Rihanna

When a tabloid has a story that they know will fill your brain fissures with barf and cause your genitals to shrivel into a wrinkly mound of shivering sadness, they should at least have some human decency and release that story on a Friday so you have the entire weekend to recuperate. But Life & Style hates all of our asses, because they didn't do that. Today, they put out a cover story about how Justin Bieber cheated on Selena Gomez with RiRi. Did I really need the image of a baby beaver trying to mount a stallion with a Ronald McDonald weave? Did I need that today?!

Some source says that Selena recently found out that during the early days of her relationship with Justin Bieber, he cheated on her by wet humping on RiRi. Selena and Justin became the Portia and Ellen of the kindergarten set in 2010, and in 2011 he allegedly bumped nipples with RiRi. The source said, “It really cut like a knife because it happened in February of 2011, when Selena and Justin had been dating for months and were falling in love. It’s caused Selena to question their entire relationship. Selena thinks maybe they’ve been hooking up all along."

In February of 2011, the Lesbeaver was 16 and RiRi had just turned 23.

The source also says that during the taping for the Victoria's Secret show, the Biebs and RiRi constantly went to a nearby hotel together and their security blocked anyone and everyone from going on their floor.

Biebs' rep denies all of this to Gossip Cop.

I refuse to believe any of this. It's hilarious, it's terrifying and it's physically impossible. Like RiRi would really mess with Justin Bieber and like Justin Bieber could really handle RiRi. RiRi is just too much for the Biebs and she's probably rode dicks bigger than him. How can he go from humping a stuffed animal on his bottom bunk to taking on RiRi? RiRi's pussy would swallow him whole, chew on him a bit and spit him out. Justin would be wandering the streets while mumbling to himself, "The things I've seen, man, the things I've seen."

RiRi was in Barbados a couple of days ago, but I guess that wasn't getting her enough attention, so she flew to L.A. to be a dumb whore with fellow dumb whore Chris Brown at the Lakers vs. Knicks game at the Staples Center. These STUNT QUEEN ass bitches... My thoughts and prayers are with the poor whores who waited a million hours at the concession stand to buy a foot long hot dog, were all excited about swallowing it and then lost their appetite when they sat down and watched RiRi slobber all over Fist Brown's foot long. RiRi and Chris Brown ruined a whole lot of Christmases last night.

Chronic dickmatization is a real thing when RiRi is still getting horny over a nasty motherfucker who looks like a zombi Sisquo. Chris Brown's  outside now matches his inside: dead as shit. Douchebag looks like he should be hooked up to an IV drip full of Ensure. As my favorite philosopher Khia would say, "He looks like he got dat thunda lightning."

And RiRi just had to act all EXTRA for the cameras. Why couldn't a basketball go rogue and hit Fist Brown in the face? Fuck you, basketball for not doing that.

Oh, RiRi, I can't quite see your bits. SLUT FAIL. This is a picture Rhianna tweeted of herself on her weekend in Barbados.

TMZ has more pics, and you can check them out. The point is that RiRi is more fabulous and has less class than the rest of us!! Thank you RiRi, for both your love of being half nekkid and your dedication to making me feel like a true lady in comparison. It takes a lot to upstage me, and I bow low in your slutty wake.

So today, my mom got onto me for being all about Dlisted and not about my kids at Christmastime. Looking at these pics of RiRi, I don't feel so bad. Sorry Mom. And sorry kids, you will have to deal with EVERYTHING YOU WANTED PLUS SOME on Christmas morning. But at least I don't have my ass hanging out for the world to see. You're welcome, kids.

Try not to hate as you try and fail to reenact this glorious moment for your S.O. Leg zit sold separately.

It's really nobody's bidneh, which is why RiRi Instagram'd this picture from the STUNT QUEEN Hall of Shame to millions of her Twitter followers last night. Surprisingly, RiRi's diaper-covered ass isn't the biggest ass in this picture. The piece of trash she's hugging gets that title. Grand Master Troll RiRi has let it be known that she's taking a spin on Chris Brown's round bolster pillow dick again and last night she went all the way by posting this picture with the caption: " i dont wanna leave!!! Killed it tonight baby!!!." Oh, doesn't it seem like yesterday when he almost killed you, baby, and now you're getting one of your assistants to take this mess of a picture using the attention whore filter.

