Rihanna

At yesterday's Chanel show in Paris, Jehovah's sexiest witness, Prince, strolled in wearing your grandma's Sunday church suit and carrying your pimp's weekday cane. BOW DOWN! Shortly after, RiRi strolled in wearing Prince's HAIR. Oh, how I would have loved to be a fly in Karl Lagerfeld's rice noodle ponytail so that I could witness Prince throwing shade at RiRi for taking his look! When doves cry, it's because Prince stared them down.

And where can I get an application to be Prince's hand-holder, because that is the job to have.

Normally, I have to take an Excedrin and down an entire Red Bull to try to understand RiRi's fashion choices, but she is finally speaking my language here. The language of Slutanese. RiRi kept it demure in a peek-a-boo dress while making her way to a fashion show in Paris yesterday.

Women and men should always wear outfits that allow your nippes and/or genitals to make a cameo appearance. Ladies, sometimes your labia lips want to pop out and wave to the public. Give them that option. It's their right! Don't keep your labia down!

Justin Timberlake should stop accepting rides in Chris Brown's Lamborghini, and Alien Princess RiRi should keep Betty Ross at her side at all times, because She-Hulk Biel and Ike Turner II won't be happy when they see Star Magazine's cover.

According to Star, Justin started scooting his ass lips on RiRi's infintiyhead of wonder at an after-party for the VMAs a couple of weeks ago. RiRi must not have minded that Justin sounds like Minnie Mouse screaming when he orgasms, because they have been texting and talking ever since. But before RiRi takes Justin to her home planet, she wants to make sure that his gay relationship with Jessica Biel is over. A source said, “She asked him on the phone, ‘Are you still with Jessica?’ And he hinted that things were cooling off between them.”

The source went on to say that Jessica found out that Justin and RiRi bumped taints and is "a wreck" because of it.

You know, it might be the apple I just ate (healthy food fucks me up) talking, but I actually think RiRi and Justin make a hot couple. They kind of make sense to me.

And Jessica Biel really deserves better. She deserves a man who won't scream like a toddler when she accidentally breaks his boner during a handjob. Or won't cry a million tears when she beats his no-no with her 9-incher. Seriously, Jessica, get yourself a real bitch who can take it! When Khloe Kardashian's fake marriage blows up, Jessica should definitely give her a ring.

RiRi has yet to take a black Sharpie to that peroxide disaster on top of her head. I've already put in a call to poison control to let them know that RiRi's hair might be suffering from a major Clorox overdose. In the meantime, let's talk about that shit shirt......

Unless RiRi is heading to a parking lot party outside of a Nascar race where she plans to down Old Milwaukee from a beer bong while rocking out to Warrant, that shit is not cute. I mean, does she think she's Jessie from Big Brother?! To think, that ensemble would have been extremely classy and elegant if she simply dumped that shirt in the garbage disposal and walked around in her satin bra. Sigh.

Before she leaves her spaceship, Alien Princess RiRi of the Universe needs to stand in front of a mirror and remove at least two items from her ensemble. In this case, she should've threw that hair in the recycle bin, because it looks like me circa 1989 after a horrific battle with a Sun-In bottle. SPOILER ALERT: I lost majorly.

Seriously, this just confirms that Sun-In is made from the saliva of SATAN! That bottle with the smiley blonde haired chick on it lures you in with the promise of sun-kissed streaks, but you end up looking like you've got Tony the Tiger's mangy butt hairs on your head. DARK-SIDED!

And I'm pretty sure that you're only allowed to wear purple lipstick if you're a former or current member of The Misfits. I think that's an actual law.

Alien Princess RiRi stepped out in the streets of NYC looking like...well...like she was working the streets of NYC in one of Vanity's old outfits.

Don't laugh at this ho, because you know you were wearing the exact same thing this morning as you did the walk of pride (formerly the walk of shame) from your fuck friend's house. And you weren't fooling anyone by trying to make your ensemble look less slutty with your trick's white shirt over it. Because nothing says "my coochie smells like sex" like a men's white butt-down shirt over a bustier. Hotness.

While Chris Brown was having a gay ole' time picking up trash in Virginia, Alien Princess RiRi of the Universe was out in NYC looking like the trailer park tramp who won the lottery and blew the cash on gold-plated joo-ree, a hoodie vest made out of pubic hair and a nipple ring.

We're all acquaintances with RiRi's nipple hoop, but it just popped out yesterday to say hi. It's timing was perfect. Nothing says "I'm not even thinking about my lady beating ex pulling out weeds" like flashing your decorated breast rod.

Okay, that was a dumb question. Of course, Alien Princess RiRi can see through those things thanks to her intergalactic powers. However, if one of us peons put those lifeblockers on the only thing we'd be able to see clearly is how much of an asshole we look like.

For serious! My ass would be stumbling all over the place like a drunk Lohan during a game of "Pin the Tail on the Donkey." I'd be falling on bitches, pissing in the punch bowl thinking it was the toilet, grabbing crotches on accident and snatching other people's drinks out of their hands. Hmm...that doesn't sound so bad actually. Those glasses will may you look like a total fool, but at least you'll have an excuse for being able to do whatever the hell you want! Be right back, I'm going to go make my own using spray paint and tiny egg crates.

Here's more of RiRi wearing Grace Jones' pajamas and sleeping mask at Fashion Night Out in NYC last night.

No, no, no, no, no....I'm not talking about the artist currently known as RiRi. I'm talking about the glittery gold goddess behind her! Homegirl is like a sexier, fresher, hotter version of Brooke Hogan! You know, if Brooke Hogan took her estrogen pills every day the way she's supposed to! The gold goddess is getting it. Even RiRi had to put on her sunglasses, because her eyes couldn't take the sunshiney rays beaming off of the gold beauty.

Here's Alien Princess RiRi with her little brother and the gold goddess outside of The Lion King on Broadway last night. RiRi styled her hair like Zazu just for the occasion. And apparently, the paps told RiRi about DJ AM's death, so that why she looks so shocked. Yes, the paps are the new Twitter.

Chris Brown was officially sentenced today in Los Angeles for beating on Princess RiRi. I feel like he's already been sentenced a zillion times, but this time it's for real. Chris Brown was slapped with 5 years probation, a year of domestic abuse classes and he must complete 1,400 hours of community service.

Chris' community service will consist of cleaning graffiti and washing cars in his home state of Virginia. So if you live in Virginia, get your car raunchy dirty (you know how to do it), drive over to Chris' car wash and tell him you want to be able to eat a five-course meal off your bumper. Scream at him that you want him to wax that shit so clean that you can lick cheese sauce off of it without tasting even a hint of dirt. Yes, I know he's not cleaning regular cars, but let me have my fun.

The judge also said that Chris must keep at least 100 yards away from RiRi. If they are at the same industry event, he has to stay 10 yards away. He isn't allowed to e-mail, text or call her on the phone. The judge also gave a side-eye and said, "I'm not immune to any chatter on the airwaves. Do you understand, Mr. Brown, that any violation of this order is a violation of your probation and it comes with the possible penalty of prison?" Chris answered "Yes." So I guess that song he was planning called "PLEASE RIRI TAKE ME BACK, MY CAREER DEPENDS ON IT" is out of the question?

RiRi had asked the court to cancel the stay-away-order, but the decision was not hers.

And while Chris Brown was getting sentenced in L.A, RiRi was in NYC wearing an ensemble that I will file under "What the hell kind of GD outfit is this?!" Those pants should've never been allowed to leave the 90s.