Rihanna

Matt Kemp of the L.A. Dodgers ("The Bison" if you love to smack a bare ass in the locker room) seems happier Ryan Gaycrest getting a prostate exam while grabbing onto RiRi's nalgas in Mexico yesterday. Or maybe he's just happy because he knows there's photographic evidence of him giving RiRi's cheeks a hand hug. Yeah, that's probably it.

But Matt really should be using his hands to grab a gigantic hat to cover up RiRi's fried "Drop Dead Fred meets a Sun-In bottle" hair.

Hopefully, after Matt finished giving her stomach an Eskimo kiss (see thumbnail 7), he took her down to the beach to get her hair braided by a professional! When she comes back from getting hers in Mexico, let's hope she strolls through the airport looking like this. Now that is the fucking look.

The air in NYC on Saturday night looked like the aftermath of a Sean Penn sneeze, so RiRi bundled up in a coat made from fluffy white kittens, baby polar bears and innocent bunny rabbit friends. It's like CuteOverload.com died on her body. Something tells me there's a 99.999% chance of Peta members raining on top of her.

Since this is RiRi we're talking about, she didn't keep that cuteness cemetery on her body for long. The heat from her body commanded her to rip that coat off and share her titty balls and belly 'gina with the world! But she really should've kept her coat on. And not because I don't want to see her chichis, but because I really don't want to see that wool diaper.

Here's more of RiRi and Jay-Z performing in some pre-taped New Year's Eve special at Rockefeller Center this past weekend.

Maybe it's because I'm slightly more delusional than normal since I'm only operating on 15 hours of sleep this week (that's not a lot for someone who is naturally reeeeeaaaally lazy), but RiRi's video for "Hard" made me think of Private Benjamin.

And then I got to thinking about how this video would've given my soul a boner ("So Hard" indeed) if Goldie Hawn was the one wearing a Mickey Mouse helmet on her head while grabbing at her vag bone. We're going to need a sequel, Private Benjamin: SO HARD.

Since nothing sells albums like titty domes and crotch hugs (just ask Glamberace), RiRi gives us plenty of both in January's GQ Magazine. My only gripe is that RiRi is always covering up her nipples with her arms and hands. It seems that in most of her pictures lately, she's demurely busting a "Nipples Cost More" pose. If she keeps doing that shit she's going to get a cramp in her arm. Or worse, her nipples are going to get tired of being covered up all the time and will run into the chest of a bitch who isn't ashamed of them!

Also, it's a little funny that one of the stories in this issue of GQ is about why it's "not cool to get stoned anymore." You're going to need a majorly obese joint to get through half of RiRi's interview with them.

And does anybody know if the sweater in the second thumbnail below comes in electric purple? Cream is not my color.

Ever since "the slut dress," retired from the spotlight and is now sipping on a daiquiri in a bag somewhere in Sarasota, FL, I've been waiting for its successor. Well, it's likely that Alien Princess RiRi has found the next slut dress.

At a party for her new album in NYC last night, RiRi wore this stunning peek-a-nipple zebra tiger dress, which I'm pretty sure came from the Flirt Catalog's "ladies who munch ass" section. This dress is worthy of such an honor, because it provides easy access for nipple pinching and it's made from a fabric that is usually used to cover pillows from Z Gallerie.

Now if we can only get other celebwhores to wear this shit on the ho stroll. Somebody send it to Susan Boyle, Bobby Trendy, Beth Ditto, Noah Cyrus and Surprised Kitty.

And in other RiRi news, The National Tila Tequila Enquirer claims she's got herpes. Maybe Tila's a little jealous, because herpes is the only STD she hasn't caught yet? Sorry, it was too easy.

If you haven't sent a picture of your chichis and coochie to your latest boyfriend, then send RiRi his address because she would like to mail him an "I Feel Sorry For You" greeting card. You see, RiRi's motto is: "If you don't send your boyfriend naked pictures, then I feel bad for him." That trick really said that.

In a radio interview with Hot 97 (via BBC), RiRi talked about those naked pictures of herself that leaked onto the internet earlier this year. RiRi said she had originally sent the pictures to an ex-boyfriend (gee, I wonder who), because she thought it was hot.

