But mostly everyone stood to shake awake all the body parts that fell asleep while Fishsticks Paltrow's boring ass tried to sing and play guitar at the same time. NO! The Tammy Wynette of England and a woman who weighs less than one of Dolly Parton's nipples performed "Cuntry Wrong" with Vince Gill at the CMA Awards tonight and ho looked all kinds of nervous to me. Almost as nervous as the time a waitress at a Nashville diner shook her head "no" when when Fishy asked for a room temperature glass of Voss water with an organic slice of lavender-infused lemon in it. THAT NERVOUS.
FISHY! Didn't the Dalai Lama or whoever the hell your in-house spiritual adviser is these days teach you to picture the audience doing downward dog on a cashmere yoga mat? You know, so you can feel at home? I swear, Fishy looked like she was about to pee in her $5,000 imported French silk panties. Yes, her piss is so organic and pure that it can double as a facial toner, but still! Maybe it wasn't a good time for her to start that kumquat seed and cucumber juice cleanse.
But Fishy managed to hold her piss AND the stick shoved up her ass at the same time, so I'll say that she sort of kind of pulled it off.
Even Hollywood daughters of privilege whose godfather is one of the most famous directors in the world is invited to spread her cooch on the casting couch. Long before Fishsticks Paltrow won an Oscar (EMILY WATSON WAS ROBBED!!!!!) for Shakenspeare in Lurve, she pounded the pavement like any other actress and says that one time some dude wanted to pound her in exchange for a role. Fishy queefs to Elle:
"When I was just starting out, someone suggested that we finish a meeting in the bedroom. I left. I was pretty shocked. I could see how someone who didn't know better might worry, 'My career will be ruined if I don’t give this guy a blow job!'"
Fishy needs to stop. Like she didn't pull out the "Um...My Daddy Produced St. Elsewhere And My Mommy Is Blythe Fucking Danner" card when the asshole tried to jump into her fish tank.
Fishy, he wasn't trying to stick his dick in your gills or jizz on your fins, he just wanted to get your opinion on the way he decorated his bedroom. He somehow knew that you were an expert at 10,000-thread count sheets imported from the Himalayas, Feng Shui, and how to get your room to smell like an air of self-importance. That's all!
Fishy also says that it's still really hard out there for actresses her age:
"There’s a lot that’s okay, but there’s little that's really good, especially for someone my age. Sometimes you find out that something you really liked is going to someone 10 years younger. I find it heartening that Meryl Streep and Sandra Bullock have been able to find and create amazing projects."
I knew her cunt tongue would strike again soon. YES! Cuntranslation: what she really means by "Meryl Streep and Sandra Bullock" is "old crusty bitches".
Since Fishsticks Paltrow is a fine English lady who only runs in the most prestigious social circles in her native land, you would think she'd have a private box at The Ascot and a stable full of thoroughbred horses with pretentious as fuck names. But no, she doesn't! That's because Fishy has HATE in her gills for horses. Fishy made her intense hate for horses known when talking about her daughter Apple to Vogue UK (via HuffPo):
"She loves riding - she competed in her first horse show the other day and won second place. Well of course I was thrilled for her -but it's incredible because I hate horses and have nothing really to do with them. The other day I actually sent Stella (McCartney) a picture because there was Apple, just sitting on her horse, wearing a pineapple T-shirt. I just texted her saying, 'surely this is your child?'. It's amazing - she's a vegetarian, she adores animals, everything - she and Stella have really bonded."
And with that, I can announce that horses are having the best week ever! They never have to worry about Fishy wanting to ride them or invite them over for afternoon organic tea!!! Trace Cyrus better grab SJP to kick up their hooves together at this happy news. This is kind of the news that will make a horse want to fuck a fly and kiss a snake!
Fishsticks Paltrow as a down home country star?! And not just any down home country star, but a down home country star who wakes up in a puddle of her own whiskey-scented barf and drunkenly dances on top of tables at bars! Please, like we don't know that Fishy wakes up on 10,000-count thread sheets and doesn't get on top of her $50,000 imported coffee table unless it will help her get closer to her spiritual essence. This shit is not believable!
My favorite part of this trailer is at the very end when Fishy is supposed to be hoofin' it up on stage, but she looks more like that 30-day lemon seed and cucumber water cleanse got the best of her and she's trying to run for the nearest toilet.
That being said, I really hope the cat on Tim McGraw's head gets a nomination for this since the poor thing was ROBBED of one for playing John Travolta's hair in Old Dogs.
The last time Fishstick Paltrow spread her oral GOOP all over a mic was for that Duets movie with Huey Lewis. Kevin Spacey is still whistling her song when he's strolling through Hampstead Heath in the middle of the night.
Anyways, Fishsticks the singer is back and this time she's slipped on her cowboy boots made from grass fed cattle to moan out the title song for her new movie Country Strong. You know after she sang that shit she washed the twang out of her mouth with a glass of distilled rain drop water collected just for her by a small tribe in the Amazon. Fishy is all cuntry!
Loretta Lynn's b-hole could blow out a catchier country song, but Fishy's voice doesn't sound that awful. Admitting that makes me feel like a dark cloud just butt fucked me without lube, so I'm going to go console myself by snuggling with my Rojo Caliente paper blanket. Yes, I made a blanket out of those pictures. Duh.
