Gwyneth Paltrow

Fishsticks Paltrow is at it again. She already told the haters of GOOP to fuck off. And now she's saying that the whores who hate it, just don't understand IT.

The New York Times wrote up on article about how GOOP was basically a bunch of pretentious fish caca. At some event last night, Fishy defended her GOOP again to People, "I think the people who are criticizing it or criticizing the idea of it, don't really get it, because if they did, they would like it. There's nothing incendiary about it. I find it really interesting because it's a harmless newsletter that goes out each week."

I GET IT, BITCH! Now get this: FUCK OFF. Seriously, the people who do actually get it are probably the ones who can't stand that mess. I get it loud and clear. If you don't buy $20,000 purses and eat organic tree bark, then you're not worthy. This is what is so effed up about this ho. She can't understand that people just don't like something she does. I just want to smack her in her smug face with CHERYL BURKE'S mop head!

Look at Fishy's face. Don't you just want to smoosh it up into little balls, throw those balls into a deep fryer, pour some tartar sauce all over that shit and then chuck them at seagulls flying by?! And her words even make me want to do more horrible things. Every time I read something she says, the Chris Brown in me rises up and I have to go beat one of my dildos (and not in a sexay way).

I know, two Fishsticks Paltrow posts in a row, but these fugly leather diapers can't get away. They look like they're ready for a big, hot load of GOOP to drop right in them. Bitch has pancake crotch.

The last time I saw shorts like this was on a leather daddy who smartly accessorized with a harness, combat boots, a dog collar and a ball gag. That's what was missing from this retina-burning ensemble: a ball gag in Fishy's mouth! That would make me stand up, clap and fart out a GOOP nugget out of sheer happiness!

EVIL SQUARED! Fishsticks Paltrow on Cuntplay's Grammy win:

"I was over the moon because those guys work so hard. They're so, so dedicated, and they bleed, sweat and cry to get it all perfect."

The things I hate the most are together and it hurts. The only thing that could make this worse is if Fishy, Katherine HAGel and CHERYL BURKE said this quote in unison while wearing Crocs in front of a mountain of UGGS. If that happened, a black hole under my chair would open up and suck me into the depths of Hell.

And when fugly Fishy makes her way over the moon again, can she take this milk with her? Tell her it's organic and made from GOOP. It will fit perfectly down her throat, so it will be easy to transport. I measured.

(Thanks Michele & Linda)

The queen of everything good and goopy isn't interested in walking the red carpet with her husband Chris Martin, because she's better than that. It was whispered that Fishsticks Paltrow and her twin cunt husband were supposed to hold clammy hands and walk the Grammy carpet together. This didn't happen and when asked about it, Fishy told Roger Friedman's FoxNews, “It’s cheesy. I mean, who wants to live like that?” Bitch, who wants to live like you?! Stupid ass.

You hear that Brangelina and every other couple in Hollywood? Fishy thinks you're an unwrapped slice of Kraft cheese. Yeah, you're not even organic and of the earth. You're filled with preservatives and you're best served microwaved over a plate of saltines. Mmm....delicious

This is a fucking toilet full of hot laughs, because Fishy is the biggest cheese ball in all the land. This hag is an even bigger cheese ball than the one permanently taking space under Joaquin Phoenix's peen skin. I mean, GOOP, Shakespeare in Love, THAT DRESS! All those things can be found at your local Hickory Farms.

The broad on the right is Mary Kate Hearon and she claims soggy Fishsticks Paltrow's GOOP is just a bootleg version of her newsletter The Weekly Beet. Page Six says that on her Facebook page, Mary told her friends that Fishy straight up copied her newsletter about eating seeds and pooping on banana leaves. Mary said she actually introduced Fishy to her newsletter a few years ago, because she knew she was into that grass-loving crap.

Mary went on to yap that she eventually met up with Fishy and surprise, surprise, she was a total organic cunt. Mary said Fishy "was sooooooo nasty to me, it was scandalous! Chris Martin, the utmost gentleman, stood to shake my hand, but she smirked and was silent when I asked how her dinner was . . . I never thought in a million years she'd . . . create her own site very similar to The Weekly Beet . . . Goop has the therapies I've tried, the foods I love, the detoxes that work! A lot of the same stuff!"

Fishy's friend said that Mary is vomiting up lies, because they have never even met.

You know, I think everyone in the world should consider suing Fishy. We need to have a meeting with Larry H. Parker. I mean, most of our assholes have been spewing out POOP for years and years. Class action lawsuit alert!

This is just one of the many barf-inducing bowls of grossness that Fishsticks Paltrow will serve up in her new macrobiotic cookbook. The shit book will be published next year under the title "My Father's Daughter" and will focus on "the importance of togetherness at mealtime, emphasising that cooking for your family is the ultimate expression of love."

Personally, I like to celebrate togetherness by gathering around a buffet of carbohydrates filled with preservatives and bashing Fishsticks' mega snobbery with fellow haters. That sounds like the ultimate expression of love to me.

If you want a Goop experience, then save your coins and don't buy Fishy's book. Instead, take equal parts of delusion, narcissism and fakery, stir in a big bowl using the stick up Fishy's ass. Then swallow the mixture. Wait 30 minutes, then vomit it all up into a bowl. Sprinkle some ORGANIC flax seeds on top and serve with a smug ass smile. There you go! You've got yourself a Fishsticks-approved bowl of poopy GOOP!

Here's the GOOPess herself looking like a dried-up fishstick while being miserable in London yesterday.

Today's dartboard comes courtesy of Fishsticks Paltrow on the cover of Elle Magazine. Make sure you aim for the mouth, because that bitch needs to stop using it to whine. Inside the magazine, Fishy says she doesn't understand why people hate GOOP so much!

