Gwyneth Paltrow

To Goopy Paltrow, being at the Met Gala was a lot like being trapped in the wet, hot fart of a poor person who just ate cheap Mexican food. She hated almost every second of it. Well, the feeling might've been mutual. People at the Met Gala hated Goopy being there as much as she did. The National Enquirer says that Goopy wasn't lying when she said she was hot, because apparently her pits were as juicy and moist as a roasted organic quail coming out of her $50,000 La Cornue’s Grand Palais oven. Some source tells The National Enquirer that Goopy's pits don't lie:

“Poor Gwyneth looked picture-perfect, but it must have been the hot lights that caused her to be a little strong on the nose. It was pretty pungent, and I don’t think she had a clue. I saw at least two people wave their hands in front of their noses after passing her.”

One of Goopy's friends said that she doesn't use deodorant, because she read that the aluminum in some deodorants can increase your chances of getting breast cancer. So she uses that crystal rock crap and other stuff instead.

This entire story has almost made me put my bong away for the weekend, because the thought of people plugging their nose while walking by Goopy has taken me up, up, up and away! But the truth is, the middle-class and the bougies just aren't used to smelling the scent of the blue blood royals. Goopy's pit stank probably smells like platinum bullion, Yangtze River dolphin queefs, red diamond dust, slightly seared Kobe beef and a hint of organic Saffron.

Of course the middle-class and bougies wouldn't understand her natural aroma. They just don't have the noses for it. It's kind of like when Goopy let her laundress taste the coagulated jizz balls of white tigers she had imported in from Bengal. Goopy's laundress spit it out and Goopy patted her on the back while saying, "It's okay, it's not your fault you were born with that palate." So Goopy doesn't hate those bitches who said she stank up the room. It's not their fault they were born with the nasal palate of an ordinary peasant.

Here's musty Goopy and Chris Martin leaving some party she threw in London the other night.

Goopy Paltrow is still crapping at the mouth about the Met Gala and she'll keep crapping at the mouth about the Met Gala until it's time for next year's Met Gala, so she can crap at the mouth about it some more. We already know that Goopy would rather blow crack smoke up into the Mayor of Toronto's ass than go to the Met Gala again, because she told everyone not once, but twice. But she didn't say how much she hated the Met Gala in this week's Goop.

Goopy talks about getting ready for the Met Gala and instead of writing, "I should've just worn a Hefty bag so I would've fit in with all the other trash there," she sort of gushed about all the fashion. Goopy said before that everyone at the Met Gala was a little "too old to dress punk," but in this week's Goop she was farting out a different tune:

The Met Ball, at NYC's Metropolitan Museum of Art, is always the year's most elaborate display of incredible fashion and this year was no different. The theme was 'Punk: Chaos to Couture' and when the house of Valentino's Pierpaolo Piccioli and Maria Grazia Chiuri asked me to join them, I was thrilled to see what they would create with my right fashion hand, Elizabeth Saltzman.

We got all inspired in the goop office about punk making a comeback through subtle influence and thus, we asked one of my absolute favorite websites, the most excellently curated SSENSE, to show us how we could work it into our spring/summer wardrobes.

In the parlor at the House of the Death Eaters, Anna Wintour temporarily stopped sucking the youth out of a 12-year-old model's mouth, picked up the phone, dialed the number to one of her minions and said, "You can tell every designer to un-blacklist that Goopy bitch now. Actually, wait a couple of days. My nips are getting hard just thinking about her getting kicked out Bergdorf's. Blehehehehee."

In her 5,902,487th interview of the month, Goopy Paltrow tells USA Today that she knows the stick shoved up her ass is a "lightning rod" and people constantly "project a lot of stuff" onto her. She doesn't ready any of that stuff, because it's none of her business. Goopy gets that people think she's too privileged, but she's just a woman with real problems. Goopy's not perfect and she has suffered in her life. Goopy does have a point. I mean, one time her laundress used Palmolive to wash her 22k white gold thread sheets. Goopy didn't know about it until she had already used those sheets. She spent hours scrubbing the average out of her pristine skin with a sponge made from the fur of a wild baby boar. That is SUFFERING!

