Last August, Snoop Dogg said that he thinks hip-hop is ready for a mainstream gay rapper, but I guess he somehow forgot saying that (don't blame the good shit!), because now he's saying something totally different. Snoop Dogg tells The Guardian that he has a lot of gay homies, but he doesn't think that the rap world will ever fully embrace a gay rapper. Snoop thinks that the rap is just way too masculine to accept a gay rapper.
"I don't have a problem with gay people. I got some gay homies. Yeah, for real. People who were gay used to get beat up. It was cool to beat up on gay people back then. But in the 90s and 2000s, gay is a way of life. Just regular people with jobs. Now they are accepted, not classified. They just went through the same things we went through as black.
Frank Ocean ain't no rapper. He's a singer. It's acceptable in the singing world, but in the rap world I don't know if it will ever be acceptable because rap is so masculine. It's like a football team. You can't be in a locker room full of motherfucking tough-ass dudes, then all of a sudden say, 'Hey, man, I like you.' You know, that's going to be tough."
I sort of get what Snoop is saying. Snoop is trying to say that so many rap songs are about catching pussy and screwing hos and he doesn't think rappers will be rapping about gargling on nuts and licking on man ass anytime soon. (Cut to a year from now when Kanye Kardashian releases his new single "Gargling On Nuts and Licking On Man Ass.") But Snoop is mistaken about the definition of masculinity, because nothing is more masculine than two dudes fucking. It's double the menses!
And on another note, I will never accept the name Snoop Lion. I refuse.
Here's Snoop Dogg, Tater Head and Tater Head's dude Jayson Blair at his show at Tao in Las Vegas last night.
Twitterer @DragonflyJonez made a list of 10 reasons he's voting for Obama and 10 reasons why he isn't voting for Obama and Snoop Dogg (I REFUSE to call him Snoop Lion) co-signed and snatched it by Instagraming it without giving credit. DragonflyJonez and Snoop Dogg aren't voting for Romney, because he's a ho-less Mormon, is a muthafucka named Mitt and won't let anybody talk. They're voting for Obama, because Michelle's got a fat ass and he smokes Newports. A MESS!
Maybe I'm alone on this, but "he a ho" and "bitch got a dancing horse" are both selling points for me.
WARNING: About three seconds after hitting play on this NSFWish mess, a giant sperm fish with a mouth will scare away the afternoon buzz you got from inhaling nitrous out of a whipped cream can in the bathroom.
During Snoop Dogg's web show, he was asked to drop a little few words of unfiltered wisdom into the ear holes of Kris Humphries and this is the hilarious shit that came blazing out of his mouth:
"The first advice is, you dumb ass nigga, you shouldn't have tried to wife the bitch. She's not that type of a ho. She gets around, man. Did you see when Reggie took the bitch to Africa? She was looking at the Africans cause they had bigger dicks than his. He didn't know how to act afterward. They sent his ass to Miami. Reggie the only nigga that bounced back from the bitch. She's cold-blooded. I'm pretty sure she'll have a book in a month talking about all the niggas she got and how she played them. So, my advice is you can’t make a ho a housewife. Don’t try to reinvent the wheel. Let her do what she born to do: ho. Yeah. HO. Punk bitch."
That's funny. That's pretty much the same thing my mom said to the first serious boyfriend I brought home to meet her. And I really hope someone translates Snoop's advice into grunts and snorts so that Kris can actually understand it.
Warning to all music hos who can't travel on a tour bus without a jar of the good shit at your side, do not roll through Sierra Blanca, TX, because they will stop you, snatch your stuff and cut your buzz short by arresting your ass. They did it to Willie Nelson and they did it to Snoop Dogg over the weekend. FREE SNOOOOOP (or just free his stash and let all of us split it up amongst ourselves)!!!!
TMZ says that border patrol stopped Snoop's bus and ran a standard inspection with the help of a drug-sniffing dog. Of course, those dogs don't know any better, so they narced a bitch out and pointed police toward a trash can at the back of the bus. They found two joints (with about a half an ounce in them) stuffed into a prescription meds bottle. A DUH echoed through the state when Snoop admitted to the cops that the joints belonged to him. Snoop presented the cops with his medical marijuana license, but that shit is only valid in California and the cops shooed it away. They slapped Snoop with a citation for misdemeanor marijuana possession and released him. Snoop can either pay a $537 fine or challenge it in court.
Okay, I'm fucked with shock over the fact that he was caught with only half an ounce. A drop of Snoop's saliva has more than half an ounce of weed in it. Either one of Snoop's assistants will be butt queefing out weed buds for days to come or he was traveling light that day. And on another subject, where can I get one of those weed-sniffing pooches? I'm sick of going to my friend's house and getting a blank face after I ask if he's got anything. A weed-sniffing pooch would solve that! Besides, I've always wanted to say, "The dog's nose says it's in your ass."
While surrounded by pimps, hos, 10 pesos weaves, unmaintained eyebrow situations, swap meet contact lenses, sourdough loaf titties, natural beauties and crystal clear nutsacks, Ice-T and CoCo celebrated their 10-year wedding anniversary by renewing their vows for their new E! reality show. That know-it-all bitch Wikipedia claims Ice-T and CoCo got married December of 2005, but these two live in an ethereal queef bubble where facts do no matter, so I will raise a camel toe cup filled with pink Andre and toast to their 10 years of marriage!
