I didn't give you any full Blaaaake peen (see below), so maybe this will do for now. Although, it's not much. Seriously, if you blink you'll miss it.
Chris Cooley of the Washington Redskins likes to blog. Apparently, he likes to blog in the nude. Don't look at me. I don't play that game. Poop and blog, yes. Nude and blog, no.
The other day Chris posted a picture of the Redskins playbook and uploaded it to his blog, but failed to see his drowsy one-eyed worm saying "hiya" at the bottom of the picture. Click here to see it, but you might get more excitement out of opening your refrigerator and staring at the cold hot dogs.
And if you notice, Chris' one-eyed worm is precariously close to that notebook. That's a paper cut on the peen waiting to happen.
Chris' family is upset about his wang showing up on the internet. Pff! What's to be upset about? Peen happens!
Nicole Richie was leaving the Charlotte Ronson after-party in NYC the other night when a Swedish tourist started taking her picture. A witness told Page Six that Nicole handled it the Kanye West way. The witness said Nicole shouted at them, "I'm not an animal," and then she "jumped over the velvet rope, ripped the camera out of the girl's hand, and smashed it to the ground."
Wow. Nicole Richie jumping over a velvet rope? That sounds kind of cute actually. It probably looked like a tiny chihuahua daintily hopping over strips of cardboard.
And what Nicole didn't realize is that the Swedish tourist was taking her picture because she really thought Nicole was an animal! A marmoset with a silly headband. Seriously, Nicole needs to loosen that baby belt on her head and chill out! She should be happy that people are still taking her stupid ass picture.
Below is a video of a sweet and tiny chihuahua daintily hopping over strips of cardboard. I take it back. There's no way Nicole looked this cute.
Gary Coleman, his giant wife (yes, they are still together), and his bodyguard --- WAIT! Gary Coleman needs a bodyguard? Is he paying him in animal crackers? I double checked and his bodyguard is not Todd Bridges. I don't know why he needs to hire a bodyguard when his wife can pretty much defend his ass with her wild horse teeth.
Gary and his hos were leaving a bowling alley in Payson, Utah on Friday night when 24-year-old Colt Rushton got in his business and tried to get a picture. When Gary turned him down, Colt got even more aggressive and took a few pictures anyway. That's when the little angry man got into his vehicle, started to leave and ended up hitting Colt and another car. I've been hit by a Big Wheel before, it's more painful than it seems.
Colt has a totally different side of the story. He claims that Gary's scary giant wife grabbed his cell phone and when he tried to get it back, Gary started punching at him before getting into his truck and running him over.
Colt is not a quick thinker. Everybody knows that the best way to block punches from Gary Coleman is to hold his head while he's swinging. Duh.
Colt was taken to the hospital, treated and released. Hopefully, the nurses gave him a special hug for getting his ass beaten by Gary Coleman. That can't be good on the ego.
Police are currently investigating this shit. No arrests have been made, but they said booze might have played a part. That goes without saying. Gary really shouldn't have had that extra wine spritzer.
This is exactly what your genitals need this morning. Make sure you put a fresh baby wipe over them before watching this video. They will either cry milky tears or barf up yesterday's meal. And you know exactly what I mean by "yesterday's meal." You filthy whore!
Matt Lauer and Al Roker have once again proven why they get paid the big bucks for their work on "Today." This morning they performed a male tandem rhythmic gymnastics routine to Gary Wright's "Dream Weaver." Male tandem gymnastics sounds like what I did last night. I just wish I had some Gary Wright playing in the background.
They should perform this shit at the Closing Ceremony.
P.S. - After seeing Al Roker in spandex, I can never look at a peanut the same way again.
The pocket hottie from Y Tu Mama Tambien is expecting a little baby. Gael García Bernal confirmed that his girlfriend, actress Dolores Fonzi, is knocked up!
They issued this statement to AP (via People): "This statement is to say that, after so much speculation and comments, the actors ... are indeed expecting a baby at the start of next year." The statement went on to say: "And Gael will be living his knocked up girlfriend for Michael K." That's sweet of him, but I'm tall and he's short. It would never work out. On second thought, he could tongue tickle my no-no hole while we're in line at the grocery store and no one would really notice.