Even The Difficult Brown looks like he's over it. He looks like a bratty ass child with early-onset alopecia who's embarrassed by his mom hugging him in front of his classmates. Whatever, my only advice to RiRi is to take out her contacts before Fist Brown shits on her retina. One rain drop and just a little wind will completely mess up my contact, so I can only imagine what a Fist Brown dookie will do to it.

via Vulture

Right after RiRi finished the last show on her Skanks On A Plane Tour 2012, she jumped back on a jet to see her "lover" in Berlin and yes, that lover's name starts with a Fist and ends with a Brown. In one tweet, RiRi let all of her millions of followers know that she was flying across a damn ocean to jump on a pool noodle dick belonging to a corroded asshole who almost killed her:

All alone in my big ole jet!!! See u soon lover http://instagr.am/p/SSSLqshM4a/

 During Thanksgiving dinner last night, I almost heaved chunks of corn pudding up when my little cousin just had to say that the fatty turkey skin looked like the scabs on his legs. That heave has come back to me thanks to RiRi's tweet. The Difficult Brown's dick must have cast a serious black magic spell on DiaRiRi's poon, because she's suffering from stage 4 dickmatization. Chris Brown is looking like a Sméagol crackhead and RiRi still wants to jump on that. And I'm so glad I got through this post without making a joke about how Fist Brown stuffed RiRi's turkey hole on Thanksgiving. That would've ruined my leftove... Oh, wait. Dammit!

RiRi's Skanks On A Plane tour has finally stopped terrorizing the skies and Hazmat and Delta's clean-up crew joined forces to scrape every layer of Barbarian flu loogies from off the floor, but as thorough as they were they forgot to dump one big bag of trash. And here's that one big Hefty bag of trash promoting her new album at Best Buy in NYC last night.

I know RiRi's style is so ahead of everything and is way too forward for any of us non-fashionable peons to understand, but this is a new level of fucking ugly. This baggy disaster of an outfit looks like Justin Bieber's pajamas. (They're extra easy to clean just in case Bieber has a middle-of-the-night accident.) If RiRi's leather shirt was white cotton and her baggy shorts were denim, that shit would look exactly like KFed's favorite eatin' outfit. Actually, if KFed knocked up a Hefty trash bag (which you know he can), this is what their trash bag love child would look like. A mess.

Five days ago, 250 fans and media people got on a Boeing 777 for a 7-day journey to see the wailing 7-head perform 7 shows in 7 cities and now they're all 7 seconds away from completely losing their minds 7 different ways.

It all started in Los Angeles last Wednesday and they all thought it was going to be a non-stop party, because a few minutes into the flight from L.A. to Mexico City, RiRi came through the aisles with free bottles of champagne. RiRi posed for pictures, poured them the carbonated sweet nectar and promised they were going to party their dicks off. From Mexico City they flew to Toronto and then Stockholm, and by the time they left Sweden for Paris, they were all pretty much over it. They're permanently jet-lagged, they never see RiRi and she starts her shows almost 2 hours late every night.  Julianne Smolinski at Popdust put it like this:

For those of you who don’t understand why being on a plane with Rihanna for five days might not be so bad:

1) Okay, you have a point. We’re very lucky to be here and to have jobs to do. Just being employed and invited to hear music and eat free sandwiches for a week is a privilege, and I think most of the fans and journalists aboard felt that way for the first part of the trip.

2) That being said … Picture the last time you were delayed at an airport for several hours. Now picture that happening several times in one day, with no ability to make calls, text, or use the internet. Sometimes you aren’t sure of the next time you’ll be able to use a bathroom, get water, or eat. Now picture that happening for five days in a row, all while you’re supposed to be doing your job remotely. Now picture that, with a steady soundtrack of European house music.

3) Also picture that Rihanna is supposed to be on your plane, and she is barely present until she shows up on stage, hours late.

In other words: BITCHES ARE GOING CRAZY!

I bet that plane smells like armpit butter, old meat, curdled milk, dirty tampons, whiskey-infused barf and seven kinds of dick cheese. So basically it smells like RiRi's perfume and the stankness is making them all mad. In the video above, an Australian shock jock runs naked as they all chant while flying from Berlin to London. Fuse's Jason Newman said they were all declaring mutiny against RiRi.

They still have to get through RiRi's show in London tonight and then they fly to their last city NYC tomorrow morning. I'm thinking that somewhere between London and NYC, a few journalists will be eaten and then they'll take RiRi hostage and threaten to smoke all her weed unless they land the plane in the nearest city with a working shower and WiFi.

Or their plane will have to make an emergency crash landing on a deserted island and they'll be stuck with RiRi forever!

