Gwyneth Paltrow

Contrary to Gwyneth Paltrow's belief, not every ho wants to sit on an antique farmhouse chair (imported from wherever the rarest antique farmhouse chairs exist) and sip from a bowl of liquefied black pearls while telling their pretentious cunt friends how most tiresome it is that a bald eagle chose to nest on the exact cliff where they want to build their early autumn mountain chalet (SPOILER ALERT: they bull dozed that nest down). And one of those Not Every Hos is Fishsticks' very own husband Chris Martin.

According to Popeater, Chris was a guest at a dinner party to celebrate Fishy's new cookbook and he gave the same pout his wife gives when her semi-private fishmonger (IN THIS ECONOMY, she has to share a fishmonger with the McCartneys and the royals) tells her that they're all out of Osetra caviar. Apparently, Chris' glumcuntface let everyone know that he would rather be sucking off a chainsaw than sitting with his wife's friends.

When Chris arrived, reporters were told that he didn't want to talk to anyone. Chris camped out in a corner and shriveled inside every time he had to hold a conversation with the likes of Martha Stewart and Mario Batali.

I subliminally threw Chris a "suck it up, cunt" look until I read what Jessica Seinfeld said before dinner began: "You are all so lucky to be part of Gwyneth's world. Because this is the real deal. And she's invited all of you good people in here. I would never do that."

Jessica Seinfeld is the fucking worst. Allow me to hide a heaping dose of STFU in her brownies. Who says that shit? Those are the kind of words you say at the grand opening of an In-N-Out across the street from your house. You don't say that about "a world" where you have to wear shoes at the dinner table and are expected to use the correct fork to eat duck ala eatme.

But Fishy fixed everything when she fed Chris a spoon full of flax seed oil and told him he's the biggest, greatest rock star in the world. Seeing as though Fishy's world is her only world, that's not saying much (but don't tell Chris).

One of the questions I get asked the most by hos (besides, "Who do I talk to in order to have you committed for an infinite amount of time?") is how the nickname Fishsticks Paltrow was born? I always direct them to Ted Casablanca who pulled Gwyneth Paltrow out of a freezer burned Gorton's box many years ago and gave her the nickname of Fishsticks, because as he puts it she's "cold, much too thin and overly white-breaded." It stuck with me for those very reasons, and because I have a feeling that her words would go down easier if they were coated with tartar sauce.

And now worlds have collided! While whoring out her cookbook "GOOPing for Dummies," Fishy told the Daily Mail that she makes homemade (of course) fishsticks for her family! Well, Fishy calls them "fish fingers" since she was dipped in Simon Cowell's titty juice and baptized a Brit!

Gwyneth is delighted that I’ve tried her recipes – and we discuss the challenges facing every working mother who has the best intentions of cooking for her children, but invariably, pressed for time, opts for fish fingers. Gwyneth also serves fish fingers, but they’re always home-made.

‘I make a batch and freeze them,’ she explains. ‘But I think the main thing for mothers is to not stress yourself out. I honestly think that even ordering a pizza and sitting down together as a family is great. You’re not always going to have time to cook a meal from scratch.

You know, I've been thinking of retiring the nickname Fishsticks from my vocabulary, because it's not a pleasant experience whenever I chew on an actual fish stick and tell myself that I'm eating out Gwyneth Paltrow. No amount of tartar sauce can cleanse that aftertaste. When you give a ho a nickname, you have to ask yourself, "By calling them this nickname, is it going to ruin food eating for me in the future?"

And I can't call her "Fish Fingers," because that nickname already belongs to my lesbian friend who once fingered a trick in a bar while sitting right next to me. It was rightly earned and I refuse to bestow it upon the likes of Fishsticks!

Fishsticks Paltrow is EVERYWHERE whoring out her cookbook like the bill from her exclusive organic herbalist is due tomorrow and so she's giving interviews to anybody who will stick a recording device under her mouth (Pre-approved by her people, of course. Fishy cares about where her spit lands.). Fishy exchanged words with Self Magazine and they talked about what she puts in her mouth (fried clams, red wine, duck sausage, the distilled tears of the maids she scolds for washing their hands in the guest powder room instead of the servants sink in the cellar), how much she works out during the week (90 minutes a day, 5 times a week) and how her trainer Tracy "Batwinginator" Anderson is solving the problem that is her SpongeBob ass. Yeah, this is the mess that came out of Fishy's mouth when Self asked her about her challenge areas:

"My butt! My butt, butt, butt. When Tracy met me, she said that I had a long, square butt that she was going to redesign, and I was, like, "Yeah? Good luck." The amazing thing is, she was right! And it's still changing!"

