said Jennifer is happy for Brangie and will go to the wedding if she's invited. That story earned 5 out of 5 Zahara Up-Eyes on the foolery scale. Then E! News said that Jennifer's feelings about the Brangie wedding are as indifferent as Brad's feelings about shampooing (2 out of 5 Zahara Up-Eyes). Then The National Enquirer broke the foolery scale and caused Zahara to up-eye so hard that her eyeballs are stuck in that position forever when they said that the Brangie wedding news made Jennifer do the slow-motion wall slide while punching at her Angie Jolie voodoo doll. Well, now it's UsWeekly's turn and their source says Jennifer isn't sliding against any walls since unlike the tabloids (and my stupid ass) she has moved on centuries ago.
The source says that Jennifer has taken Brad, put him in the middle of a giant sheet of Reynolds Wrap and sculpted a foil swan around him before handing her lukewarm leftovers to Angie. The source went on to say this about Jennifer's feelings on her foil swan's upcoming wedding, "She hates it being brought up because she doesn't really care. She feels Angelina can have him. She just wants to move on. Jen's totally happy with Justin. That's all in the past."
This back and forth is never going to end. Jen's PR team (who looks like this) plants one story and Brangie's PR team (who looks like this) responds by planting another. Since Jennifer Aniston only talks about Brad and Angie when she has a movie to whore out, can't she shoot one of her rom-coms in one afternoon (that's how long it takes, right?) and release it the day after tomorrow. Then she can spend tomorrow promoting that shit and she can finally break her legendary silence on this highly important matter. Then the tabloids can finally move on to more newsworthy stories like how Zahara and Maddox are scrappin' over who gets to be maid of honor.
Jennifer Aniston's dreams of marrying an actual human man (instead of a Real Groom Doll) by her minister dog (she made him get officiated online a couple of years ago) while surrounded by Beanie Baby flower girls and Cabbage Patch bridesmaids in the basement chapel she's having built in her new Bel Air mansion is not going to happen, because she doesn't have time for that shit now that she has to beat those whores Brangelina to the altar. TMZ says that Jennifer Aniston is about to make every tabloid editor drown in a pool of their own panty pudding by marrying Justin Theroux this summer.
A source (aka their publicist) close to the Elounda Beach Hotel in Crete, Greece told TMZ that Jennifer was there recently checking the place out as a possibility for her wedding venue. Jennifer told the hotel that she's planning a July wedding. Jennifer chose Crete as the place she wants to break the spinster curse Maddox put on her, because that's where her dad is from.
Here we go.... Today's headline is "Jennifer Aniston to Marry in Crete" and tomorrow's headline will be "Angelina Jolie BUYS Crete." Next week's headline will be "Jennifer Aniston to wear Vera Wang" and that will be shortly followed by the headline "Angelina Jolie ADOPTS Vera Wang." The summer Olympics will be foreshadowed by hos watching Brangie and Jennifer Aniston racing each other to People's "YES! We're Married!" cover. I just hope that the camera man zooms in on Maddox right before he puts his foot in front of a sprinting Jennifer Aniston as she's about to pass Angie.
Hollywood Life, your source for all Barfgelina/Analstain fan fiction, said last week that Jennifer Aniston had nothing but smiles for the news that her ex-husband is now engaged to whore pit viper (© Joan Rivers) Angie Jolie and she would even RSVP a yes if she got an invite for the wedding. Well, now E! News is hearing from a source close to Jennifer that the Brangie engagement news has made her constipated and she has zero shits to give it. Jennifer cares more about planning the quinceanera of her eldest Cabbage Patch doll than she does about Brangie's stupid ass wedding. The source explained it like this:
"She doesn't care. She really doesn't. She's happy with Justin [Theroux]. She'll probably marry him. She's moved on. People don't want to believe it, but she has."