A couple of weeks ago, UsWeekly told everyone that the forever pretentious Fishstick Paltrow and the equally pretentious Vadge ended their pretentious friendship and now hate each other with the passion of a million violent bowel movements. The image of Vadge dipping her pen (made from the bones of her victims) in a jar of virgin's blood and crossing Fishy's name off the invitation list for Baby Jesus' bris sponsored by Vita Coco water did lift me up a few times. But sadly, there might not be anymore images like that since it looks like Vadge and Fishy are friendly-ish again.
At a Diane Von Furstenberg event in London last night, Fishy and Vadge looked sort of happy as they posed together for a few pictures. Fishy didn't try to destroy Vadge by reciting a few lines from her latest edition of GOOP in Latin (you know she's fluent), so that means they don't totally want to murder each other.
And I've already used way too many key strokes to barf about Vadge's cheeks, so I will just say that she looked as handsome as a midget piano player in her custom made suit from The Butch Clothing Company. Fishy on the other hand.....BEAT!!! Bitch looks like she just got done with a 250-day fast which involved only licking ice cubes made of purified rain water from the Amazon and never addressing her friends by their nicknames (Nicknames are toxic to Fishy! TOXIC, I tell you!!!!). Although, I think she needs to fast some more because the oily residue from the bullshit in her system is starting to seep out of her pores which is making her look all greasy. Biore that bitch!
Here's more pictures from last night's party including Posh's ridiculous ass and Valentino. Just a warning, you might want to rub SPF: 1,567,998 over your eyeballs before clicking on Valentino's picture, because staring at him will give you melanoma in the retinas.
While sashaying through the red carpet at tonight's National Movie Awards in London, Tommy Girl was suddenly hit with the little boy sads because he wanted to be the one wearing the stilettos instead of Stepford Katie. And it didn't stroke his mood in a good way that his face was even closer to her areolas. AND the stripes kept directing his eyes towards her Scientolocooch. It so was not Tommy's night. But maybe he perked up later in the men's room when he didn't have to stand on his tippity tippy toes to get a peek at DanRad's peen when they were pissing next to each other.
Anyways, here's more of Tommy and Katie along with Fishsticks Paltrow (who is getting shown up by her fan), Orlando Bloom, the Harry Potter kids, and Kylie Minogue.
At the very beginning of her POOP newsletter this week, Fishsticks Paltrow writes, "traversed the globe," so you know this shit is going to be a new kind of pretentious. Fishy writes that so many people (aka nobody) asked her how she got her body ready for Iron Man 2.
No, Fishy didn't prepare by only nibbling on oxygen and sniffing organic pieces of lettuce. She actually put herself on a 5-day diet and exercise plan to lose the extra "winter weight." "Winter weight" is what the rest of us call "our bodies year fucking round."
Here's how Fishy got the sexy body of a piece of fax paper. It helps if you read this while eating a slice of pizza or birthday cake. Or a piece of birthday cake wrapped in a slice of pizza. This shit really does explain everything:
7am: Wake up, rotate the stick in your ass so it points towards the sun, drink green tea
Breakfast: Eat a Think Thin bar or a shake made of almond milk, blueberries and fancy powder
8am: Look like an idiot for 90-minutes while doing this workout from the sun-dried goblin known as Tracy Anderson
9:30am: Clean up the shitty mess you made after projectile caca-ing everywhere from working out after drinking a blueberry shake
Post-workout: Drink kale juice
1pm lunch: Eat a vegan wrap with Jicama slices or boneless grilled chicken or a lock of your hair
Afternoon snack: Eat a handful of almonds, kale juice or a shake made of distilled ice chips
Dinner: Eat turkey kale soup and a chopped salad
Fishy did that for five days. No wonder she's so terrible. Bitch is HONGRAY. Your stomach isn't chanting, Fishy, it's growling because it wants a delicious piece of fried cheese!
Seriously, at the end of day one, I'd be at the nearest McDonald's begging them to serve me a hamburger bun covered with the contents of their grease bin.
All eyes (not really) have been on Kate Hudson's chest area ever since the rumor went around that she got stuffed with tiny titty sacks the size of Heidi Montag's nipple implants (you know that bitch got nipple implants too). Lately, Kate has been hiding her freshmen chichis, but she brought them out to play last night SANS bra.
Kate was as flat as Jon Grosselin's crotch before, but I'm still not convinced that she got them plumped. Maybe her chest is swelling, because they are allergic to her douchebag poses. That could be it.
But you know what I am convinced of? I'm convinced that I need a hobby, because I've been staring at Kate Hudson's chichis for 10 minutes straight. It's probably because they look like two dwarf gerbils masturbating next to each other. Can't you see their tiny penises? Yes, I need a hobby.
While I go and find one, look at these pictures of Kate at some Chopard event in NYC last night with Fishsticks Paltrow who looks like a lace butt tampon.
So I'm over at the Daily Mail looking at a few pictures from the Bent On Learning benefit in NYC last night when BAM! This precious portrait hit me like a hug from Aretha Franklin's chichis. The photographer caught Fishsticks Paltrow in the perfect GOOP moment! She looks like an emaciated alien fish who is waaaay too pleased with herself. This is perfection.
Unfortunately, her face is normal-ish looking in the other pictures. So just file this under "a shooting star." This picture is like a wink from God letting us all know that he feels us. I'm totally going to blow it up and hang it over my bed so that when I wake up in the morning I will be reminded that the world is filled with beautiful gifts. You just have to search photo agencies to find them.
Here's more pictures from last night including some of Vadge (who is obviously storing virgin balls in her cheeks for the summer) and Lourdes.