Rihanna

After Christian lets in that bright ass light at the end of Lost, Charlie is dragged down to the basement to live in a dump house where he and Megan Fox slap each other around while Eminem hops like a bunny in the backyard and RiRi McDonald brings the raw emotion in the front.

This is the video for Eminem and RiRi's "Love The Way You Lie", which some say is taking domestic violence and putting it in front of a camera at Glamour Shots. You be the Judge Judy.

One of the things that concerns me the most about this video is that some coked up movie executive is going to see the shot of Megan Fox with flames shooting out of her hands and think to himself, "We've finally found our star for the Firestarter remake!" DAMN YOU, EMINEM!

This is what happens when a Universal executive drops the wrong kind of acid before trying to complete a "Which True Blood Character Are You?" quiz while his kids play Battleship (just pretend kids still play that shit) on the table and the maid hums the chorus to "Breakin' Dishes" at the same time she's Windexing the plasma.....which is playing an episode of Friday Night Lights! AND BREATHE!

Variety (via Coming Soon) reports that Alien Princess RiRi has joined ASkars and Taylor Kitsch in the film adaptation of the game Battleship. ASkars and Taylor will play brothers who fight together to save the world or some shit. RiRi is the female lead.

Yes, acid definitely played a key part in the decision making for this mess. I know I shouldn't sink this battleship with my hate bombs before it even starts shooting, but how can this work?!

Well, the only way this can work is if ASkars and Taylor's characters are allergic to clothes. And their characters should always greet one another by licking each other's nipples (Hey, I think that's how the Hogan family says hi). And when they get in an argument, they'll settle it by chewing on each other's nipples. Oh, and RiRi's main love interest better be Shy Ronnie.

Alien Princess RiRi brought her ketchup colored foolery to the Rio in Rio Madrid Festival in Spain tonight, and I don't know whether I want to hand her a pair of clippers or dip a french fry in her hair. Bitch looks like Ronald McDonald's special cousin Rudy who has big dreams of becoming a full-time Moe Howard impersonator, but has to work the red eye as a janitor in the meantime.

I'm trying to hate this shit, but the more I stare at it the more I see a peen head. And well, you know I'm easy for peen heads. Even peen heads that suffer from Rosacea.

Now the fact that her body looks like Vadge's Blonde Ambition tour drank too much Cisco and barfed all over it is a different subject for another day.

Alien Princess RiRi wants to become somebody's mother one day, but says she's leaning towards taking the adoption route because the thought of passing a baby through her vag gives her the scareds. You know, the thought of RiRi passing a baby through her vag gives me the scareds too.

In an interview with Bauer Radio's In:Demand show RiRi says, "I'm really scared of the actual child birth situation, but I do want to be a mother one day. Even if I have to adopt I want to be a mother."

If I was RiRi I'd be scared of child birth too. If RiRi's baby inherited her infinityhead of wonder, she'd suffer the longest childbirth of all childbirths. I mean, it would take HOURS for her baby's forehead to clear her snatch. The nurses would pull up a chair and play a game of Tic Tac Toe on baby's forehead while waiting for its eyes to show up.

via Contact Music

Since watching famous hos fall is always a wonderful way to start your day, here's RiRi taking a small tumble (at the 0:04 mark for the lazies) while performing in London on Monday night. Homegirl looks like an awkward baby giraffe trying to do The Twist for the first time and failing. That shit is funny, but I will say that RiRi is MUCH better at falling than she is at doing the Moonwalk. This much is true.

And below is Lady Caca almost busting her ass (at the 0:24 mark) while sashaying off stage in Hamburg. That is the exact moment where her tuck came undone. Dick is always making a bitch trip.

via ONTD

Apparently, RiRi is attempting to Moonwalk here, but bitch looks more like a scared ass horse slowly tip toeing backwards after spotting a snake on the ground. Even the "I've Got No Legs" dude from Kids can probably Moonwalk better than RiRi.

RiRi, leave that shit to the professionals...or to the cats.

via Crunk + Disorderly

The other day I microwaved a leftover bean burrito in a Styrofoam container too long and my apartment smelled like a meth lab explosion in a Del Taco. This is probably what it smelled like at the LG Arena in Birmingham, England after Alien Princess RiRi's coochie burned rubber during her show. Or shall I say, the rubber burned her coochie. How. Dreadful.

I'm all for going around looking like a second-tier stripper from Tron, but not if it's going to cause harm to your labia. Latex burns on the chocha is not something you want to explain to your nurse practitioner.

At the Echo Awards in Berlin last night RiRi took part in a bump 'n grind threesome with two gigantic robots that ended with a squirt to the eye. RiRi doesn't play with peens of the Jon Gosselin variety, so I'm guessing these robots are hung like a semi.

But really, this is the type of behavior I expect to see in Michael Bay's rec room or in the basement of the Scientology center. Nasty robot skanks!

Clip of RiRi's robot freakiness below. I hope they used WD-40.

RiRi always struts through life looking like one of the The Misfifts' obsessed groupies, so I didn't reach for the "What the Hell kind of GD Outfit is this?" headline after looking at these pictures of her performing at the Super Bowl's pre-game show in Miami last night.

But I bet you this shit made Santy Claus reach for the holly-scented lube, because RiRi looks like a North Pole hooker in that slutty Christmas catsuit. Get yours, Santy. You're allowed to cum more than once a year.

Here's more of RiRi and Justin Bieber (is that the American Idol crying girl with him?) performing last night.

At Clive Davis' pre-Grammy party last night, RiRi's dress took me to so many places. It took me to Candy Spelling's gift wrapping room, because homehead looked like she just had a totally messy orgy with a bunch of tissue paper. RiRi's dress also took me to the county fair, because I'm staring at her wondering if I want blue or pink cotton candy. And finally, RiRi's dress took me to a ballet recital starring 6-year-olds, because bitch looked like she got caught in a tutu tornado and barely lived to the tale.