Fishy opened up her tartar-covered lips and told the magazine (via OK! Magazine), "Fuck the haters! I saw this blog of people writing horrible things about me and, for a second, your ego is so wounded. How could people hate me, my intentions or what I'm trying to do? I'm a good person and I'm trying to put good things into the world. I'm probably less square than people think. I never get drunk to the point of throwing up. But I get very talkative. Man, I wish smoking didn't kill you. I'd be smoking right now. I miss it."

Fishy actually said "Fuck the haters"? Ugh. She's so hardcore. I bet she said it in a shitty British accent, with her nose up in the air, her ass clenched and a cup of ORGANIC tea in her hand (with her pinky out, of course).

I thought eating grass and shitting herbal water is supposed to make you all Zen-like and smiley happy? Saying "Fuck the haters" isn't very GOOPY. This fake ass bitch needs to drink an ice cold glass of preservatives with two shots of vodka, so she can get wasted and lighten up. She wonders why people hate her ass?! Does she even read GOOP?! Yeah, recommending $3,000 bags and detoxes that will make you caca out all your insides isn't good. IT'S SHIT!

And as one of the haters Fishy is talking about, I'll give her a "Fuck you, cunt!" right back. She can stick that in her GOOP.

Thanks Caroline

Nobody makes me want to do harm to my laptop monitor the way Fishsticks Paltrow does. But I have to take a deep breath, stuff an Oreo Cakester in my mouth and realize it's just the messenger. I really should torture a big plate of Gorton's.

So, you know what Fishy thinks of those who don't like her big, steaming pile of maggot covered poop called GOOP? She feels sorry for you. It gets better. She said, "I think part of the problem is people get a hit of energy when they are negative about something, and it is a very detrimental way for them to get that hit of energy. They do not understand why they do not have a happy life. That kind of stuff is just noise to me. I just feel sorry for them."

All the energy I get from absolutely despising this hag isn't going to help me pull the stick lodged in her tight ass, because it's there forever. And the stick is who I feel sorry for the most. That stick has to put up with her runny caca for the rest of its days. Her asshole could bawl brown tears every second of the day from her stupid ass detoxing and that stick would still not fall out.

And let me just sprinkle a little more of her pretentious butt nuggets on you. When asked why she decided to start a newsletter where she can talk about drinking a half-cup of castor oil to get the shit going and her favorite $10 million cashmere toe covers, she said, "I have this incredible, blessed, sometimes difficult, very lucky, very unique life, and I've gotten to travel all over the place and to work and live in different cities. … I go on tour with my husband and go to cities I would never necessarily go to. So I started accruing all of this information. I am the person my friends call when they want to know: "I am redoing this bathroom, and I want a sink that looks midcentury, but a contemporary version of a midcentury. Where should I go?" or "How do I make your (recipes)?" … I thought this would be a fun, creative way to share with friends."

Oh. My. God. For someone who promotes eating seeds and grass to stay healthy, this bitch really makes me want to eat a jumbo bowl of sugar, preservatives and fat. And that's what I'm going to do right now to keep me from strangling an innocent fishstick.

I'm gayer than a pink princess gerbil cage, but I loooooove chichis. Adore them. When I retire, I want to spend the rest of my days nuzzled between Aretha Franklin's Appalachian tittays. So if Fishy ever grew a pair, I'd notice them right away. Some obviously blind bitches think she might have had some breasts put in, because she looks "bigger" on the cover of Gotham Magazine.

One titty expert told Page Six, "She didn't use to have anything up top. Now she does, and they are perky." Another ho said they recently saw a screening of her movie Two Lovers where she slips a tit and described her boob as that "of a 15-year-old girl."

Um. I think they met 15-year-old boy. My chichis are most luscious than Fishy's. Maybe all the goop in her system settled in the chest area, so it looks a tad fuller. I'm sure it will seep out of her ass when she does her monthly Master Cleanse.

There's been a few internet whispers (and shouts) that Fishsticks Paltrow's marriage to that cunt who sings in Coldplay is crumbling into the toilet. Fishy has shrugged it off, calling it all lies, lies, lies. Lies filled with lots of preservatives!

Well, some friend (yeah, some friend!) is telling Gatecrasher that Fishy's marriage is nowhere near perfect, but she's trying hard to keep it together. Wasn't this a blind item....?

The friend says that Fishy is staying in London with her husband until the holidays are over. They are "holed up" in their home to try and work things out.

How is being holed up with Fishy a good thing for their marriage? No junk TV. No junk food. No junk words. No junk porn. No junk nothing. Just organic everything. I'm shocked Cunt Martin hasn't drowned in the GOOP constantly pouring out of Fishy's mouth hole.

The friend went on to blab that Vadge is one of the major problems in their marriage. Apparently, Fishy is all up on Vadge and wants to crawl inside her roided-up pussay so that she can be close to her forever and ever. Basically. The friend said, "Gwyneth has the Madonna bug... bad. It's eerie. Gwyneth acts normally until Madonna comes around, and then Gwyn is all about Madonna, all the time. Madge has even introduced Gwyneth to all her friends. Now instead of going to see Chris perform, she'd rather hang out with people like Alex Rodriguez and Ingrid Casares."

Fishy and Vadge's spokeswhores have both denied this shit.

Methinks the "Madonna bug" is what Guy Ritchie suffered from. The proper medical term is Nonutsitis. A-Rod also has it. It's when you go out of your way to make Vadge happy. Fishy just needs to get herself a pair of Neuticles and she'll be free of that bug!

Seriously, Vadge isn't the problem. The problem is that the marriage between a big sloppy cunt and a soggy old stick of fish can't work! It sounded good on paper, but in real life, it was doomed from the beginning.