Gwyneth Paltrow

While Apple and Moses Martin are eating the stuck cheese off of the McDonald's wrappers they smuggled into their bedrooms because they are HONGRAY, Goopy Paltrow is downstairs sharing a crystal goblet full of calorie-free organic air with a bunch of women who were too threatened by her to be her friend 14 years ago. Goopy tells Self Magazine (more like Self-Involved Magazine if Fishsticks is on the cover) that after Harvey Weinstein pretty much bought her an Oscar for Shakespeare in Love, women were too jealous of her power to be her friend. But now that she's more seasoned and has been through a lot (I'll wait here as you go and pick up the eyeball that rolled out onto the floor), women like Beyonce and Cameron Diaz want to be her friend. The Anne Hathaway of her time shat out this dingle of ridiculousness.

"I feel a sisterhood emerging around me. I’m less threatening now that I’m 40 and not 26-with-an-Oscar. They know I’ve been through a lot of pain and suffering – some public, some private – and I keep going. Or maybe it’s just that I was the first one who could afford therapy!"

Goopy really has been through a lot of pain and suffering! One time at a restaurant, she ordered a caviar-encrusted piece of raw bluefin tuna on a bed of cloud puree and the waiter brought her a caviar-encrusted piece of seared bluefin tuna instead. THE PAIN! Another time, she was watching a TV documentary on Ethiopia to get diet tips when a commercial for Pillsbury Crescent Rolls came on. THE SUFFERING! Goopy can't even look at processed carbs, that's how allergic to gluten she is. And let's not even get into the time she had to rip her wood-burning pizza oven out because her weekday nanny put a DiGiorno in there. She has been through a lot!

And Goopy only has friends like Beyonce and Cameron Diaz now, because all the insufferable and pretentious crap that comes out of her mouth makes them feel humble and sane by comparison.

via The Daily Mail 

GOOPY Paltrow's last cookbook was a vomit-inducing gourmet treasure trove of pretentious fuckery (example: "One evening when I had my wood-burning stove going I realized I hadn't thought of dessert.") and for her second cookbook, It's All Good, she put the wood-burning stove away and is getting into her food allergies instead.

It seems like it was just yesterday (it practically was) when GOOPY was bragging about how she eats anything she wants and now she's saying she can barely eat anything. GOOPY writes that one day she was serving lunch in the garden and she started to feel the same way I feel when I read GOOP:

"One sunny afternoon in London, in the spring of 2011, I thought — without sounding overly dramatic — that I was going to die. I had just served lunch in the garden at home. I had a vague feeling that I was going to faint, and I wasn't forming thoughts correctly. I got a searing pain in my head, I couldn't speak, and I felt as if I couldn't breathe. I thought I was having a stroke."

She went to the doctor and he told her it was just her brain trying to escape from her head again. No, he told her that she was severely anemic and had a vitamin D deficiency. After that, she cleansed herself of all the delicious things I shove down my eating hole on a daily basis: coffee, booze, sugar, potatoes, wheat and meat. GOOPY also found out that her husband Chris Martin and her two kids, Apple and Moses, are gluten intolerant, so she doesn't given them any pasta, bread, rice, sugar, dairy or chicken eggs. They basically eat heirloom kale seeds and drink fair trade dew drops imported from Holland.

"Every single nutritionist, doctor and health-conscious person I have ever come across . . . seems to concur that (gluten) is tough on the system and many of us are at best intolerant of it and at worst allergic to it. Sometimes when my family is not eating pasta, bread or processed grains like white rice, we’re left with that specific hunger that comes with avoiding carbs."

You know how some kids of celebrities grow up and get really into the bad shit and get arrested for all sorts of shit? Well, that could happen to Apple and Moses but instead of snorting Lohan powder, they're going to snort sugar and instead of getting arrested for drug possession, they're going to arrested for devouring donuts in the grocery story aisles before paying for that shit. They're gonna go full Little Chrissy.

via The Daily Mail 

Cameron Diaz is single, hops from dude to dude and spends her money on booze, pussy lube, booze, pussy lube, booze, pussy lube and booze that doubles as pussy lube. I think I speak for all of us when I say that we don't see any problems with this. But I guess Cameron Diaz wants to grow as a person or whatever, so she's asked GOOPY Paltrow to be her life coach, because if anybody knows how to rid the shit from your life, it's her. GOOPY Paltrow is practically a human colonic. Also, when you ask GOOPY to be your life coach, be prepared to escort "Fun" to your front door and hug it while saying, "Fun, I probably won't see you for a while, but it's been you. Try not to have too much YOU without me. Bye, girl."

