Jennifer Garner

You know it's a special occasion when John Travolta pulls out his favorite wig. Since John Travolta is always hijacking the iPod in the Scientology's bath house to play Rodgers & Hammerstein's greatest hits, the producers of the Oscars asked him to introduce the tribute to movie musicals last night. Everybody's talking about how John Travolta can't pronounce Les Miserables (Note: Please, he mispronounced that shit on purpose to make himself look straighter), but everybody should be talking about the glorious beast on his head. Yes, every Papillon is throwing a shank eye at Travolta since he stole their signature hairstyle, but they have to admit that his center part is immaculate. I'm sure Moses himself parted Travolta's wig. I'm not talking about Moses from the bible, I'm talking about Moses the resident wig master at the Scientology beauty salon.

Travolta didn't only work a stunning lace front, but he also worked a hot velcro patch on his chin. When you tea bag Travolta, you can exfoliate your taint on his hot velcro patch at the same time.

Here's a few more pictures of Travolta with Kelly Preston last night and since we're on the subject of lush beards, let's pay tribute to some of the best ones last night. In order: Travolta with Kelly Preston, George Clooney with Stacy Keibler, Hugh Jackmeoff with Deborra-Lee Furness, Justin Theroux with Jennifer Aniston, Jean Dujardin and Ben Affleck with Jennifer Garner.

Not since Mrs. Slocombe has a British goddess worked a glorious cotton candy mop like this. At the BAFTAs in London tonight, hos of all ages dropped to their knees when Dame Helen Mirren twirled onto the red carpet like the magical nymph she is. Helen Mirren didn't care that the rain drops were threatening to wash away the strawberry Kool-Aid hair dye from her locks. Helen laughed at the rain, twirled, laughed at the rain, posed and then twirled again. Helen is just at the BAFTAs to get drunk on free champagne, make out with her husband in the hallway and dance in the aisles during the commercial breaks. Helen Mirren is like a human ecstasy pill. If I licked her, I'd probably get a sudden craving for orange juice and glow sticks.

Helen told People that she decided to work the Strawberry Shortcake's memaw look when saw Sophie do it on America's Next Top Model:

“I saw it on America’s Next Top Model, so I decided to have a go. I know I won’t win tonight, but I’m going to have lots of fun and celebrate anyway.”

SPOILER ALERT: Helen Mirren didn't win tonight (Emmanuel Riva did!), but I'm sure she just twirled in the audience as Paloma Faith, Thandie Newton, Jennifer Garner, Ann Hathaway, Amy Adams, Jessica Chastain and Jennifer Lawrence watched and secretly wished they could be a 1/100th as hot as she is.

And take cover, because the ego balloon on Tyra Banks' head is going to expand and blow up after she hears that Helen Mirren is taking beauty tips from her.

The Shrine Auditorium is still standing today and that means that Anne Hathaway won the SAG Award for Best Supporting Actress, because if she didn't she would've screamed and bawled until the entire building collapsed into a pile of dust and tears. To accept her 699th award of the year, the 15-year-old theater nerd trapped in the body of an Anne Hathaway wore a see-through skirt over a shorty cocktail dress covered in black aquarium rocks.

I don't know how to feel about this dress. On one hand, that skirt might be detachable and I have serious feelings about skirts that detach. It looks like something Lucille Ball would've worn to a funeral party in the 80s. On the other hand, methinks that skirt wasn't detachable, because if it was it would've detached itself from that annoying ass ho as she gave another annoying ass acceptance speech (click here to see it). Bitch is always out of breath and she tries really hard to come across as humble, but she's about as humble as Kanye West.

On a positive note, I am starting to like the mop on Anne Hathaway's head. She obviously goes to the same barber as John Krasinski. If she shaved her sides, she'd have Justin Timberlake hair. I bet during commercials breaks, Justin and Anne shared a flat iron and a can of AquaNet in the ladies lounge.

Here's a few pictures from last night's SAGs. In order!: Peter Pan in funeral drag, Jaimie Alexander, Dr. Blossom, Jessica Chastain, B. Coop, Marion Cotillard, Claire Danes, a construction worker, Michelle Dockery, Nurse Jackie, Tina Fey, Jennifer Garner, the owner of the Hammaconda with Jennifer Westfeldt, Julianne Marguiles, Taye Diggs with Idina Menzel, Julianne Moore, Amy Poehler, Amanda Seyfried, Timberlake, Sofia Vergara and Naomi Watts.

