Oh Rihanna. I usually love bad girls (see la Liz, Amy Winehouse and Kate Moss) but she makes it so very, very difficult. It's not the shitty music, or the titty baring outfits, or the seemingly low I.Q. It's that annoying habit she has of talking. You know, expressing herself.
So in this US Magazine article, they cover Vogue's November issue where they interview RiRi and here are just a few of the eloquent quotes that fluttered from her mouth like a delicate butterfly on a soft warm breeze. And because some of you may not speak butterfly, I took the liberty of translating for you.
"I would love to go on a date. You don't think that? I'm a woman. A young woman, vibrant, and I love to have fun. And I have too many vaginas around me at this point."
Translation: Chris Brown never takes me anywhere. And I'm tired of him and his friends all up in my house.
"No one asks. Trust me on that. I'm waiting for the man who's ballsy enough to deal with me. I'm going to wait, though. You always find the wrong shit when you go looking."
Translation: Chris never takes me anywhere. And he is all pencil frank and no beans.
About her re-kindling her friendship (read: they're totally fucking) with Chris after her infamous 2009 beat-down, she said:
"(fans are) not on the inside. They can't see what I see, unless they're sitting in my point of view. I guess I’ll learn to accept that."
Translation: You can't see what I see, because looking through black eyes makes things kinda blurry.
Like something out of the worst episode of Taxicab Confessions, a drunk Chris Brown mumbles in a video he tweeted to his followers that he's not trying to be a player or a dog and that he doesn't want to hurt anyone, but he's in love with both RiRi and Karrstablewatercrackers (or whatever her name is). If Chris Brown really didn't want to hurt them, he should down an Ambien and take a long nap on railroad tracks or have his fightin' limbs surgically replaced with extra plush teddy bears.
Never mind that Chris is looking like a tattooed Day of the Dead skeleton on meth, what gets me is that this isn't just some rambling video diary he recorded on his webcam at 4 in the morning. This took some production. They brought out storyboards, had meetings in conference rooms and spent time editing this mess. Professionals probably worked on this crap. Not once did the editor stop, realize what they were doing and then rolled their office chair out of the editing room and kept on rolling, rolling, rolling until they were out the exit door. This is some "True Life: I'm A Colossal Piece Of Trash" shit that'll make you roll backwards until you're far, far away.
And of course, RiRi piped in yesterday too:
Yes, it's nobody's bidness besides you, your baby and your 26 million Twitter followers. Ugh. Will somebody please take away this dumb dumb's medical marijuana card and give it to me?
I wish I was telling you this is a blurry picture of Isaac and Gopher from the Love Boat (or Emmanuel Lewis and Joyce DeWitt) confirming their love, but sadly that isn't so. This is The Difficult Brown and RiRi sitting to next to each other during Jay-Z's show at the Barclays Center in Brooklyn last night. Doesn't Jay-Z hate HATE hate Chris Brown or is that another lie Blue Ivy Carter told me? If Chris Brown is Jay-Z's 100th problem, then RiRi bringing him to the concert last night was a for real slap in the face. And yes, I know what I did there and I meant to do it.
While Jim Lehrer (who hypnotized me with his teddy bear eyes) tried to referee the shank fight between the leader of the Bloods and the leader of the Crips last night, Chris Brown and RiRi cuddled up next to Beyonce and Rita Ora in the VIP section of Jay-Z's show. Elliot Wilson of Rap Radar Instagram'd this picture that doctors will use on patients with Amblyopia to get them to roll their lazy eye back into place. Fist Brown also barfed up some statement to Hollywood Life confirming that he's no longer humping on Karcuchi Tran and RiRi is the reason why. That Karcuchi trick should breath a sigh of relief, because she dodged a fist.
Whatever. It's just like what my mom said to my 3rd grade teacher when she was told that I was failing math: Just let a dumb ho be a dumb ho! (Or like what the farmer said about the broken gardening tool in his shed.) If RiRi wants to trade in her dignity and self-respect for some climbing rope dick, let her. But can she please keep it out of club bathrooms, because the toilets want no part of that grossness.
Here's RiRi going to the airport after Jay-Z's show and a highly punchable Chris Brown derp derp derp-ing into his hotel.
A million years ago I walked into the bathroom of some goth club in L.A. and listened to (and saw) some drunk, stumbling mess in the first stall get the barfs from the butt and miss the toilet. I thought that was the most disgusting shit (punned on purpose) to ever happen in a club bathroom, but that mess was nothing compared to what happened in the bathroom of the NYC nightclub Griffin on Tuesday morning. Both Page Six and the NYDN say that in the bathroom of the Griffin, RiRi and Chris Brown got physical, only this time she didn't end up in the emergency room.
