Gwyneth Paltrow

The Inception 2: The Dark Knight Rises trailer leaked this week, but the one trailer that has got me pressing the replay button like it's a G-spot is the one for Steven Soderbergh's unintentional (or totally intentional) remake of Outbreak called Contagion. Shit is about what would happen if a bird flu (probably from THIS bird) murdered most of the planet's population and blah..blah...blah. But way more importantly, we get to sit back and watch GOOP floppity flop flop to her death! To help Fishsticks get to that place, Steven Soderbergh told her to imagine Apple trying to cook a Stouffer's pizza in the wood-burning outdoor pizza oven in her garden. Aaaaand action!

Birds: 1 Fishies: 0

Answering the question, "Who in rich bitch hell works out on a treadmill on a yacht in the middle of the sea in Italy?", Fishsticks Paltrow sweat off her lunch of imported Swiss air and white swan eyelashes before slipping her double dollop of GOOP drops into a white bikini and playing in the ocean with her daughter Nectarine, her son Hosea, her brother Jake, her godfather Steven Spielberg and Kate Capshaw. Unfortunately, Fishy didn't fall off the yacht, develop a case of amnesia, get rescued by a trash boat and collected at the hospital by Kurt Russell who makes her take care of his boy brats, which teaches her a lesson about humility! Nope, that didn't happen.

You know what else didn't happen? SHARK ATTACK! That's not surprising, though, because no shark is going to fuck with her. If a shark wanted to bite something long, hard, white and GOOPY inside, it would eat a whale's dick since that shit doesn't leave an aftertaste of cold pretentiousness.

And I hate myself for getting a 2-second tingle while writing "long, hard, white and GOOPY inside."

Fishsticks Paltrow tells Johnathon Ross (via The Mirror) that if you put a can of Easy Cheese (or Slut Cheese as I call it) and a crack pipe in front of her and asked her to choose one, she'd make like Whitney Houston and let the white ghost in.

"I'd rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a can."

If Fishy's trying to get every crack dealer to change their occupation to spray cheese dealer, it's working. Of course, Fishy's crack comes from her private crackmonger Lionel who makes it with organic coca leaves from a small South American tribe you've never heard of and cooks it in a wood burning crack oven in his backyard. And when Fishy's not smoking crack out of a hand blown pipe from Portugal, she's boozing it up!

“I drink constantly while I’m cooking. Wine, either color."

While cooking up crack, I'm sure.

And now to stop my eyes from rolling (Yes, I can roll my eyes and type at the same time. It's my only skill.) after reading this insufferable bitch's words of pretension, I'm going to need to smoke dried squirt cheese out of a crack.

(Thanks Allen)

The only fat Fishsticks Paltrow approves of is the duck kind she uses to roast pink dolphin bone marrow and penguin meat for a dinner party with her close friends Jessica and Jerome Seinfeld, so one would expect her to raise her nose and get the gross shivers over a friend's fat stomach. Jenny Craig spokesperson Ross Matthews dropped 40 pounds of chunk in just a few months and says that the push to lose weight came from the cuntified words that jumped off the board of judgement in Fishy's mouth.

During a taping of Chelsea Lately last November, Fishy patted Ross on the stomach and said, "What's going on here? I love you. Get it together." If it was me, I'd pat that bitch on her mouth lips and tell her, "What's going on here? I hate you. Seal them together." But Ross, who is friends with Fishy, took her words to heart and started on the road to skinny with Jenny Craig's help. My eye balls rolled so many times that I think I have a six pack on my eye muscles now.

Ross tells People that he now exercises more and knows how to eat healthy. And Ross went on to say how Fishy responded to his new body, "I saw her when she was promoting her cookbook recently. She was so excited. She said, 'You look good!' The weight was such a shameful issue for me. I'm so happy to be rid of it."

Does Ross realize what he just did?! Those 40lbs Ross lost went straight to Fishy's obese ego. You know what they say: "A moment on GOOP, a lifetime on Fishy's ego*." But it's easy for her to judge. If all of us did a panda piss cleanse and a verbal colonic every other day, we too would have the body of a whale's skinny dick.

* Like the temple to GOOP Fishy is building on the shores of the Hamptons, that saying is a work in progress.