Gael's Y Tu Mama Tambien co-star, Diego Luna, recently had a baby too. Well, he didn't physically have the baby, but his woman did.
Congrats to Gael and Dolores! I'm getting nervous with all the new humans being brought into the world, but these two are pretty hot, which means they might have an adorable baby. Adorable babies are welcome.
Even with all his problems with that horsey lady with the scaaawy teefs, Mini-Me still manages to get
the hot chicks. It's funny that Mini-Me's lady is making that face, because she's going to be making that same face later when Mini-Me's toddler leg is halfway up her chocha. It's okay, girl. Just breathe and think about rainbows and garden gnomes. Well, maybe not gnomes.
Mini-Me is still no match for me. I'd get with that bitch, but he would have to bring his A-GAME. One leg isn't going to cut. I'd have to shout at him, "Bitch! Use two legs. I can't feeeeeel it, bitch! Put a condom over your body and dive on in, because I'm ready to do this!"
Here's Mini with some chick at a Sidekick party last night. This makes me really want a scooter. It would make life so much better.
Jessie Godderz from Big Brother 10 is the bodybuilder and resident twat of the house. I seriously can't stand him for the simple fact that he's fucking with Renny. Nobody messes with my Renny.
A week or so ago, a few semi-nude pictures of Jessie leaked. GaySocialite's claims that Jessie's friends leaked the pictures. They also claim that Jessie is a closeted wiener gobbler. One of their friends said, "He isn't ready for his parents, or the public, to know that he is gay. Jessie isn't actually open with his sexuality, but he doesn't hide it too well either. We just don't talk about it."
Um....the fourth thumbnail below is as gay as it gets. I'm sure Tommy Girl has already photoshopped his face into that picture. Gross.
Towleroad also made a good point. Jessie may not like chicks or other dudes, but he definitely loves himself. Seriously, he wants to make a million roid babies with himself. He's probably broken several mirrors from trying to do sex to his own reflection.
That being said, I'd hit it, but I'd have to bring my own dildo. You know he totally has roly poly peen.
Sorry, but Jenny McCarthy won this round. Jim Carrey may have the attitude and it looks like RuPaul's "Supermodel" is playing in his head while he's working that swimsuit, but the bitch did not come prepared.
First of all, that suit makes his badonkadonk look fat. His chichis could use a little padding AND homegirl didn't wax her crotch jungle. Take some NADS to that mess! WAIT!? And is that cellulite I see on Jim? Quick! Get Phoebe Price and her cellulite-finding magnifying glass to get to the bottom of this.
Jim, next time try a Miraclesuit tankini.
Here's more of Jenny and Jim being bored and entertaining the paparazzi outside their shack in Malibu yesterday.
22-year-old Ranae Shrider from Kentucky is the woman who did sexay times on tape with Mini-Me. TMZ reports she's an aspiring model and Mini-Me's ex-girlfriend. Mr. and Mrs. Shrider must be so proud of their little daughter. They're telling out their church friends that lil' RaeRae (that's why they call her) is starring in her first feature with the one and only Mini-Me!
Okay, in all seriousness now. Somebody please find the full sex tape. I know it's out there and I need to see what Verne's snausage looks like.
Here's more pictures of RaeRae with Mini-Me. She looks like she could swallow him whole. Oh and of course she has a picture with Wonky McValtrex. This is all Wonky's fault!
Enrique Iglesias regrets saying he had a small dick 6 years ago, because people took his joke as fact. He's now known as the "dude with the small one."
He told Showbiz Spy, “I said I had a small penis as a joke. And they took it literally when it is not the truth. So when people find out it’s not the case they are pleasantly surprised.”
Based on my dickdar skills, I'd say Enrique's dick is 6-inches hard with an abnormally large mushroom head. The kind of mushroom head that makes you go "Ewwww."
If Enrique wants to prove to the world that the dick isn't puny, he needs to show the goods before a live studio audience. Playgirl magazine doesn't count! I'm convinced Playgirl photoshops a couple of inches on their dicks.