When Goopy started complaining about how tired she is, USA Today's writer stroked the softest parts of her ego a bit by asking her how is it possible for her to look so fresh the morning after the Met Gala? Goopy spat this out:

"Are you crazy? I'm like RuPaul! I have so much makeup on. Foundation! Last night, I was literally a transvestite."

Either English professor Rachel Zoe taught Gwyneth Paltrow what the definition of "literally" is or she's trying to tell us that she's got a flaccid, pasty, pencil dick hanging between her legs. Whatever the case may be, she's offending "transvestites" everywhere, because no transvestite I've seen would ever go outside looking that bland, basic and boring.

And I have only one response to her "I'm like RuPaul" comment:

Play it again, because that comment deserves a double slap.

While getting drunk with Australian radio hosts Kyle and Jackie O at a dinner in NYC the other night, Goopy Paltrow continued to whine about how the Met Gala sucked (translation: if she wanted to be around that much down river trash, she would've went to Arby's), was too crowded (translation: full of Z-list gutter whores) and she also said that they're all too old to be dressing punk (translation: She knows she looked like a hot pink skid mark and she was jealous of Madge's old ass). Goopy then told Kyle and Jackie O that the melodramatic tantrum queen that is Kanye West threw a little hissy fit during his performance, because Kanye is Kanye and his heart will stop beating if he doesn't act like a twat at least once a day:

"Kanye West was playing and he was all furious and he threw his microphone down and it was all drama. I don't know why."

"I don't know why..." Um, because Kanye is always a glum cunt (copyright: Mad Mel Gibson) and freaks out over everything. He probably yells at his shits when they're not shaped right. And he yells at his peen when it doesn't cum while he's fapping in the mirror. Then when he does cum, he yells at his cum, because if it wasn't for his cum he would've never knocked up a Kartrashian.

If only gravity was random.... If it was, that mic would've bounced back up and hit him in the face. It would've been yet another point for inanimate objects.

And if you want to hear Goopy talk about her vagina looking like that of an 8-year-old, here's her full talk with Kyle and Jackie O.

via UsWeekly

If you've ever wanted to go to the Met Gala, you're crazy. But if you're going to go, go next year, because it's going to be GOOP-free! Goopy Paltrow told USA Today in so many words that she'd rather smoke non-organic crack out of a Dollar Tree crack pipe while giving herself a Mountain Dew enema on a pile of t-shirts from The Gap than go to the Met Gala again. Goopy barfed out this crap nugget:

"I'm never going again. It was so un-fun. It was boiling. It was too crowded. I did not enjoy it at all."

Since I write about Goopy nearly every second of the damn day, I practically speak fluent GOOP. What she's really saying is, "I'm totally going next year, because that low-rent event needs me and I can write it off as charity. It was so bougie. The bougie sweat so much and I refused to breathe, because I didn't want to inhale their nasty bougie sweat fumes! There was so much trash there too! For a second I thought they invited my weekend maid, but then she told me her name was Minka Kelly and that's not my weekend maid's name. The only time I enjoyed myself was when my sister from another mister, Beyonce, and I sat on this abandoned, lumpy sofa and made fun of all the poors in off-the-rack dresses."

Goopy Paltrow doesn't need to stroke the shaft of her own ego when the voices in her head can do it for her. Goopy already told the world that her friend told her that she has the ass of a 22-year-old stripper and now she's telling the world that journalists told her that Pepper Potts needs her own movie. The journalists really said, "Ugh, you ruined the movie!," but Goopy heard, "Oh, you need your own movie!"

At a press conference for Iron Man 3, Babble (via UsWeekly) reports that Goopy told reporters that she's happy she got to finally wear an Iron Man suit and do stunts. Goopy says that some journalists really loved seeing her in the suit and told her that Pepper Potts should get her own movie.

I loved it so much. You know, I was getting kind of like, come on, guys. Pepper, like, let’s- come on, like, all these boys are flying around doing all this fun stuff, and I loved how patient and kind and sweet Pepper is. But when I read this script, I was like, “oh yeah!” She’s in the suit and flying around, and I loved doing the stunts. As I said, I really had never done anything like that before and it was really fun. I felt like I should’ve been doing this my whole life. It’s like, “why am I doing all these period films. it’s so boring.”

