Over at ONTD, they posted these pictures of Jennifer Garner with her 4-year-old daughter in Boston yesterday and some seem to think that Violet is too old for a binkie or a stroller. Now, I say, MILK IT, Violet! If Jennifer tries to pull you out, kick, scream and call 911! REFUSE to leave that stroller.
I wish I would've never left the stroller. Seriously, imagine spending your days being pushed around in a chair on wheels. That's the life. Walking is pointless. Walking is stupid. Walking is hard.
Most of us figured Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck would give their new kid a flower name since their first daughter is named Violet. So it's not really surprising that they used Rose as her middle name. But her first name is Seraphina! Jen's spokesbitch told People that they named their week-old daughter Seraphina Rose Elizabeth Affleck. YES! Jen and Ben are still two boring pieces of boiled broccoli, but I've just added a little melted cheddar cheese on top of them for naming their daughter Seraphina!
Seraphina Rose sounds like the name an aging gothic stripper who works the "50 cent beer" shift at some truck stop club. I absolutely adore the name! Although, I once got food poisoning at a restaurant named Serafina.......
I just hope Jen and Ben don't call her Sera or I'll have to scrape the melted cheese off of them.
Jennifer Garner released a baby into this black-hearted world sometime this afternoon. Jen and Ben already have a toothy 3-year-old they call Violet.
Jennifer's spokesbitch told People, "Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck gave birth to a healthy baby girl." The bitch did not fess up a name.
I'm really hoping they name their girl something meaningful. I'm thinking JLo? Or maybe Fishsticks? Or maybe Band-Aid? Or SavaMarriage? And if they are going to keep with the flower tradition, they better pick a hot flower name like Baby's Breath, Goldenrod, Honeysuckle, Morning Glory or Petunia.
But knowing these two boring boiled rutabagas, they gave her a memaw name like Rose, Ethel, Bertha, Gertrude or Myrtle. Oh shit. I really hope they named her Ethel. Nobody names their baby Ethel anymore! Come to think of it, nothing is named Ethel anymore. The next time you bring a baby, dog, cat, plant, rodent, cockroach, fish, homeless person or hooker into your home, you have to name them Ethel. The name must be kept alive!
Some dude with crazy running through his veins has been stalking and harassing Jennifer Garner since 2002. It's gotten so bad that Jennifer is afraid for the safety of herself and her family. She already has a restraining order against him, but her lawyers will go into court tomorrow and ask a judge to make it permanent.
TMZ got a hold of some documents that state her stalker Steven Burky follows her around the country, sends her creepy love letters and writes about her on the Internet. He once showed up on her front door and said, "God has sent him a vision of her being persecuted in some manner that may result in her death."
Jennifer said in the papers, "I now fear not only for my personal safety, but also for the safety and well-being of those that I love and care about most, including my husband and daughter. Also, I am currently pregnant and fear for the safety of my second child once born."
The LAPD is involved in the case. Sources tell TMZ that Seven Burky is currently under a 5150 psychiatric hold.
Jennifer Garner is one of the few boring oatmeal people that I actually don't mind. It's weird. Whenever I watch her in interviews, I try to say something bitchy, but the words don't come out of my mouth! And when I see her smile, I smile and that just makes me want to go take an Epsom salt bath.
Because I do like Jennifer Garner, I will do her a favor and legally change my name to "Jennifer Garner." We can trick her stalker into thinking I'm the real Jennifer Garner, so he can leave her alone for good. He's crazy. He won't know the difference. He's also kind of hot. Well, he is! Although, he will have to change the tone of his love letters. I just read a few of them on TMZ and he's going to need to write less about "visions" and more about dirty sexy things.
Nicky Kidman, Jenny Garner and Tommy Girl are laughing all the way to the bank and they don't even deserve it. Forbes put out their annual list of the 10 Most Overpaid Movie Whores in Hollywood and these three topped the list.
Forbes came up with the top 10 by looking at the ho's last three major movies. They didn't count supporting roles, limited releases or movies where the ho got paid less than $5 million. They compared the whore's salary with the movie's profits (if there were any).
Not surprisingly, the box office poison queen, Nicky Kidman, was numero uno. I think she injects some of that poison into her forehead.
Here's Forbes top 10:
1 - Nicky Kidman - For every dollar she was paid, her movies averaged $1 of gross income.