Some witness tells Page Six that RiRi showed up to the club after Fist Brown did and sat at a table near his. Fist Brown made his way to RiRi's table, lifted up his shirt and the two started freaking on each other and mouth fucking. You'd think that the bathroom would already be occupied by people barfing their souls out from watching those stupid bitches get gross on each other, but it wasn't, because RiRi and Fist Brown went in there together. When they came out of the bathroom, the witness says RiRi looked a little "ruffled." Fist Brown and his entourage of dick bags left at around 4 in the morning and RiRi followed five minutes later. Hollywood Life says that RiRi went back for more, because she was partying with Fist Brown at 1 Oak last night.
Sometimes dickmatization is a serious disease and will fuck you up in more ways than one. I'm trash, so I'm all for bathroom sex, but I'm not for having bathroom sex with a nasty ass wart who nearly punched your face into the next zip code. If RiRi is that adick-ded to Fist Brown, she should just stick a pool noodle on an angry beaver toy and ride that instead. It's the same thing and way more safe. Gross bitches, the both of them.
Speaking of addiction, I am addicted to House Hunters International and have probably seen every episode at least 5 times. Lately, they've been repeating this one episode from Brazil over and over again. So when I first read this story about Fist bending RiRi over a toilet, my first thought was this:
My thoughts exactly, Rafaella. And the same thought goes for the shit RiRi wore yesterday in NYC.
"It's not RiRi!" is what Fist Brown's rep said when everyone figured he passed the pinnacle of psychopathness by getting a trophy tattoo of RiRi's beaten face on his neck. Fist Brown said that his new neck tattoo isn't of RiRi, it's of a Day of the Dead skull. (So basically, it's a tattooed warning to his future girlfriends letting them know what will happen to them if they try to check his cell phone while he's driving.) Fist Brown got another ugly tattoo the other day and I'm sure this one also has nothing to do with RiRi even though he got it on the same place as her tribute to her Gran Gran tattoo. Coincidence!
Fist Brown got a tattoo of a fighter jet under his nipples, because in case we didn't know from him punching faces off and throwing chairs through windows, he's a fighter. But I think Fist Brown is trying to tell us something else with that tattoo, because that doesn't look like a fighter jet to me. It looks like a flying peen head crashing directly into a swollen anus. It's the most fitting tattoo he's ever gotten.
To honor her late Gran Gran Dolly, who took the escalator up to heaven this past July, RiRi spendt hours getting a gigantic tattoo under her chichis area of the Goddess Isis. Because nothing says "I love you forever" like an under titty tattoo that in 50 years will look like a mangy, tattered pigeon that was shot down by a pellet gun.
RiRi should've moved that tattoo up so the wings are over her chichis. That way when she jumped up and down, Goddess Isis would've looked like she's freely flying through the sky. Now THAT would be the ultimate homage to Gran Gran Dolly. RiRi posted the picture of her new tattoo on Instagram with his note:
Goddess Isis- Complete Woman - Model for future generations- #GRANGRANDOLLY - always in and on my heart #1love
RiRi does have the right idea. As soon as I save up enough Valium pills to deal with getting pricked in the face over and over again (and not in a sexy way), I'm going to honor my abuelita by getting the image of a flying chancla tattooed over my mouth.
And here's RiRi in London last night looking like Peaches from A Low Down Dirty Shame.
Seeing Chris Brown sitting in the front row at the VMAs with a smug look on his hemorrhoid with beaver teeth face made a shitty show even shittier. During the show, I kept waiting for fellow STUNT QUEENS RiRi and Chris Brown to pull another shameless stunt out of their asses by singing "Proud Mary" together o topn a Lamborghini. That didn't happen, but during the commercial break RiRi walked over to Glum Cunt Chris, hugged him, pecked him and then played a quick game of "Douche, Douche, Gross" by patting him on the head before sashaying away.
The Internet screamed last night about RiRi and Fist Brown kissing at the VMAs, so I expected to see a video of him punching her tonsils with his tongue. It was just a peck, but RiRi is still a dumbass. RiRi is really going to put her ear that close to the mouth of an untamed beast who nearly bit it off? If you can't love yourself, at least love your ears!
And let's keep the theme of GROSS going by looking at these pictures of some of the gross ghouls at last night's show. In order: Side Show Nicki, Deena and the rest of the Jersey Shore whores, Ke$hit and the butt baby of Kid Rock and KFed who goes by the name Riff Raff.
Tonight, you could've watched Gabby Giffords lead the Pledge of Allegiance at the DNC, or you could've watched RiRi earn a copyright infringement lawsuit from Cobra Commander by sitting on his throne at the MTV WhyInTheShitAmIWatchingThisMess Awards? I went with the latter and I would punish myself for that, but watching RiRi's piece of boring trash performance was punishment enough.
You know, we're always spitting shit at whores who lip-synch, but I wouldn't have done that to RiRi if she lip-synched tonight. Because when she sings live, bitch sounds like a lame goat with allergies giving birth through its ass while gargling with boric acid. The fact that she looked like a soggy, dirty tampon straight out of the 90's poon didn't help either. I totally sold that to you, I know. Press play!
On a positive note, I don't hate RiRi's weave-less hair. She has the same haircut this little Chinese girl in my 4th grade class got when her mom cut her bangs with pinking shears.
