The triangle that is almost more life-sucking and soul-destroying than the Bermuda Triangle was brought back to life last week when Brad Pitt once again told Esquire that ten years ago he was nothing but a haggard puddle of greasy laziness and dirty bong water (translation: Being with Jennifer Aniston sucked the life out of him). Well, in that same Esquire article, Brad's make-up artist of over 20 years Jean Black says that yeah, Brad Pitt suddenly came to life and started living when he dipped his peen into St. Angie's fountain of life pussy, but that doesn't mean he hated being with Aniston.
"I think Brad was ready to soar when he met Angie. This is not to say anything negative about Jennifer. I was part of that and I know that he and Jennifer are very good friends and he cared deeply for her. But in Angie, he saw a very adventurous person who was grabbing on to life and taking it to its nth degree. It was intriguing because I felt Brad had that in him and wanted to unleash it."
Brad is totally one of those whores who pretty much morphs into who ever he's doing. I knew this girl who would become the perfect girlfriend to the dude she was dating. She dated some dude who was all into Nascar and heavy metal and going "to the lake" (that's what we do in CA, we go to the lake) and so she was suddenly into that shit. This bitch normally listened to boy band and pop shit and suddenly she's getting into Slayer. Then when she dumped that dude, she dated a vegetarian type and became vegetarian. I guess the dick was so good it gave her a personality disorder.
So when Brad was with Jen, he was smoking pot and slurping on tequila worms. Now that he's with St. Angie, he's saving the world and collecting points toward getting sainthood. If he starts dating Amanda Bynes, he'll throw bongs out of windows, dance on the elliptical like there's no tomorrow and buy cast-off wigs at the Nicki Minaj stoop sale.
And yes, it's been five hundred million years and we're still talking about this. We're going to talk about this forever and ever and ever. When we're all on our death beds, the last thing we'll say before taking our final breath will be, "But did Brad ever TRULY love Jen?"
When peen-headed Vin Diesel cried about how Hollywood is harder on men than women when it comes to body image, I said some shit about how Hollywood is the land of unrealistic everything and most Hollywood movies are not real life. Here's another example to throw on that pile.
The red band (aka NSFWish) trailer for We're the Millers came out yesterday and it had a couple of scenes of Jennifer Aniston stripping in a club and another scene of Jennifer Aniston stripping in a barn (Side note: "Strippers in a barn" is basically the theme for Trace Cyrus' future bachelor party). I get why Jennifer Aniston wanted to play a stripper. When she's not crocheting boleros for her Beanie Babies, she's doing tequila shots off of Chelsea Handler's leather-covered stomach and when she's not doing that, she's working out (or getting lunchtime lipo). So, since she works that hard on her body, she figures that she might as well show her ass off. I get it. But my neighbor's 12-year-old, obese cat whose got a field of dingles on her butt would make a more believable stripper than Jennifer Aniston does.
But I do appreciate the tribute to TLC in the trailer....
...and the tribute to Cisco Adler's nutsack.
Seen here yelling at dumb and rude New Yorkers who almost walked in front of the paparazzo's camera during their staged photo-op stroll, Justin Theroux, Jennifer Aniston and Jennifer Aniston's ice pick nipples (perfect for when you need to crack open a block of ice for a vodka on the rocks) were in NYC over the weekend. People says that they went shopping for bikinis at Barney's and they drank martinis at Nobu. Riveting shit!
If Justin had a shaved head and carried a black plastic folder covered in anarchy sign stickers, he'd look like every wannabe skinhead at my junior high school. And I don't know if Jennifer Aniston looks like she's having a Chico's kind of day or looks like a come-to-life J. Jill catalog with nipples.
And Aniston's publicist owes her several round of martinis for lighting a match to the never-ending fart known as the pregnancy rumors by covering her stomach with that sweater thing. He trained her well!
File this under: Well, that explains EVERYTHING now....
Cross file under: Pretend it's the 90s again and clutch your pearl to this news.
Jennifer Aniston and her hairstylist of forever Chris McMillan worked with a company on a new line of stuff for your hair and during a slobbery interview with WWD (via UsWeekly), he said that he was stoned into another dimension when he gave her the haircut that everyone's tia had to get in the 90s. Chris was stoned, the scissors were stoned, Aniston was stoned, they were all stoned.
And for the record, McMillan insists he was stoned when he created the oft-copied Rachel cut for Aniston in 1994. “I’m 14 years sober, so I feel safe enough to say that,” he said with a grin.