The nice thing is that everybody’s sort of been very sweet about Pepper in this movie, like all the journalists who came in. They were like, “oh my God, you have to have your own movie,” because in the comics, Pepper gets her own suit, and she becomes a character called Rescue. They’re like, we need a Rescue movie, and I’m like, okay, well, I’d better hit the gym.

If only the gym could hit her instead. I mean, when is she not in the gym?  I bet that during that entire press conference, she was doing butt crunches with the help of a tiny Buttmaster shoved between her ass cheeks. How do you think she got that 22-year-old stripper ass?

You know, a Pepper Potts movie isn't a bad idea. I'm all for a Pepper Potts movie, but only if they drop her in a ditch full of raw red meat, canned cheese and processed carbs and make her eat her way out of it while her enemies shout "PASS-TA!" at her over and over again.

The world's most beautiful and hated person Goopy Paltrow talked to Glamour UK (via UsWeekly) about her marriage to Chris Martin and thankfully she didn't talk about how she rage blows him every time he's mad at her. Goopy says that their marriage has gone through some terrible times (like the time he kissed her right after he drank a cup of British tap water) and they haven't gotten a divorce, because divorce is for bougies! The highest members of high society like to keep their marriages cold, distant, loveless and miserable, because being warm, affectionate and happy around the servants at dinnertime is really damn tacky.

"It's hard being married. You go through great times, you go through terrible times. We're the same as any couple. I asked my dad once, 'How did you and mom stay married for 33 years?' and he said, 'Well we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.' And I think that's what happened. When two people throw in the towel at the same, then you break up, but if one person's saying, 'Come on, we can do this,' you carry on."

Methinks Goopy is usually that one person and she usually says, "You better not humiliate me with a divorce or I'll show up to all of your concerts and dance in the front row." Stay married to Goop > Let Goop terrorize your eyes with her dancing for the rest of your life!

Goopy also says that she basically lets Chris do whatever he wants, because he's a genius or something.

"I'm a very grounded, homey person and Chris is a very mad scientist, genius songwriter. So I never say, 'Where are you? You should be home by now.' I never place demands on him because I think he's a really talented man and he's putting something good into the world."

Never mind that this bitch is about as grounded and homey as one of Lady Grantham's high flying queefs, she's right about never placing demands on Chris Martin. Yes, Goopy demands that Chris Martin never use her fine silverware after he's put his mouth on a peasant's crotch and she demands that he only eats what she eats, but other than that and 10,000 other demands, she makes no demands!

And I hate Glamour UK for making me think of Gwyneth Paltrow's mean muffin. I bet when Goopy's muffin gets mean, she makes it suck off Chris Martin. Ugh.

The World's Most Beautiful Woman was on another talk show last night, because she's not overexposed enough and she won't stop popping up everywhere until the image of her face is embedded into your brain and she starts invading your nightmares. (Note: This finally happened to me last night. I had a nightmare where I went to a party in a barn. A BARN! Goopy was there serving Country Time lemonade in mason jars. Goopy doesn't serve anyone and there's no way she'd serve Country Time lemonade and I don't think she even knows what a mason jar is. I knew it was a trick, so I kept walking.) Goopy was on Chelsea Lately and after Chelsea Handler wet kissed Goopy's 22-year-old stripper ass for a bit, she talked about how good Goopy is at giving advice.

Chelsea said that one time at a dinner party, Goopy's friends cried about a fight she had with her husband. Goopy's friend and her husband were all mad at each other and she didn't know what to do. You'd think that Goopy would tell her that she and her husband are angry, because they eat too much gluten, sugar, carbs and food, so they need to starve themselves until their internal organs are on the verge of shutting down and then they'll be too weak to fight. Problem solved! But instead of saying that, Chelsea said that Goopy gave her friend some different advice.

"[Gwyneth's] an amazing advice-giver. And one of her friends is like, 'I got in a big fight with my husband and I went home and I just wanted to scream and yell,' and you were like, 'Whatever you're doing, do the opposite. If you feel angry, go at him with love and you give him a blowjob.'"