Thank you to the paparazzo who showed us that Stacy Keibler and George Clooney look kind of cute when he casually whispers in her ear, "What's your name again, toots? One of those tricks with a mic might ask me."

The U.S. unemployment rate did not rise by 0.000001% today, because Stacy Keibler still has a job. At last night's premiere of Argo in Beverly Hills, Stacy and George answered to those pink slip rumors the only way they know how: with a completely natural love party on the red carpet. You can tell that George still has love for Stacy, because he's barely even looking at her! This makes me feel things, because it's like looking at most of my past dates. "I just bought you a slice of pizza and you want me to make eye contact with you too? DAMN. What's next? You're going to whine about how I don't completely stop the car when I push you out the door while dropping you off. Ungrateful!"

George is probably keeping Stacy around for another awards season, because he realized that he's too old for this shit. And by "this shit," I mean training another award show escort on how to Magic Erase the word "marriage" from her vocabulary and how to always stand to his right, because his left side is his magic side. I, for one, am glad George is not trading this trick in for a newer trick, because learning a new name is exhausting for all of us.

And speaking of having the chemistry of an urethra wart and tap water, Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck were also there last night!

Somewhere in L.A., a newborn baby boy is looking up at Ben Affleck's grizzly man ass face and wondering why his father is the unabomber sketch. That is a face that'll make you wanna call America's Most Wanted.

People is hearing from a source that 6-year-old Violet and 3-year-old Seraphina are big sisters to a brother with an unknown name who was born in Santa Monica, CA. Jennifer Garner said a while ago that Ben is cool with a boy or a girl, but you know his ass was just putting on a front, because he's the kind of dude who's been keeping a collection of Red Sox onesies for the son he's always wanted. So Ben's finally got the son of his dreams! Unless....his son ends up like me and would rather dye his She-Ra doll's hair red with food coloring than even glance at a baseball for five seconds.

I'm going to temporarily ignore the winks coming from all those "cheating A-list actor staying with his actress wife for the sake of their unborn child" blind items to talk about the name. We don't know the name yet, but if they're going to keep with the flower or bible theme, I'm guessing they'll go with Dandelion Affleck or Hosanna Affleck. They'll probably name him Matt Damon Affleck, but part of me hopes they'll name him Farnsworth Umbrella Blake. You know, so he can go by F.U. Blake for short.

With all those pictures of Jennifer Garner wearing shirts straight from Walmart's maternity line, hos figured that she's either on that KFed diet or a baby is squatting in her uterus and paying for the placenta cutlet it's eating with fetus barfs and belly kicks. It's the latter. Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck announced last night that she'll soon birth out a third child whose tiny nostrils will have to get used to the musky scent of casino smoke, wig glue and cologne you buy from one of those gas station cologne machines to cover up fuck fumes that have marinated into your crotch. This is what the Associated Press had to say about the newest Garfleck.

A one-sentence statement released Monday says the actors are "thrilled" to have another baby on the way. The couple has two daughters, 5-year-old Violet and 2-year-old Seraphina Elizabeth Rose Affleck.

No other details were released.

Affleck and Garner, both 39, were married in 2005.

Those quotation marks hugging thrilled make it looks like that shit was delivered with a sarcastic eye roll and the kind of huff a ho lets out when it's 4am, her newborn baby is killing ceiling paint with its holler, her husband is not in the building and his cell phone keeps going to voicemail. "I'm thrilled that you're listening to this shit as you throw the nasty boxers you used to wipe your whore's pussy juices off of your dick into the dumpster outside of Burger King," is the message she'll leave.

But yeah, my first thought when I read about this last night was that a blind item finally got its sight. My second thought was that Band-Aid Begonia Affleck does have a certain ring to it.

Okay, that headline is not entirely true or fair. Yes, cucumbers would love to gently lay on top of Vince Vaughn's swollen stuffed bags and soothe them until they no longer look like miniature versions of Lisa Rinna's anal gland lips, but we can all learn to love them. If you look at them through permanent perverted eyes (aka my eyes) and access the part of your imagination that's run by your genitals, Vince Vaughn's double carry-on eye bags sort of, kind of look like tiny crooked labias! If you look at 'em that way, then you will definitely love them. How can you not love labia eye bags?

If you sat on his peen and stuck your tongue between his under eye pussy bags, it would be like having a simplified bi-sexual threesome! And you don't have to worry about an extra pair of legs kicking you in the head. I bet there's a little cream in between there, so it would be like eating the real thing! Since I put it that way, right?