Well, I guess this means that God or Mother Nature or whoever the hell created the long-haired guinea pig was high as all hell when they created the long-haired guinea pig, because the long-haired guinea pig worked "The Rachel" long before Aniston did. And next up, I'm going to write about how Keri Russell's hairstylist was high on heroin when he chopped her hair off.
Here's Aniston and Chris McMillan at the launch of their new hair stuff in NYC the other day.
SELF Magazine threw a party in L.A. last night for yoga instructor Mandy Ingber's new book called Yogalosophy (I can't with that title) and one of her clients Jennifer Aniston showed up wearing a dress that is making some people ask for the 4,972,620,003rd time if a fetus has moved into her uterus. If Jennifer really had a case of the babies, we'd all know it, because it'd rain clits all around us from her, her family, her friends and tabloid editors screaming their coochies off over the news. Jennifer wore that loose dress and held her stomach like that, because she wanted to give the tabloids the perfect picture to use for their story about how she finally used the vial of Brad Pitt's frozen sperm she's been holding on to for the past 8 years to knock herself up with octuplets.
In other Aniston news, UsWeekly says that Justin Theroux has put away his skinny-cut black leather tuxedo, because his wedding isn't happening anytime soon. Some source says that Jennifer pushed the date back, because she wants her wedding date far, far away from Brangelina's wedding date. Brad and Angie are supposed to get married this summer. The source said that she doesn't want "her day associated with them" and Justin is relieved, because he was getting "weirded out by all the rushing."
Jennifer should get married on the same day as Brangelina, because that will force Maddox to make the hardest decision of his life: does he crash his arch rival's wedding or does he carry his mom's black wedding train as she walks on a trail of weed buds toward his dad? The decisions!
On a different note, before Jennifer gets married, if she gets married, she should have a support beam shoved into her ring finger. Because her ring finger is probably barely holding on thanks to that two ton diamond ring and I'm sure a wedding band will cause it to break and fall to the ground.
Here's a few pictures of the tricks who showed up to last night's party. In order: Aniston with Mandy, Pete Burns, Kate Beckinsale and the chosen ones' godmother Mindy Cohn.
After downloading and cropping that pic, I got second hand coke high, so I took a warm shower, drank two cups of Benzos tea, came back and I'm still grinding my teeth and suffering from the coke sweats. That is your face on coke. That explains why Jennifer Aniston isn't making Justin Theroux sign his name on a money-saving clause (aka a prenup).
Some source tells OK! Magazine (via Hollywood Life) that Justin offered to sign a prenup since she's worth over $100 million and all of his fortune is in his collection of black skinny jeans. Justin's reverse gold digger psychology worked, because Jennifer turned his offer down. The source says:
“Jen’s absolutely adamant about not having a prenup. She told several friends: ‘I’m choosing love, not money. And people are just going to have to deal with it.’ It’s a sweet and romantic thing to do. But a number of friends are desperately worried her decision could come back to haunt her one day.
Everything is going so well between Jen and Justin right now, she doesn’t want to taint the romance.
Why are her friends worried? Aniston has finally found a dude who loves to exfoliate his face with coke as much as she does (see picture above), tucks her Beanie Babies into bed each night for and they can share skinny jeans. That saves them money. They're going to be together forever (which in Hollywood time is 3 years at most). Let's say Justin does get half of her money when they eventually break up, she still has at least $50 million! That'll still buy her a lot of coke to exfoliate her face with.
And now I need to take another warm shower and drink two more cups of Benzos tea.
Jennifer Aniston taped an episode of Ellen yesterday (that shit airs today) and right after she farted on the fake rumor that a Friends reunion is happening next year, Ellen showed a clip of what happened when Jennifer Aniston tried to scare a ho. Jennifer Aniston is as good at scaring hos as she is at playing anybody but herself in movies. Ellen asked Aniston if she ever scares her piece Justin Theroux and she said that he's the one who scares her ass. Justin is always hiding behind drapes and jumping out at her.
"He calls it trickery. But he's constantly hiding behind drapes. And I'm constantly scared. It's like, it doesn't get old on me."
Oh, that Aniston births out a million laughs a second. Justin Theroux isn't hiding behind the drapes, because he wants to scare her. Justin Theroux is hiding behind the drapes, because he's the scared one. You too would be hiding behind whatever you could if before she left the house, your girlfriend chained you to something heavy and put her most trustworthy Cabbage Patch Police Kids in front of you so you won't try anything funny. (Officer Cutey McPatches sees EVERYTHING.)
Justin isn't jumping out at Aniston, because he's trying to spook her ass. He's jumping out, because he hears the foot steps of another human and thinks that help has finally arrived to rescue him! Then when he finds out it's just Aniston, he sighs and goes back to his place behind the drapes to drink his Smart Water and cuddle with the blanket she made for him using her dog's shed fur.