The Sun says that Cameron thinks she's having some kind of mid-life crisis, so she asked GOOPY to sort her life out. GOOPY showed up to Cameron's house and after she poured all the booze into the sink and threw away all the bottles of pussy lube, she put a CLOSED sign over Cameron's sex parts. GOOPY banished the dick from Cameron's cooch for a full year. The source put the sad news like this:

“Gwyneth’s sorted out everything from finances to hooking her up with her trainer. She has also forced her to swear off sex for a year, saying men distract her focus.”

Having seen The Green Hornet, I know that Cameron makes a lot of bad decisions and maybe she should settle down a bit, but taking a sabbatical from peen for a whole year?! How in the hell is that going to help her to focus? That's going to make things worse. When Cameron is chanting with the Dalai Lama and GOOP in the mountains of Thailand, it's going to be really awkward when she stops OM-ing to ask one of the monks if he wants to go behind a rock for a quickie since she hasn't been laid in 6 months and her coochie has gone into starvation mode. When Cameron is training with Tracy Anderson, it's going to really ruin their workout when she starts humping one of Tracy's arms since Tracy's arm looks like an extra veiny dick shaft. Any doctor will tell you that quitting dick cold turkey is not recommended. You have to wean off the peen.

Just look at me, I have involuntarily quit the dick and it took me 20 minutes to write that last sentence, because I was too distracted with window shopping for uncut peen on Google Images.

Well, look who's dropping a deuce new cook book on April 2nd! It should be on April 1st since you would have to be an April Fool to buy this shit. It's Goopy McPoopy, aka Gwyneth Paltrow, once again hammering us commoners in the head with the fact that we'll never be as good, beautiful, or fabulous as she is. In her new book called It's All Good, or formally It's All Good: Delicious, Easy Recipes That Will Make You Look Good and Feel Great (but not as great as me, ever, fucking plebes), Gwyneth condescends to give her recipes for things like Hummus Tartine with Scallion-Mint Pesto, Salmon Burgers with Pickled Ginger, and Freshly Clubbed Antarctic Baby Seal with Roasted Organic White Truffle and Crushed Blood Diamond Sauce. Maybe I made that last one up.

None of that shit sounds easy to me, so this has me thinking that I should come out with my own cookbook. Something like A Lazy Hor's Guide To The Kitchen, featuring recipes for Beefaroni, Hamburger Helper, Easy Mac, Microwave TV Dinners and Pizza Hut. Step 1: open can. Step 2: heat and eat! Bonus: my recipes won't leave you terrified to step away from the toilet for hours on end (in fact they often have the opposite effect), and even my broke ass can afford it. You're welcome!

You can read more about her book on Amazon and how these recipes are a product of some sadistic ass doctor's recommendation that she go on an elimination diet featuring no coffee, no alcohol, no sugar...okay, just stop right there. I thought this food was supposed to make me feel GOOD, not depressed.

I apologize if that headline gave you the image of GOOPY Paltrow tossing Chris Martin's salad under the chef's table at the Michelin-starred, members-only, ultra exclusive Chez de Biteme in the Cuntrose section of London.

Gwyneth Paltrow is still trying to make everyone think that she eats more than a sliver of pink dolphin ovaries and air imported from the top of the Pyrenees every day. During an episode for Jamie Oliver and Jimmy Doherty's new show, Jamie and Jimmy's Food Fight, GOOPY is challenged to a mouth-stuffing contest after she says that she hasn't met a man she can't out-eat (COMING SOON TO BRAVO: Gwyneth Paltrow and John Travolta's Wiener Eating Contest Extravaganza!). Jamie put a bunch of marshmallows on the table and dared her to put marshmallow after marshmallow in her mouth and to say "Chubby Bunny" after each delicious cloud of sugar goes into her mouth. This is what happened:

Never mind that "Chubby Bunny" is totally going to be the name of Jamie Oliver's next kid, this makes me like GOOPY for at least five seconds. Yes, those marshmallows are made of diamond dust and cost $75 each, and yes she spit them out into her minion's palm after the cameras shut off, but this is sort of endearing. I like seeing GOOPY with her mouth stuffed with so many marshmallows that she can barely spit out words. It's a good look on her.