Now, this I believe. If Jennifer really wanted to experience a Brangelina wedding, she'd just make her own at home. Jen would make Justin Theroux wear a soft Brad Pitt mask she knitted with Brad's shed pubes. Then she'd put rubber lips on one of the garden lizards her dog caught, and call it Angie. Then as one her Precious Moments priest figurines presides over the ceremony, she'd bust in as Jennifer Aniston. Justin as Brad would drop garden lizard Angie, run to Jen and they'd re-consummate their true love in a bathtub full of ice cream soup. So yeah, Jen is over it (and yes, she's totally going to act out that scene on Brangie's real wedding day).
And about Angie's ring, which she wore while slithering around L.A. yesterday. People says it's 10 carats and cost around $1 million, but UsWeekly says it's 16 carats and cost around $500,000. Brad worked with jeweler Robert Procop for about a year on the ring and the diamond is supposedly conflict-free. The ring may be conflict-free, but it's not boring-free. Brad is a "design GENIUS" (- Brad Pitt) and RoboCop spent months looking for the perfect diamond, and this is the best they could come up with? RoboCop wasted his time. He could've just called QVC, because they have a ring just like that.
It's been approximately 3 seconds (aka the length of a quick queef) since Brangelina announced that they're getting hitched and the tabloids are already stirring the fuckery by bringing Jennifer Aniston into this shit. If you thought you had a few days of breathing before the tabloids hit their covers with the headline "JEN PLANS TO CRASH BRAD'S WEDDING! VINCE & OWEN WILL HELP!", you were wrong. Hollywood Life (the "f" is silent) says that Jen isn't handling the news by making a noose out of Beanie Babies carcasses, she's happy for Brangelina and she's even thinking about going to the wedding. Okay, who gave Maddox the number to Hollywood Life and who told him it was okay to a prank a bitch? The source said this mess of words:
“Jennifer is happy for Brad and Angelina. She is so in love with Justin, that she is really grateful how things turned out. In a strange way if it weren’t for Angelina, Jennifer would not have connected with Justin in a romantic way. Jennifer is in a really wonderful place right now. I wouldn’t be surprised if she even went to their wedding.”
If there's a wedding, I'm sure Jen will be invited and I'm sure she'll tackle Maddox as he drops rose petals along the aisle. I wish. The chances of this happening are about as slim as the chances of my fingers turning into tiny peens (I pray every night for this). Jen isn't going to the wedding, but only because she physically can't since she'll be stuck in a sarcophagus of cookie dough. No, I'm sure Jen will do what we're all going to do. Sit back and watch Angie try to snatch a married Brad away from herself. Let's see how good of a homewrecker she truly is.
One of the longest running jokes (besides me somehow making a full-time living off of blogging for the past 5 years) is that Jennifer Aniston keeps a delivery gown in her closet and every Thursday afternoon she goes to the nursery of a local hospital to coo and aww at one of the newborns like she's its mother. What I'm saying is that Jennifer Aniston has long been painted as a pathetic and chronic baby-wanter, but she tells CBS This Morning (via SS) that everybody but her is obsessed with what is happening in her womb. Jennifer says that she doesn't need to take a whiff of diarrhea fumes from her newborn kid to feel satisfied:
“That doesn’t measure the level of my happiness or my success in my life, in my achievements, in any of that. I feel like I’m 30. I honestly didn’t start to feel my best until was in my 30s. Physically, I started eating better and taking better care of my body, in terms of being physical and exercise.”
Jennifer Aniston couldn't be more right. Babies don't equal happiness. What really equals happiness is a backyard pool full of Grey Goose (which Aniston has), a supple coat of many leathers (which Aniston has, it's called her skin) and zillions of dollars from playing herself in shit movie after shit movie. But the best thing Aniston has is a nursery full of Cabbage Patch Doll. CPDs are better than real babies, because they stay small forever, have yarn for hair, can't shit and you don't have to worry about them growing up and pulling a Tyler Hadley on your ass in the middle of the night. Aniston truly has it all! And if you still don't believe me, here's a glimpse into Aniston and Justin Theroux's future:
While promoting his role as Jennifer Aniston's full-time piece on Ellen, Justin "I Don't Talk About My Relationship!!!!!" Theroux sort of talked about Maddox's nemesis when he said she can't get enough of his sweet, sweet breakdancing moves. Justin's girlfriend, who we might know since her face is on the cover of InTouch Weekly ever got dayum week, watched him breakdance in Zoolander and now she asks him to do it all the time. Justin said that he can't get down without his special breakdancing shoes, and that's when Ellen magically pulled them out of her ass for him to slip on and dance for us. I don't think I've ever seen a manorexic bat breakdance before, but if I did, it would probably look a lot like what I just watched.