Here's Aniston talking about Justin's "trickery" on Ellen.
Somewhere in England (isn't it always "somewhere in England" with Goop?), Goopy Paltrow is thinking to herself, "Ugh, cupping is SO 9 years ago," as she looks at these pictures of a fellow member of The Brad Pitt's Ex-Pieces Club Jennifer Aniston at a screening for Lifetime's Call Me Crazy in Los Angeles last night. Because Jennifer Aniston wanted everyone to talk about her cupping marks, she wore some weird strapless, decapitated tuxedo outfit thing. Because Jennifer Aniston wanted everyone to think she doesn't want everyone talking about her cupping, she sloppily covered up the marks with some light ass foundation.
Cupping is a form of ancient Chinese medicine that's supposed to stimulate circulation by attaching glass cups to the skin via suction or heat. Some people are into that shit. Personally, I like to stimulate circulation through the other kind of cupping: cupping the balls during a beej. That's just me. (Side note: I wonder if cupping my butt will stimulate circulation to my b-hole again... Hmm...)
I can't wait to see how the tabloids tie Aniston's cupping marks to her desperately wanting a baby or desperately wanting to be a wife. We all know that drunk ass Aniston only got cupped, because she thinks that stimulating circulation means that the tequila will run through her veins faster. Bitch might be on to something...
Jennifer Aniston is supposed to break the forever alone curse put on her by an evil witch (no comment) by licking the grease off of Justin Theroux's lips when they kiss at their wedding in a few months. Jennifer is supposed to get all the attention and all the covers of every magazine and everybody should be talking about her her her her her! But because Brad Pitt has to ruin everything, he's probably going to ruin her wedding day.
The Sun (I know, I know) says that Brad got a marriage license about a month ago and that he and Angie Jolie are planning to throw a wedding at their chateau in France in May. Jennifer also wants to get married around May, so she's pissing into Brad's bong, because he's ruining her damn life once again. Some source said that Jennifer was thinking of going to Brad's wedding (file that under: things that will only happen if Maddox lures her there by leaving a trail of Beanie Babies from her door to Brangie's wedding), but she's changed her mind.
“All that goodwill would go out the window if Brad’s wedding date comes close to hers. Jennifer will see it as an attempt to upstage her and there will be a battle over Hollywood guests. She knows they will be judged on who had the better wedding by pulling in the biggest stars."
I know, I've typed this a million times before (what else is new?), but Brangie and TinAnis should really make the world explode by having a double wedding. If they had a double wedding, the sheer force of the Brangeloonies' heads exploding would make the Earth tilt on its axis and we'd all free fall into the universe before landing on a planet far, far away. We'd get up, wipe the foreign planet dust off of our body and just as we all breathed out sighs of relief over never hearing about the Brangie and Aniston triangle again, some alien will come up to us and say in our native tongue, "So who's dress was hotter? Jen or Angie's?"
But really, Brad and Angie are never getting married. They're just dragging this out to torture all of us forever.
And here's Brad dressed like a middle-aged lesbian architect while walking through LAX yesterday.
Allison Williams, who is best known for being Brian Williams' daughter and for playing Miranda on the reboot of Sex and the City called Girls, talked to The Los Angeles Times (via Gossip Cop) about getting into the acting game. Allison said that her parents wouldn't let her audition for stuff until she was out of college and watching Lindsay Lohan in Mean Girls made her think that she was never going to make it since she didn't start acting when she was still in Pampers. Allison realized that it's not that kind of game and then said some seriously delusional shit about Jennifer Lawrence.
"When 'Mean Girls' came out, I just thought Lindsay Lohan was genius. I didn't understand how I could ever come close to that if they didn't let me start young. I've come to realize it's not a zero-sum game. When I see performances like Jennifer Lawrence's in 'Silver Linings Playbook,' I think, 'God, what a great role.' But maybe, just maybe, she watches 'Girls' and maybe, just maybe, she wishes she was on 'Girls.'"
So when Allison Williams, who should've been born in the 70s because she could've been the Breck Girl of all Breck Girls, is brushing her hair a hundred times while watching Girls, she's thinking about how Jennifer Lawrence might also be brushing her hair a hundred times while wishing that she was on Girls? Bitch needs to stop, drop and roll right out of here. Like Jennifer Lawrence really wants to piss on the train tracks and snot into a bath tub for a TV show on HBO! ......Actually, Jennifer Lawrence probably wants to do all those things and she'd do it for a fat j and a McDonald's cheeseburger.