2. Jennifer Garner - For every dollar she was paid, her movies averaged $3.60 of gross income.
3. Tommy Girl - For every dollar she was paid, her movies averaged $4 of gross income.
4. Pizza Face Diaz - For every dollar she was paid, her movies averaged $4 of gross income.
5. JLo - For every dollar she was paid, her movies averaged $4.10 of gross income.
6. Jim Carrey - For every dollar he was paid, his movies averaged $4.11 of gross income.
7. Nic Cage - For every dollar he was paid, his movies averaged $4.16 of gross income.
8. Drew Barrymore - For every dollar she was paid, her movies averaged $4.38 of gross income.
9. Will Ferrell - For every dollar he was paid, his movies averaged $4.67 of gross income.
10. Cate Blanchett - For every dollar she was paid, her movies averaged $4.97 of gross income.
They should have done a Most Deserving list instead. There would only be 3 bitches on that list: Marie (aka Snobby Salesperson #2) from Pretty Woman, Chuck Norris (he would end me with his cold stare if I left him out) and Otis from Milo & Otis.
Babies are taking over the world! They are everywhere! Soon, the streets will be covered in green diarrhea and animal crackers! Okay, rant over....for now.
Jennifer Garner has just announced the obvious: she's knocked up with her second child. Band-aid baby anyone?
Jennifer confirmed the news to Access Hollywood, "We’re so excited, obviously.” I bet she smiled through that whole statement. She probably even smiles when she sleeps. Hell, she probably even smiles when she poops. I mean, who smiles while taking a shit?! Jennifer Garner does.
And in EVEN MORE BABY NEWS, Ben Affleck's main girl, Matt Damon, might have a new baby in his arms tonight. The Miami Herald reports that his wife is currently in labor. Right now. Yeah, there's no such thing as privacy anymore. Sorry.
BABIES! BABIES!!! BABIES!!!!!
Boring couple news! Jennifer Garner's Alias co-star, Victor Garber, opened up his fat mouth and confirmed that Jennifer is knocked up with her second kid. He told UsWeekly, "Yes, she is."
Victor later told E! that his words were taken out of context. While reading this quote, I picture him sweating like a Davis Brother and stuttering like a crackhead, "I haven't confirmed that at all, no. I know they want to have another child and hopefully that's true, but I don't know that. No, I know that they are hoping to be. I just don't know that it's for sure. It's a very...personal thing." Translation: He fucked up
This shit comes right after the rumors that Jen and Ben's marriage was heading straight for the dumpster. A source said, "She is five months pregnant. They are very happy."
He's not lying about the just figuring out the sex part. They probably have only fucked twice. Jennifer closes her eyes the entire time while Ben stares at a picture of Matt Damon.
Congrats to Broccoli and Asparagus! Let's pass around the BAND-AIDS and go back to bed, because these two put me to fucking sleep.
Here's knocked up Jen leaving a friend's house in Santa Monica yesterday. I'm surprised to see that she drives a Lexus SUV. I picture her as a Volvo station wagon kind of ho.
I'm falling asleep just thinking about it! Ted Casablanca over at E! is reporting that two boiled potatoes may be splitting up very soon. Apparently, Ben Affleck's mommy never liked Jennifer Garner. Probably because Mommy Affleck needed to overdose on NoDoz every time she was around Garner.
Benny's spokesbitch said, "We usually don't comment on stuff like this. But you should know sources are liars. If you guys want to do the right thing, you won't post that item. It's all BS."
I would probably weep one black tear if Bennifer the Sequel split up. If these two blocks of wood can't make their marriage last, nobody can.
Jennifer Garner and her daughter, Violet, were shopping for boring shit in Brentwood yesterday when Jen accidentally locked her keys in the car, along with her daughter. Drama! This is probably the most exciting thing to happen to them in yeeeeeaaars.
You know Violet just want some "me time." It's probably exhausting being around Jen all the time. She strikes me as one of those people that is always cheery and positive. Like all the time. You just want to shake those people and say, "Call me a dumb bitch! Slap me! Shoot me! Anything!" They would respond by saying, "I'm going to go take a walk and let you cool off." ACK! Those kind of bitches drive me crazy.
Anyway, Violet eventually figured out how to open the door and all was fine. Boooring.
Dogs love crotches this is true. It feels like such an invasion of privacy when a strange dog on the street is all into your business. What I hate the most is when their owner doesn't do shit about it. Their dog is basically raping you and they laugh and think it's cute. Crotch rape is not a laughing matter. Actually, the worst of the worst is when you start to get excited, because they tickle it a little. Wait, maybe I shouldn't have said that.
Here's Jennifer Garner's doggy smelling the roast beef yesterday. Don't let this dog around Britney. Her crotch is like fucking Arby's with all the horsey sauce you can eat.