Rihanna

A strange thing happened at WIP nightclub in NYC last night, Chris Brown raged at a person and the person was not a woman. Just when you think you start to know the world, it does something like this. Both TMZ and Media Takeout say that Drake's entourage got into a bottle-throwing bitch brawl with Fist Brown's entourage over RiRi's Entenmann's pussy. Yeah, so can you tell your office label maker to please make a label for this file that reads: Dumb ho fights dumb ho over dumb ho. Thank you.

The rumor is that RiRi is patting her vagina with the peens of both Chris Brown and Wheelchair Jimmy. So there was douche-ified tension in the room last night when both of those bitches showed up with their crews. Fist tried to break the awkwardness by sending a bottle over to Wheelchair Jimmy's table. A source tells MTO that Wheelchair Jimmy responded by returning the bottle to sender with the note: “I'm fucking the love of your life, deal with it." Being the spoiled mound of toddler dingles that he is, Chris Brown busted into a tantrum, got in Drake's face and that's when Drake started throwing punches. If the person Chris is brawling against doesn't have a vagina, he's not quite sure how to handle it. So as he scratched his head wondering what to do, someone from Wheelchair Jimmy's gang beat that bitch in the face with a bottle several times. The blood of the rabid beaver sprayed everywhere.

Club security broke up the fight and the police were called. But when the cops showed up, Drake and Chris were already gone. Chris then jumped on Twitter and tweet whined about the fight before putting up this gross picture of the sign of Wheelchair Jimmy on his chin. (Note: That's Chris' nose ring and not a piece of a tampon string or a weird-looking coke flake). Chris' stupid ass obviously doesn't know that when you tweet it, they will screen grab it, because after raging on Twitter he deleted everything. But the evidence had already been captured by then. Behold, the parade of n-words:

How u party wit rich niggas that hate? Lol... Throwing bottles like girls? #shameonya!

Niggas is pussy!

Bottles? It's nothing. Lol

Niggas throwing bottles! Y'all niggaz weak!

Niggas hiding in the bathroom bitch ass niggas!

Ok! Niggas stand behind security!!!! Ok! U don't pay them enough!

If you read that as, "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! OK!" you still read it right. "Throwing bottles like girls?" Yeah, because real men throw punches at girls.

I want to open my mouth to laugh at that picture, but I'm afraid of what will come out while I'm staring deep up into Chris Brown's nostrils. I also want to do a wheelie for Team Wheelchair Jimmy, but I can't. I'll just sit with Team Bottle, because it's the only reasonable one in this situation.

And here's RiRi sashaying around NYC last night.

Remember when you were 19 and your mother would tell you to "pat don't scratch" your genital warts? Well, I was reminded of this when RiRi kept patting at her puss while performing on SNL last night. RiRi is obviously trying to coin a dance move like Michael Jackson's dick grab, but I'm conflicted about this. On one hand, I don't really need to see RiRi TSA herself in HD. On the other hand, RiRi playing patty cake with her chocha did take the focus away from her goat yodeling and the rest of her dance moves, so I just don't know. But I do know that bitch needs to immediately make a "pat don't scratch" PSA on behalf of the free clinic.

And in case you missed last night's episode, here's what I thought was the best part:

It's kind of true, because I've heard women say that after reading 50 Shades of Crap, they had to put a mop down there to absorb all the panty pudding. When they walked, their gushy crotches made sounds like a small pony tap dancing on a full sponge. It must be a lady thing, because it didn't have the same effect on me. I had to quit that book after 150 pages in. Yeah, they fuck a few times, but the author left out the most important detail: Christian Grey's dick! How long is it in inches? If it was an item on Taco Bell's menu, would it be a cinnamon twist or a chalupa with extra cheese? How am I supposed to get into that shit if I don't know what I'm working with? That's just lazy porn writing!

RiRi (aka the EDGEST and HARDEST bitch in the EDGY and HARD game) posted a bunch of pictures from Coachella on her Instragram and she included this one of her dealing with a mysterious substance on her paid slut carrier's bald head. The Mirror tried to get to the bottom of this by zooming up close to see exactly what kind of situation is happening on dude's head. These are the possibilities:

1. Spoiled coke bought from a Lohan.
2. Hacked up curdled cum (it happens).
3. Feta cheese, because there's always time for feta cheese.
4. Dandruff. Dude is such a man that even his dandruff is full of testosterone.
5. Weed hit by a camera flash.

