Denise Richards

Denise Richards was on Howard Stern's Sirius show yesterday and he asked her the obligatory question: "Are your breasts real?" This ho was married to Charlie Sheen. Charlie won't fuck with a trick unless she's got silicone marinating in her chesticle area. The truest thing you'll hear all hour.

Denise admitted to Howard that her buh-bees had been touched by a surgeon's knife three times. Once, twice, three time fake titties....

Denise said, "Um, natural on outside, on the inside they are not. I was 19, and my roommate had the best boobs ever, and she had just had hers done. I was flat as a board, and I thought, 'Whoa, you can just buy them,' and stupidly had them done!" Denise thought her new leased chichis were too big, so she went under again to get them downsized, "The next guy put bigger ones in, and it was not good -- they were a D!"

She went in a third time and now she's happy, "I was young and should have researched better. You know, it was a big mistake. Young girls, don't do it!"

Okay, I know Denise isn't the biggest anal bead on the string (that wasn't supposed to make sense), but what the hell kind of GD garage plastic surgeon did she go to the second time?! She wanted smaller, but he gave her bigger?! Did he inject crystal soil jelly from the swap meet into her chichis too?!

I'm also going to take a wild guess when I say that Denise's second booby surgeon is probably her current make-up artist and hairdresser. Here's everyone's favorite former pussy merchant out in NYC yesterday looking like Miss Piggy working the child beauty pageant circuit after a crash diet. This is not the look.

I'm sure that title alone made your ears curl up into your head where they are shaking and waiting for the coast to clear. It's really as awful as it sounds. This kills SOULS. This kills BONERS. This kills EVERYTHING.

At a Chicago Cubs game today, some hateful bitch gave Denise Richards a microphone so she could screech "Take Me Out To The Ballgame." The grass died, hundreds of birds committed mass suicide, clouds exploded, children turned into dust and Denise kept on going.

If two cats in heat every wake you up in the middle of the night, just play this for them and it will instantly turn each of them into THIS.

(Thanks Cara)

Scratch that. Denise Richards probably has a camera crew on staff. I just hope they get a nice big close-up on her face when she finds out about the news that Charlie Sheen and his wifey are expecting twins. Brooke's mother confirms to People that they are going to have twin prostitute tranny babies in April!

Brooke's mommy, Moira Fiore, said, “Obviously, I am floating on air.” Um...it's probably because of that fifth martini you had at lunch, Moira. Slow it down.

Moira went on to say, "Brooke has had all day morning sickness but is coming to the end of the first trimester so she hopefully will feel better soon. It has been rough for her."

Moire thinks they are having twin boys, but she isn't completely sure. Yeah, that fifth martini is fogging up her memory.

Charlie and Brooke are so predictably boooooring. Twins?! That's the best they could do? Everyone in Hollywood is having twins. It's time to step it up to triplets or at least conjoined twins.

As for possible names, I'm thinking Dennis and Richard.

The most patient pepaw on reality TV is coming back. Yes, that means his slutty robot daughter, Denise Richards, is also joining him. Denise told UsWeekly that her reality shit show "I'm Constipated" has been renewed for a second season. Yay! Another season of baby whorin' and pig pimpin'!

Denise said: "It's coming back for another season. We start filming in a few months."

She also confirmed that Irv is the real star of the show. "He was driving home on the freeway and a group of girls had him roll down his window and they yelled, 'I love your show!"

That's right. HIS show. Irv is just nice enough to let Denise have a supporting role in it.

Of course, Denise also used the time with UsWeekly, to comment on not commenting about Charlie, his knocked up wife. She said: "I am not commenting on that situation. I hope one day get to a place but I'm not commenting right now."

In case you missed that, she's not commenting. She's not. You know that little c-word was dancing around her tongue, just waiting to pop out. She soooo wanted to blurt, "They're both CUNTS and they're baby is going to be a prostitute tranny!" Hey, she's the one who said it....under her breath. Not me. And it's always bothered me that Denise says "prostitute tranny" instead of "tranny prostitute."

Rant time! I can't stand it when bitches carry their dogs around like this. Yes, I know dogs like licking each other's brown eyes in public, but that doesn't mean they want to show the goods all the time! That poor poochie doesn't appreciate Denise Richards showing off his beef bayonet to all the photographers. There's shame in his eyes. Just because Denise loves to show off her genitals to anyone and everyone, doesn't mean her dog friend does! Rant over.

Yesterday, it was all over the internets that Denise's reality show "I'm Constipated" got cancelled due to toilet bowl ratings. According to E!, the show hasn't been chopped...yet. They issued this statement to OK!: "The show has not been cancelled--The series has performed well for the network and decisions are still being made regarding a second season."

YES! This means more of Irv Richards! I'm still waiting for the episode where Irv sits Denise down, puts his hand on her thigh and gently breaks the news to her that she's a total cunt.

