Small Ones

Gary Coleman is not only the size of the Energizer Bunny, but he also has the tenacity of that bitch! Just a few days ago, Gary was rushed to the hospital after he had a seizure. Well, Gary didn't let that shit interfere with his trick whoopin' ways, because the goblin was arrested in Utah yesterday on domestic assault. This mug shot was born from that arrest. It looks like a promo picture for a children's theater production of The Shining. RED RUM: "Watchoo talkin' about, Wendy?"

The NYDN reports that cops put Gary into a pair of Fisher Price handcuffs at 1:30 in the afternoon on Sunday and took him in for one count of misdemeanor domestic assault. It's unclear as to when the incident took place.

Since Gary could easily slip through jail bars, the cops threw him into a padded cat carrier. Bail has been set at $1,725, but Gary can't come up with the cash so he's still in jail this morning.

The victim's name is being kept under wraps, but it's safe to assume that it's either his wife or maybe a three-legged puppy. Let's go with the former since Gary has a history bringing the rage on her. In the past, she claimed that he threw a fax machine. Gary's wife was also arrested in July and charged with one count of misdemeanor domestic violence.

One of my friends (imaginary, of course) sent me Gary's mug shot and said it will chew at my ankles in my nightmares tonight. That's not going to happen to me since every time I look at Gary's mug shot I see THIS:

Yeah, not that scary. And if that doesn't work on you, just picture him standing on 3 phone books. That might make it less nightmare-inducing.

The other day, Gary Coleman had to be calmed down with a bag of animal crackers and a milk box after he threw a tantrum over the producers of his movie Midgets vs. Mascosts using a dick double in one of the scenes.

Gary asked his fans to just say no to the movie, "I wanted all my fans to protest my penis being in the movie, because I didn't want that. It's a body double, I believe, because I certainly was not gonna do this. And I heard that the body double is ugly, and is unattractive, and does not make me look good."

Well, Rhymes with Snitch claims they got a hold of a screen shot featuring the dick double. It's waiting for you after the jump. You might want to hold on to something sturdy and a put a piece of duct tape over your mouth so you don't wake the children. (NSFW) JUMP!

You know what this Tiger Woods Three (Hundred) Whore Circus has been missing? NEKKIDNESS! Specifically, nekkidness in peen form. Well, Life & Style says that Playgirl is on the case! Yes, the same Playgirl who never ponied up Levi Johnston's Alaskan meat. So don't hold your genitals.

Playgirl's spokeswhore Daniel Nardicio says that they have pictures of Tiger's peen in their warm crotches. Apparently, the pics came from one of Tiger's many mistresses. Playgirl said they are trying to find out if the pictures are of Tiger or just some random wang. Daniel said, "We're currently trying to authenticate the photos before we make any decisions on purchasing the Tiger Woods pics and ascertaining the value."

Unless Tiger's face or body is in the pictures, how are they going to prove that shit? This is a job for Gay Al Reynolds! Gay Al's peendar is the best in the business (sorry, Tommy Girl). Gay Al's double glazed donut hole can correctly match up a dude's clothed crotch with a picture of his naked dick. Every time!

And if you're impatient like me and don't want to wait to see tiger dick, CLICK HERE!

In 2006, a tape featuring Kid Pebble and Scott Stopp (on purpose typo) getting their used tampons sucked by a bunch of skanky groupies made the internet rounds. In a new interview with Spin Magazine (via HuffPo), the Christian banger says that he did not have sex in the biblical sense on tape. You know, because it isn't considered "sex," unless it's in the missionary position, on your marital bed, with all the lights off and at least one of you are crying out of shame.

Scott told the magazine, "Well, there's no sex on the sex tape. For it to get characterized that way, I mean, that kind of sucks." I'll say it sucks.

Do we really need someone to sit Scott down, hold his hand and tell him how this "sex" thing works? Scott is probably one of those fucktards who thinks that sticking the tip in and twerking the dick just a little doesn't count as an intimate act. The bible says that when all else fails, just scream, "IT WAS JUST THE TIP!"

Scott Stump (another OPT) went on to fart that getting a dick job next to Kid Rock made things a little awkward between them, "What sucks about that is Bob -- Kid Rock -- and I were friends. He'd been over to my house and we jammed and hung out. We were in Tampa playing with Metallica, and I walked into his trailer and there were some strippers. It's a time in his life and a time in my life that we'd like to put behind us and not publicize because we have children now, and they're in school, and their friends read. I know he was pretty pissed off at me when that came out. We haven't sat down face-to-face. I did apologize to him that I didn't just burn that thing. I thought that was a skeleton in the closet that would never find the light of day."

But have they sat down face-to-ass? That was a trick question.

And in case you haven't seen this, here's the trailer for that never-released video of Scott and Kid Pebble not having sex with a bunch of strippers in a bus:

Tank Jones (the motherfucker in the fancy pink tie in the picture above) lied to us all! Tank promised that Levi Johnston would give us a clear shot of the goods in his upcoming Playgirl spread, but this is not the case. There will no full frontal nekkidness. Call your local congressperson over this fuckery! This is an injustice.

