Gwyneth Paltrow

Madonna recently said that her hubby, Guy Ritchie, went on the cookie diet which made him not want to do sexy times with her. COOKIE DIET?! It's not as good as it sounds. I mean, I'm already on the fucking cookie diet and I haven't lost any weight. My cookie diet involves eating as many boxes as you can in one day.

The real cookie diet sucks. You eat one meal per day and that's dinner. You eat up to six cookies per day when you're feeling hungry. Six cookies plus one meal of chicken or fish equals 800 calories. If you can only eat 6 cookies in one day, you have major issues.

Madonna said, "My husband went on that cookie diet and it was such a turn-off because he didn't want to have sex. He's not on it anymore, thank god! He did lose weight but he didn't really need to lose that much weight. I think he did it because all his friends were doing it and he wanted to see if he could do it."

Something tells me Guy only went on the cookie diet to avoid having to eat Madge's cookie.

Here's some pics of Vadge with the other fake Brit, Fishsticks, going to the gym together.

Fishsticks Paltrow was at a Breast Cancer Research event last night in NYC when she was asked about attending BeyBey's wedding to Jay-Z. The lying fishy answered, "What wedding? I was watching a movie on Friday night."

I can tell when Fishy lies. Her face scrunches up like a frigid, constipated trout. Oh, that's her regular face.

Here's more pics of Fishy looking like her mother's older sister last night with Liz Hurley. I also threw in a nearly perfect Padma Lakshmi.

Ashton Kutcher's 30th Birthday party at Socialista in NYC might have become a party for Hep instead! The New York City Health Department announced that a bartender at the joint tested positive for Hepatitis A. The bartender only worked three nights and one of those nights was February 7th, Ashton's Birthday party. The bartender also worked on the 8th and 11th. The Health Dept. has asked that everyone who attended the party get vaccinated right away.

Guests at Ashton's party included, Bruce Willis, Demi Moore, Madonna, Lucy Liu, Gwyneth Paltrow, Liv Tyler, Eric Dane, Rebecca Gayheart, Salma Hayek and Roberto Cavalli.

Hep A is less serious form of Hep and will usually keep you in bed for a couple of weeks, but you won't die. The bartender reportedly caught it on a recent trip to Honduras.

A celebrity Hep scare and Paris Hilton isn't to blame?! She must be kind of bummed.

This is why it's so hard to eat delicious snacks at a bar. I'm so afraid of catching Hep A, but I can't help it. The snacks are so tasty even if they have a coating of Hep! That's probably what keeps them crunchy.

Source - Image: INFDaily.com

Fishsticks Paltrow and her husband, Chris Martin, may adopt a baby soon. Fishy spoke out about it at Madonna's Malawi shindig last week. Fishy said, “People who have a lot also often feel like they have a lot to give. I have a good friend who always says that if you’re a person of means at all, then you have to adopt because there are so many kids in the world who need homes.”

When asked if she would adopt a baby from Malawi like Madonna, she responded, “we might get one from Brooklyn. No baby is more helpless than another baby. And I’m a New York girl.”

A New York girl?! There's so many things wrong with that statement. First of all, she hasn't been a NYC anything since she was the actual age of a girl. At least 10 years ago. Second of all, NYC girls don't speak with fake British accents! Third of all, didn't she grow up in California?

This English WOMAN needs to make up her mind!

Now that's a present I never want to open up. I do love Fishsticks Paltrow's dress. It's pink, it has a big bow and I'm gay, so it all works out. I think she made an adult-sized version of one of her daughter's dresses. She needs to return those shoes to the Nine West factory outlet when she's done with them.

Fishy came out for Madonna's Malawi event last night, but who didn't?

Splash, Wenn, Wireimage

Fishy Paltrow was out in NYC today recovering from her little mystery hospital visit. Well, for recovering from some mystery illness she sure is looking good. Her gills are freshly scrubbed and she's looking crunchy.

Oh and it sort of bothers me that she's carrying around that kind of mug on the street. I get pissed off when I see people walking around with drinking glasses like it's a plastic glass. They think they are high class or something. Those types of drink ware do not belong on public streets! This is a fact! Ask your mother.

UsWeekly reports that Fishsticks Paltrow has been admitted to Mount Sinai Hospital in NYC. A witness saw Fishsticks slumped over in a wheelchair and not looking well. She also had some organic food shit delivered to her. Fishsticks' husband, Chris Martin, reportedly spent the night with her in the hospital.

Her rep didn't want to talk about it though. "We are not commenting as it's a personal matter." You don't have to be so rude about it! Wait, is this one not knocked up? I've lost track as to who is carrying and who isn't. Fishsticks probably went in for a routine lipo job. Just don't go towards the light Fishy. I need you in my life. You're one of my favorite people to trash and if you went away, it would just be downright selfish.

And don't eat the beef! Seriously hospital beef is not right. Whatever the hell is in that beef goes straight from the operating room to the cafeteria. I'm not even lying.