If you need more laughs from this nightmare of a sky trip, spend some time with #rihannaplane on Twitter. It's a mess. And here's RiRi at her show in Berlin, at the airport in Germany and in London this morning.

Well, here's something that'll make Michael Jackson do the lay down moonwalk (I don't know what is either) in his grave. RiRi and The Difficult Brown crapped out a duet called "Nobody's Bidness" for her new album "Unapologetic" and they just had to drag Michael Jackson into this mess by sampling "The Way You Make Me Feel." Bubble better shit in a box and FedEx it to Fist Brown and RiRi for doing this to his best friend.

RiRi and Fist Brown have a point. It really ain't nobody's business.....except for the police, the emergency room nurses, lawyers, judges, anger management counselors, Diane Sawyer, Oprah, their Twitter followers and the millions of people who will listen to this song. But for the zero of you not included in that list, it's none of YOUR business.

This song sounds like something Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown turned down before they went with "Something in Common." Because this world is a shit place, I'm sure it will be a hit and I'm sure Hope Solo and the dude who allegedly whooped her ass danced to this song at their wedding. That's romance.

RiRi can't go through a photo shoot without the photographer, assistants, stylists, the dude who keeps the chips bowl full and everybody else in the studio getting two eye fulls of her titty knobs. Just like the dude who lived across from me when I lived in the East Village a few years ago, bitch always to have her titties out. (Side note: You haven't lived in NYC until you've looked out your living room window and watched a fat, hairy white dude sing out loud while cooking. Fuck city views, I want singing bear views.)

And Kate Moss is just like RiRi, she's gotta make sure everybody has seen her boobs more than they've seen their own. So when V Magazine (via Fashionista) put Kate and RiRi in a shoot together, of course they brought their chichis out and took turns whipping each other like a straight dude's dream version of a lesbian Fifty Shades of Grey (Fifty Shades of Flannel?). Speaking of dreams, this is also a coke dealer's idea of the perfect threesome. I'm sure that the carbon monoxide detector in the studio started screaming, because it smelled chemical gas wafting out of RiRi and Kate Moss' noses and it went off just to be safe.

And here's RiRi's video for that Diamonds song. Bitch is running from cars, rubbing on some white Chris Brown arm, staring at the Northern Lights and cutting up her lungs by trying to smoke rhinestones.

Well, I liked the part with the horse...

At one of my high school pep rallies, the dance team entertained us students by doing a hump dance against a folding chair to Silk's "Freak Me Baby" while wearing bodysuits. Now that's wholesome and educational entertainment! But those wholesome days are gone, because nowadays little teen bitches are entertaining the students by re-enacting Chris Brown beating RiRi and they're doing it in BLACK FACE. Stop the world, I want to throw these bitches off. Where the HELL was Nell Carter when the students of Waverly High School needed her?

A student at Waverly High School in Waverly, NY posted this picture on Facebook of three students earning a PhD in Bad Decision Making by doing a Fist Brown-RiRi skit in blackface. CNN iReport says this was all approved by the administration. How the hell did that happen? "So, the principal is going to open with a speech on the importance of recycling, the school band will perform 'Call Me Maybe,' three students in blackface will beat other and then if we have time our flying cheer team will re-enact 9/11 before a James Holmes look-alike will end the assembly by shooting blanks into the air."

One Waverly High School alumnus who was at the pep rally said that parents and teachers were also there and nobody did anything. A lot of students even laughed so the devil didn't have to. This isn't the first time Waverly High School brought the blackface foolery in full force. Last year, one student painted himself in blackface to play Tiger Woods in a skit. The alumnus said this:

"I think it's unconscionable that such blatant racism has been tacitly approved two years in a row. The administration should be creating an environment where minorities are welcome, not the butts of racist jokes that make light of domestic violence."

The superintendent of the school district said that they are investigating that mess after getting dozens of complaints:

"The Waverly School District is committed to creating a positive atmosphere through our activities. I will be working with our building administrators, our staff and our students to examine our current activities and develop future activities consistent with our commitment. Ultimately, our administrators are going to need to meet with the whole student body to set clear expectations for our behavior and the impact it has on all people."

The superintendent went on to say, "...and then we're going to reprimand the three students involved in this skit, because Chris Brown never beat Rihanna with an umbrella and Rihanna doesn't suffer from Vitiligo. That's just lazy blackfacing." 

And the Weather Channel is reporting that the Southwest part of America is experiencing gusty winds, because everybody in Florida just breathed out a sigh of relief over this fuckery not happening in Florida.