And I believe GOOPY when she says she can out-eat anybody. Any man, woman or child who sits across the table from her immediately loses their appetite.

via Daily Mail 

When it's your birthday, the office manager at your job pulls out a card from a stack of birthday cards they bought on clearance at Big Lots, gets your co-workers to stop playing Solitaire for a second to sign it and then they give it to you with a Zinger from the vending machine and a $5 gift certificate to Gloria Jean's (not even Starbucks!). That's if you're lucky. But if you're Beyonce and it's your second time turning 31, your friends, family, Basement Baby and your stalker named Gwyneth Paltrow all handwrite you birthday notes that get plastered all over your website. On this special BeyDay, a bunch of the people who are lucky enough to bask in light that glows from her halo wrote messages on an Internet wall of birthday wishes to her. It would've been more subtle if they all lined up and took turns licking her ass.

I'm guessing that Fishsticks Paltrow made her maid write this message to Bey while she hand stitched a wig of imported French yak hair for her best friend, because that writing! It's trash! I refuse to believe that's the handwriting of a fine British lady like Fishsticks. Fishsticks only handwrites with a swan feather dipped in liquefied onyx and that doesn't look like ye old calligraphy to me. However, the whole "on the occasion of her 31st birthday" did make me roll my eyes to the left to the left, so maybe it's Fishsticks after all.

And when I didn't see a birthday message from Kim Kardashian, I figured that she's still pissed at Beyonce for ignoring her this weekend. But then I remembered that Kim can't read let alone write.

via People

Since Fishsticks Paltrow is a stalker with means, she's been following Jay-Z and Kanye's tour throughout the UK and Europe, and has been documenting all the shows she goes to on her Twatter page to remind all of us that she's best friends with Beyonce. When Fishy Tweeted the above picture of herself, The Dream and Ty Ty watching Jay-Z's show in Paris and wrote the note "Ni**as in paris for real" over it, a wave of side-eyes came at her. Some didn't think it was cute that Fishy referred to two black men in Paris as "Ni**as in paris for real." Some defended Fishy's ass by saying she was only quoting the song. It's a cuntroversy (not really)!

Fishy's dumb ass later went back on Twitter and said she was just quoting the song.

The "for real" is what makes Fishy's Tweet a for real mess. Bitch should just let her GOOP writers write her Tweets too, because when they stick a freshly moisturized with dolphin milk foot in their mouths, they do it without using the n-word. But seriously, Fishy didn't have to lie by saying she was quoting the song. She wasn't quoting the song. The asterisks in "Ni**as" aren't covering two Gs, they're covering one N. Blue Ivy Carter and Apple Martin were backstage at the show in Paris and since Fishy is an official Spaniard, she calls them "niñas." Niñas in Paris. That's what she really meant. DUH!

Here's Fishy's best friends Beyonce and Jay-Z leaving their hotel in Paris with world champion breath holder BIC.

Courtney Love talked to Grub Street about food (yeah, I don't know either) and said that chocolate is too average for her and she's traded mainlining heroin for mainlining sugar at 4 in the morning. Courtney also dropped a dingle that you can slip right into the "That's Our GOOP!" file. Courtney is trying to get back into acting and when she told her friend Fishsticks Paltrow this, she was met with a judgmental look down and some advice wrapped in organic bitchiness:

Sometimes I forget to eat. Right now I'm 125 pounds and five foot, eleven inches, but my "rock weight" was 160. I think I'm a sexy beast at 160, but Gwyneth is the one who told me that if you want to act, and I do want to get back to acting, "You are your own advertisement."

Oh, and the funny thing is Courtney lost some chunk on a fish sticks and lemon water diet.

I once lost a ton of weight from a fish-sticks-and-lemon-water diet. That's how I started my own band; I had to lose all that weight first, apparently. Anyway, I love lemon water; it's the key to life.