Redesign?! Okay, now I watch a lot of DIY Network (because men in tight t-shirts talking about wood and calk speaks to me in a special way) and I know that during a remodel you can't remove a load bearing pillar. You just can't. And Fishy's got a major load bearing pillar shoved so far up her culo that if she opened her mouth really wide you could see the top of it. It's not going anywhere, so she should just embrace her flat, square, long ass. It's a beautiful thing. The kids can even roll out dough on it for pizza that will go into the fancy oven in their garden. It's fun for the whole family.

Fishsticks Paltrow admits that contrary to the fact that her picture is next to the word "perfect" in Webster's Dictionary, the Baccarat crystal facade that covers her is riddled with imperfections! This is like finding out that swans queef. MIND BLOWN. Instead of just straight telling you what Fishy's main flaw is, let's play a game. Below are 8 possibilities for you to choose from. GO!

a) Sometimes she sneezes in an American accent.
b) She once watched a McDonald's commercial in its entirety and didn't roll her eyes once.
c) Whenever her polenta (which she grounds herself using organic corn from her roof garden) refuses to not be lumpy, she whispers into its lumps: "Why won't you be perfect? Stop being so fat and lumpy. I fucking hate you, you cunt polenta."
d) She made the decision to marry Chris Martin.
e) When she takes a day trip to India to meditate with the Dalai Lama on a grassy knoll in the hills of McLeodganj, her stubborn British tongue makes it impossible for her to say "thank you" in Tibetan without an accent.
f) Her shit "plops" instead of "dings" when it hits the toilet water.
g) Her palate can't tell the difference between Evian and Volvic.
h) She doesn't get an allergic reaction in the form of a crotch rash when she puts on a pair of polyester panties.

If you answered, "ALL OF THEM," you're probably right, but Fishy only admitted one to USA Today in an interview. Fishy went with "c." Fishy wishes that everything she touched turned to perfection and it kills her that it doesn't. Of course. Midas is laughing his ass off at her right now.

"One of my most negative qualities is the perfectionism that I have, and I think that I unconsciously project that because it comes from self-doubt and insecurity and that's the ironic part. I'm so deeply flawed. I'm just a normal mother with the same struggles as any other mother who's trying to do everything at once and trying to be a wife and maintain a relationship. There's absolutely nothing perfect about my life, but I just try hard."

Fishy shouldn't be so hard on herself. Especially, because at last night's Shine On event (judging by her greasy ass face, she obviously thought it was a theme), she was every shade of perfect. Looking like a lubed-up uncut peen with extra droopy foreskin while posing with Meryl Streep and Kathy Ireland = PERFECTION.

The extra hung egos of Jay-Z and Fishsticks Paltrow crawled into a shrine to themselves and spent a good hour or two non-stop jacking each other off. Every few minutes, a certain verbal stroke (example: "You are the coolest man on Earth, how the f did you get like that?") would make one of them ejaculate a GOOP bomb and they'd keep on going. By the end, the inside of that shrine smelled like organic smugness and self-entitlement. If that image is enough to shower your monitor with bile, then tell your stomach to save a little for the interview, because that shit is worse.

As part of the launch for his new lifestyle website Life + Times, Jay-Z let his friend Fishy interview him for HER lifestyle website GOOP. Ugh. What resulted was a bukkake of self-satisfaction. Read 'em and let your stomach weep barf tears up into your throat.

GP: Life + Times is incredible—aesthetically, culturally … When did you get the idea to start it and how long have you been working on it?
JZ: I started working on it in its various incarnations over a year ago. I've thought about it forever. You know how it works, seeing other sites and being either inspired or saying, "That's shit. I would do it like ..."

GP: I love seeing everything through your filter, how do you decide what you are going to cover? How personal is this?
JZ: Well there is a basic metric for what we cover but, more importantly, I believe it's how we cover it. The DNA is to basically let the subject speak for itself. We don't want to tell you what to think. As far as how personal? I would say it has to pique my interest.

GP: As someone who has walked through museums with you, eaten with you, heard music with you, I know firsthand how creativity in all areas lifts your consciousness. Do you feel that as a cultural figure of importance it is part of your responsibility to share what inspires you?
JZ: I think it's every human's job to inspire others, to feed one another's senses. Inspiration begets inspiration times infinity. Imagine if the person that was inspired to create the phonograph didn't share it with the world.

GP: In one word answers, name someone or something in food, music, art and design, style, and sports that inspires you today and your favorite spot to be leisurely.
JZ: Food: Batali (he's like a rock star)
Music: MARLEY (the perfect blend of love and gangster)
Art: BASQUIAT (where music and art met and fell in love)
Style: MARC JACOBS (he takes the Bronx experience like 40 below boots and bubble gooses and puts it on the runway)
*Disclaimer: I know it's one goose 2 geese..
Sports: Muhammad ALI (enough said)
And my favorite spot to be leisurely is wherever family, friends, good food and wine are.

