Rihanna

Jay-Z, Alien Princess RiRi of the Universe and Gay Fish joined forces for "Run This Town" and this is the video for it. Basically, it's just the three of them chanting in front of a mob of fire stick wielders in a post-apocalyptic world where wearing sunglasses you can't see through is all the rage.

The mob really doesn't need to carry weapons. Shit, they don't need to do anything! All RiRi has to do is yodel "Haaaaaaaaaaaaayyyy" over and over again and their enemies will eat each other's ears off to stop the madness. Seriously, after listening to that song once, RiRi's warbling made me want to stick a power strip in my ass and strap myself in a straitjacket.

And when can we expect a battle between "Run This Town" and Boogie Town? Yes, the mess below really is a trailer for a real movie. You decide which town you'd rather see become a site for missile testing. I'm torn.

VIA Videogum

I know you don't even see RiRi in this picture, because your eyes are firmly planted on the ravishing beauty in the middle. This goddess' beauty is so bright that RiRi has to put her shades on and look the other way. But RiRi should really face the brightness and take a good look, because this is how it's done.

Everything is perfect on this beauty from her "take me higher" eyebrows to her titty bib to the sparkly sperm (RPattz?) under her eyes. She's like Posh and Sporty Spice for the price of one. Ladies and gays, if you see this celestial being at a party, go ahead and leave, because you cannot compete!

To help you bring your heart rate back down from staring at perfection, I've added some more pictures of RiRi at her publicists' birthday party and also leaving Barney's earlier in the night.

RiRi beamed down on the London premiere of Inglorioues Basteards (or however you misspell that shit) today with several loads of pearl necklaces on her neck and what looks like man gel in her soft-serve 'do. I'm sensing a theme here.....

And is Xtina in London too, because RiRi looks like she's been hanging around her. One kiss on the cheek from Xtina and your face will look like it just went through a Wet 'n Wild tornado.

Here's a few other hos at tonight's premiere including Neve Campbell, Diane Kruger, QT and Loki's heartmate. Apparently, Brad Pitt didn't show up. Or maybe he got caught inside RiRi's hair when he tried to hug her?

Why am I expecting RiRi to jump out of a tree hollow with jazz hands flailing while cackling "Ehehehehe! Ehehehehehe! Eheheheeeee!" Girl, just dip your head in a bowl of Manic Panic (Shade: Pat Field) and finish the transformation into Woody Woodpecker already! Woody doesn't play, so he may sue your ass for copyright infringement, but hotness costs.

And RiRi is stronger than me, because my no-no would be slobbering all over that piping hot cup of sessiness in the background.

Try not to have a seizure due to shock, but Chris Brown will not go to jail for Ike Turnering Alien Princess RiRi. TMZ says that Chris struck a deal today. Every prisoner in every jail in L.A. is disappointed, because they were hoping to turn that ass out!

Chris must serve 180 consecutive days of hard labor in Virginia (where he lives). To Chris, hard labor is probably wiping his own ass or whoopin' a trick. But to the system, hard labor is picking up trash on the freeway. Be sure to honk if you see Chris in an orange jumpsuit!

On top of that, Chris will be on probation for 5 years for felony assault. If he violates his probation, he could go to prison for up to 4 years. That's a silver lining for you, prisoners of L.A.!

Chris was also ordered to stay away from RiRi and he must complete a domestic violence counseling program.

I wonder if they wrapped up this deal in fancy paper with a purdy bow on top, because this shit is a gift to Chris Brown.

Image: Johnny Louis/Wenn

At an event called the "NBA Finals" (hell if I know) in Orlando last night, Alien Princess RiRi of the Universe and Ike Turner Jr. reunited....sort of. Not really. They both showed up to the game, but sat at opposite ends of the court. There's a deep-meaning haiku in there somewhere.

According to hos who were there, RiRi and Chris Brown didn't pay any attention to each other. There were rumors that they were going to sit together, but none of that shit happened.

Now I know why RiRi has "cockatoo on growth hormones" hair. If Chris Brown gets near her, her hair can peck his eyes out or chip out one of his giant Chiclets. And could Chris look any crazier? With his shirt buttoned all the way up like that, he looks like a cross between Hannibal Lecter and Forrest Gump. Even his teefs look like they need to be strapped into a straitjacket.

When the unofficial version of The Lord of CAPS' "Paranoid" leaked last week, his tittays got all sweaty, because he was upset that the world was not seeing the real version of his masterpiece. Well, here it is now. Just the way God (Kanye) intended!

It's actually the same except for some floating words and Kanye West as a werewolf who is thirsty for tenheads. Speaking of, RiRi tries to bring out the raw emotion in this and comes out dry. Just the other night I was telling my friend that I would kick my own crotch bone to see Alien Princess RiRi in a one-woman remake of Purple Rain as The Kid, Morris and Apollonia. After watching her try to act in this, I am 100% sure that Purple Rain should be her next project! RiRi has the shitty acting skills needed to recreate the magic!

VIA Kanye's Blog

So it looks like Alien Princess RiRi of the Universe is no longer part of Ike & Tina 2.0, because the other day in NYC, she was spotted tongue fucking Aubrey Drake Graham of Degrassi: The Next Generation. Page Six says that the two were getting their intergalactic dry fuck on at Lucky Strike Lanes. The source said, "She was drinking whiskey and apple juice and making out with him all night. They were really cute together."

Whiskey and apple juice? What's that shit? I don't know whether to heave or salivate. I'm not so sure about that apple juice crap. It reminds me of the time that I thought Strawberry Quik and Bacardi would make a delicious combination. The barfs couldn't come quick enough. I think I'll stick to drinking my whiskey with soda, neat or on a peen.

RiRi will not be outdone by that low-budget trick Cassie! It was "Cassie's got her pierced tittays out" week, but now it's "RiRi's got her pierced alien balls out" week. Maybe. Some pictures claiming to be a totally nekkid RiRi have hit the interwebs. I don't know if they are fake or not, but what I want to know is why do these hos keep taking pictures of themselves with camera phones? Can't they do this shit with a real camera? Go pro or go home is what I say.

(NSFW) Click here to see RiRi in all her alien glory.

Alien Princess RiRi walked the ho stroll of NYC yesterday looking like she was peddling some ass with a side of peen to the highest bidder. I'm not even joking when I say that I've seen those exact thigh high leather pantywhores on a tranny prostitute down in Florida. Bitch is going to be pissed that RiRi jacked her style. Add Jane Child to that list too. Jane does not want to fall in love with RiRi's earring/necklace combo thing. That shit is a little too close to Jane's signature earring/nosering/necklace contraption. It's also begging to be YANKED.

Here's more of RiRi looking like Bobby Trendy in NYC yesterday afternoon. That night, she changed into an outfit she bought at The Last Dragon prop and costume auction.