Okay, I'm a Brooklyn gay so some of my jeans are so damn tight that I need a shoe horn and a prayer to get into them, but Justin has me beat. Either Justin has a permanent case of blue balls from those jeggings suffocating them or he has the freshest balls ever since they're always vacuum packed. Those are the kind of jeans that need a zipper on the front and back. I could maybe wear those jeans as a shrug, but using them a chopstick cozy would be a more realistic.
Here's Justin at Jennifer Aniston's Hollywood Walk of Fame ceremony today wearing pretty much the exact same hipster pallbearer outfit he wore on Ellen. I don't know if he's wearing the same jeggings, but I wouldn't doubt it since that shit is impossible for him to get out of. After the ceremony, Jennifer, her daddy, Adam Sandler, Malin Akerman and a team of world champion tug-o-warers pulled those jeans off of him.
At last night's premiere of Wanderlust at the Village Theater in Westwood, dozens of people finally had the answer to the question, "I wonder what it look like if a fugly pink prom gown from the 80s barfed all over one of Tootsie's good dresses?" when Malin Akerman showed up wearing this mess. (In my best Tim Gunn voice) This is just TOO much dress.
If Malin cut those sleeves off (they kind of look like satin intestines) with Jennifer Aniston's chin, she would've looked fine. Hell, if she cut off the dress and only wore the sleeves with those shoes, she would've looked fine too. That fugness looks even worse when Malin's standing next to Jennifer Aniston. They look like they both got really good deals at the Big Business costume sale and they're too happy about it. Here's a fashion tip: If Bette Midler and/or Lily Tomlin would've worn it in Big Business, strip it off your body and try again. Trying to top Bette and Lily is an impossible act.
When Jennifer's posing on her own, though, her dress doesn't look that awful. It not the usual little black shit she wears and it's drawing our eyes to her womb. If you stare at Jen's magic eye dress long enough, you can almost see a fetus with a widow's peak wearing an "Eff Off Maddox" onesie. So, well played, Aniston.
Here's some other hos at last night's premiere including Paul Rudd and Justin Theroux. Justin and Jennifer stayed away from each other on the red carpet, but at least she didn't make his ass wait in the car this time.
The grown up Eddie Munster, Justin Theroux, had an interview with New York Magazine and after a swarm of cotton-killing moths tried to eat his whole shirt, he was asked about his new shit show Wanderlust (WHO CARES!!!), his work as a screenwriter (WHO CARES: THE SEQUEL!!!) and his relationship with Jennifer Aniston. Because everything you need to know about TheAnis is on display during the photo-ops her publicist sets up, Justin ate his tongue and refused to say shit:
Theroux knows only too well that his relationship with Aniston is not just making him more famous but is also a selling point for Wanderlust. “I understand the curiosity, but other than saying I am happy, I am not going to indulge it,” he says. “That’s building your own torture device.”
"You know what a torture device is, Michael? You putting this WHO CARES trash in my eyes?" is definitely the thought that has climbed up to the think bubble above your head. But I only did it for the lightning veins and peek-a-pubes Justin is flashing in that picture above. But you know, it's a little surprising that Justin still has a full crotch bush. By now, you'd think that Jennifer would've shaved all his pubes off while he was napping and crocheted them into a thong that she wears every minute of the day so he'll always be close to her. Yeah, I bet she's already done that. Dude is totally wearing a merkin.