CORRECTION: That headline is factually wrong, because Posh can't physically give a shit. Posh had her entire digestive system removed, because it's not like she uses it anyway and it was getting in the way of her having a waist smaller than a grasshopper's peen shaft. So I should've wrote: Posh Could Give A Queef.
So, Scary Spice, Sporty Spice, Ginger Spice, Baby Spice and Tall Olsen Spice all gathered in front of the steps where they zig-a-zig-ah-ed in the Wannabe video 16 years ago to officially announce the Spice Girls musical. The musical will start with Scary, Sporty, Ginger and Baby discovering a miserable alien in a crashed asteroid and molding her into the Dark Crystal praying mantis she is today. Jennifer Saunders (that's Edina Monsoon to you and me) wrote the musical's book and Judy Craymer (the one in the pictures below who looks like an Asian Ellen Barkin) is producing it. Viva Forever! will open at the Piccadilly Theater in London's West End this December.
Here's Scary, Sporty, Ginger and Baby being all excited about getting a check while trying to ignore the luxury-wrapped skinny black cloud of poutiness next to them:
Oh, Posh, please forever remain that angst-ridden Emo goth teen who ruins Christmas by looking as miserable as possible while sitting at the dinner table. Seriously, I kept waiting for Posh to pull out a razor and start cutting herself while reciting Morrissey lyrics.
Posh Spice is eating for one, Baby's having a baby, and now Scary Spice has announced that she has also caught fetus fever. SPICE UP YOUR OVARIES! The state of Sporty and Ginger's uterus is unknown at this time, but I have a feeling it won't be long for tiny hands to slap a DO NOT DISTURB sign over their wombs. When they signed their souls over to Simon Fuller, the fine print on their contract stated that they must birth heirs to the Spice Girls throne at the same time. Having seen the Spice Girls in concert, I can say with confidence that the Spice Babies will probably be better at lip-synching than their predecessors.
Scary Spice used Hello Magazine (via The Sun) to announce that she and her husband of 3.5 years Stephen Belafonte (no relation to Shari) will have a brand new baby friend in their arms this summer. Scary already has a 12-year-old daughter named Phoenix Chi and a three-year-old daughter with Eddie Murphy named Angel Iris. This will be her first with Stephen and she's under the sun about it!
"We're really excited. We wouldn't have planned and waited for four yours to have a baby if we weren't really excited about it and ready for it. Even though you can never really be truly ready.
I haven't fully decided if I want to know (the sex of the baby) or not. I'm over the first trimester, so I'm past the shady three months and on to safe territory. The first three months, I was pretty sick and tired, to be honest, which I've never been before. I'm always broody. Hopefully, I'm going to be pregnant by the end of this year, or, if not, next year. I love kids."
My favorite part of this news is the comments it has produced over at The Sun. Some people can't believe that Scary is going to have three kids with three different fathers (example: "Having 3 kids by 3 different fathers is nothing to be proud of, love")!!!!!! The hell are they throwing shade at? Of course this is something to be proud of! It means that Scary has equal opportunity ovaries and an International womb house of fetuses in her body. That is something to be proud of, love.
Besides, just think of the baby names Scary will come up with. She's already got a Phoenix Chi and an Angel Iris, so I'm thinking she's going to go with either Tuscon Tai Latte or Buffy Pupil.
Scary Spice not only has the abs of Jada Pinkett Smith (who also has the abs of the child bodybuilder), but she has a hongray vagina like her too. And just like Jada, she wants the entire world to know about it.
Scary, who is the host of Dance Your Ass Off, told George Lopez last night that she regularly fucks her pussy off. Then she slaps it back on and fucks some more until her husband starts cumming air or until the Crisco tin runs dry.
When George asked Scary what her fitness secret is, she answered, "Your fitness secret...is that you fancy a shag...that you have sex five times a day with your husband. Well today was a busy day, so it was just three. Me and my husband, we're the same age, he is my best friend and I guess we're both just perverts with each other."
Sure, doing serious sexy times does make you sweat like White Oprah in a Carvel, and sometimes your dude might poke in the wrong spot which makes your stomach crunch (that counts as a sit-up), but Jane Fonda will tell you it doesn't count as exercise! Besides, whatever calories I lose from doing that shit comes back in droves afterwards. As soon the jizz hits the wall (depending on their aim), I'm immediately craving a wet nap and anything fried. Some bitches like to cuddle with their fuck partner, I like to cuddle with a two-piece and a buttery biscuit. So Scary needs to stop joking! The only hard object she's handling all day is a damn weight!
Elton John wants his name to be on the list when he gets to Heaven, so he made sure to invite earth angel Betty White to his Oscar viewing party last night. Betty White was kind enough to mingle with mere mortals like Posh and Michelle Rodriguez (who probably tried to creep on Betty's prune cake).
Most of us would be busting into a soul seizure if Betty White touched our hand, but look at Posh being typical Posh by trying to act like she could care less. Or maybe she's busy trying to deal with the psychical pain she's suffering on the inside from Betty White's grip slowly breaking her weak hand bones. Although, that's not saying much since a handshake from a ghost would hurt frail ass Posh.