After what felt like years of promoting Oprah's EXCLUSIVO interview with RiRi, OWN finally aired the whole thing last night and a huge chunk of it was spent on talking about the shit-filled piece of trash who nearly punched her to death on a side street in Los Angeles. As the Mighty O hmmm-ed and hmmm-ed and hmmm-ed some more, RiRi said that Chris Brown was the love of her life and she has forgiven him for Ike Turner-ing her hard. RiRi said that in forgiving Fist Brown, she also forgave her father for beating up her mom when she was a kid. Shit got so real that it made me wonder where psychotherapist/talk show host Marilyn Kagan was when we really needed her, because RiRi should've been sitting on a therapist's couch and not Oprah's couch.
The "Rage of Fist Brown" section of Oprah's interview with RiRi was like something out of the script of a Lifetime movie starring Nancy McKeon. Here's a few quotes:
On what her relationship with Chris Brown is like now: "We've been working on our friendship again. Now we're very, very close friends. We've built a trust again and that's it. We love each other and we probably always will. That's not anything we're going to try to change. That's not something you can shut off if you've ever been in love."
On if they're humping on each other full-time: "No. He's in a relationship of his own. I'm single, but we have maintained a very close friendship ever since the restraining order has been dropped. We've just worked on it little by little and it has not been easy. It's not easy."
On seeing Chris Brown's ugly popped hemorrhoid face: "It's awkward, because I still love him. My stomach drops and I have to maintain this poker face and not let it get to the outer part of me. I have to maintain that and suppress it, but interpret it and understand it and understand that it's not going to go away. That is peaceful. When you don't understand those feelings, you can make a lot of mistakes."
On if Chris Brown is one of the loves of her life: "Absolutely, I think he was the love of my life. He was the first love and I see that he loved me the same way. We were very young and very spontaneous. We ran free. We ran wild. We were falling in love and going at a really rapid pace and we forgot about ourselves as individuals.
On how she wants Chris Brown to be happy: "I truly love him. The main thing for me is that he is at peace. You know, I'm not at peace if he's a little unhappy or if he's still lonely. I care. It actually matters that he finds that peace."
On forgiving Chris Brown: "I thought I hated Chris and I realized it was love that wash tarnished. It looked like hate, because it was ugly, angry and inflamed. It was tainted. And I realize that what it was, I had to forgive him, because I cared about him still. The minute I let go of that, I started living again."
"We have maintained a very close friendship ever since the restraining order has been dropped" is a line I hope I never EVER have to say to anyone including Oprah's ass, because DAMN. ("But Michael, don't you hope that one day you can say that after Anderson Cooper drops the restraining order he has out against you?" - you "Like that's ever going to happen." - me "Good point." - you)
It's nice that RiRi forgave Chris Brown and that her heart still poots out queefs of love in his name, but it's kind of hard to forgive a bitch who isn't sorry at all. If this was an interview between Oprah and Chris Brown and she asked him if he's sorry for what he did, the next thing we'd hear is Gayle King running up with an ice pack after he headbutted Oprah for getting into his life like that. And usually headbutting an interviewer means that the answer to their question is: NO.
And here's RiRi strolling through the airport in Tokyo the other day while looking like the member of a Midi, Maxi & Efti tribute band.
No one ever said that Friday the 13th brings good news. Well, at least you know that an adorable kitteh's "Can you warn me the next time you blow out an upwind queef?" face is the same as your "These bitches made how much?" face.
This is the point in your week when you curse at your 10-year-old self for not putting a melody to the entries you wrote in your Poochie Funtime Diary about cute boys, icky boys, beautiful princesses, fairytale kingdoms, Kanye West and heroin (that's what "White Horse" is really about, right?). The professional list makers at Forbes put together another one of their lists and this one lists the celebwhores under the age of 30 who filled their checking account with the most gold bars from May 2011 to May 2012. The list is 70% female (including The Lesbeaver), 30% Twatlight and depending on who you ask, it's 60% to 90% HUH? Here's the full list:
1. Taylor Squint, 22 - $57 million
2. The Lesbeaver, 18 - $55 million
3. RiRi, 24 - $53 million
4. Lady CaCa, 26 - $52 million
5. Katy Perry, 27 - $45 million
6. Adele, 24 - $35 million
7. Kristen Stewart, 22 - $34.5 million
8. Lil Wayne, 29 - $27 million
9. Taylor Lautner, 20 - $26.5 million
9. RPattz, 26 - $26.5 million
Never mind the other overpaid whores on the list, I can't fully hate on the Strawberry Shortcake character that is Taylor Swift for making more money than 1,400+ school teachers combined, because she made some of that money by shitting on John Mayer's depressed David Duke dick. Taylor gets points for that one.
Here's 3 of the 10 highest youngins being herpy and derpy at Comic-Con yesterday. With all that money, RPattz should be wearing something nicer than a shirt from Miller's Outpost circa 1989.