Here's more of Labia Eyes Vaughn at last night's Chrysalis Butterfly Ball in L.A. with: Ashley Greene, Meadow Soprano, Jennifer Garner, Olivia Wilde, Noxzema Girl, McSteamy, Brad from The Chupa Zoe Project, Sienna Miller's ex-whore with his wife, a midget lesbian in drag as Steve Buscemi and Ryan Phillippe.

Ben Affleck had a smile on his face and a BOOM on his eye when he was photographed leaving a block party for the rich with his wife Jennifer Garner and daughter yesterday afternoon in Brentwood. Those of us who are slaves to scandal have already come up with an elaborate explanation for Ben's black eye involving Not Blake Lively's nude pictures and Sydney Bristow's fist. But no, that's not what happened. There's a million explanations for Ben's black eye.

Ben could've been fapping in an extremely tight space and over lubrication caused his hand to slip off his peen and slap right into his eye. It happens. Ben could've been taking his own nekkid photos in the bathroom and just as he was arching his back to achieve that ultra sexy pose, his foot slipped on a shower puddle and his eye went into the faucet. It happens. Ben could've also caught Gigli on cable and his natural instinct took over when he punched himself in the face. More than likely.

But what I think what really happened is that Ben ran into Blake Lively's publicist at the block party and during their conversation she let him know that he had a little potato salad on his cheek. That's when she rubbed charcoal dust under his eye so everyone could bring up Blake Lively's name in a post that has nothing to do with Blake Lively. Damn, she's good.

Yup! That's the non-elaborate explanation for Ben Affleck's not black eye!

Somebody kindly lead Garry Marshall to the nurse's office so he can lay down with a warm towel on his head, because he's obviously not right. He's rambling on and on about how he's going to do a big screen version of Laverne & Shirley with Jennifer Garner and Jessica Biel in the title roles. I mean, Garry obviously mixed up his medications or something.

During press junkets for that Valentine's Day crap, Garry joked out about how the chemistry between Jennifer and Jessica is so strong that he thinks they would make a wonderful Laverne & Shirley. It was all just jokes then, but now it's becoming a reality. Garry tells TV Guide (via Coming Soon) that he is working on a modern version of L&S, and has asked Jamie Foxx to write the script. I'm telling you! Pepaw's talking craziness, and needs to lie down now!

Garry said, "Jamie and I are trying to do it. He's writing it. It's a whole different modern day take on how they came up on the streets during difficult times. Laverne would be this very tough girl with a big 'L' tattooed on her arm. Jennifer Garner would play Laverne and Jessica Biel would play Shirley."

WTFWTFWTFWTF. Let's say you put an obese raccoon, Justin Bieber, a toothless troll, Jesse James' fuck couch and Jennifer Garner in a line-up. Let's say you then asked me to pick who should play Laverne in a movie version of Laverne & Shirley. Jennifer Garner would be my last choice. Don't get me started on Jessica Biel.

And Jamie Foxx writing the script?! Garry, if one of your life goals is to win more Razzies than anybody else, you are headed in the right direction.

At least somebody was in the mood for love (in the form of a greasy grope from an obese producer who promises to get you a part in the next Bradley Cooper movie) at last night's Valentine's Day premiere in Hollywood. I really have no idea who this Anna Kulinova swan is, but it doesn't really matter. Googling her name is not going to make me relive all the emotions I felt when I first laid eyes upon her in this stunning frock. This is the true meaning of VD (Valentine's Day)!

I doubt Jennifer Garner, Jessica Beeeeehl or any of the other boring Js at this movie premiere spent their entire night making a figure skating costume out of old taffeta found in the trash can outside of Bobby Trendy's condo and a Fredrick's teddy. Barney's does not carry a dress that makes your nipples look like they are bleeding lace. This is a one-of-a-kind creation!

And you know what makes Anna even more special? The fact that she's smiling like she has no idea her shoes don't match at all! The cab driver must have been one inpatient motherfucker, because he forced Anna to grab a random pair of shoes from her stripper roommate's closet. She wears them beautifully.

Here's more of Anna and the people who only showed up to bask in the glory of her beauty. They are: MiserAlba, Garcelle Beauvais, an overdressed Jessica Biel, Patrick Dempsey, Barbara Eden, Jennifer Garner, McSteamy and Noxzema Girl, Anne Hathaway, Ashton Kutchie with Demi Moore, Shirley Maclaine, Julia Roberts, Emma Roberts and a bronzer-faced B.Coop.