GP: You are the coolest man on Earth, how the f did you get like that?
JZ: I'm around great women, starting with my mom. Women keep men cool. The hotter the chick the cooler the guy ... that sounds like a really bad rap line!

Jay-Z also asked Fishy a few questions for his site including how she got into hip hop ("I first was exposed to hip-hop when I was about 16 by some boys who went to collegiate.") and about her singing skills ("When I sang with you one night at the Royal Albert Hall a few years ago, it was so terrifying.")

Jay-Z and Fishy proved that one of their hidden talents is articulately speaking while their tongues are up each other's assholes. I mean, what the fuck is this?! "Do you feel that as a cultural figure of important...." Get a room, you two! Preferably a windowless room with no keyboards or recording devices in it.

They really need to put their 12" inch egos away before they start to make Kanye West feel inadequate.

Now, I haven't read Fishsticks Paltrow's Ode To My Perfect Life (No Poors Allowed), because I can feel bad about my diet for free by calling my mother up and telling her what I had for lunch. But Eater must've been behind on their eye rolling exercise for the week, because they dipped their retinas into the imported copper pot of naive pretentiousness and pulled out the best (see: worst) quotes.

From their review, half of it sounds like something a rich Jane Austen character might say when you ask them what they did for summer. The other half sounds like a charming tale the mistress of the house would tell her chamber maid after her car ran out of gas and she was forced to seek help from a farmer and his wife who served her curious things like hot dog buns and bacon.

All of Eater's favorite lines are at, well, at Eater, but here's the ones that really made me choke on my store-bought frozen breakfast burrito cooked in the electromagnetic wave burning oven on top of my refrigerator. If you read some of these quotes out loud, you will find the tip of your nose slowly rising up away from the peasants below, slap yourself with a hot dog to come back down.

GP: "One year I was given a birthday present I'll never forget — a cooking lesson from Jamie Oliver."
Me: I'm surprised she didn't lie and say "Ina Garten" to really stick it to that heartbroken sick boy.

GP: "I'm not sure how healthy bacon is in general, but I know it's incredibly delicious."
Me: There's an especially lonely bacon-free place in the depths of Hell for anybody who gives bacon a back-handed compliment.

GP: "I basically love anything that comes in a hot dog bun... except hot dogs (sorry, Dad)."
Me: This reminds me of when I was a kid and my mom would always always buy too many hot dog buns for birthday parties. For the next few weeks, we'd get a hot dog bun with everything. A hot dog burn with our spaghetti, a toasted hot dog bun with grape jelly in it for breakfast, a low-budget Subway sandwich made with a hot dog bun and turkey slices... But I doubt that's what Fishy is straight queefing about. She probably just fills a hot dog bun with fresh lobster flown in on her private jet from Maine and Vegenaise. Or she's a down low fast food freak and puts Chris Martin's dick in one after hours.

GP: "One cold wintry day in London, I was dreaming about salad nicoise—one of my favorites."
Me: And at that very moment, salad nicoise had a nightmare about being eaten by Fishsticks Paltrow.

GP "One evening when I had my wood-burning stove going I realized I hadn't thought of dessert."
Me: That one is from the chapter titled: "Being a rich white lady is hard."

GP: "We've got a wood-burning pizza oven in the garden—a luxury, I know, but it's one of the best investments I've ever made."
Me: Why am I having hopeful flashes of the final scene from Hansel & Gretel?

GP: "When I pass a flowering zucchini plant in a garden, my heart skips a beat."
Me: Maybe I'm becoming numb to Fishy's verbal acts of snobby ridiculousness, but I didn't really think most of these quotes were that bad until my eyes landed on this one.

Sometimes you just have to end a post with a good-old fashioned I CAN'T. Because, really I cannot. But you know who can? Taylor Swift, because she's going to snatch that line for her next song.

If you ask me, there's only room in the world for one ice cold blonde cooking mogul who can't even boil an egg unless she's got a team of chefs nearby to help her (that one's for you, Sandra Lee). Fishsticks Paltrow disagrees with me and the rumor is she's about terrorize the magazine world the same way she slimed across country music. Fishy is James Franco-ing her way through life by trying to conquer every single medium from TV to movies to the Internet to music to print! The New York Post has heard that the halls of Hearst Publishing are filled with fake British accent whispers, which could only mean one thing: GOOPY IS JOINING THEIR FAMILY!

A source at Hearst claims that Fishy is in super secret talks with them about publishing her own food magazine. A rep for Hearst denies the rumor, but the source says that it is something they're talking about. Shit could get TOO REAL next month if Fishy's cookbook "My Father's Daughter" becomes a bestseller. This could prove to Hearst that Fishy's food magazine will sell.

