Jennifer Aniston

The professional listmakers at Forbes put together their annual "Hollywood's Top-Earning Actresses" issue and predictably these two twats were at the top. Maddox's nemesis made $25 million last year, but it still wasn't enough for the #1 slot. That went to St. Angie who brought in around $27 million. You know St. Angie really made less, but she asked God for a loan so that she could move ahead. But the joke will be on her after she sees God's interest rates.

Forbes says that Angie made a shit load for Wanted and also got a big upfront payment for her upcoming movie Salt. Jenny made most of her cash from Friends residuals and that movie about the doggy with the red Xes on his eyes.

Somewhere in the world, Robin Givens and Juliette Lewis are simultaneously scratching their heads wondering what went wrong, because they both gnawed on Brad Pitt's taint. Together, they probably made $27 in Arby's coupons last year.

Here's the rest of Forbes list. There's really something wrong in the world when Kate Winslet is bringing in less coin than the bitch who was in Forces of Nature.

1: St. Angie - $27 million
2: Jenny Aniston - $25 million
3: Meryl Streep - $24 million
4: Sarah Jessica Pony - $23 million
5: Pizza Face Diaz - $20 million
6: Sandra Bullock - $15 million
7: Reese Witherspoon - $15 million
8: Nicole Kidman - $12 million
8: Drew Barrymore - $12 million
10: Squinty Zellweger - $10 million
11: Cate Blanchett - $8 million
12: Anne Hathaway - $7 million
12: Halle Berry - $7 million
14: ScarJo - $5.5 million
15: Kate Winslet - $2 million

VIA The Hollywood Reporter

The gossip around these parts is that Jennifer Aniston and Bradley Cooper went out on a couple (or more) dates together. The tabloids hailed them as the second coming of Jen & Brad. Well, if they were touching nipples in the morning, it doesn't sound like they are anymore.

At the Louis Vuitton show in Paris yesterday, Brad talked a little bit about the noise going around that he's boning Jenny. And he did it in FRENCH. Swoo-ooon. My no-no just queefed in a French accent.

Brad said, "She's a friend of mine. Simply, simply, just a friend. In America, its not like it is here. She's someone who is super, super known. Famous. If someone says 'hello' to her, it's given that he's fallen in love with her. So, no. No. She's a very, very interesting woman, but she's simply a friend."

A "very interesting woman"? That's like when a one-night-fuck says to you afterwards, "That was fun." That's my cue to stroll to his bathroom, wipe my freshly sexed-up ass on his good towel, grab my clothes and proceed to do the walk of shame knowing that I messed up as a true slut. He's basically saying, "Your fuck game is weak!"

"A very interesting woman" either means: a) He got weirded out when Jenny told him they couldn't have sex until the following week because that's when her cycle started. b) She showed up to their second date in her dream wedding dress. c) The head was whack.

Source: People

Maddox's nemesis was honored at the Crystal + Lucy Awards yesterday for her contribution to film and the tabloid industry. By the way, I knew two sisters in junior high school named Crystal and Lucy. They wanted to be cholas so bad, but their facial features just weren't made for dark lip liner and Sharpie eyebrows. They gave up on that dream and decided to get knocked up at the same time instead. It warms my no-heart that they have an entire awards show named after them now. If anyone deserves it, they do.

While accepting her award, Jenny Aniston once again joked about her love life, "I have a strange parallel with movies I was doing and my life off screen. First, it was The Good Girl...which evolved into Rumor Has It, followed by Derailed. Then there was The Breakup. Followed by the lighter side, Friends With Money. If anyone has a movie called Everlasting Love With an Adult Stable Man, that would be great! I'm at table six, and my agents are at table 12."

Then Jennifer laughed like she's never laughed before! Then slowly her laugh turned into a quiet cry which turned into a category 7 Tsunami of tears. Then she pulled pieces of her own hair out while mumbling, "You stupid, stupid, stupid, you stupid stupid..."

But seriously, Jenny's next movie is called The Baster, so she maybe she should put on her sexiest dress and start cruising the kitchen utensil section of Crate & Barrel.