RiRi is rolling a blunt, so obviously it's weed whitewashed by the flash, but that shouldn't be the story here. The real story is that RiRi is using the head of her bodyguard (or whoever he is) as a human coffee table. Dude already has to carry this ho around like he's her paid human lifeguard chair and then he has to deal with her scratching his head with her plastic red roach nails while rolling a blunt? I'm sorry, but I wouldn't even let my own abuelita roll a blunt on my head. Okay, yes I would, but only because I really believe letting your grandma roll a blunt on your head is something you should experience in life.

This dude is a majorly devoted employee. If that was me, I would've scooped the weed from my head and screamed "WATCH FOR FALLING HOS" before leaning back. Then I'd roll my own blunt while walking to the unemployment office.

While promoting Battleshit with Taylor Kitsch and Brooklyn Decker at a press conference in London today, RiRi was asked about her maybe piece Ashton Kutcher by a reporter from ITN and the alien-headed one was not pleased at all. In case you don't know the goings on of RiRi's vagina, she was papped showing up to Ashton Kutcher's house at midnight the other night and The Sun says she's been popping her coochie on Kutchie for the past 8 weeks. Cut to this afternoon when Reporter Sarah dropped a sneak attack on RiRi. Sarah started her question one way and just when you thought it was about to go another, she pulled out the "So if I sniffed your mouth would I smell Ashton's dick?" question on RiRi.

Sarah: Hi, Sarah from ITN. Rihanna, this is a question for you. I have no doubt that all of your fans are coming to see this film. You know, you have so many. And you're so good with connection with people that I think that we actually feel we know you. Things are clearly going brilliantly in your career. I just wondered if you are as happy in your private life. Will we be seeing a certain Mr. Kutcher perhaps making a trip over here?

RiRi: Wow, how disappointing was that question.

Moderator: Should we move on to another one?

RiRi: Absolutely. I'm happy and I'm single, if that's what you're really asking.

It was a disappointing question, because RiRi was there as a serious actress and she should only be expected to answer questions about her tour de force, emotionally raw performance in the culturally important art house film Battleship. What was Sarah from ITN supposed to ask RiRi about? I wish Sarah would've asked RiRi why she's wearing Lindsay Lohan's old hair. I mean, wow, how disappointing is that wig. But really, what would be a better question? Did RiRi expect Sarah to ask about her creative process when getting into character? We all know the answer to that shit. RiRi gets into character by smoking a fat blunt in the bathroom. That's also her process for getting ready to answer questions in a press conference, because ho looks as stoned as I wish I was right now.

I know the last thing anybody wants to see on a Monday morning is something Chris Brown's beaver molars have gnawed, but let's just get this shit out of the way so we can quickly move no to more important and newsworthy stories like PUSSY ELEVATORS! It's been about 7 seconds since RiRi's Barbadian nipple knobs have gotten any camera time and if the eyes of a stranger don't gaze into their slit holes every hour on the hour, they'll shrivel into raisin dust like ear drums when she sings live. So RiRi put them on display while struttin' to Da Silvano in NYC last night.

You know, I'm all for a trick looking like she just drunkenly fell titties-first into a screen door (it keeps the flies out), but this entire look is a damn fucking mesh. Bitch looks like a truck stop hooker circa 1991 who is hitchhiking to Hollywood to live out her dream of being a Fly Girl on In Living Color. That sweater mesh thing is confusing me and those 90s jeans remind me of desperate times when I would sit on my bedroom floor carefully ripping holes into my Bugle Boys with pinking shears to make it look like they just naturally tore that way.

And I'm 99% sure that at least one member of Bell Biv DeVoe wore this exact outfit back in the day and I'm 99% sure that he wore it better.

File this under: WWJZS? (What Would Jay-Z Say?)

STUNT QUEEN trolls Chris Brown and RiRi farted out not one, but two remixes they did together. Above is the Birthday Cake (Remix) and Chris goes on about how he misses fucking on RiRi. Excuse me while I try to cleanse my skin with my own barf. If RiRi wants to fuck on that twathole again, then fine, but why is she dragging us into it? More importantly, why is she dragging delicious cake into it? It's like someone put a delicious Cookie Puss in front of me and then RiRi and Chris Brown came along to shit right on top of it. Fuck these two stupid bitches. THEY RUINED CAKE!!!!

Click here if you can't hear the shit above. But if you can't hear the shit above, take it as a sign.

Yes, that pun was intended. 24 years ago today, the secret child of The Brain traveled in a pod from her home planet to earth where Barbadians found her on their shores and raised her as their own. Most of celebrate this special day by not giving a fuck, but Chris Brown celebrated it by Twatting a barfday message to RiRi, which she re-Tweeted to all of her followers. What does it all mean?????

Does it mean that RiRi really is sitting on Chris Brown's No. 2 pencil dick again and wants all of us to know it?