Knowing Fishy, it will also be more than just food. Next to an article on 101 ways to prepare bottled water, she'll list the top 10 pair of cashmere socks that won't ruin in the washing machine if your weekend laundress accidentally throws them in there. It will be the perfect magazine for bitches who want to know what it feels like to be born into a millionaire family, marry a millionaire and become a millionaire yourself. I would say that it will also be the perfect magazine to pick up dog shit with, but Fishy will probably price it in pounds so none of us will be able to afford it.

If GOOP: The Magazine doesn't work for Fishy, she can always name it Better Than YOUR Homes and Gardens.

via TV Line

Gwyneth Paltrow sang in Country Strong, sang at the Country Music Awards, sang on Glee, sang on Saturday Night Live and now she's about to sing during the Grammy Awards on February 13th. Thanks to Fishstick's incessant need to kick our ears with her GOOP warble, 2011 is turning out to be the year of the mute button. And you can partly blame the Violet Beauregarde of soul for this.

After Fishy sang a scrubbed version of Cee-Lo's "Fuck You" on Glee, he asked her to record a new version of the song. There's a good chance they will performance that version on the Grammys with the help of a few Muppets. Cee-Lo tells People that he developed a bond (smells like pit cream, undertit butter, flax seed oil and ear drum tears) with Fishy after she told him she is "really feeling and appreciating what I had done artistically. That was awesome to come from her and feel her energy."

"Fuck You" used to be one of my favorite passive-aggressive songs to sing out in public whenever I needed to curse a trick out without cursing a trick out. If some asshole was talking too loud on his cell phone in line at the grocery store, you could start singing "FUCK YOU" and when he turned around to slap you in the mouth, you'd tell him that you were just trying to get Cee-Lo's song out of your head. A perfect excuse. But now I can't sing that mess without seeing Fishy's "Scream mask covered with rare organic beeswax" face mouthing the words "FUCK YOU" at me. "Fuck You" is supposed to only make a one way trip from my head to GOOPVILLE. And now it's going round trip! Fuck you for this, Cee-Lo!

Believe it or not, Lady Gwyneth Paltrow really does hear the BITCH BOOOOOS coming from the other side of her castle wall while she gracefully strolls through the gardens and picks organic cabbage roses to make scented water for her downstairs guest powder room because that's the sort of thing all working mothers do. Fishsticks knows that bitches try to throw shade on the sunshine and enlightenment she's spreading across the world through GOOP. All the cuntified hate almost drowned GOOP for good, but then she realized that haters are gonna hate no matter what. In an interview with Harper's Bazaar UK (via UsWeekly), Fishy says that an old man in Italy is the one who gave her the strength to go on!

"Any time you do anything with any degree of sincerity, people make fun of you. That's totally fine. I don't care. I don't read any of it. My thing with Goop has always been, if you don't like it, then don't log onto it. There were a couple of times when I thought 'I'm just gonna stop doing it. People are so mean to me. I don't want to do it.' But then I was like, 'Who cares what some lame person out there says?' I was in Italy once, and this old man came up to me and said, 'I had the best time in Nashville because of Goop.' And that is so worth it to me.”

If she switched out "sincerity" for "pretentious superiority," the bitch would be speaking the truth! And you know that "old man in Italy" was Apple in a white beard and a straw hat. Fishy's lady-in-waiting made Apple do it to cheer the GOOP up. But did Apple really have to make Fishy sound like the ambassador to Nashville? We'll just call Nashville "Goopville" from now on!

The thing is, THIS BITCH actually thinks that she's helping the public at large with her words and tips of wisdom. If GOOP was called The Rich Ladies Guide To Being Better Rich Ladies and if Fishsticks pulled her head out of her GOOPHOLE to see how most of the world lives, I wouldn't have a problem with her ass. Bitch is out of touch.

In a recent edition of GOOP, Fishy wrote about how all of us should really do an after-holiday cleanse and then she recommended this bullshit product that cost $450!!!!! It's like this head-in-the-ass ho doesn't know that most people need that $450 to pay an overdue electric bill and buy a box of ramen noodles at Costco for the week. Not all of us can afford to shit for $450. If Fishy simply declared, "I'M RICH, I'M WHITE, I'M FAMOUS, I'M AN OSCAR WINNER, I'M BETTER THAN YOU AND I'M LOVIN' IT!", I'd join her fan club.

Oh, and because you needed to know, Fishy is best friends with Beyonce:

"In England, people are cool. They're really laid back and calm. Beyonce did the school run with me once, and everyone was fine. They also have really good anti-paparazzi rules. If you're driving in a car and they make you feel freaked out, that's against the law. They can't put you in a magazine unless they pixelate the kids' faces. I miss America, but I love living in the UK."

And the peasants groan.....