In honor of gay pride month, Our Lady of Self-Absorption Fishsticks Paltrow pressed pause on preaching to her GOOPers about the importance of having wood burning pizza ovens and $500 summer socks made from an alpaca's pubes to ask a few spiritual leaders what the other bible (the first being, GOOP) truly says about homosexuality. Yeah, when Fishy gets deep she always sounds like she's lived in a Baccarat crystal bubble in the middle of an Evian sea her whole life and has barely washed up on the shore of the real world. Like she's the Little Mermaid or some shit and is using GOOP to ask, "What's a fire and why does it - what's the word?" But I think Fishy's GOOP is in the right place this time and I actually learned something! Here's Fishy's intro:

Homosexuality in the Bible

A few months ago, in the heat of the tragic teen suicides that came about from intolerance of homosexuality, I saw a man on television who was apologizing for wishing death on gays from his facebook page. This member of an Arkansas school board was contrite for the violence in his words, but maintained that his values pertaining to homosexuality would remain, as he felt homosexuality was condemned in the bible. This concept, while foreign to me, is interesting, as it used to justify so much judgement and separation in our society. When my daughter came home from school one day saying that a classmate had two mommies, my response was, "Two mommies? How lucky is she?!" What does it actually say in the bible that will cause some people to be upset by my line of thinking?

Happy pride.

Love,
gp

Fishy really said "How lucky is she?", because she pictured herself as both moms. Now on to the shit that GOOP opened my mind to. Cynthia Bourgeault, an episcopal priest, wrote this about what the Old Testament says about gayness:

"How you answer this question depends hugely on what you take the bible to be. IF you believe that the bible is a single, timeless, internally consistent teaching on matters of human morality dictated by God himself, then yes, the Old Testament book of Leviticus is definitely uncomfortable with homosexuality. But it is also uncomfortable with menstruating women, shellfish and pigskin. (And for the record, it has some very harsh words to say about lending money at interest, a prohibition that even Biblical literalists seem to find it perfectly permissible to disregard!)

The only instruction manual on life I follow was written by Jackie Collins, so I've never really cared what the New and Old Testament had to say about how I should live mine, but PIGSKINS?!!! If they're talking about the football team, okay. But I have a feeling they're talking about pork rinds! And here I was thinking that the rest stop between here and heaven only carried pork rinds, Slim Jims and strawberry Shasta! I guess I have to bring my fucking own if that's where I'm going. Note to you: Bury me with a bag of pork rinds.

Click here if you want to read the rest of GOOP's long ass expose on homosexuality in the bible.

Oscar-winning actress, cookbook author, lifestyle deity, purveyor of knowledge, gangsta rapper, country music superstar, fashion icon, working mother, Martha Stewart's idol, outdoor pizza oven enthusiast and the pride of Britain... And now Gwyneth Paltrow can add "social network savior" to her flowing list of achievements. Fishsticks will take her oversharing to frightening new levels now that she has joined both Twitter and Facebook. Up until a few hours ago, Fishy left poking to the common folk and thought that hashtag was a smoking game her husband played by himself down in his man cave to deal with her ass on a daily basis. But Fishy's about to do a whole lot of both.

Fishy first Tweet came in the form of a video tour of her nostrils. Fishy is trying to make you think that the video is of her hailing a cab in NYC, but nope. She has ulterior motives. She's trying to let you know that this is what your nostrils should look like. If they don't, then you better gargle them out with flax seed oil and work on your yoga flares.

And there's a "like" button on Fishy's Facebook page as of right now, but don't think it'll be there for long. I mean, it's a given that you'll "like" everything she posts.

via Gawker

At the 6:23 mark above is the moment when Graham Norton asked hip hop aficionado and $725 tank top dress enthusiast Fishsticks Paltrow to lay out a little N.W.A. and she fucking did it. Rose Hills will be covered with even more hills tonight because Eazy-E will be rocking the hell out of his grave over an over-privileged princess snowflake rapping about Compton. And while making Friday, Ice Cube probably predicted that the Internet would become a place where sometimes GIFs made from movie clips are the only way to perfectly express one's feelings about foolery conducted by fools, because this sums up Fishy's rap skills.

It also sums up my feelings about Lady Caca looking Carol Burnett as Nora Desmond as one of Dracula's brides.

via Videogum

Because you get all your hangover cure tips from a pretentious praying(foryoutobeasperfectasheroneday) mantises who leave you reaching for a bottle of anything that's mind numbing, here's one from Fishsticks Paltrow! Fishy tells Closer Magazine (via UsWeekly) what she does after a night of boozing (like she really does that) so she doesn't feel like me after reading GOOP.