This display of sheer elegance makes Prince William and Kate Middleton's wedding look like a quince held in a Burger King party room. This is the real royal wedding (as seen through the eyes of a Roma Gypsy).
At the reception, I'm sure CoCo's camel toe clapped the melody to Tony! Toni! Tone's! "Anniversary" while guests placed their champagne flutes on her shelf titties to dance with her. And those lucky guests were: Snoop, Don "Magic" Juan with his stoop sale trollops, Ice-T's son Little Ice, Tila Tequila and CoCo's mom Tina.
Dressed like the late-in-life French lesbian owner of an ostrich farm in New Mexico, Johnny Depp strolled onto the stage at Nickelodeon's Kids Choice Awards in L.A. yesterday and hosed everyone down with slime. I see what you did there, Nickelodeon, and Child Protective Services along with agents from The Chris Hansen Department of NOT RIGHT SHIT will be knocking on your door.
While most hos were on the receiving end of a Shrek green shower, Johnny doesn't play that mess. It took Johnny way too long to successfully snatch those clothes from Diane Keaton's closet, so he's not going to let Slimer's menstrual fluid mess 'em up. And I really feel sorry for the sick ho who Googles "slime me, Johnny Depp, slime me" and end up on this post. This is not what you signed up for when you clicked.
If you need to know the winners of this popped glow stick passed off as an awards show, you need to look elsewhere! We're all adults here (not really) and we don't look at the winners of some children's awards show! Adults don't do that! We only make inappropriate jokes about the pictures! And let's continue the theme.
Here's a few of those who showed up to that mess yesterday: Johnny Depp (and I know you're going to use the color picker Photoshop tool on that green slime), Josh Bieber, Fergie in a Lego dress, Heidi Klum with Nick Cannon, Russell Brand with Manny from Modern Family, Snoop Dogg, Selena Gomez, Wonky McValtrex (whose military trained gyno knows all about green slime), some tramps off the street, Taylor Momsen, Nick Simmons, Sophie Simmons, Willow Smith, Steven Tyler with Erin Brady and Sofia Vergara.
Alan Simpson, the former senator of Wyoming and a co-chair on The Deficit Reduction Commission, think the children of America are a bunch of rude little shits who wear their caps backawards and listen to way too much Enema Man and Snoopy Snoopy Poop Dog. Did Mr. Simpson just call our national's youth SCAT LOVERS? Mr. Simpson needs to get his mind out of the dirty bedpan! Dude's got prunes and extra-strength laxatives on the brain.
Enema Man and Snoopy Snoopy Poop Dog should really get together with MC Skat Kat to become the new colons of Activia. No wonder Eminem has curbed the rage lately. Bitch finally took a shit.
But the real punchline of this YouTube clip is what they suggest you watch afterward:
Snoopy is in a bad mood, because he's constipated! Duh. Charlie Brown needs to hook his dog up with the great suppository.
With all that being said, I'd still listen the shit out of Enema Man and Snoopy Snoopy Poop Dog.
Either Snoop Dogg is a genuine fanboy who won't even blow weed smoke towards the TV screen when True Blood is on or he needed a quick check, because he's going hard for Sooookeh in this tribute music video to her. The only thing that would've made this better is if Snoop gave those back-up dancers in the broke down Kim Zolciak wigs the day off, and let Lafayette swish and drop his honey buns in the background instead.
Snoop Dogg, who I'm pretty sure is technically still married, got down with some greasy piece at the VIP Room in St. Tropez last night. You know, I don't blame Miss Crisco Hair for dry fucking on Snoop, because my nipples tingle for him. WELL, he kind of reminds me of Adrien Brody (No, I'm not still drunk...I think). It must be the Afghan Hound face. AND, you know Snoop's peen hole blows the good shit smoke. Snoop's dick is like a bong. So that's why that trick is getting up on that. IN THIS ECONOMY, you have to get your high anyway you can can!
Here's more pictures of Snoop partying with his puss o' the night and Usher last night. Also, is that Jon Gosselin in the third to the last thumbnail? Dude is always in it! Wherever there's available snatch, there's Jon!
Yesterday afternoon, Snoop Dogg debuted The Wake 'N Bake Show live on UStream. The show is exactly what you would expect. It's just Snoop making sweet love to an obese joint while playing some music you can only enjoy if you're fucking high with him. Snoop's sparkly Obama even takes a little toke. That's why he sparkles!
I'm sober like a toddler right now, so this shit really isn't taking me higher, but after I've had a few intimate moments with my bong, this is going to be the greatest show like EVER! If Snoop wants to make a zillion more dollars, he should advertise for Taco Bell and Totino's during his show. Because Snoop's new stonercam is best served with a toke and something covered in cheese (not dick).
Snoop lives in California, so he has a license to smoke the good shit legally. Yeah, he says he needs to smoke it for "medical purposes." He probably suffers from a CHRONIC condition! Me fucking too.
Expect Snoop's Wake 'N Bake Show to have guests in the future like Michael Phelps, Charlize Theron, Amy Wino, Mischa Barton, Carlos Santana and every cartoon character ever created. I'm convinced that every cartoon character is a major stoner, because every time I"m high and watching a cartoons, they all stare at me with greedy eyes.