Here's more of Jenny last night looking hot while wearing a beautiful dress made by Reynolds Wrap. She used her dress later to make a delicious meal of roasted chicken and vegetables....for one.

Brad and Jen are back together! Brad and Jen are getting married again! Brad and Jen are having triplets together! Brad and Jen adopt Maddox! At least that's what I'm thinking the next 4 covers of Star Magazine are going to look like. This week, Brad and Jen had a super secret meeting and the limo driver is spilling the sauce. No, the limo driver's name is not Norman.

The limo driver claims he drove Jennifer Aniston to the Gramercy Park Hotel in NYC at 1am to meet Brad. The limo driver said the two spent a couple of hours together in the back of the private roof club. The driver went on to yap, "It was well planned so no one would see them. They were really careful not to be spotted."

Let me get this straight. They don't want to get caught yet they meet on the rooftop of a hotel? An open roof?! Don't they know that God has eyes? Don't they also know that St. Angie is on God's Fave Five? It just takes one quick text message and their shit is EXPOSED! Creeping around: They are doing it wrong!

And after reading this story, I feel like this is a sign that Brad and Jennifer should star in a remake of My Chauffeur. My brain always goes back to the 80s. Always.

Here's Brangie's fuckery on 3 more covers this week. Can the tabloids please find a way to get Brad to leave St. Angie for Megan Fox? That's where this is headed....

Jennifer Aniston is kind of insane. And she's really "polar bear diving crazy" when it comes to her hair. A couple of months ago, there was a rumor that Jenny made FOX pay almost $80,000 to fly her hairslave, Chris McMillan, to Europe where she was promoting that dead dog movie. Well, when it came time to shoot Management, Maddox's greatest rival wanted to go for a homelier look (all together now...HA!), but didn't want to touch her precious locks. So Jenny got Chris to customize a wig. The total price came to (read this in a Kanye CAPS-LOCK scream) $10,000!!!11!!1!!!!!!!!!! For fucking real! Someone got tricked! The kitchen ass wig laying at the bottom of my closet from ten Halloweens ago (I was Mimi from the Heartbreaker video. DON'T ASK) looks better than that!

The hairstylist on the film told People, “She wanted to look very different, but didn’t want to cut or dye her hair. The color was very complimentary on her. She’s got wonderful warm skin. With that blond hair, she’s very known as Jennifer Aniston and I think sometimes that takes away from watching the story."

Yeah, um, that bitch still looks like Rachel from Friends. Even if they put a $10,000 wig on her chin, she'd still look like Jennifer Aniston. WIG FAIL.

Okay, the little girl isn't hers. Jennifer Aniston just hired the girl to make her Wednesday afternoon game of "Play House Times" more real-like. Naw, Jenny is filming that The Baster movie in Brooklyn and I guess the baster worked? Spoiler alert!

Jenny has got the whole mother bear role down. Bitch is disemboweling us with her eyes! I bet she growled at any bitch who dared to come near her and her hired child.

When movie time making was over, they probably had to pry that child out of Jenny's claws using two cranes, Vadge's roidy-cooch and a picture of Maddox winking at the camera. NOT WITHOUT MY BABY FRIEND!

Drunk dialing: every bitch does it! We've all had too much of the sweet stuff which causes us to pick up the phone and moan to an ex about how they killed our dreams and stomped on our hearts. After they hang up on us, we call them back and beg for their forgiveness and cry about how we didn't mean all that. When they hang up on us a second time, we call again and tell them we hope their penis gets caught in the conveyor belt at the airport baggage claim. True story, I've used that line before during a drunk dialing session. Blame Jack Daniels. My point is, that we've all done that shit! Even Brad Pitt! Now Magazine (via Showbiz Spy) claims Brad has been booze calling Jennifer Aniston. Yes, go ahead and stick a label marked "LAUGHS" on this shit.