All you'll need is water (imported from a mountain range that's way better than the Alps), a private sauna and some envy tea!

"I have a great hangover cure. I take a cold shower in the morning and then I go into the sauna and drink a lot of water throughout the day. Green tea also helps!"

When Closer asked Fishy if it was okay to stick your face over a pot of water boiling on your hot plate if you don't have a sauna, she started blinking uncontrollably until an assistant had to come in and whisper in her ear that everything was going to be okay even if she was in the presence of a poor. If you don't have a private sauna, you shouldn't get drunk, thankyouvermuch!

And speaking from experience, the best thing for a hangover is to not read about Fishsticks Paltrow's hangover cures.

It's one thing for Beyonce to wrap herself in a gown that looks like it was made using the gilded sperm of Lumiere the Candlestick and the dusty ovaries of Babbette the Feather Duster, but it's another to stuff herself so tight that you can't even walk. Like an elephant dick in a guinea pig condom. Whenever Beyonce drags Jay-Z to events like last night's Costume Institute Gala at The Met, he always looks like those dudes you see holding their chick's purses outside of the ladies room with a perma-grimace on their face. And now she does this to him?!

Jay-Z and a helper had to physically help Beyonce up the stairs into the museum. If it was me, I would've knocked that ho to the floor and rolled her ass up the stairs. When we were getting ready to leave, I would've set up bowling pins at the bottom of the stairs, told Beyonce to hold her breath and then rolled her ass down hoping for a strike!

You can't even think about taking a piss in a satin sausage casing like that dress. If you even twitch your labia a bit, all the seams will come apart and you'd be all sorts of naked. It's not like 4 peons (or pee-ons, I should say) can prop Beyonce up on a toilet and guide-eth thee pee-eth stream down below. Beyonce could not pee. Because she could not pee, she could not drink any kind of booze. Because she could not drink one drop of booze while surrounded by a sea of perfumed assholes, she might as well have been in hell. Although, if you're an asshole amongst assholes, you probably don't care. Beyonce waddling around a museum is never the look.

Anyway, here's a bunch of hos who obviously asked themselves "Should I trip her? Should I trip her?" while Beyonce waddled by. In order (after Beyonce and Jay-Z): Gis Bundchen with a granola gayelle, a neon marker named Brooklyn Decker, Dakota Fanning, Elle Fanning, Salma Hayek, JLo with Skeletor, RiRipunzel, Madge, Fishsticks with Lea Michele, Sarah Jessica Parker with an Andy Cohen photo bomb and the First Lady of New York.

Before we go on, let me clarify to those of who don't know that "mutti" isn't a charming British nickname for Gwyneth Paltrow's down low Apple maker. Let's just get that straight, because that's what I thought at first. "Mutti" is apparently what some Germans call their abuelitas. Although, according to Fishsticks, her mutti was a real cunt (insert audience applause here). Fishy's never-ending book tour made a stop on Chelsea Lately last night, and the two started talking about their grandmas (at the 4:15 mark). Chelsea said hers was a real bitch and Fishy took off her "refined lady of the manor" act when she shot back and said hers was a real cunt.

Oh, Mutti Danner, I never got the chance to witness your cuntiness in all its glory, but I can say with complete confidence that I LOVE YOU. You will say the same thing to Mutti Danner's spirit when you read what Fishsticks had to say about her:

"She just hated my guts, basically, and she tried to poison my mother against me. She must not have been very happy and she must have had a lot of pain because she was as mean as hell."

Never mind that Fishy's fake ass is trying hard to out-shock Chelsea, but Mutti Danner was truly a magical woman who knew that the little girl before her would grow into a GOOP monster that would terrorize the world with her oven burning pizzas of pretentiousness.

That being said, it seems like Fishy's mutti never whooped her with a bag of Wonder Bread in the middle of a supermarket aisle nearly enough. I mean, if I EVER called my abuelita that word, it would be over for me. I wouldn't even call her a half-a-labia. Or a clitoris. Or anything other than "pleasenoabuelita."

Even if I called her that word today, the walls would shake, her spirit would take over my soul and I'd spend the rest of the day beating my nalgas with a torn off tree branch. Abuelitacism is a real thing and it's no joke. NO PRIEST CAN HELP YOU! Let's hope that Mutti Danner shows Fishy who the real cunt is by doing the same thing. And I bet Mutti Danner will force Fishy to beat herself her a plastic branch from a fake tree. That's the real burn.

via Daily Mail