I'm pretty sure "fish sticks" and "lemon water" is code for breaded heroin needles and meth pipe water. My idea of a Fishsticks diet is reading GOOP until I barf up everything but my stomach lining.

Fishy is right about the "own advertisement" thing. I mean, she's obviously a walking advertisement for pretentious cunts and she does it so well. But Fishy needs to stop trying to change Courtney. Courtney is a stumbling advertisement for sloppy, crazy, delusional messes and if she changed herself who will sloppy, crazy, delusional messes look up to? Don't make them look up to White Oprah. That's just cruel...even for Fishsticks.

Here's Fishy looking like Judy Jetson as a slutty nurse at the Met Ball last night. That weeping side-tit tells me she's advertising bras or Cisco Adler's saggy nutacks. Unfortunately, Courtney didn't show up to the Met Ball last night, because she got into a fight with her dress on Twitter. No, Court's dress isn't on Twitter, but don't tell her that. But Court was there in cracked out spirit thanks to Cocoa Rocha (who did not do Elizabeth Taylor's old suit justice) and Chloe Sevigny.

Point A on the Google map above is the Stella McCartney store in West Hollywood and if you drag your eyes all the way across the street, stop to drop some water in them, drag them more, stop to wipe off the peon breath with a Chanel baby wipe and keep going, you'll eventually land on point B, Madeo's in West Hollywood. I know, can you believe they're in the same city?!!!!!. (Your eyeballs might need to catch a few breaths after going on that long journey, so take all the time you need before moving on.) If we can barely make that Lawrence of Arabia-like trek with our eyes, how can anyone expect cuntress of her own universe, Fishsticks Paltrow, to make that same journey in real life and on foot?! We shouldn't and that's why I do not appreciate this story from Page Six.

After the party for Paul McCartney's new video, a bunch of guests including Miranda Kerr, Jane Fonda, Orlando Bloom and Amy Smart walked 0.06 miles to have dinner together at Madeo's. As those suckers walked on the dirty sidewalk, Fishy and her asshole husband Chris Martin were chauffeured there in a Lincoln Town Car. Apparently, the car ride took all of 10 seconds.

Page Six thinks this is funny, because Fishy tries to be some kind of environmentalist and has done green public service announcements in the past. To which I say, um, Fishy does care about the environment. She protected the environment in the bubble that surrounds her and that's honestly the only environment we should care about.

Do you know what could've happened if Fishy went on the 3 minute-long walk all the way to Madeo's? She could've walked by a poor eating McDonald's. What if the poor coughed and she accidentally inhaled its McDonald's-infused breath? She would've had to go on a cleanse for at least 389 days to get the toxic-ness out of her pure system? Sure, her slaves could've carried her on a Versace throne, but what if a non-organic leaf from a non-organic tree brushed her face? Think of all the crushed diamond facials she would have to go through to get her face skin back to its pristine state? And Fishy can't set foot on a public sidewalk unless it's been power washed with Voss.

So really, Fishy did do her part for our (not her) environment. Think of all the diamonds and glass Voss bottles that were spared from her taking that ride in a Town Car. Speaking of, she took a TOWN CAR! Do they even make those in Europe? I swear, what more do you monsters want from this woman?

Bitches are just jealous because her carbon footprint was made with a Louboutin. Stay hating, poor whores. Stay. Hating.

To celebrate her fourth wedding anniversary with the world, Beyonce opened the doors to her Tumblr Shrine to Beyonce today and gave you the gift of HER!!!! I see Beyonce trying to outshine the resurrection of Jesus. Beyonce's Tumblr has a video (above) of her going on about some blue ivy tree (Fun Fact: That tree was later cut down and the wood was used to make the Blue Ivy decoy doll Beyonce carries around.) and then there's dozens of pictures of her being fancy and rich and shit.

There's Beyonce on a yacht. There's Beyonce posing in front of Basement Baby's front door. There's Beyonce posing in front of bottles of diamond water. There's Beyonce on a private jet, and finally there's Beyonce in front of a MaybachRollsRoyceBentleyWhatever. My eyes did start to slightly turn green like Beyonce's Tumblr was Samantha Brick and I was a homely ass woman, but then I came across a picture of Beyonce with GOOP. Travel on the East River Ferry or travel on a private yacht with GOOP? I'll take the East River Ferry. GOOP is a deal breaker.