One source (point your finger at Norman) barked, “She was initially taken aback — especially as he sounded drunk and sorry for himself. He told her he misses her and that he’s sorry for any hurt caused. Jen being Jen immediately told him she’d never held a grudge against him and would welcome them being friends again, so long as she doesn’t have to be friends with Angelina. He agreed. Before the call, Brad hardly ever spoke to Jen and the relationship was strained. But this phone conversation broke the ice and opened the lines of communication once more.”

There's only one way to check if this is true. Call Jennifer Aniston. If a slurry-voiced Brad Pitt is her voicemail message, hold song and ringtone, then you know this shit is fact. Because Jenny would never keep it to herself. And you know she calls herself, sticks her phone on her crotch area and lets Brad's drunk warble rock her world.

Chyler Leigh, who plays Dr. Lexie on Grey's Anatomy, popped out a baby girl today. Chyler and her husband, Nathan West, named the poor child Anniston Kae. This is the closest Jennifer Aniston will ever get to having a baby friend of her very own, right? Jen should send Chyler a fruit basket as a thank you.

A few months ago, Chyler said she was planning to name her baby Aniston, but I thought the trick was just telling jokes. Back then, Chyler said, “It was just something…my husband and I were trying to look for different names and both of our kids have a traditional and a unique name, so we were kind of just looking for something not as common."

Chyler and Nathan's other kids are named Noah Wilde and Taelyn Leigh.

Noah Wilde sounds dangerously close to Noah Wylie. It sounds like Chyler and Nathan like naming their kids after NBC stars. They are totally going to name their next kid Cox after Courtney Cox. Shit, that would've been better than Anniston Kae!

Source: People

Jennifer Aniston's ovaries are still hongray for baby batter (sorry, I hate that term too), so she went out to get herself some! The Susan Boyle of the Americas hit up a party for her movie Management at Table 8 in NYC on Tuesday night. Jennifer put her nose to work to try to sniff out the dude with the highest sperm count (she took a class at the Learning Annex to learn that skill) and it led her to Bradley Cooper.

Bradley and Jenny were both in He's Just Not That Into You. I don't know if they had any scenes together, though. I didn't see that wet piece of crap. Anyway, Page Six says that at the party, Jen was getting on Bradley like she was ready to conceive right then and there! A witness said, "Bradley and Jennifer were definitely into each other. She kept touching his chest and whispering in his ear."

Bradley and Jennifer left the party 10 minutes apart.

Yes, his name is Bradley, but doesn't mean ANYTHING. Yes, Jen probably made him say "Angelina Jolie is a fugly fat cunt with caca brains and a rotten coochie" before she let him touch her breasts, but that has nothing to do with anything. She likes Bradley for Bradley and not because his name is Bradley. It's also a good thing she might be hooking up with a Brad, because then she won't have to make that many changes to her "JEN & BRAD 4EVAHs" shrine. Less work!

According to the paps, this is Jennifer Aniston wearing some kind of KKK/Orko from He-Man hood while leaving her hotel in NYC today to go shoot that movie about a bitch who makes love to a turkey baster or something.

I'm proud of my fingers, because I know they have the intense urge to type "This is the hottest she's ever looked!" Oops. They failed.

Who knows why Jenny decided to cause a mass amount of attention to herself by trying to look like she's hiding her chin from the cameras? Botox gone wrong? Her $60,000 hairstylist wasn't able to pass a blow dryer through her mop. Or it could be something simple like homegirl just has a herp sore on her mouth. Wait. You usually get those from mouth kissing another human being, right? Yeah, can't be that.

Speaking of herpes, when doing research for this non-story (I SWEAR), I found this question on the hilarious bible of all things hilarious: Yahoo Answers!

Can i get herpes from kissing a girl if she ONLY has it on her vagina?
ok me adn this girl were going out for about a week or so and we started kissing like a regular couple does and then i heard she has herpies i thought it was a rumor but i asked her and she said yeah she thinks, only on her vagina not on the mouth or cold sore and im worried cause im allergic to the metal on ur pants button and now my stomach itches is that the allergicness or acn herps spread even if not touched please help