Blowjobs really do solving everything, but I don't know if that's the best advice. You might not know what to think if your piece is screaming at you one minute and then trying to suck you off the next. Does a dude really want to put his peen into the mouth of an angry trick? That's only a good idea if the dude really wants to see his peen sitting in his wife's stomach on an X-Ray. That's some marriage advice from Lorena Bobbitt shit. But it works for Goopy, because ever since she told Chris Martin that she's going to blow him every time he's angry at her, he walks around the house with a smile on his face and a joyous skip in his step!

And Goopy also talked about how Chelsea needs to see a brain doctor, because she asks for the check before entrees are served and she once mistook her gardener's car for her own. Oh, Goopy, that's called being a drunk!

via E! 

Suck on a ginger candy and get yourself a tall glass of soda water and a plate of saltines, because the heaves are a comin'.

Goopy Paltrow tells Ellen, in an episode airing today, that she obviously couldn't wear panties under the dress she wore to the Iron Man 3 premiere in Hollywood, so she had to do a little last-minute goop grooming. Goopy wants us to believe that dress was her only dress option (eye roll #1) and that she had no choice but to wear it (eye roll #2) and so her people had to find a razor to shave her goop fur off with (eye roll #3 + the heaves). Here's Goopy and Ellen's conversation about her wild crotch forest (via UsWeekly):

Goop: I kind of had a disaster. I was doing a show and I changed there and I went and I couldn't wear underwear. I don't think I can tell this story on TV!

Ellen: Well, now you've told it.

Goop: Well, let's just say that everyone went scrambling for a razor and so I went from being the most beautiful to the most humiliated in one day.

Ellen: I really have some questions now. You certainly don't take care of yourself. I mean, it was just the side of your leg. What is going on with you?

Goop: I work a 70s vibe, you know?

I'm with Ellen. Why would Goop need to shave the overgrown shrub on her Apple maker when she was just showing off her ass? Couldn't she just put her pubes into a low messy bun and call it a day? Is this Goopy's way of telling us that she has ass hair? Bitch had to shave her ass! I have heard that butt fur is a sign of true royalty. I mean, Queen Elizabeth has to take a Flowbee to her ass.

But seriously, Goopy is such a luxurious creature that she's got one of those Rumpelstiltscrotches and spins strands of gold from her coochie area. So I'm sure that once her slaves shaved all of the golden pube fur off of her crotch, they melted it down and made dozens of solid gold clip-on labia rings that you can soon buy on GOOP for $50,000 each.

And if you haven't heaved enough, here's Goopy rapping and singing a few lyrics of a Beyonce song.

Star Magazine named Goopy Paltrow the Most Hated Celebrity in Hollywood last week and this week, People has named her the the World's Most Beautiful Woman. Of course, People chose a picture of Goopy thinking to herself, "You hate me because I AM beautiful." This is why the leaders of the planet are holding an emergency meeting this morning to talk about changing the meaning of the word "world," because human civilization refuses to be associated with this untruthful mess.

Dlisted's Most Insufferable Talking Fish Bone In A Blond Wig (for the 5th year running) spat out some bullshit to People about how she totally doesn't glide around her mansion in a $5,000 house gown  and working out is just like brushing her teeth.

Goopy on how she's SOOOOO casual: "Around the house, I'm in jeans and a T-shirt. I don't really wear makeup. That's what they're used to. [My husband will] make a joke about it. If I've gotten fully dressed up, he'll be like, 'Oh, wow! You're Gwyneth Paltrow!' Because he's used to seeing me in like baggy shorts and frizzy hair."

Goopy on working out 5 days a week: "When I first started, I thought, 'I'll never be good at this. This is a nightmare!' But now it's like brushing my teeth, I just do it."

Wearing jeans around the house and working out like it's nothing? I can never trust a bitch who doesn't punch at the air and curse life when they're at the gym and who doesn't rip off their jeans as soon as they get home. A bitch is suspect to me when they don't free their thighs as soon as they walk through the front door.

No, Goopy Paltrow isn't the World's Most Beautiful Woman. But her publicist is the world's best publicist for getting Goopy some bullshit title in exchange for the exclusive news of her eventual divorce from Chris Martin. Congrats to Goopy's publicist!