Rihanna

Putting every single one of Ronald McDonald's favorite drag wigs to the test, the Illuminati's reigning princess, RiRi, gives head to a banana and humps a blow-up doll in her new video for "S&M," which features Perez Hilton as her bottom bitch dog. This mess is trying to make you feel like you're playing a game of Candy Land after injecting liquefied Pop Rocks into your eye veins and choking yourself with a Red Vine.

This shit reminds me of the time I thought I was buying Ecstasy at some dumb rave in the late 90s. An hour later, one of my friends, who also bought the wrong stuff, asked me if I was rollin' yet. I lied and said I was as I sucked on a pacifier like a total poser moron. My friend burst my fake roll when she told me that she found out he sold us baby aspirin. That pacifier dropped out of my mouth faster than the "YOU DUMB BITCH" laughs leaped off her tongue.

Basically, this video is like baby aspirin disguised as the bad shit.

Some of you are hoping that the sun won't come out tomorrow, so you won't ever have to see the remake of Annie starring WILLOW SMITH! (Okay, even if the sun doesn't come out tomorrow they can still shoot this remake using high-powered lights and fake plants, but who cares about technicalities!) Variety is hearing that the mind of Will Smith and the professional butchers at Sony may bring us another film adaptation of Annie with Willow in the title role and Jay-Z serving as music consultant.

The remake is just in development stages right now, but there's a good chance it will move forward since The Karate Kid starring Jaden Smug Smith was such a huge hit ($350 million worldwide). Variety doesn't know if they will update Annie by bringing it into 2011 (they will).

Will and Jada.... Those two. You know, most parents record their children's talent shows and then show it to everybody who comes over. That's annoying, but it's normal. Will and Jada get production companies to invest millions of dollars into their children's talent shows and then they charge all of us $12 a ticket to see that shit. They must be stopped!

But seriously, I've never liked that whiny brat Annie anyway. She sucks. Whenever she yodels out "Tomorrow", I say a little prayer that her dog bites her in the mouth to shut her ass up. Miss Hannigan (who will be played by Beyonce or Queen Latifah or Nicki Minaj in the remake) is the real victim in that story!

Even though I have no real attachment to Annie, I still think Willow is the wrong choice. Willow's biggest hit is "Whip My Hair" and Annie's ginge fro doesn't move at all! It's physically impossible.

The right choice for the role of Annie is Rihanna. And she showed us why when she arrived at some club in L.A. last night. I present to you...RIANNIE!

"The sun will come out tomorrow, although I won't be able to see it since this overgrown red fern blocks my fucking vision!"

When RiRi's done with the Annie remake, she can also make a Sideshow Bob movie and a Carrot Top biopic.

In an interview with The Ed Lover Show on Power 105.1, The Little Meriri was asked if she spends times with blogs and reading her response was like looking into the mirror through my tear-stained eyes. Bitch, you know us!

"I still read the blogs sometimes, it depends on what it is I am trying to find out. I’m a lot more numb to it now only because I understand what it is. It’s a community for people who don’t have anything else to do and hate themselves, they hate their life, they hate their job, they hate their appearance, they are uncomfortable with who they are so what makes them feel good is talking smack about other people who they think they will never ever see in their life and they happen to be celebrities. It seems impossible to ever have the opportunity to say these things to their face, so they get to hide behind their computer."

And now thanks to RiRi I've got my new ABOUT page!

Source: Necole Bitchie via ONTD

Whoever said RiRi isn't the kind of role model you want kids today to look up to, need to spend a little time with these pictures of her posing with a bunch of chirruns outside of a restaurant in NYC last night. While the Ronald McDonald bukkake on her head says "Fuck My Life", the necklace around her neck says "fuck you." Now that is a lesson plan I can get behind.

Most parents want to do the honor of teaching their children the only words they will need in life, but I'm sure they didn't mind their kids learning from RiRi. And I'm also sure that these kids' teachers will be so proud when they bring this mess of a picture in for show and tell. Those teachers are going to need a bigger gold star!

And I'm sure that RiRi's rep will say that she thought her necklace meant "rebellious flower" in Dutch.

Here's a few more pictures of Teacher RiRi with our nation's youth last night and also of her leaving her hotel this morning with Argie Cherries' freshly scalped mane on her head.

At the 2:00 mark in the video above, RiRi glides out onto the stage to sing "Livin' On A Prayer" with Bon Jovi. This happened at a pre-MTV EMAs concert in Madrid last night. I'm not going to ask "Whose idea? What kind of drugs? Or why was is this necessary in life?", because I'm actually enjoying this.