And I think what E! really meant to say was, "It's done, but we haven't told the crazy bitch yet."

This is going to come as a shock to absolutely no one! Denise Richards' reality caca show "I'm Constipated" has been sent to the glue factory. It's been rumored for a while now that the show was facing cancellation because the ratings were in the sewer. I guess not many people were into watching a hooker robot try and find a fuck buddy for her pet pig. "Pet pig" is not a code word for her vagina. Just clearing that up.

A source confirmed to The Insider (via NY Post), "The numbers started out pretty good - just over 1.5 million tuned in for the premiere episode. But the audience has dropped off. "

Denise can now spend her time stalking Charlie Sheen's new fetus.

I am going to miss Irv Richards. He's the pepaw I never had! I'm sure we'll meet again when Denise finds another way to whore out her family.

Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller are expecting their first baby together. You hear that? It's Denise Richards' screaming "Charlie Sheen's baby batter belongs to me!!!" Ugh. Writing that made my eyeballs fart.

It's true. Charlie and his wife of 4 months found out she was knocked up on Friday. They already issued this statement to People: "Ahahaha! We're pregnant and Denise isn't!" No. They said: "Brooke and I are thrilled! She's the best stepmom Sam, Lola and Cassandra could ever hope for. Seeing her love and affection with those three, I know she'll be an amazing mom. Unless I bat 100 percent, perhaps a boy awaits us."

Denise once said that Charlie had "prostitute tranny infested sperm." Does this mean Brooke is going to pop out a tranny prostitot?! Pray for tranny prostitot because Denise is going to makes its life a living hell.

And I can't wait for Denise's response. I hope she fucking claims the baby really belongs to her and Brooke stole her fetus! I wouldn't put it past her.

Yes, I know Irv Richards is wearing his celly on his waistband. He's the only one allowed. He needs his hands free at all times to slap Denise Richards in the mouth if need be.

Irv has become the breakout star of Denise Richards' reality show "I'm Constipated." That's why they should give him his own show since Denise's show is facing cancellation. Star Magazine claims that the show will probably not see a second season due to shitty numbers.

A source said, "The numbers started out pretty good -- just over 1.5 million tuned into the premiere episode. But the audience has dropped off. Denise has turned into an unappealing reality star." This is Denise Richards we're talking about. She's about as pleasant as a salad tossing from a cactus.

The source went on to say that viewers complained when Denise used the "cunt" word. "Viewers were disgusted that a mother of two young girls would use such foul language." That's funny, because that's when I got on the Denise slutwagon. She brought the word "cunt" back into my life. I try and use it as much as possible now. I don't even know my dog's anymore. I just say, "Come here, Cunt." I'm joking! Put down the phone to Peta. You know how they are.

Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen were back in court last week after Denise accused Charlie of some fucked up shit. Denise presented a video to the court of her daughters, Sam and Lola, acting "strangely." Strangely? Were they showing affection towards her because that would be strange.

Basically, Denise was trying to say that she thinks Charlie molested their daughters. Charlie and his lawyers immediately denied that shit and showed video of the girls acting normal around him.

A source told Page Six that Denise only dragged Charlie into court because her reality show is tanking and she's desperate to come up with exciting shit, "She thinks a court battle would be good for ratings so she wants all overnight visits with the girls ceased, and monitored visits with her nanny. She invited the media circus to the hearing and even wanted reporters in the judge's chambers - which wasn't allowed. It's ridiculous." She's accusing Charlie of child touching the girls in order to save her reality show? Denise needs to come and talk to me! That's not the way to get ratings. If she wants ratings, she needs Heather Locklear! Ha! Well, Heather saved "Melrose Place." Nothing can save a sinking reality show faster than a good-old fashioned catfight.

Charlie is planning to sue her for defamation and fight her for full custody of the girls.

It's getting ugly. Uglier than that thing on Charlie's head. At this point, I think the court should do what's best for the girls and immediately hand them over to a pack of wolves.

Robot Call Girl told InTouch Weekly that her daughters, ages 3 and 4, are currently in therapy because of her messy divorce to Prostitute Tranny Infested Sperm. She said, “My kids are in therapy. It’s very sad that they need to be there, but they do for now. On the other hand, it’s good they have an outlet to deal with their feelings and someone who is just their advocate.”

No, it's really sad that she's telling their business to InTouch! She claims she's speaking out to help other parents, “If I can help anyone feel better about their kids being in therapy — then something else good has come of this, too." Irv Richards needs to come and get his daughter and take her out for a colonic because she's full of shit! I mean, she is constipated.

Thanks to their lube-for-brains parents, Sam and Lola will need therapy for the rest of their lives. They aren't the only ones that need help, Denise and Charlie should both sit on the shrink's couch. Better yet, they should be locked up in the looney bin.