Here's a bunch of other hos who showed up for the camera clicks and free booze. They are: The world's memaw, Michelle Rodriguez, Posh, Alan Cumming, KD Lang, Stacey Dash with Jamie Foxx, Christina Hendricks, Debi Mazar, Kelly Osbourne, Sharon Osbourne, JHud, Salma Hayek, a freshly washed Joaquin Phoenix, RuPaul, Scary Spice, a trio of bossy bottoms, Niecy Nash, and Harvey's second favorite pet donkey (next to Peter Andre, of course).
Scary Spice celebrated Whore-o-ween early by leaving her hotel in London tonight dressed like...um...like....I'm not exactly sure. When I first saw these pictures I had just swallowed a grape Fanta so I was suffering from a temporary sugar haze and thought this was Katie Price sans a few layers of tan grease. Maybe that's what Mel B was going for. Or maybe she's a Real Housewives of Atlanta fan so she dressed as the broken condom baby of Sheree and Kim's wig? Who knows? But I do know that her husband's sessy red lipstick would've completed the look.
And you know Eddie Murphy made Mel dress up just like this before slapping his face with a strap-on.
Just for shits (aka for maximum pap exposure), Scary Spice's husband, Stephen Belafonte, decided to get an Xtina smear on his lips and hit the streets looking like a female version of Khloe Kardashian. You can tell Stephen is loving this from his toe nails to his bald head. All of Stephen's lips are puckering!
And I would never have guessed that Stephen is a Winter, but that red really brings out the fierceness in his face.
I've made jokes about how Blohan will soon have to shake her freckled coke bag tittays for an 8-ball and now it looks like she actually might have to. Juggle them chichis for some sugar!
Over the weekend, Blohan went to the opening night of Peepshow, an ass and titty show in Las Vegas starring Scary Spice and Kelly Monaco. Fox News says Blohan was there to meet with the show's creator Jerry Mitchell about possibly replacing Kelly Monaco in three-months. One source said Blohan can't wait, because she really is a triple threat. She's a triple threat alright! Bitch is a master snorter, sucker and blower. Blohan thinks that doing the show will give her theater cred. Yeah, because learning how to do figure eights with nipple tassles while thrusting your pussay bone is really going to convince Broadway producers to cast her as Nora in A Doll's House. Stick that on your resume under "other talents."
The saddest and most hilarious part is that Blohan has to compete against Holly Madison and Brooke Burke for the role! That hurts like a dick after daggering. Next stop: pushing racks of clothes as an extra on The City!
You know, maybe this isn't such a bad idea. I mean, not only is Las Vegas the perfect place for a cokey-brained booze-slut, but one of my idols in life, Nomi Malone, went from truck stop prostitute to titty star and it worked out so well for her. Blohan is totally the new Nomi Malone! "Different places!"
I hope Scary Spice's next vacation is on her own private island after she rapes Eddie Murphy of all his "Shrek" money. He was just going to use that money on tranny hookers anyway. Scary better beef up her security though. Remember the tranny hooker that Eddie got caught with in '97? Poor bitch died a year later after she fell off a roof. Note to Scary: Stay on the ground floor.
Here's Scary vacaying in Miami with her creepy husband. What is with these chicks marrying skeezy ass men? He strikes me as one of those dudes that spends hours and hours on the computer while his chick is asleep. I'm speaking from experience. There's nothing worse than waking up to the simultaneous sounds of dick and keyboard strokes. I had this one boyfriend that loved internet porn. I think he was addicted. One time I woke up in the middle of the night and caught him jacking it to porn. He looked over at me, but didn't fucking stop. Can you believe this shit?! That motherfucker didn't even put down his dick to ask "Having trouble sleeping? Need some warm milk?" It was probably better that way, because his warm milk was the last thing I needed. Besides, that shit was curdled. Chunky jizz.
Eddie Murphy has never seen his 11-month-old daughter by Scary Spice. He isn't planning on seeing her anytime soon either. According to The National Enquirer, Eddie claims Scary told him she was on the pill and that she tricked him into getting her knocked up. A source said, "What was supposed to be a casual relationship ended with her having his baby and taking him to court for millions." Yes, because she also forced him to not wear a condom and bust a nutty professor inside her. She also wants his millions, because all the millions she already has is not enough. That makes a lot of sense.
Eddie's lawyer claims he paid Scary $15,000 a month while she was pregnant and even covered her medical expenses. They are still fighting over child support. Scary reportedly wants a $9 million house and living expenses for the next 18 years. Damn, I guess she does want more millions. Go on then!
Eddie plans to see his daughter, Angel Iris Murphy Brown, when she's older. "He says he will have to wait until Angel is older before he can get to know her without any interference from her mother."
That's a good idea. That way Murphy Brown will be old enough to tell him to fuck off!
The Spice Girls announced that are cutting their world tour short, because of "family commitments" and touring logistics. They have already performed in Europe, UK, Canada and the US. They were supposed to go on until June playing dates in South Africa, Australia, China and Argentina, but will end their shit in Toronto on February 26th instead. Their management denies they are ending due to poor ticket sales.
The Daily Mirror reports that they aren't ending the tour, because of the reasons they gave. They are ending it, because they hate each other again. Scary and Sporty apparently are completely over it. Scary wants to get back to her family and Sporty is afraid it will jeopardize her solo career.
Menopause is a bitch. Listen, these hos made a commitment and they should see it out. Quitting a commitment is not "girl power." That is "girl laziness." Pop the hormones, put on those hideous outfits, show the camel toe and get the hell out and lip-synch like there's no tomorrow.