Does it mean that RiRi is friends with Chris Brown even though he's still a spoiled piece of beaver shit that not even a maggot would eat?

Does it mean that RiRi is conceited as all hell, because Chris Brown was really giving a birthday greeting to Nippy's former partner in pussy Robyn Crawford and she thinks she's the only Robyn on earth?

Does it mean that RiRi and Chris Brown are shameless spotlight fuckers and are simply promoting the stupid song they supposedly did together?

If it's the first one, I just have to say: Whatever, RiRi. I guess the heart wants what the heart wants. But then again, my heart wants me to sit on a Grey Goose bottle before doing a handstand until vodka seeps out of the pores on my head, but that doesn't mean I'm going to do it. Again.

Here's the Terrible Twat of Tappahannock looking like a brain dead, mouth-breathing Tyrannodouchebag Rex in Miami over the weekend. The hos on the beach probably weren't sure if the rank stench was coming from his open mouth or his hanging out ass. I will never forgive those seagulls for not shitting on his beaver teeth while they had the chance.

I know, I should double slap myself in the face for asking a question that even hos not named Al Pacino clearly knows the answer to. But RiRi tried. RiRi said at the Grammys last week that she recently decided to follow the "If Elvira Hancock wouldn't wear it, neither am I" rules of glamour and she made that shit perfectly clear at Stella McCartney's shown London last night. Look at RiRi sexy posing hard like she's in the line-up at a Bangkok whore house and she's one beej away from meeting her quota for the month.

While I appreciate that RiRi is giving me "if Tina Turner was in Scarface" vibes, I just can't with her trying to recreate the trophy piece perfection of Michelle Pfeiffer. I mean, I'd like to see RiRi try to bust out "sedated chicken airing out its pits" moves in that dress:

RiRi needs to leave dressing like a 1980s expensive Miami coke whore to the professionals.

I've already posted one picture of Chris Brown's mouth-breathing face today and we're all going to sleep in a shell made of roach motels after watching Pimp Mama Kris give birth to the Kardashians, so I figured that we've all been put through enough horrifying disgustingness for today and deserve a bouquet of kittens! Because even though the story below is some head shaking shit, it won't be that annoying when you've got a bouquet of young pussies to distract you for a second. Just don't tell me that the kitten in the middle is suffocating.

Outraged parents of America, organize your RiRi CD burning parties, because she's definitely riding on Chris Brown's skinny yard stick dick again. TMZ says that Chris went to RiRi's birthday party at the Hearst Mansion on Monday night and behaved like the ass bag that he is by making everybody sign a confidentiality agreement before he went inside. That party was obviously full of dumb bitches, because most of them signed an agreement stating that they will not tell the media that Chris was at RiRi's party. Once Chris' bodyguards collected all the signed agreements, the spoiled piece of shit went inside and spent most of the night getting on RiRi. Chris' rep says that he was at the party, but he only made the workers and people who took his picture sign the agreements.

There's also a rumor that Chris will sing on RiRi's Birthday Cake (Remix). I think an Ike & Tina cover would be more appropriate, but that's just me.

Chris Brown and RiRi hugging each other at her party after he made her guests sign some stupid shit is the reason why we can roll our eyes. Sometimes you just have to respond to a story with a lukewarm: whatthefuckever. Let's look at cake instead!

Yes, that is RiRi's actual cake. At first I thought it was Mousie from Mi Vida Loca riding a severed uncut dick or a piece of white dog shit. Then I figured out that it was RiRi riding a giant joint spliff. RiR's cake, please meet Cakewrecks. Leave it to RiRi to make a delicious joint spliff look like a visual dry heave. The pimple on my nipple looks more like RiRi that that shit on her cake does.

My 6-year-old self could've made a better cake in my sister's half-broken Easy Bake Oven and I was dumber then than I am now (or is it, I was smarter then than I am now?). RiRi's party sounds about as pleasant as sucking on a urinal cake. You've got RiRi and Chris making out in the corner and an ugly cake. Every single ho at the party could probably tell exactly how many tiles were on the ceiling, because that's what they stared at all night since it was the only safe place for their eyes to go.

The torture of RiRi's scalp continued the other day when she bleached whatever natural hair she has left and glued in pieces she ripped out of Beyonce's old discarded wig until she looked like a cross between Peg from Lady and the Tramp and a trampled over Goldie Hawn. I should love this mess since RiRi looks like a late 1970s hitchhiking hooker who's addicted to angel dust and old men who smell like motor oil, but this just looks like a wilting Tina Turner to me. It's like Tina Turner's "What's Love Got To Do With It?" hair got depressed and needs some Prozac. This is taking that Ike & Tina shit way too far.