From Jon Bon Jovi's nip slip teases to RiRi's "Your momma on low-grade E and orange juice" moves (TAKE THAT, DEMI MOORE!), this is just the kind of mess I needed today. And RiRi has scored some extra credit for dressing like one of Dracula's third-tier concubines. That shit she's wearing is definitely from Fredrick's of Hollywood's Illuminati Sweetheart collection.

Here's the lq version of Alien Princess RiRi's video for "Only Girl in the World," which features her as Raggedy Ann rollin' on Ecstasy in a field of flowers after the rest of humanity was taken out by gigantic rubber roses from another planet.

You know, this video makes me feel really guilty that I cheated on my book report for Z for Zachariah. I used Cliffs Notes, because I didn't finish reading it. I should turn a wrong into a right by reading every page of it before writing a FOR REAL book report on it. For extra credit, I'll create a shoe box diorama based on the central theme of the book. My 7th grade English teacher will totally appreciate this when I turn my project in. Or she'll be like, "You weird."

via Necole Bitchie

Dear extra from Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Dead, You can finally put on that outfit you stole from the costume department and rock that shit proudly like Sienna Miller did in France yesterday. Who cares if those pants make your labia look like the size of one of Jabba the Hutt's chins. Who cares if bitches start singing "Does your puss hang low? Does it wobble to and fro?" when you walk on by. Who cares if those pants are the color of week-old salmon tartare. If it's good enough for Sienna....

And speaking of hos dressing like high school students from the early 90s, I've also thrown in some pictures of RiRi in Paris

RiRi, who has a 9-inch long forehead, and Willow Smith, who is 9 years old, both have new songs and let's throw them into the ring to battle it out against each other, shall we? First up is the grown ass Willow Smith who released the first single off her next album called "Only Girl (In The World" (above).

This confirms that RiRi is an alien cyborg from a planet far far away, because she just released a full album two hot seconds ago and she's already got a new song on a new album out. Damn. Even auto-tune needs a break! Anyways, I would be all over this song if I was messed up on K in the middle of a gay club circa 2001 with my rave whistle firmly in my mouth. Seriously, this song was made for the annoying dude with the rave whistle who killed everyone's buzz by blowing with the beat. Because this song provokes rave whistle foolery, I cannot condone it. Now on to the mini Riri...

Willow Smith, the daughter of musical genius (sprayed with a generous amount of sarcasm) Will Smith, is sashaying onto the music game with her new single "Whip My Hair" (below). When I was 9-years-old, I could maybe come up with a 15-second-long song about saliva bubbles, so Willow has me beat (Ed note: I still could only come up with a 15-second-long song about saliva bubbles and that's it). This is definitely a song Tommy Girl is going to twerk it to, so I will declare Willow as the winner of this battle.

But seriously, both of those songs make me want to cleanse my ears out with some real music... You know, like Stacey Q or Stevie B!

via ONTD

SPOILER ALERT: The curling iron won! RiRi is still dying her hair with packets found in the bottom of a Happy Meal and recently added longer locks made from Ronald McDonald's pit follicles. Before performing Syracuse, NY last night, RiRi tried to curl her thirsty tomato mop (smells like over-microwaved Ragu), but the prism to Mars on her head got in the way! RiRi Twatted a picture of her injuries with a little joke:

New hair....new curling iron BURN......damn 5head always in the way

RiRi needs to stop being modest and embrace that she's hung on the head. If she had a measly 5head, she would not be the main wet dream girl of every size queen with a forehead fetish. Not today. Not ever.

Here's RiRi running around on stage last night looking like Ronald McDonald's cracked out second cousin who fucks for McFlurries under the golden arches.

Some French speakers think that RiRi's “Rebelle Fleur” neck tattoo really read "Le Dumb Ass" because they say it is grammatically incorrect. They say that in French the adjective always shows up before the noun, so her neck tattoo should say “Fleur Rebelle" instead. But according to OK! Magazine, RiRi thinks she's right and knew before she got the tattoo that bitches would jump on her ass for it.

RiRi allegedly wrote her tattoo artiste the following text message before she came into his shop to get tapped with a needle: “rebelle fleur translates to rebel flower, NOT rebelious flower, its 2 nouns so in that case fleur does not HAVE to be first! Fyi, cuz they will ask”.

All the French I know I learned from Pepe Le Pew, so I'm not the one to comment on whether RiRi's shit is right or wrong. And honestly, I'm more concerned that somewhere in the world there's a sad Emo clown with a cold head.

Here's Flower Rebellious or Rebel Flower (or WHATEVER) struttin' into a club in NYC last night after performing at MSG.