RiRi went on to say that she was embarrassed when the public at large got an eye full of her alien balls, "I just felt like my whole privacy was taken before that and then, when that came out, I thought, 'oh great, so now there's nothing they don't know about me and my private life. It was humiliating and it was embarrassing - especially my mum having to see that. It was two days before Mother's Day, so I was nervous. I sent her flowers first before I called and then she texted me - when the world is against me she's always there supporting."

Let's go back to this "sending your boyfriend naked pictures" thing. RiRi didn't say anything about your boyfriend returning the favor by sending you an HD DVD of him playing with his peen under a bright light. And she also didn't mention collecting a credit card number with expiration date and security code before sending him the naked pictures. I'm confused. RiRi wants you to give the gift of your nakedness without getting anything in return? Huh? Wha?! Huh?

It's not like you're going to have an orgasm every time he jacks off to the pictures. My motto is: If it doesn't make your pussy pucker or your wallet burst, then don't do it.

If your dick doesn't make a vagina call 911 upon first sight, then RiRi isn't even trying to fuck with you. In a new interview with German magazine Bravo (via Post Chronicle), RiRi said that your peen must be a certain height in order to ride her ride.

RiRi explained, "He has to be good in bed and the size matters. You know what I mean? The inner beauty counts as well, but without a toy it doesn't make it fun. Right now I don't want to have a serious relationship, I want to have fun. I love flirting at the moment. I'm single and I'm enjoying my freedom. But I don´t give my phone number out that often. But if I'm dating, I check the boy from the top to the bottom."

RiRi's last boyfriend turned out to be a fat pussy, so it makes sense that she's on the prowl for a wang in size: TOMMY LEE.

In a perfect world, we'd all love a cock that can split a Magnum condom in two, but big whores can't be choosers. I try to pretend like I have standards (HA!), but throw a micro mini peen in front of me and I'll probably shrug while saying, "Sure, why not?"

Celine Dion once said this about shoes: "When a salesperson askes me what size I need, I answer 'No, what size do you have?'" The same goes for peen. Where there's a dick, there's a way.

RiRi has found a new piece that will kiss every inch of her infinityhead (which Scientists have proven takes around 8.3 hours total) while cuddling on a cold winter's night. According to Gatecrasher, that piece is actor Tristan Wilds. Tristan Wilds does sound like the name of an Eastern European power bottom porn star, but he's actually a cast member on the new 90210.

The two, who have been secretly dating for a quick minute, acted all couple-like at a party she threw last weekend. A source said, "She likes him a lot, and it shows. From the moment he walked into her party, Rihanna lit up. They'll keep in touch while she's away."

While I understand that RiRi needs a bitch to fiddle with her alien labia now and again, she really needs to stay away from all BOW TIES. If a man is wearing a bow tie without a tuxedo, he's either a dick taster, an old timey piano player/child toucher or a lady beater.

Besides, it's hard to take a dude seriously when he keeps the "Prada" sticker on his eyeglasses.

Since Alien Princess RiRi is obviously a member of the Illuminati, keep a glass of holy water close by while watching this. If you don't have holy water, any brand of vodka will do.

I'm sure that RiRi's video for "Russian Roulette" is full of Chris Brown metaphors, but it's Fuck All Friday, so we'll let Detective La Toya Jackson figure it out. We'll also let her figure out what the hell is going on this video. Okay, I'll try....

Let's see, RiRi plays Russian Roulette with some hot piece, he goes down, she arrested, she brings the emotion to some guard who could give a dick, she makes herself bleed by touching herself (ILLUMINATI!) and then she gets gassed by a gay club smoke machine? OH.KAY.

And don't even ask me about the scene where she's performing in Cirque De Soleil's "O." When the hell did she find the time to do that?

VIA ONTD

Alien Princess RiRi must have been visiting with Siegfried & Roy at their home when she suddenly got the uncontrollable urge to hump on their fancy shiny window blinds in their office. RiRi got a little carried away. That's the only way I can explain the dress she wore to Glamour's Women of the Year Awards in NYC last night. Think of all the papers cuts that mound of fugness is responsible for.

RiRi should have kept disaster in the "paper only" recycle bin and stuck with the dress she had on earlier in the night. Now that is a dress I can flick my nipples to. You can't go wrong when wearing a dress that is slit all the way up to your slit.