Playgirl's Daniel Nardicio released this statement to Gawker: "He did not give 'full-frontal' as his manager Tank Jones reported he would. We're thrilled with the photos we got, and are confident people will love them. Although there may be glimpses, we did not get full on frontal nudity."

Basically, it sounds like we're just going to get Levi's peen head peeking out from a hockey stick? WHAT IS THE POINT?! How are people supposed to fap to that?

Tank Jones should hang his head in shame for the rest of his days. You can't promise us a salchicha barbecue, and then show up with half a Vienna sausage. You can lie about a lot of things, but you should never lie about DICK. Dick is serious business. Levi Johnston's peen and me are fucking done professionally!

Even if Levi had a crooked pencil peen with a misshapen head, they could've injected it with a little Crisco to fatten it up a bit. There's no excuse.

Here's a quick update on Levi Johnston's dick flashing situation. His manger Tank tells TMZ that Levi is getting his peen ready for its close-up, because it will be smiling for Playgirl's cameras: "Everything's gonna hang out. We're talking full johnson."

Tank went on to say that Levi will take all his panties off for Playgirl on November 16th. That happens to be the same day his kid's memaw, Sarah Palin, appears on Oprah for the first time.

You don't have to worry about jizzing up your monitor, because Playgirl plans to put out a special print edition (they are currently online only) of Levi's spread just in time for Christmas.

Levi can finally stop with the teasing. For the past couple of weeks he's been farting about how he may or may not bring the dick to the party. One minute, the tip is peeking out and the next minute, it's nestling back in his pants. Seriously, it felt like the longest first date EVER.

Image via Flickr

I'd show my bits for a drop of sweat you claim you collected from Mah Boo Anderson Cooper's forehead during one of his giggle fits. And I'd even do it knowing that the sweat most likely came from a homeless junkie's upper lip. So, I'm easy. And so is Levi Johnston! Dude needs to stop teasing about showing his peen. Levi's manager/Palin-blocker Tank has already said there's a 90% chance that we will see Levi's moneymaker in his Playgirl spread, but he decided to play coy on his Twitter the other day by asking this question.

We all know Levi will drop the wang for two pieces of moose jerky and a Sarah Palin Cabbage Patch Doll. Stop the Twittering, and whip it out.

By the way, since Levi typed "WANG" Kanye-style, does that mean he's hung like a Gaga? Yes, I always get over-analytical when it comes to dude dick.

VIA Jezebel

This little clip of "Seth Green losing it on the set of a commercial" landed in my inbox, and even though it's probably faker than everything on Heidi Montag, it's still so cute! Seriously, I love it when little leprechauns throw adult-sized hissy fits. Maybe he'd be more menacing if he was standing on a phone book, but he isn't, so this shit is just precious.

Don't you just want to hug the angries right out of him? I bet if you squeeze him hard enough thousands of Lucky Charms (only the marshmallow ones) will shoot out of his tiny asshole. This should really be on Cute Overload.

This is even giving Christian Bale the "awwwws" in his heart.

After just three months of marriage, Fred Durst and his wife Esther Nazarov have gone their separate ways. Fred went off to bang anything who doesn't mind him gnarling like a bear eating a rabbit's head (if you've seen his sex tape, you know what I'm talking about) and Esther went off to submit her application to the gayelle club.

Fred announced the tragic news on his Twatter:

"For those of you inquiring I will confirm that Esther and I have decided to go our separate ways and we both thank you for your support. Thank you all SO much for your concern and extremely kind words. Sincerely. We remain very positive and wish only the best for each other."

I will say that the marriage lasted a lot longer than my ass predicated. My guess is that the bad shit haze finally wore off and Esther realized she was married to a dude who used to suck on Parasite Hilton's septic tank.

And since we're here, (NSFW) click on this to see Fred's limp bizkit. I doubt it's usually like that. Dude must have just stuck it in the vacuum to stretch it out for the cameras.

VIA UsWeekly

Those of you who have never gotten your b-hole slapped by a hard peen in the early morning hours might have never heard about the site Manhunt. It's basically where your dick goes when it wants to barf while in the company of another.

Manhunt decided to conduct a study on what states are home to the biggest and smallest dicks by gathering data from their members. Here's the results:

The 5 states with the largest average peen size:
1. District of Columbia - 7.59
2. New York - 7.50
3. California - 7.45
4. Florida - 7.44
5. Kentucky - 7.42

The 5 states with the smallest average peen size:
1. Alaska - 6.34
2. Wyoming - 6.92
3. Delaware - 6.94
4. Arkansas - 6.96
5. Oklahoma - 6.96

This list can also be titled The States with the BIGGEST LIARS! I mean, if you subtract a couple of inches that's probably the real average dick size in each state. It's not like Manhunt went door-to-door with a fluffer and a ruler. They should have, because Gay Al Reynolds is always standing (or kneeling) by ready to fluff!

I've done my own unofficial study and I can say that there is no way the average dick size in New York is 7.50. My no-no will put its lips on the bible and testify to that in any court room.

VIA Buzzfeed